Happy New Year Everyone! I hope 2015 brings you all much joy, new opportunities and growth. I hope for the same but I'm off to a bit of a rocky start. My world is closing in a bit at present. I need some input and advice. I can't talk to the source as it would make it worse and I can't post on FB since those involved creep my page and would know. My stomach is churning and I'm walking on eggshells - we all remember how that was.
So - this is about my disabled son, Ryan's care. Not a DB subject but one that many of you are familiar with either in your own lives or just listening to me.
Since we ditched the "Agency from Hell" nearly 2 years ago (or was it them ditching us?). Regardless - we gained the best worker of the bunch "L". She was the Golden Girl. Cared for Ryan in the kindest, sweetest manner. Lovely to have around. Always pleasant to us. Just a joy. Took her and a former worker to Disney World just over a year ago and then again this past Oct/Nov.
L is young (26) but smart and self assured (apparently) but perhaps a little too quiet. She had been coming into her own. She was with a boyfriend for 10 years and they had bought a house together. Had a couple of dogs. While we were away last year in Disney the other worker mentioned that he boyfriend seemed to be abusive to her on the phone, causing her to cry. That was the first sign of a problem.
J started working for us 18 months ago. From the get go she wanted to impress us and went above and beyond. Offering to do things that we would never have asked of her - but things that were most helpful. We really liked her (but always had a bit of a sense of her wanting to outrank L). The 2 got on well, though and even communicated or went out - outside of work. Not a good thing, really, but something I have no control over.
J told me in Sept that L's boyfriend was abusing her, they were breaking up and he had attempted suicide. L took 2 weeks off and J and our one other worker covered her time off. I was worried about our upcoming trip to Disney as she seemed distracted and a bit :"off" when she returned. The trip started off good but soon she started checking her phone constantly or pulling it out while working (forbidden). J told me she felt it was disrespectful. So did I but really said nothing. I did not want to upset the trip. Then J woke me at 2 AM one night to say that L had gone out at 11 and not returned. She went and checked the nearby hot tub but when she did not find her - I called Security. They found her at another hot tub - about a 10 min walk away. I was upset and our sleep was all disturbed. She did not understand why we were upset - we explained it wasn't safe and we were losing sleep worrying. Asked her to at least let us know where she was going. She then did the same the next night and I called her cel at 4 to ask her to come in. I lost another night's sleep. On returning home - I noticed her using her cel often and mentioned it to the agency. During a staff meeting after that - they spoke to all about the cel phones and L stormed out in tears as she felt she was being picked on. Following all this - I still managed to host a Christmas party for all staff and gave them nice gifts. All were in jovial moods and seems happy and appreciative. I'm leaving for FLorida on Monday for 3 months. I went into Ryan's room on Monday and asked L if she could text me once a day while I'm away to let me know how Ryan is doing. Apparently that set her off and a flurry of calls/texts between her and J went down that night. And L gave her notice that she was quitting!!! J told me the next day. I panicked. J then convinced her to take a 2 month leave of absence (she is having surgery in Feb anyway and would be off). The agency have used to 2 remaining girls to cover all the shifts (12 hours a day) but that leaves them overworked. They agreed to get right on hiring new backup staff as soon as the holidays are over. I am feeling very unsettled. Yesterday morning I went into Ryan's room to give J a thank you card for something nice she had done for me and to give her 2 English snapping crackers for her and Ryan for New Year's Eve. She started to talk to me again about the situation. (She also had been told NOT to talk to me about it or upset me) She started a list of her grievances with me. It ranged from being asked to pick something up at Walmart on Christmas Eve (when she was there with Ryan - we live more than a half hour away and she always offers to pick up anything I need), to telling me it's not her responsibility to get the snow tires on the van (which it probably isn't but the girls always offer to do that so they don't miss a day of being able to go out in the van to go other places). She said "I am not your slave!". There was a lot said. And I started to cry. Josh walked in and caught the second half of her rant (which really should have been directed at the agency or at herself for always offering to do extras). She told me if the agency knew she was talking to me - she would be fired. I ended up leaving the room - I wanted to vomit. After comforting me - I asked Josh to go back in to see if she was alright. Obviously she was having a breakdown. She went on and on. He talked her down a bit but then his sister phoned so I went in to give him the phone and she talked to me again. She hugged me. Said she was sorry. Never meant any of those things (there was much more she had said that was very very hurtful). Said she liked me as a person - I could even be a best friend if she didn't work for me. She cried. I cried. She thanked me for coming back in. But she still wasn't going to text me how Ryan is while I'm away (I don't get that). She went on and on about how the other worker (fairly new) was assigned 110 hours during the next 2 weeks to which I replied. "Not your problem" but at the same time told me she would not come in early or stay late even though my babysitter for while Ashley is away needs a bit more time so she can get to and from her other job. So - here I sit. I have not slept. I am hurt, angry and scared. We live in a rural area so I can't lose my workers. But there is underlying crap going on that no one would talk about and it has festered and now it is all a mess. I just want to bang their heads together. Oh - get this - all this went on right in front of RYAN!!!! I'm sorry this is so long. I need to get it out. If I call the agency (its a holiday of course) - they will fire J for causing me this SH!T. But in my heart of hearts - that is not what I want. Both J and L are awesome with Ryan and I don't want to lose them. Josh thinks I might want to consider leaving later for Florida but this is Ashley's only vacation this year and she has booked 10 days off. I can't do that to her and I really need to get out of here. Does anyone have any advice to help me out here? Neither J or L will be working here for the next few days until I head to the airport on Sunday. Just the new "overworked" worker.
Awww. Barb....sorry this came up now. I've experienced the same kind of nonsense between female employees in my office. Sometimes it seems like, the nicer an employer you are, the more of this b.s. goes on.
But as for your immediate problem: do you have a friend who can come and check in on everything once a day? Or do you know a young person you could pay to "house sit" during that time? I know Josh will be around, but it would take some of the burden off of him and give you an extra pair of eyes.
All I can say is wow! J really knows how to stir up a pot. I am thinking she just wants to make herself look good or better than L and now that L will be gone for a while, she doesn't have to be better than anyone.
I would speak directly with J, let her know that you were concerned about her and that you value her as a worker for Ryan. I would ask the agency that they have the worker text you updates on Ryan, maybe they feel this is a grey area since they aren't supposed to be using cell phones while working?
Maybe don't take them up on offers to do extras as now it seems like resentment from L anyway. Once in a while seems to be ok. Hopefully I haven't gotten all the initials jumbled up and that makes sense. Go through the agency as much as possible and that should keeps things running a tad smoother.
It will all work out. Big hugs. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Ellie & Kat, For listening & your valuable input. I know that J is posturing - she has always done this yet she would do anything! Seriously! When I was moving into the cottages lightly the first day - she called her boyfriend & his kids and they came over with 2 trucks & moved everything for me. I thanked them by letting them stay in a cottage for the weekend with the kids. So I do reward things that are above & beyond.
But yesterday she was venting about ev rethink - right down to how much recycle we had in the bin (it's Christmas - everyone has a ton of recycle). It forced Ryan's bins out & they got some snow in them, well - go figure - snow happens here. She could have moved them to the garage.
We had a death in the family and funeral the week before Christmas. My flight home was cancelled. I asked them to pick up chocolate bars while they were at Walmart on Christmas Eve with Ryan in my van. She freaked out saying I asked her to buy all my stocking stuffers. That was the only request!
I'm contacting former workers to checking on their availability. I don't have a friend here that I could really ask since we haven't lived here that long but Ash will be here in 2 weeks & Josh on the weekends. Hopefully they will manage.
And you're right - I'm letting the agency know I want a daily report on Ryan. I bought a cel ohone for them to carry for him to stay in touch with me & that's whati need from them. I asked the 3 rd worker today about texting me & she was happy to do so. Totally gets it. Ryan was laughing & happy today so that's most important.
Barb, I'm so sorry to read what's happened w/the workers that are there to assist w/Ryan. You are the customer/employer who is paying for Ryan's care. In the future, when asked if you need something when they go out, politely tell them no. You've got to get back to the basics of them carrying for Ryan only. Apparently, because L wasn't around, possibly the real J came out. She's got a lot of resent bubbling under the skin and only plays nice and goes the extra mile when L is around (at least that's what I'm getting from your posting).
Also, I know you want to treat them kindly, but you can't be friends w/them. You have to draw the line in the sand and set your boundaries w/them. Quite frankly, J and L both have overstepped themselves and taken advantage of your good nature. This is what happens sometimes when workers become very comfortable in their positions, i.e., knowing you need them and will do just about anything to keep them happy.
Barb, time to set those boundaries and let both young ladies know who is the boss and who is paying their salaries in your home.
I'm sorry, I think it's just horrid and disrespectful both of them have been to you. They do not realize how good they have had it w/you as an employer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I appreciate being reminded tht I am good to them. I really am. In fact - j also told me yesterday that I gave her the nicest Christmas gift in her life. Yet - she viciously slapped me in the face with her horrible comments. I've been an employer my entire adult life & have tried very hard to draw the line in the sand. Yet there are those who regularly want to cross it. The nice thing about the job with Ryan is the guaranteed hours. Most agency workers only make short visits & spend half their day driving from client to client. Here they get a lot of perks.
I really just can't believe what happened. It was crazy. Some days I really don't like people!
Barb, I've known you for quite some time and you are a good employer and they've crossed the line. Maybe it's time to reduce some of the perks that you've allowed them to have for a while.
I really do not like the way J spoke to you. That was very disrespectful and if she's done it once, she may very well do it again if you don't sit her down, talk to her and let her know who is boss.
You need to have peace of mind when you are away and yes, someone should call you with updates. After all, you are paying them to do a job and they are doing it w/o supervision while you are away.
Barb, sit her down and have a talk w/her. Something is going on w/her and you need to nip this in the bud now so that you can go off on vacation and not have to worry about her spewing resentment once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi. I don't Know much about your story.. Only from what I am reading on this thread. I think you are in the US? I'm not completely sure how health care or caregivers work there so my opinion is based from a Canadian healthcare perspective.
I'm guessing you hire private caregivers for your son? First off.. If these girls are specially trained health care givers, never take on the role of customer/employer with them. That is a pet peeve of many nurses when patients tell us they are our customers so we have to do as they say.
The gist of what I'm hearing is that you have had an ongoing relationship with these girls since you entrust them with the care of your son. The little things like picking up stuff was never expected but you were thankful for because you assumed they were doing it to be kind.. And you reciprocated by doing nice things for them. Generally.. That is how friendships and general courtesies work.
My concern comes when you describe j's behaviour. And especially when she goes on to say you could be a best friend. Because it all sounds very manipulative and crosses the line of professionalism. She knows the boundaries (like not bringing these things up) and yet she does it anyway.
It seems like they are good to your son and of course you don't want to lose that (because employing caregivers that you trust and feel safe with is not easy!) so I would suggest that you use a very soft, kind approach and start setting some boundaries. If they offer to do things beyond what they should be doing, kindly decline. That way you can maintain a professional relationship and lay out your expectations (like getting daily txt updates about your son). And they can never use it against you, or your son!
I have seen many good working relationships from caregivers.. And unfortunately I have also seen bad ones.
As for the situation with L and the hot tub incident... Was she working at the time? Or was it her time off? I understand that you were concerned but, was that within your right? If it is her off time, she really has the right to do whatever she wants (even if you don't like it). As long as her personal life doesn't interfere with her professional life.. (It does sound like some things were questionable). J sounds like she is an instigator. Try not to play into her and she will most likely get bored and find another outlet for drama.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
That's sound advice. I actually live in Canada too. I've had caregivers for Tyan for at least 25 years. As you say - some good, some bad. The hot tub incident was not when she was working so it was definitely on her time. But she was sharing a room with J and keeping her awake. She was too tired to work as well as she should have the next day plus she kept J awake. Truthfully - it was disrespectful to all as we shared a condo. But I know I can't control what she does in her off time. So out of character though. I'm seriously really upset about J. To go this long & let on like all was peachy then throw everything in my face this way is unforgettable yet - as you say - finding good staff is extremely difficult especially in our rural area. I'm going to express some concern to the agency especially regarding texting more regarding his day. Any mom would want that when she is on vacation. I will most definitely not have them do anything beyond their normal duties. I just wish the agency had been clear about what was acceptable & what was not when we signed on with them.
