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twinmom Offline OP
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Ok, I don't even know how to begin. Over the past few months I have dated a little but I wasn't interested in anyone really.
My H and I are legally separated but it was left at that. He would stay the night here (on the couch) most Saturday nights so I could sleep in Sunday mornings and a few random nights during the week when I would be working late. Well it morphed into every night and some nights in bed with me...... before I even realized what was happening he was in my bed every night and kissing my forehead goodbye every morning.

This holiday season hit me hard emotionally and I started having second thoughts of trying to salvage my marriage (the shreds that might be left)

Now here is the problem.... H never hit rock bottom, he has never said the "I will do ANYTHING to make this work, what do I need to do?" He is what you might call "half baked" in that he admits everything was a mistake and he regrets his actions but in his words "I am so scared of the work it would take to fix things with you" "I am too far in a hole to ever dig myself out" and "I love you but I just don't have those in love feelings for you"

Sooooooooooooooo...... I have two questions.
#1 am I crazy to even have these thoughts???????????

#2 what would your course of action be?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Girlfriend, I can only speak for myself. But you're gonna have to give me *a lot* more details for me to be able to tell you what my particular course of action would be if I were in your shoes.

Here's why, in a nutshell (and in your own words):

in his words "I am so scared of the work it would take to fix things with you" "I am too far in a hole to ever dig myself out" and "I love you but I just don't have those in love feelings for you"

before I even realized what was happening he was in my bed every night and kissing my forehead goodbye every morning.


Those two things simply don't jive when I envision a long-term, happy, *healthy* M. Or even the *possibility* of a truly successful reconciliation attempt.

So let me ask you this: What are YOU getting from this relationship, as it stands right now? Are you thinking of the future? Or just the "here-and-now"?

I'm asking this with NO judgment. Truth be told: I think many people - mostly women - base decisions to stay in a M on more than just whether love is there. Some base their decision on finances. Others base it on the children. (If I'm being brutally honest, I just named the two biggest motivating factors in me deciding to try to save my M; I made that decision based on my children and their future ... and I knew my heart could love my H ... yes, with hesitations ... again.) I'm not saying that's GREAT. I'm just saying it IS. (And before anyone wastes their time criticizing me for that, seriously save your breath for the next person who believes in unicorns farting rainbows.)

The thing is, twin, I've kinda gathered from your posts since forever ago that you still really love your H. And that's my concern. Because he's already making excuses for why he's not ready to do the hard, uncomfortable work to really - if I'm being honest - fall in love with you again. (And, yes, that CAN be done ... but I'm not sure I've read even one post that makes me think your H wants - or is ready - to.) So if you're thinking of pursuing this because you genuinely love him, my fear is that you're going to end up hurt. Again.

But, sweetie, it's YOUR life. Not ours.

Be real with us. Not "tough twin." REAL twin. And tell us what it is you're hoping for here.

Big hugs to you, honey. (And, no, you're not crazy.) xoxo


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
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Train, you are on FIRE tonight. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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twinmom Offline OP
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Train you're right when you say I still love him in some way. And yes my decision (or thoughts on the subject) have a lot to do with the kids. I did NOT like spending Christmas day alone (all afternoon) and even though the twins are not even 3 yet they kept asking for mommy while at BIL's house.

I may go crazy some days but I like being home with them 95% of the time. And if I am being REALLY honest, I like not being alone in the evenings.

It's easier financially and physically as H almost always puts the kids to bed.

Train, PLEASE help me. I too am very scared. I don't want to be hurt again. Do I tell him no more staying the night, in less words "go dark"?? See if he hits rock bottom while I try and detach again?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Just read back through the couple of posts I made today - and your comment, Maybell - and lol'd. It probably seems like I'm on fire, indeed. I think I've just read so much here lately (and not responded), and I have SO much empathy that some posts really do catapult me, emotionally, back to the six months (combined, in 2005/06 and last year) that I was alone and trying to navigate my way through DBing. (I know, I know, y'all are like: 6 MONTHS?!? PUHLEEZE!!! But it's all relative, ya know?!?) And I felt that every.move.I.made was the "wrong" thing to do. I felt like I had to report back here with everything - and was ashamed to admit some things - because I wasn't doing every.little.thing. "by the book."

And then I realized that it's sorta - please don't accuse me of being sacrilegious - like the Bible: there are those who read it *literally* and get it (at best) half wrong. But there are those who are so desperate for salvation that they lap up every morsel of what people tell them It says. Even if the "reporting" people read part of It the wrong way. Or only took from It what they "needed" to read ... and left the rest behind.

The first time I was here, I felt CONSTANTLY like a doormat. But I read MWD's book, 8 years later, with a different set of eyes. Two eyes with a lot of experience. And one A already under my belt. With the help of my own experiences, and the combined experiences of a few posters here that have made things WORK - one way or another - I see things quite differently. And I even read things in DR quite differently this time. It's a matter of perspective, perhaps. Our perspective - even when we READ something - is colored by our experiences.

That being said, I don't know what to tell you, twin. You love your H, and it shows. You don't want to be alone. And I get that.

For me personally? If my H had come back "half-cocked" - even though I'm a stay-at-home-mom with no current income - I would have told him to take a hike. I was scared out of my mind. My S8, who has been home since he was born and has even homeschooled since he was in Kindergarten, cried DAILY after I told him I had to go back to work which meant he had to go to public school. It was the most gut-wrenching thing I've ever gone through (my M be damned at that point). But once I flipped that switch, NO WAY would I have taken my H - and my old M - back. Half-cocked wasn't going to cut it for me anymore. I recognized - and KNEW - I was better than that. My H came back this time fully prepared to fix what has happened ... even more so than I was. He was remorseful. He was different than he was the first time. And he's STILL carrying the brunt of that load, even though I'm continuing to take care of my side of the street. (I don't know if it will last; anything can happen. But if I'm doing my best and he cheats AGAIN, he can go on ...)

I might get kicked off this site for saying so - and that's ok because my M is in recovery and I'm only here to try to help others - but I think there's a HUGE difference between a M being in trouble because of boredom and two people not meeting each other's needs and then a M being in trouble because of an A ... or the aftermath of one. That's maybe why there's only one chapter in DR devoted to extramarital affairs. And even MWD advocates a much firmer stance in that chapter. But we all look for the magic bullet and think that the whole book applies to our sitch, even if there's been an A. And we believe the book tells us to "placate" our spouses. I did that once. And ended up back here 8 years later. I don't think the same rules apply in the event of an A. My H said this time it was my self-assurance - my "confidence," he called it - that re-attracted him. Not my validating and kissing his a$s even though he was the one getting that very thing on the side.

I firmly believe that we can ACT confident and self-assured and happy and content ... and that might re-attract our spouses. But until we reach the place where we actually KNOW that we - and our children - will be okay on our own, we are just setting ourselves up to be doormats. A M is a privilege. Not a right. And it should be treated as such. By BOTH sides.

We don't deserve our spouses. We EARN them. And if we earn them and they don't reciprocate, then we've earned something better. There IS an end-point to the supplication. But I can't tell you where that end-point is for your own M. I only know where it is for mine.

Heart you girls.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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I can't even come close to hitting the nail on the head as Train has and I'm a guy, but here's my 2 cents.

I'm separated too, and WAW and I haven't crossed that field you and husband are in that you mentioned. However, WAW still comes over and acts as if this is still home and lets me come over to hers (I choose) to visit with the kids and help out.
I'm replying only because today I was talking with a female coworker who I've been talking with about my sitch. So in essence this is coming from another female, but she primarily said, "She wants something."

So, your husband wants something and in my opinion he doesn't FULLY want the marriage just yet. My WAW too, has mentioned she is sorry a couple of times before we separated, but here we are 4 weeks separated (she wanted to separate) and I've since put myself out there at least 3 times expressing/acting on my feelings only for her not to reciprocate those same feelings.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
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Twinmom, I'm The Queen Rug Sweeper. One Christmas just a few years into the M, I found receipts for lingerie and jewelry that I didn't get for Christmas. H gave me a story and I believed him. After a couple of kids, H had an email EA with my best friend. The he started looking at porn. All swept under the rug, because I thoughts that's what a good W was supposed to do, swallow hard and get over it and believe that her H actually did love her, and it's what's best for the kids anyway. It didn't work. Now he's having a full-blown A and has left me.

If my H walked in the door, begged forgiveness and said he wanted to work on the M, I'd be skeptical. I'd be even more wary of him if he admits he's afraid of the work. It would be really easy to take him back, but.......I personally wouldn't without some show of effort on his behalf. Because I think he'd just leave again when things got hard.

That's my $.02. Everbody has an opinion. wink You have to do what's right for you. Good luck.



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twinmom Offline OP
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Train, thank you. I fully get what you are saying. I agree 110%. I don't want to be a doormat, I agree he doesn't deserve me. And on some level I know he doesn't want me.

I think I allowed us to get into this situation because it was easy. It was easy to have some help with the kids, it was easy to have someone to talk to at night, it was easy sex......

I don't like where we are right now because it leaves me kind of wanting more. H isn't willing to give more now.

I asked him last night what his faults were and what he was working on, he was seeing a therapist on his own for a while... He said he didn't want to share that with me because it wouldn't change my mind about wanting a divorce so why bother. (He doesn't know I am thinking about not divorcing. He thinks the sex is just sex for me.)

Today I woke up with a migraine, full blown vomiting/eyes couldn't focus/sensitive to any sound & light. H called off work, took the older boys to school and then took care of the kids all day. I was thankful for him today.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Sweetie, I get it. It's easy and convenient.

If a glorified nanny is all you need, then carry on. But if your heart is involved - and if you're trying to save your M - you're eventually going to be hurt again if you continue on this course.

Pay the piper today. Or pay him tomorrow. Either way, he's coming with his hand out.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
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I think that you ought to tell him that you were thinking about reconsidering the D and see where he is at. I think it's time for some authentic communication, if he is capable of that. Your answer may be revealed in those exchanges. He may be feeling or thinking differently than you imagine and, IMO, this is not the time to guess. He has put you through a lot, no question, and nobody blames you for pursuing a D, but there doesn't seem to be a pressing need to decide today so I would start talking about things more and see where that gets you. What about joint MC?

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