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A Message from Michele
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Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 #2523647
01/05/15 06:50 PM
01/05/15 06:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
Day #23...

I woke up at 3:30am today and didn't get fully back to sleep. Again thoughts about my W. The stop thoughts and counting breaths helped but I had to do them constantly to keep the stray thoughts away. Noted that the emotions that came with the thoughts were not very intense. Not hearing from or knowing about her bothers me less but still bothers me.

...

Last night I asked S11 if he would call his mom. He said maybe and then did not.

This morning W called him as I was driving him to school. He asked her immediately if she was picking him up from school Wednesday and taking him to her aunt's house. She said she would pick him up and take him to me.

This is not what the schedule she set up currently says. I heard her say yesterday that we would follow this week's schedule as planned. I'll send her a text saying I agree with her schedule and let's stick with it.

Later she calls and I let it go to VM. She sounds tired... says she is at the old house. Says it's a mess with dirty floors and carpets, and there's some stuff in my bathroom I left behind. She wants to know if I had planned to come back and clean. She asks me to call. She then texts and asks me to call... it's about the house.

I had planned to go at noon to sweep and vacuum. Even so, I didn't respond.

Later, W calls again. I let it go to VM. She sends a text. Says she's going to go back to the house to clean up and vacuum. Says she'll be there at X time if I would like to help. She'll also clean up the back yard. Says thanks.

I don't respond.

I do go to the old house at lunch and vacuum and sweep like I had planned. I leave my key for the home and walk away. That will be the last time I go there. I feel good leaving. I leave before the time W said she would show up.

And I still haven't responded to W.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: HPoirot] #2523650
01/05/15 06:55 PM
01/05/15 06:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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HP,

From my perspective, you're behaving quite petulantly by ignoring W's messages. You've been counseled to act cordially. Get there, dude.

As for the schedule, I would suggest that you draft an email to W and post here for feedback along with clarification about the car. It will prevent misunderstandings and assumptions. It's time for you to step up and firm things up with W.

Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: Wonka] #2523652
01/05/15 06:58 PM
01/05/15 06:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,585
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LITB Online
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LITB  Online
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HP,

I agree with Wonka on not responding. You could have simply let her know that you would sweep and vacuum. You don't have to get into a deep convo.

Curious to know what your "expectation" is by ignoring her?


Me:45 W:48
M: 04/97
1st BD: 11/10
2nd ReCon: 05/14
D-16 S-13
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: LITB] #2523661
01/05/15 07:14 PM
01/05/15 07:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 413
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Calibri Offline
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Calibri  Offline
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HP,

What does not responding to W get you? How hard is it to let her know you'll sweep and vacuum? I understand not wanting to be buddy buddy and not wanting to talk, but things like taking care of the house, etc, imo, warrant a response. She's not asking for you to take her back or to have a R talk, she's trying to figure out logistics.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: Calibri] #2523662
01/05/15 07:18 PM
01/05/15 07:18 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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SunnyB Offline
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SunnyB  Offline
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HP, not to beat you up, but I agree with the last three posters and wonder if there's any way you could salvage this somewhat? Is it too late to shoot W a text and tell her you already stopped by to sweep and vacuum? Before she gets there and realizes what happened? Or is it too late?



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: SunnyB] #2523674
01/05/15 07:45 PM
01/05/15 07:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline OP
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HPoirot  Offline OP
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Thank you Wonka, Calibri, rppfl, and LITB. I did not DB regarding W today. I didn't even try.

With each one of her contacts today... I did a repulsed reaction instead of a "time to be cordial b/c it's my goal" response.

Thank you for asking what my expectation is by ignoring her LITB. That is a very good question and made me think about how I've been today and other days like this...

My acting this way doesn't get me anything. It's me rejecting her and not accepting her and wanting her to know that b/c that's how I've let myself feel since this morning.

This is not my DB plan... this was me hating her today. For her decisions... for changing the schedule again so now I have to step up to her again... for inviting me again to do something together to help her under these circumstances.

All that is wrong of me yes. And on a low hanging fruit day. Yes could have simply said... "Hey W I'm already at the house sweeping and vacuuming thanks."

Instead... later I texted... "Hello W. Went by the house earlier and straightened up a little. Let me know if you need anything else."

She said... "Hey thanks. I am here now. Will get s11 at x time."

This morning lying in bed for 2 hours... I left that feeling hopeless about my M. I don't know what she's doing now... What she wants or what she's thinking b/c we don't talk b/c I left and I don't talk to her. I'm irritated at another invitation from her to be in the same space she's in to help her under these circumstances. I'm frustrated she keeps calling me after I've made it clear a few times to call me only on S11 emergencies. She just called me again and left a VM. Now she want to rearrange the finances she agreed to... me taking the all taxes and her claiming just her own pay for the S11 tuition so she can maybe get financial aid. I've already told her I'm not leaving the tuition to her and I'm sick of this.

Ranting. I'm not doing the confident steady man at all right now. It's just everyday with her. I'm wearing down again.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: HPoirot] #2523678
01/05/15 07:53 PM
01/05/15 07:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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SunnyB Offline
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SunnyB  Offline
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Originally Posted By: HPoirot
Instead... later I texted... "Hello W. Went by the house earlier and straightened up a little. Let me know if you need anything else."

She said... "Hey thanks. I am here now. Will get s11 at x time."


Good job. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: SunnyB] #2523687
01/05/15 08:09 PM
01/05/15 08:09 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
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Mozza Offline
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Mozza  Offline
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Given your situation, that she's still not working on the M, still with OM, that you have a six-month timeline, that your W keeps changing all that you've agreed, would it be a good idea to get a third party (mediator?) involved to set a few things in stone in a S agreement?

By the way, you could eventually give S11 a printed schedule very week so that he knows where he's going. It might reduce the change requests from W. I don't know.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: Mozza] #2523701
01/05/15 08:37 PM
01/05/15 08:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,585
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LITB Online
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LITB  Online
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HP,

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. It is normal. As a matter of fact, I believe that it is healthy to process all these feelings, instead of shoving them aside. Healthy detachment is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. For me, it took nearly a year.

I'd rather you be real with us, than to paint a picture of what you think we want to hear.

Also, it is important to you remain consistent with your boundaries and agreements. You are doing a great job in that regard.


Me:45 W:48
M: 04/97
1st BD: 11/10
2nd ReCon: 05/14
D-16 S-13
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Re: Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4 [Re: LITB] #2523709
01/05/15 09:08 PM
01/05/15 09:08 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Houston, TX
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mvg Offline
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Posts: 120
Houston, TX
HP,

I'm not sure about others, but you're a few months ahead of me and are definitely setting a good example to follow. Some of us are definitely looking to you right now, keep going!

Any thoughts on a mediator?


Me: 39 XW: 37
S7 S4
ILYBINILWY: 11/14
OM: 11/14
D process: 12/14
D final: 04/15
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