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Originally Posted By: Maybell
I can see a reason in your past, can you?

Do what is right for you. I have very good reasons for making my choices. Do not feel like you'll get the same results from the same ones. But don't be afraid to explore the ones that are inconceivable to you, either. At least stretching yourself like that might give you a little more objective perspective.


Oh absolutely I see a reason in my past. Fear of total abandonment? Of never being loved or cared for again? Of everything he says about not wanting me actually being true?

But I also struggle with his cake eating and if he was offering me time with just D7 and nit want to see me at all, there are ways to make that happen but that's nit what he's doing. So, in a way, I'm a pawn and I won't let that continue.

He's manipulative but denies it. I have to follow my instinct.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Originally Posted By: rppfl
SS, just to give you the other side of the story, I generally accept invitations when they involve the kids. Breakfast after church? Yes if a kiddo is going. Otherwise probably not. I don't miss an opportunity to hang with my kids. But that totally might not be right for you. You get to decide that. And please don't feel badly about it either way.

BTW, my kids are older, aren't such clingons like little kids. Makes a big difference in how much time mommy needs away from them!


Rpp,

You're right I do get to decide but I do know that D7 can call me or FaceTime with me any time. We don't have to hangout over a meal. Boundaries. They're good things.

Maybell and others,

How do you think I should handle WAH wanting to hang out on my weekends because he misses D7 so much? I obviously don't want to keep him from her or him from her so what do you think about that? I'd love your insight and suggestions.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Put it this way, Ss06.. if you end up D, and I hope that doesn't happen for you, are you going to let him hang out on your weekends simply because he misses her so much? That's not typically the way D works.. maybe he needs a reality check.

That said, I'm not a parent, so that's just an unqualified opinion.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
Joined: Jan 2015
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Don't let him cake eat...let him have time with yiur daughter but keep him arms reach from you, ; )


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Hey S. First of all, you are still so hard on yourself, sweetie.

Here's the thing of all this. It's not one size fits all. You do what is right for you.

As far as GAL, that's an important one, but one I struggled with for some time.

For alot of reasons. One being that I like to be alone...to regroup, to refocus. I remember thinking, oh boy, they are going to get on me for that. LOL!

But I also found what was good for me. I took some classes through the parks department so they were really inexpensive.

I planned trips I always wanted to take. I didnt take most of them, but planning them was fun.

Think of something you always wanted to learn, then find a way to learn it.

Sometimes you have to push yourself to GAL and it winds up being a lot of fun. Sometimes it's ok to do absolutely nothing for the weekend.

You have to try to find a balance. But I do think it's really important for you to be among people doing something you enjoy.

As far as seeing your h when he has her, here's what I think.

Your motive to see them or not has to be looked at. I get that you miss her, but, Im thinking its more than that.

You are separated. This is what happens when you are. He has to live his choices.

I think as you fill your life up some more, you will be able to handle not seeing her better.

She is with her daddy. Let them form whatever relationship they will. Your job is to cause no harm to it.

So, I would say that you should not accept every invitation to meet up with them.

Hopefully, soon it will be because you are really busy GAL.

For now, do it because it really is best for you and for her.

If he asks, you could just say, sorry, I have plans, enjoy your time with D. You dont have to say it every time, but, I would say it a few times. It helps you and it helps her. Then when you are together, its an ooportunity to show a new SS. Be upbeat, positive.

It is important to live your reality, S. He needs to live it, too.

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Vossy! Good to see you! I agree with you. WAH definitely needs a reality check. I'm always mindful though about whether I'm being punitive or attempting to teach him a lesson. That's why this board and you ladies are so helpful. I need to be called to task sometimes.

Karma, I'm coming to some conclusions about WAH's cake eating. Read below.

UR, thanks for coming by. I've missed you. smile

In my particular situation I'm beginning to see a pattern emerge. At BD and regarding separation, WAH has called pretty much ALL the shots. HE dictated when and how he would move out. HE dictated what furniture he would take. HE dictated how and when we would tell D. When separation is a one sided decision, many of these "dictations" make sense.

Now, however, as I am slowly coming into my own and owning up to the fact that this isn't being DONE to me, that I am an active participant with a voice, feelings and a right to be heard, I am seeing a pattern of WAH trying to control me with his cake eating. It worked for a while. Now I'm wiser.

He invites me out under the guise of seeing D. I accept because I want to see D. I look past some of the awkwardness for D's sake but the reality is, when i'm with the two of them she's either reading or playing the ipad. It's not that she's not happy to see me but she's doing her own thing and I can rest assured that she's not DYING from missing me so much. And if she were, she could call me anytime. Anytime. She knows that.

Today is MLK day. D is off but I am not. WAH signed D up for a day of gymnastic camp with some of her friends. I heard this and said "she'll need a leotard, I can bring one to starbucks if you like". I' m a very nice person, aren't I?

I arrive at Starbucks this morning. D is sitting at a table playing the ipad, WAH is in line ordering. I sit down, hug D, ask if she's excited about gym camp. WAH comes over, we exchange clipped hellos and he sits down. Here's the convo:

Me: I brought a leotard and sweats for her. I also included her piano book because she hasn't practiced all weekend and her class is tomorrow. She might need help with Moonlight Sonata... it's pretty complicated.

WAH: ugh, ok. [silence] Gym camp today is from 9 - 3 but I guess I'm supposed to bring a lunch for her.

Me: Yeah. Probably.

WAH: Well I didn't know that so now I have to figure that out because I don't have lunch stuff at home.

Me: Oh. [silence] So, I get off work at 3 but I have a thing from 4-5 and then I was hoping to hit yoga from 5:30 to 7 so I can meet you to pick up D7 around 7:30. Is that good for you?

WAH: Wait. Meet us? So you specifically don't want us at the house?

Me: Right. There's no reason to be at the house since I'm not there.

WAH: Well I thought she could practice piano at the house because there's no other place except my parents house [his parents house is 15 houses away from me] but I guess that can be arranged.

Me: Great! Ok then. Have a great day at camp today, D7! I'll see you tonight and you can tell me all about it!

WAH: Oh and does she really need a leotard? I mean, I was just going to send her like that [D7 is dressed in jeans and a t-shirt].

Me: Mmmm, Her friends will have leotards on and jeans are rather restrictive. All the other times she went to this day camp she wore a leotard. Do you have a pony tail holder? They'll require her hair to be back, too.

WAH: No. [sigh!!] I guess I have to go back to the apartment to make her a lunch and to get a pony tail holder. D7 told me she didn't want me to do her hair this morning, will they really not let her into the camp without her hair back?

Me: It has to be off her face, it's a requirement for entering the gym but you can talk to them about it.

WAH: What's the point of a day camp on a holiday if it requires this much work for the parents?!

Me: [shrug]

WAH: D7, stop playing with your yogurt and drink your orange juice. Eat the yogurt first because you can eat the banana bread in the car because we have to go back to the apartment.

Me: Alright, I'm off then.

D7: Momma, will you help me put on my leotard in the bathroom?

Me: Sure, babe. Let's go.

WAH: D7, don't put your clothes on the floor when you change, that's gross. And don't walk on the floor barefoot, that's disgusting. Wait. YOu know what? You need to finish your breakfast before you change. Maybe you can just change at the gym because we have to stop back off at the apartment and you're just going to throw your clothes all over the floor and that's just disgusting so finish your yogurt so we can go.

Me: Alright. I'm off then. See you tonight, D7. Be a big listener today, ok?

Part of me couldn't help but chuckle at him struggling with the "work" involved in taking D to gym camp for the day but his face when I said they couldn't be in the house unless i was there...

... I put that boundary down a while ago and yet we STILl touch on it every time I see him. I know he thinks I'm trying to teach him a lesson and he fights it HARD. He doesn't like being told what to do and me placing that boundary, to him, is me telling him what he can and cannot do. It doesn't go over well.



I made plans to visit a friend in San Diego over Valentine's Day weekend. It's a small GAL activity that gets me out of town and hanging out with a friend. Something I really need. I need to do more of that kind of thing.

Other GAL activities really just keep me at home. I'm considering getting Rosetta Stone to learn French. A solo activity. Deepen my meditation practice. Another solo activity (though I've looked for group meditation groups, they are SUPER pricey). I don't know... I'm not an introvert but I seem to be doing more introverted things.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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S, Im going to be really tough here because it's important.

Originally Posted By: Ss06


HE dictated when and how he would move out. HE dictated what furniture he would take. HE dictated how and when we would tell D. When separation is a one sided decision, many of these "dictations" make sense.


Nope, they did not make sense. You could have told him when you needed him out. You could have had an opinion about what furniture was ok and what was not. You werent ready then, but, you could have had control there, you just chose not to exercise it. You allowed him to have it. Its done now, I just want you to see your mindset.

Originally Posted By: Ss06
I heard this and said "she'll need a leotard, I can bring one to starbucks if you like". I' m a very nice person, aren't I?


You bailed him out. I know you did this for your daughter, but, she is with her daddy and he needs to figure it out. Not to punish him, just to allow him to live his choices.

Originally Posted By: Ss06

Me: I brought a leotard and sweats for her. I also included her piano book because she hasn't practiced all weekend and her class is tomorrow. She might need help with Moonlight Sonata... it's pretty complicated.


He should be asking you what she needs to get done. She is also getting old enough to know that, too. Not your job to inform him of what HIS daughter needs. It's his job when he has her.

So, you dropped off the leotard and should have been on your way...instead you got this:

Originally Posted By: Ss06
WAH: Well I didn't know that so now I have to figure that out because I don't have lunch stuff at home.


Yea, well, figure it out bucko.

Originally Posted By: Ss06
Me: Oh. [silence] So, I get off work at 3 but I have a thing from 4-5 and then I was hoping to hit yoga from 5:30 to 7 so I can meet you to pick up D7 around 7:30. Is that good for you?


Ok, why all of that? Just, I can pick her up at 7:30. If he has her and hasnt told you of any plans he has, then....

Originally Posted By: Ss06
WAH: Well I thought she could practice piano at the house because there's no other place except my parents house [his parents house is 15 houses away from me] but I guess that can be arranged.


Originally Posted By: Ss06
Me: Great! Ok then. Have a great day at camp today, D7! I'll see you tonight and you can tell me all about it!


Perfect! ^^^^

Originally Posted By: Ss06
WAH: Oh and does she really need a leotard? I mean, I was just going to send her like that [D7 is dressed in jeans and a t-shirt].
Me: Mmmm, Her friends will have leotards on and jeans are rather restrictive. All the other times she went to this day camp she wore a leotard. Do you have a pony tail holder? They'll require her hair to be back, too.


Your answer should have been a simple, yes, she does.

Originally Posted By: Ss06
... I put that boundary down a while ago and yet we STILl touch on it every time I see him. I know he thinks I'm trying to teach him a lesson and he fights it HARD. He doesn't like being told what to do and me placing that boundary, to him, is me telling him what he can and cannot do. It doesn't go over well.


Too bad, so sad for him. As long as that boundary is truly for you, S.

You really need to let him figure this out with your d, S. It's important for everyone involved. You cant keep fixing it. It's not your job.

Originally Posted By: Ss06
Other GAL activities really just keep me at home. I'm considering getting Rosetta Stone to learn French. A solo activity. Deepen my meditation practice. Another solo activity (though I've looked for group meditation groups, they are SUPER pricey). I don't know... I'm not an introvert but I seem to be doing more introverted things.


You have to think outside the box some. Check out the library, meet ups, parks department. Most free or very inexpensive.

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I'm glad you're being really tough because it's empowering me to take what's mine, and some of it really IS mine, but to leave him his.

In reality, he would NEVER ask me what she needs to get done. He doesn't give a flying eff if she does her piano homework but I'm the one who sees the piano teacher on Tuesdays. We have this issue with her meds on Thursday morning. He forgets, I meet at Starbucks with them. Why? Because the alternative (d skipping a day) is not an option.

You're right though, and I want you to call me out on it if you see it continue. I can't keep picking up his mess.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Ss, I've been trying to let me first response happen in my head, then try to give the shortest response to WAW that I can (without being rudely short). I don't always succeed, but it has helped me stop some of the cycle of enabling cake eating or letting WAW avoid living with the consequences of her decisions.

How is your day otherwise?


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Great suggestion. I definitely respond a lot in my head but in getting much better about that NOT being the response that comes out of my mouth.

How's my day? Pretty good, thanks.

Question for the group:

D has a group of friends and all the parents from that group hang out. This is part of why I see WAH so freaking much. This weekend is my weekend with D and we've been invited by a mom from this group to a Jewish Earth Day celebration. I won't invite WAH but he could invite himself or ask me about it.

I'd rather he not come. Really. Is this a battle I fight or ? Thoughts or feelings on that??


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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