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okjpc Offline OP
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Thanks, guys.

MCS and Pink, my heart goes out to you. From what I can tell about your sitchs, you've both had lots of reason for optimism, then there are huge setbacks. My sitch has been hard, but the ups and downs of yours must be really tough.

I don't know if it's just the mentality I've had reading this forum, but a couple of weeks ago I read a lot of hopeful posts. Today there seem to be so many about giving up and moving on. Maybe it's post-holiday blues. It's just so sad that we are all going through our version of this. F*ing heartbreaking.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
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Hi Okjpc,

It's all very hard and is getting uglier. My H is all about the D now. Wants to get moving.

For the first time in his life he wants account info, asked me for the financial info I made other day. Gave him a copy today.

It feels so much the end for us. I am basically like you now. I am seeing my hope shrinking day by day.

My H seems very determined and very sure of what he is doing. I think his A is going well (mind reading).

Sometimes I even ask myself why it hurts. I can almost get to the conclusion that my "Ego" hurts more then my love for him. It's getting very difficult to find that love inside me, with all the other feelings mixed up, I feel it's more like the broken pieces then the feelings itself.

It's very hard to explain. I feel good by myself and feel bad he is not in the picture. Maybe this is the beginning of the whole detaching aspect. You start letting go, but at first it feels you giving up.

I also feel a little mixed up about my emotional, romantic life. My every day life is quite good, keep doing stuff and feels good this much freedom. But, my emotional feels weird, like it is not right to even think about another man in my life. I guess I need time, and a lot of it.

Hope you find some peace, it's good that you have some things going in your life to look for. Maybe the change will bring you better people into your life. Who Knows, we just need to lift our lives to God and wait on him, on his work.

I was at my church yesterday meeting some folks that are in the process to travel to other countries to do missionary work.

They have four options, Hungary, Kenya, Equador and Brazil. I was born and raised in Brazil, so I could help a lot with the language, english class, etc. I also speak fluent spanish. I don't know yet, just got all info and will think about. I am really thinking it would be great to help others right now, it will boost my spirit.

Keep strong, keep the faith. Time heals and we will smile again one day.

Hugs,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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okjpc Offline OP
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I had (text message) communication with my W today after more than 2 months. I had my last session with DB coach on Friday and we talked about crafting a message to her to let her know about my new job out of state. I sent it today and really didn't expect a response, but she wrote back.

Here is the entire conversation in case anyone has feedback/critique/etc:
ME: [W name], I've taken a job w/[company] in [state] starting June 1. It's an opportunity I'm looking forward to. We have some things to discuss, e.g. 2014 taxes, etc. Is there a good time to talk?

WAW: Best to file married separate for 2014.
what else do we need to discuss?
What do we need to do for everything else?

ME:Kids' 529 plans; health and dental insurance. Did you file for divorce?

WAW: You can terminate the 529 plans. I have not filed for divorce. You can file for divorce. We can terminate the health and dental plans when we are divorced. You will need to call bank to get my name off your car loan.

ME: I can't file for divorce. It's not what I wanted.
Do you want me to put the 529 plans in your name?
I'm trying to get a loan in my name, but my credit score is messed up rt now. I'll keep working on it.

WAW: I have no money to pay for our divorce.
I don't want you to put the 529 plans in my name bc I can't pay for them. I want you to just cancel them.

ME: I don't have money right now either. But mainly my conscience and heart won't allow it - I never did and still don't want to be divorced from you.


That was 3 hours ago. I could have done better obviously. But I was totally caught off guard.

Will write more later...


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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okjpc Offline OP
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That text exchange may feel to her like I set her up. I really didn't mean to. My heart is still racing a bit a few hours later.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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MCS Offline
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Hey, this must have been one of the toughest things for you since all of this happened. I think you did fine. Text messages and email are such a bad way to communicate as there's so many intangibles that just aren't there compared to conversation, but you had no other options.

As hard as it is, try not to mind read. I'm having the same trouble of tiptoeing the edge of 'business' and 'relationship.' But hey, you let her know how you feel about the whole thing, that's not bad at all.


Thinking about you tonight. Take a deep breath, a short pause and get back to doing what you have been. You've been a trooper through all of this. Best wishes

Last edited by MCS; 01/20/15 01:21 AM.

M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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okjpc Offline OP
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Thanks, MCS, for the read and the feedback.

Only one response today from the WAW suggesting I take money out of my 401K to pay off the car loan or find another co-signer.

I guess I want her to own the D. She left. She may or may not have had good reason to, but she left and broke off all contact. It's not about the money (we don't have kids or assets in common - could be pretty cheap here). I want her to say, "Yes, I want a divorce." I haven't heard her say that yet.

Not sure when/if/how I should respond. I can't afford any more DB coaching sessions right now, so I would love some free advice here on the forum.


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
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okjpc Offline OP
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Text this morning from WAW: 'Did you get my last text?'

I waited a couple of hours then responded: 'About loan and 401k?'

WAW: 'Your conscience should not allow you to leave me with your debt. Also, you need to file for divorce as soon as possible.'

ME: 'I won't leave you with my debt. I'll get it worked out. I don't want to file. The separation was your desire.'


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
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Atta boy! Let her own her own $hit. And you DETACH, for your own health and sanity...

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okjpc Offline OP
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Thank you, Vapo. I needed the encouragement!


Me: 39 W: 46
D: 7.5 S: 5
SD: 16 SS: 12
T: 2 (06/2012)
M: 2 (12/2012)
Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 545
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MCS Offline
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Originally Posted By: okjpc

WAW: 'Your conscience should not allow you to leave me with your debt. Also, you need to file for divorce as soon as possible.'


Really?!? Your conscience....wow.

You treated it the right way. I used to mess this up and would react to her when she would say something ridiculous like this..

Good job, keep it going


M:36 W:37
T: 15 M:11
S6 D5
BD: 8/10/14
IDLY: 8/12/14
S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids)
D Mentioned: 10/15/14
Confronted about OM: 10/15/14
EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13
She filed: 8/15 (not final)
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