May your new year be

[Ggrass]

Shiney and fresh.

I think this weeks just tough, long days away from home 11 hours each day. It's just the roster. Last day today.

Rubbish food I know isn't helping, thus pushing the spiral more. The negative thoughts are h, he was always scripting every one being bad dishonest etc, with him being the only honnest one. I know both xh and h will think what they think. Xh is a master manipulator and seems s17 has learned from his example well.

The fact he can tell xh, he never made threats he never laid a hand on me, when I was pushed onto the chain saw or when he has threatened to run me over. I am the one to whom things are done but somehow s17 needs to be protected from me, I'm the bad and nasty one.
S17 is fibbing to xh. He tells his dad the complete reverse of what is happening. I feel like I am being backed into a corner, with no right of reply.

My own mum would not have tolerated the behaviour that I get from s17, and yet she talks about how hard I am on him. She slapped me in the face across the table In front of her parents I was 16 for licking a knife, as it was bad manners.

Yet expecting s17 to be honnest and not harm other physically is just being too tough?
Expecting s17 to actually be looking for work is not ok, when he lies about it. Xh had to admit that s17 said dads driving me to business looking for work each week was a lie. Family are making huge excuses for s17.

The reason why all this seems to be triggering me, is h script.
The script he put on me, about being bad unworthy dishonest. Etc.
at least it's only being processed here and not being acted out.

[edz]

Hi ggrass, never got slapped as a kid but my grandmother stuck a fork in my hand for reaching across a dining table among other fun things she and grandfather did (they lived with us from when I was 5 and I hated it).

You've got some real cr@p you're dealing with but you are dealing with it and I think you're right that whatever scripts are being pushed your way are not the actions you need to follow. The real challenge (for me) is then knowing which ones to go for in the absense of following established patterns.

From everything you've written here id be scared and horrified at some of the behaviour you've experienced and you're still moving forward, you're one extremely strong person gg and all I can say is I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position.

We're all here for you, take care.

[Ggrass]

Well the wench is a wench no more.
I have a terribly cute filly.

I never wanted that pointless crap repeated with s17, hence I did end my 1st marriage. To a man who thought threats were ok. H threats were more calm, but now I realise they were still threats. Very tight and controlling Bounderies. Lots of unspoken rules lots of bumping into h feelings which he considered major Infigements anything I Did was major and anything he did minor and did not deserve talking about. He though him hitting s17 meant I should go to mc with him, as it was my fault. He did not go alone.

The slapping incident was a minor one, to be honnest.

I saw a woman abuse her daughter in the shop yesterday I cringed. She is a prime bully, she was in today I wanted to puke, she seems to want to bully every one in the world.
Makes my skin crawl now thinking about her.

There is no way I see myself like her but h and s17 script says I am. Other friends talk about what a door mat and piece maker I am. Often I feel that more role is more me, which is more about learning to stand up and not being walked apon.

[Vanilla]

Gg
There is a stirring of old memories and hurts.

As our darling gg stabilises and feels more in control then the old memories are rising. Gg are you seeing an IC at the moment? You may wish to consider it as you have reached a cross road where you are reviewing the abuse of the past. It is an important time and to successfully navigate this passage then you may need extra resources.

There is a sense in which enforcing boundaries causes a backlash, when we discuss this with new GAanon members they are told that there are 3-4 phases of recovering from the abuse of an active compulsive. The first phase is setting boundaries, which meets with disbelief (1-3) months, then enforecement of boundaries (3-6 months) which usually meets with resistance and an attempt to return to codependency and abuse. The next phase is withdrawal of the abusers in an attempt to establish pursuit but often the gamanon member has newer more healthy relationships to replace and finally a life free of abuse.
A great deal of research has been done recently into the spouses and families of alcoholics and those affected with borderline personality disorders. Which shows that without realisation, the spouse of an alcoholic moves from one alcoholic partner to the next. The pattern of attraction is not yet understood, I have read extensively and confess I don't understand it, merely observed it. There are much better minds than mine gg but I am aware extra help at IC will be very useful.

I spent a couple of hours in my research material and there is an AA trainer who trains therapists specialising in helping spouses and families of alcoholics compulsives and BPD. Here is the link to one of his talks, the content is very good but quite theoretical as it is aimed as a training course for specialist therapists and leaders of GAanon groups are recommended to view it. So it isn't populist and dynamic like TED talks.
http://youtu.be/Ytq51GMsd8w

I see this as a good sign gg, not a bad one, you may be ready to deal with all of this and move to new better relationships. There is hope gg in this although of course those around you who are creating all this disturbance are trying to move gg back to where their comfort zones have left them, back to abuse.
Gg keep posting we want to see you happy and strong, without a return to the night terrors and daymares of previous years.

Gg you are in a different space, a space where you can move forward without abuse and with love. I am projecting all of the love and support my higher power has access to and sending this to you across the distance. Thinking about my friend gg at this time.
Peace
Vanilla

[Ggrass]

Yeah, it's funny how and when these issues come up.

I'm my case xh was a drinker, but h was the complete opposite.
Xh was loud temper tanties blown over in mins, h was a blow up followed by days of being unable to speak to him because he would be triggered.

You had to be super careful, until you have placated h enough. You had to take punishment. This was not a part of the early r. He needed time to cool, which is ok IMHO and process.

Later the whole process became far more abusive, punishment, not being able to speak, being told I was nasty for being so scard to speak I was mute. Doing the whole settlement is more than just about the "stuff" it my way of actually coming to grips with how much I did contribute. With actuall evidence h says does not exist.
It's about standing up for gg and the slur of dishonesty and laziness.

I was seeing ic, but I ran out waiting till I can have another round of sessions.

[Ggrass]

Got dragged out for coffee after work last night, another stupid o'clock getting home.
Today is a complete write off, so far.

Black slid on food goals and healthy choices this week. Time to start new today maybe I should set fire to the couch it's hot and Im wanting an easy day.

[Vanilla]

Gg

We can be starting again today with the healthy living thing. pact?

V

[Ggrass]

Yeah, tryed that yesterday backslide a bit. Ate well, but the. Those Christmas chocolates, they jumped out again.

Bloated belly, bloated beewbs seems the joy of the curse is coming again. Explains the cycling emtional stuff too. It seems to come round far to quickly. Although I'm not sure how regular it's being due to contraception.

So new day off to lunch with mates, but I can have fish and salad which was last night dinner salmon smashed tato and a nice salad. Turns out salmon fillets you can buy in micro packets so I can take theses to work for my dinners. Easy peasy make salad grab fish micro one min.
No prep no planing in advance, so in case of extreme gal no prep required.

Read an article on fb that says depression is now being linked to pysical sickness. Inflammation causes feelings of illness thus creating a cycle of dression, chocolate sweets and fatty life style are contributing.

Mmmm h ate blocks of chocolate lived on sugar in his coffee and tea. Ow supposedly is a healthy lifestyle addict, but is very overweight. Mmmm perhaps hence h was depressed, rubbish diet rubbish feelings.

I know I felt instantly better when I gave up h lifestyle and lots of sugar.

[Pink17]

Hi GG,

Tough days, I just would like to say that it will be good once you start another series of sessions with IC.

Deep hurts and resentments bring us a lot of pain and sometimes blind us for who we really are, what we want and most important, how to deal with stuff and make good decisions, at least for ourselves.

What is happening to S17 is very unfortunate since people are enabling him to became irresponsible. He will grow into something he will regret later, but unfortunately I doubt he is able to see it clear now. It is not his fault, but people are giving him the easy way out and not preparing him for the real world out there.

I pray that your heart have peace, since it is a big deal to see your kid go through all this.

Keep strong GG, get some help. Maybe join a support group, you need some extra help. You need to feel calmer, have some nice fun. What are the things you like to do GG?

Maybe there are some things that can take you out of the nightmare for a few hours.

Regarding food, it's tricky. I have been boiling eggs and leaving in the refrigerator. Make a good amount of beans or lentils, have tomatoes and avocados, sardines. It's all easy to reach when I need a bite and it's good stuff for my health and helps to lose weight too.

Good luck GG, hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Hugs,
Pink

[Georgiabelle]

Hang in there GG! Sending you some positive vibes.