thanks for the birthday wishes. it's been a totally waacky and rushed beginning of the year (yeah- I know, it's may already- hardly a beginning). december i began (waaaay early (i thought) to deal with a big old tax disclosure form tyhat had to be done- and found out not only was i not early- i was late as heck. screwed around alot of the month with that and mom's house clear-out. it was just tons and tons of 'stuff' & details, etc.
anyway- got the form done- went to fla for a month to chill- came back and house REALLY REALLY had to get cleared out and
hey- somehow i pressed button & sent that. anyway- worked like a dog alllll march in that house- lots and lots of cleaning, painting, fixing, looking, remembering - 68 or so years of someone & all of our's lives in that house. etc- got it totallyu allllll ready- and whattya think (no kidding) i'm in cellar saying out loud to self- "okay, floor looks clean (painted it) and this place is f'ing ready- not one more thing to do" and i turn around to admire my tons of work- and there are some flying "ants" that turn out to be termites- so complete rush, dead heat to get estimates on that and the repairs to damaged wood ( began looking like many thousands of bucks to accomplish- but in two short weeks before hopping on plane got extimates from 4 bug guys, & 4 carpenters- got work done- paperwork to hopefully pass inspection and jumped on a plane to england for a month.
so- just got back and here i am. took h to airport yesterday- thought i should go say i'm still alive. i'm not any f urther along as far as the "unstuck" thing.. i was looking back over my other posts in jan. - i swear- what a big fat baby i sound like. i guess when i'm typing it , it's what i'm feeling and thinking.
It was sooo nice and pleasant to get right out of this coutnry and away from that darn house & estate and my sisters- i can't say how sorry i was to co me home. it was so pretty over there at this time of year- i sure love england. s till have that fantasy of just picking up my b uttons and moving there. wh o knows - "in the end" what i might do?? i sure don't.
anyway- it was a really nice trip. i think you are all correct that i am stuck- he's a serial cheater and probably always will be- i still have brain freeze-up when i try and formulate a total- overall sweeping conclusion and decision about my life and his place in it- or out of it and then jump up and do soemthing dramatic to change it all. i still cannot imagine him not being somewhere in my life - and cannot imagine him being somehwere in my life also in light of what he now seems to be (inside). i shut it off - just cannot dive back into the trama of thinking about it all - it makes me feel tired and pressured and otherwise i'm rather "even" lately.
see- just now, even beginning to think about "itr all" - i just shut off- nothing to say- and loath to even think about it. i think - unless forced otherwise - i loosely plan to just plug along, having my little life here, work when it's there, garden, still swearing to de-junk my house. i want to capture the magic of living out of a suitcase in hotel rooms - it was so nice to not have anything to bother with. i'm savoring tht notion and trying to walk around house picking up things that are "non-essential" - making a pile - i intend to just do this. the feeling of lightness with out allll the stuff was so good.
my good buddie from workin days in fla has breast cancer and began writing e-mails while on trip - and expressing her need to be entertained and live vicariously at present- so been reportring in to her about travels, etc - . she's pretty sick- it makes me stop (as usual) (my life at a glance - stopped) and take stock. i'm awful glad to be healthy. i think whatever i do, in the end about this db stuff and this man - - and whatever comes - will just slowly grind into being - i don't think i need to jump up and down and decide things- i am not miserable and i'm grateful for that. he may be someone other than what i thought- but he's affording me an awful lot of freedom to just do whatever the heck i want.
i'm sure you are allll right about me being stuck- i am alright- but at the moment i still feel incredibly tired and just can't seem to dive in and take on more upheaval in life. i just need a bit more placidity . maybe if i could get these two houses sold and all the trouble in this family put away once and for all- i'd feel all sparky and ready to act. i am just not sure what i want- sorry to be soo frustrating here. i don't think i'm depressed - so glad about that.
i am cautiously optimistic about the future - whatever that may hold. ya never know what i may do or what may occur . maybe because i feel like i can walk away and not go under any time i want- i don 't feel pressured to have to make any big gestures or "show him" kind of thing. i'm keeping my thoughts to my self in general and he can just be surprised or whatever he is when i do or become whatever i will.
boy, i sure sound "out there" - sorry gang. it's all i have - life is okay at the moment (no open hostility from any quarter) - i don't want my little boat rockin at all- either way- good or bad - i just wanna float along a bit longer while its quiet. .
oh well - hope you all are great . I haven't got time to go lookin around - will try and find some later. there sure always seems to be too manyu things needing my attention. i'm outta here-
Hey Nero - lovely to have you back. Tell me about your UK trip, I am missing the place already! Did you travel around or just go to one area?
Everyone is different and everyone's sitch is different so I don't think there is any right or wrong in how long it takes to pass through this part of your journey, if it feels ok to you then its OK
You are moving forwards, I see it in your posts. I think maybe because we live it everyday we don't notice the little changes in us, the thoughts we have, the thoughts we no longer have, the things we do or no longer do, it all counts.
Anywhoo, glad you good time in Blighty, I hope more adventures await you
Thanks for note. Life seems to have been awfully busy this year- i'm glad you're "there".
you know, i feel like i'm "improved" and less "lost" in general , in life. I flounder when i can't sleep and my brain feels like i have to "get in" or "get out". same old thing - short version.
Last nite at 3:30 am a show i passed by & watched for a bit was a couples counseling show with a man and woman going down a list of "warning signs" - and then, finishing up with a list of "glad they stayed in the marriage because:_____" list. had alot of both. oh man- it's interesting I guess, but i'm better when i stop thinking - period. it does creep in.
the woman finished up saying that it's hard "out there" to find good people. So- yeah...... some of this, some of that- the usual incredibly complicated mix......
Hey - i'm an American - i guess i want "the fix" - ka bam- surgery - a big pill - take it all at once- total "cure" , blah blah blah. oh well huh ? - she went on to say they had been invited to give their seminar in korea - that along with "westernizing" a culture- came all the same western downsides & problems, divorce, infidelity- cripes!!!
but then- other cultures - becoming more intensely "religious" - have gone to the other extreme of extreme violence (in the name of religion (rules, morals??? right and wrong)wtf???. the entire world seems crazy to me. what the heck is going on in general with people?
Interestingly- in England - for an entire month- i slept all night- every night - without even one sleeping pill. what the heck is that??? now that i'm back - back to crappola nights. last nite was a joke - oh mannnnnn -
all the same usual stuff - i'm never going to make it to thewindup of this stinkin estate- or what tho??? there is no way out of it - - i hate it - rite along with h & ow, etc - but end up being "practical" and figuring half is better than none. ?????
so are you still the queen of organization? i am soooooo STUCK on that front- and keep thinking if ever, for once, i felt like everything was "current" - my mental jumble-ocity would subside. I loved living out of a suitcase- i NEEED some seeable progress - and i need some help of some sort.
it all seeeems toooooo big - and i don't sweem to ever make a dent that is seeable. and i want to seee something.
i just got called to work in elementary school today- said okay- i always do. should be interesting. i'm seriously short on sleep - so hopefully the day won't be too crazy. it will be soooo busy with little kids- no time to think and that's good too.
it was great - we drove around entire time. stayed for one week stint in skipton - drove around yorkshire - it was soooo lovely- green - lambs jumping around allover the place. what a pretty pretty country . went also to lake district, cotswolds, stratford -upon-avon a few days- aside from skipton- spent a few days here and a few days there. ended up with three days or four in london. can't rightly rmember.
i'll come back and describe some travels - lots of lovely places - if i can corral my brain in a bit. this "real life" junk consumes me. ( i getr sucked rite back into the family hostility thing- i am just to thinking of famly in life in terms of "support" rather than "the enemy". which i apparently am to some. it's disorienting and upsetting. oh well huh? grow up me???
as usual- workin on conquering that and feeling "orderly" in life. yeah rite-
gotta go find something to wear to work tho, so i'm outta here.
Just reporting in. Nothing remarkable to say about my life as it is. Peaceful &pleasant when together . I find it more obnoxious to be apart and More & more (now that mom is gone and there is no real giant REASON) to be in nj (aside from a whole different life of my own here) i don't like being alone so much. I don't know what i really want - bottom line.
i'M TIRED of controlling myself so rigidly- i'm tired of being "reasonable" and patient, etc. I wonder honestly - then read the book one more time and think i can hold this in a bit longer. "remain calm" - not so sure it's the right thing to be doing - awaiting inspiration from above (or somewhere).
Estate junk is rocky- everyone at everyone elses throat. I feel inbetween everyone - these two houses still for sale- had an offer for each - , both toooo low- bUT i'm trying to be reasonable and maybe accept crappy market- but don't want to make wrong decision for everyone else along with me. i'm a bad negotiator and feel a strong sense of duty to do best here. cripes!!
have to work today- so that's okay. still substituting, doing pretty well on a daily basis. Less or no ripping pain - not totally happy & carefree about r. It still stinks, it seems to be teeeeeeeny teeeeeeny increments of "better" that kind of throws me off - but overall still same. ow still around - so really it's hard to read these signs, so subtle, losing desire to even try & bother sometimes.. endeavoring to wind it out best i can til i "blow".
I want that old time feeling of loving and being loved. I don't want to be totally "alone" - (as in, is part time "mate" better than none?) idk the answer to that. My sister in town is out of work and struggling like mad- it's a moderating force. seeing up close and personal the unhappiness of life on one's own (ALLLLLLL THE TIME). it's grinding her down. there's good and bad for both positions- keeps me on my fence (yeah- i k now, i'm building a house on the fence ) . i'm still just going with my gut day by day- idk - still have not just gone bizerk and walked out for one more day.
i'm doing good th o- feelin like old self most of time- ta da haven't croaked from it all - will be happy when estate is closed and i'm out of this "job"
nero, I'm very happy that you came back to post an update.
Estate sales/belongings can be a real headache. Sounds like you are trying to please everyone. Nero, you can't do it. You have to do what you think is right and go from there. If they aren't happy w/your decisions, then they can do the work. You've held the family together far, far too long by yourself.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello my friend. I am so glad you posted. I think about you often.
As far as the estate stuff, Job is right, Nero. You will not ever be able to make everyone happy. All you can do is your best.
So, seems like you still aren't sure what to do. I can feel you weighing what it's like to be alone against having someone part time.
The thing is that only you really know your heart. I can only tell you about mine. I have learned that I matter. I know my worth. I would want to be with someone who feels that way about me, too, no matter the struggle.
You have decide what is best for you and if this is right for you now, then, that is what is important.
You know I always worried about what this was doing to your heart and your spirit, my friend. That is what matters to me.