pain meds, depression, separation turning bad

[gan]

Yes, it's crazy making isn't it?! The only thing I can offer is to give it time...and throw yourself into Headspace. Have you watched the Expectation animation yet? Yoga is also really helping me but you might get the same results from working out. Oh and grab some dramamine - it's a roller coaster ride (but gets smoother as you go along).

[Zelda09]

Holy [censored], I did it - I detached a bit today and just let myself be happy! No drama in the head, just a happy heart to be without any drama, and I feel so light! Wish you could tell me it will last

[Sotto]

Hey Zelda - good for you! It may not last, but it will come back. I notice lately that I have been feeling 'lighter' - enjoying the winter sun on my face etc....enjoy it when it comes!

[Zelda09]

Thanks, Toots. It is a wonderful feeling, almost like coming out of a type of death or sleep...it has felt so good in these last 24 hours, I am now nervous about seeing him next week. I don't want to be set back.

H called our MC last night to set up an appt to talk before he comes back to town. I am trying not to hang too much on that one way or the other. I believe he's seeking her help on an IC level. Good, BETTER even.

My big peace thought this morning - you gotta have a good relationship with yourself before you can with anyone else.

H has always admitted to not knowing himself, his goals, what he wants for his life, and said when we first started dating that he looked to a relationship to bring him stability and happiness. Why those weren't red flags to me...but we love anyway. And maybe part of my love was seeing his potential, the good man he is, all the little things I love about the way he thinks, his beauty and grace, and all his past hurt and wanting to be part of his journey into actualization. Who knows, but...

So as much as I've been beating myself up for the emotional disconnect in me, what I couldn't give him, all the grief and regret in my part in this - I am strong, successful, attractive, in good health, I'm funny, adventurous, lots of friends and lucky to have some very close ones...and generally I sit on the happy side of life when I wake up and go to bed. I enjoy being in a room with my own thoughts and nothing else. I enjoy creating and have lots of energy for it. This is what I am starting to feel again, bits of joy in just being. My friends call me the football coach and joke that I'm not exactly warm and fuzzy and maybe that would be ok with the other 90% of men folk. (Ironic that I get paid to write warm and fuzzy things.) My feelings are tender, and I am working on reconciling that with my delivery and way I process and react to the world, getting rid of old coping habits. H told me the other day, 'W, if it was the end of the world, people would be lining up behind you to follow you.' So, yes...I like all these things about myself. I like me. Faults and all. He once liked me, too.

I want my H to like him before he comes back to our M. If I quit thinking about how much I want him back...no, it wasn't working. He was so heavy and miserable and really, I got lots of nothing out of his dependency on me as much as I love him, it was eating away at the joy and lightness I've just, just found returning. When he left, it was worse of course, (except initially - I was very ok about everything for 48 hours or so, something like relief), and I've spent the last two and half months barely able to think straight. But now it's like a fog is lifting over a lot of my spiritual energy.

He wasn't able to give a whole lot to me or himself, bc he's been so disappointed, angry and blaming of everyone around him, focused on all of our imperfections and faults, things people haven't been or been doing for him, without looking at what he could have done for himself...this is not what I want in my life. And he must have felt it through my frustration and withdrawal and ultimately this is where he walked away and detached. It is easy to say I could have done better. I know so many of us on this board are 100% focused on the changes that would have allowed 'done better.' But I think I also have to respect the honesty of where I was and what I was dealing with.

And also, he may be one big 'cheeseless tunnel' for me. I very much know what I enjoy about life and what I'd like out of it...for the last several years that has been a family. I'm ready for that. He's not, or at least hasn't been since after we were M. This might be another chance to look reality in between the eyes...and choose uncertainty (at my age, odds are slim for a new R and chance at building a family, but I'm curious about egg freezing), and I don't want to have regrets I would maybe always hold against him. I have been the mover and shaker all along the way, pushing for the major benchmarks of a life together - marriage, house...I think on top of everything he was going through, the intense loneliness, he couldn't bear the thought of me pushing him into a family situation, too, or having to come up against my expectation that he might work again. That is what I expect. I don't enjoy carrying the load by myself. And I expect I will have a hard time respecting him on a mutually enjoyable level if he chooses to be disabled and hateful for the rest of his life. (He will always have some chronic pain, but he is whole, ambulatory and intelligent.)

I will choose to be ok with all of this. This is a journey he absolutely does need to take before focusing on our R, or M.

Today I am choosing to be grateful for the good times, and though I'm not sure what to do with all those good memories that stir so much heartache, I am sure they'll find a place to settle. I'll dream of travel and all that I can accomplish this year, the ways that I'll grow and the stronger woman I'll be.

[gan]

Well I basically could have written all that, as well. Girl, you camping out in my head or something?

Yes, I do feel like we're in a bit of a dilemma being in our mid-thirties and suddenly single when only months ago we were thinking about starting a family. LRT is all good and fine...but meanwhile the clock is ticking (or so we're told). This really bothered me earlier on.

It's interesting though, this whole experience has made me really question if I wanted children...or if I wanted children with H. I now realise it was the latter. I wanted to see him be a father - I think he'd be great at it. My desire to have children has gone way down since we separated.

An older, single lady acquaintence of mine has been looking into IVF using a donor. She's decided she's going to go ahead and have a baby herself. I think it is great that she's taking things into her own hands, but that's not a path I would choose.

[Zelda09]

Ganb8te,

Yes. Exactly, all of that. I can't imagine raising a kid by myself. I saw H and I doing a really good job together though, all his nurturing energy balancing my driving/teaching energy.

IC gave me an interesting perspective. How our parents talk to us is how we learn to talk to ourselves, cope. If Hs parents just didn't engage, he is correct when he says he doesn't know how to have conversations with himself. It might also be the reason he keeps saying he needs ppl around, that care about him, all of his attention seeking methods, inability to just ask for what he needs. If a child receives that love and nurture, they become self assured and confident in their own lives. He is still stuck emotionally as a kid. Me pressuring him to give real support, find a career, be a mate/parent / didnt feel good to him bc it was more responsibility than he wanted. Me - I had some good strong positive self identity but a chaotic childhood with abusive alcoholic Jekyll/Hyde day/night. I learned to cope by firing on all four cylinders and disconnecting from emotions. So H and I found our childhood again perhaps. He three angry tantrums to get my attention, I disengaged through instability and chaos, and got deeper into my own life, his emotional needs continued to be neglected.

So now. I am dreading seeing him. Something in me is turning. I am worried about sex, as long as he is emotionally not wanting to be here or take responsibility, I don't know...yes, there is some connection but I think it is not a good idea for my emotional health. Does anyone have any experience with this, is it a good idea or no?

I feel like I don't want my M anymore. Like it would take him making some huge changes and overtures to get me to turn around feelings right now. What is happening? Is this normal too?

He will be back soon. I don't want to damage any chance but I don't want to be jerked around either.

[happy1]

Clocks are ticking.. go to OB and demand/ask for FSH blood score. Google FSH levels for more information.

[gan]

Hi Zelda,
I've not personally hit the point where I feel I don't want the M but I've seen many people here who do. Often fleetingly. My impression is that you need to just sit with that feeling and continue to DB to keep options open. If the feeling sticks around long enough (I'm thinking months here) then you can trust that feeling and you will know what to do. For now, take it with a grain of salt.

[Zelda09]

I am trying to remember that feelings come and go. I am experiencing anger and resentment right now. For years that seem wasted in agonizing over his inability to define who H was going to be the next day. For a proposal that was ridiculously lazy and only happened bc I was like s*** or get off the pot. I don't see a lot of hope in him right now. I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted another good year on hope when, as much as he loved me, he never truly believed in much of anything. I am angry, hearing my own thoughts- when he told me he didn't understand the point of marriage, I should have believed him. For all the red flags I ignored bc there were so many good things I loved about him. For ignoring the relationship he had with his mother, sister, and thinking that age old advice didn't apply. The vows we took, that we would talk together through all things and the hatred he treated me with, the day he flipped me off and I lost my temper bc I tried asking what was wrong. Thinking I could make him happy. I think he's done the minimum all year to keep a status quo so he could find a new start when a settlement was in sight. After 3 years of me supporting him.

Happy - I googled it. Doesn't make me feel better about anything!

[happy1]

Z.
I offer this info with tender and open heart:

My thought is: If having children is important to you, and it may or may not be with your H, and if you are up for it, discuss with OB. You can explain are in a state of limbo with your M, but do know you want to have children someday so you want to gather info on egg freezing. Ask for FSH test to see your current fertility status--OBs do not often volunteer this test which is why I suggest you ask.

I realize this is very personal and not trying to add to the stress. I just see so many women who are in their mid 30s, 40s who do/did not know about the simple blood test and did not take to heart that the clock was really ticking and wish they had the test and froze eggs.

At least you will have some information.