Ack!!! I can't believe I asked him to go out in public. Yeesh. I think he said yes because he feels sorry for me so it's back to no contact with males not firmly in the friend zone. I feel ridiculous. Deep breaths. I just cannot look stupid. I can't deal with that or looking pathetic. Argh!!!!
Hanging out with my best friend on Valentines day.
When will I stop being crazy????
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Warning .....Vent....much of what I'm going to say is devoid of logic. It is just how I feel.
I desperately need to get off this crazy train. I know only I can do that. I cried last night and this am. I was actually crying this am when x Mr. GB got there this am. I didn't care that he saw me crying. Some days I want to smack the a$$hat on the head. Most days I don't want to expend the energy. I felt better post BD than I do now. I hate the way I feel. I feel ugly, fat, stupid and I don't believe anything anyone says to me. While I appreciate kindness and support, I want to f$&king hurl when someone gives me a compliment. I don't believe on word they say. I know the only person who can change this is me. I do. However, I keep thinking.....am I really that bad? That unloveable?
S5 told me he missed cuddling with both parents in the bed. I just told him that I loved him and I'm sorry. I'm going to sound irrational yet again. Valentines day is almost here and x Mr GB said it was his favorite holiday. Oh yeah? Why didn't I ever get anything? I got him at least little stuff. Also, he moved out a year ago this week. When I told kids (because he was too busy tweeting) my daughter asked if we were having another baby. That still rips my hear out remembering their little faces. And the DB tweeted, " you think it's cold outside? You should be in my house. Everyone thinks I'm a bad guy." F U. What a $&@? Not to me but to his own kids. Selfish pr!ck. And he did take up with a woman who is facing a life time of electrolysis because she has a mustache. Did I say that? Hails yes I did and I don't feel bad. I know only I can change the way I view these "times of the year ." I know. Time.
I want someone to rub my shoulders. I want someone to ask how my day was. And I simply cannot fathom that ever happening. How the pho did I get here??? Grrrrrrr. Maybe I should have a breakdown on Twitter? Nope. Peeps would label me a loon- not a tortured, misunderstood soul.
I can't feel kind this much longer. I HATE this feeling of the crazy train. And I know, only I can get off the train.
Thanks for listening.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB- I kid you not - I was reading this as I ate lunch in my car and self medicated with an Almond Joy.
I know crying is not normal with you (as we have commiserated previously) - so I'm sorry to hear you are so down.
I am not, however, going to call you "crazy". To me the only normal reaction to essentially being a single mom with three kids and lots of external stressors, including an X who sounds like he harms more than he helps as a parent, is to have the occasional freak out.
You're not actually questioning whether you are loveable because of your X's actions are you? I am just going to say bluntly that the tastes of a middle aged, spiderman shirt wearing man who has shacked up with a hirsute coed, should not be given much weight.
I'm not going to appeal to your emotions right now - you do seem a "little" reluctant to accept compliments or affection from anyone other than your kids. And, my fiercely independent friend, is not logical - you clearly have many gifts and there would probably be some pretty awesome guys out there who would enjoy all the awesomeness that is GB and would want to ask her how her day is....please don't hurl.
And along those lines, I have a hard time accepting compliments too, but they aren't really "hurl-worthy"...it's not like they're those Jane Seymour open heart necklaces.
Normally I'd say hang tough - but maybe that good cry is just what you need right now.
Be well.
Oh- and thanks for letting me use "hirsute" in a sentence today.
You're not actually questioning whether you are loveable because of your X's actions are you? I am just going to say bluntly that the tastes of a middle aged, spiderman shirt wearing man who has shacked up with a hirsute coed, should not be given much weight.
Sorry for the momentary hijack, GB. But I just need to tell raliced I have a major girl crush on her. One of my high school BFF's and I both love the word hirsute, and we try to use it in conversation whenever it's appropriate. I need to tell her we have a sister in California.
I love hanging around vocab aficionados. I have spent a lifetime dumbing down my talents. I need to go find myself a local raliced. Well, raliced the guy.
Ok, end of my love fest. I applaud what she said, BTW. Besides, even when I was dating and happily married, I hated VD. Yes, I've *always* called it VD. It's a day when every other woman, man, child and animal is in the spotlight. It's always been really non-special to me. Give me my fricking birthday, hands down. I love being the Queen Bee on MY special day--to be shared with NO ONE. At least no one that I know. VD schmee dee. Give a f*ck. Take yourself out to dinner, have wine on... you, and celebrate that you're no longer married to a middle school boy masquerading as a man. Someone out there will think you're the bomb. If you want him to be hirsute, well, that's possible.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm late to your party, but I wanted to say... I scrolled your thread backwards to find where you'd posted. So I was chuckling about the hirsute coed before I got to your post.
Since you don't want compliments, I'll just say... Tomorrow is the last day of Mercury in retrograde. Supposedly after this things will revert to their natural order. All us strong, beautiful, loquacious, verbally precise ladies will revert to our fabulous happy selves (and all the home appliances will work again, etc.). Sadly, our confused, disengaged, squandering Xs and STBXs will still be sad, confused, and disengaged. We can't have everything (I'm not even totally sure what "Mercury in retrograde" means besides astrological chaos)!
My boys are kind of glad I sleep alone. Now they both fit in the bed and don't have to worry I'm going to kick one out.
I decided this year I'm taking back Valentine's Day. I'm going to buy each of my kids a bar of their favorite chocolate and let them eat the whole dang thing.
Sweet dreams, GB.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Tomorrow is the last day of Mercury in retrograde. Supposedly after this things will revert to their natural order. All us strong, beautiful, loquacious, verbally precise ladies will revert to our fabulous happy selves (and all the home appliances will work again, etc.). Sadly, our confused, disengaged, squandering Xs and STBXs will still be sad, confused, and disengaged. We can't have everything (I'm not even totally sure what "Mercury in retrograde" means besides astrological chaos)!
I laughed into my coffee on that one. Thank you for the posting!
Hirsute ladies: according to my gorgeous dil who notices these things, my xh's new wife (not the original OW) has that unfortunate line you get when you don't keep on top of the hair colouring process. I am small minded enough to cherish the image.
If I were meeting my new family I would make darned sure I was on top of that one . . . . .
As for the way you've been feeling: Don't be so hard on yourself. I've been at this three years longer and still have those feelings. Not as often as I used to, but I do. Time. Time is your friend and it will get better.
Quote:
How the pho did I get here???
Wow GB. I almost fell off of my chair when I read that. I've spent the last week asking myself that very question. Really.
You will be fine. It just takes time.
Sending a hug and shoulder rub your way...
Tad
P.S...how was your day?
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
You are definitely not alone. I could have made this exact post. You feel rejected, unloved and without value. You are desperately looking for validation from another man.
There is nothing "Crazy" about these feelings.
But, I think your friend is wrong. Self medicating with sex will not help. You will end up in a relationship with the wrong person, or go through multiple casual relationships that will leave you even more rejected and empty.
Besides, even when I was dating and happily married, I hated VD. Yes, I've *always* called it VD. It's a day when every other woman, man, child and animal is in the spotlight. It's always been really non-special to me. Give me my fricking birthday, hands down. I love being the Queen Bee on MY special day--to be shared with NO ONE. At least no one that I know. VD schmee dee. Give a f*ck. Take yourself out to dinner, have wine on... you, and celebrate that you're no longer married to a middle school boy masquerading as a man. Someone out there will think you're the bomb. If you want him to be hirsute, well, that's possible. 