WAW Won't Communicate (2) - new year, new thread

[okjpc]

link to last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...608#Post2521608

Happy New Year's everyone. A friend of mine shared this poem with me today. Not a hopeful one, but beautiful.

A Blessing for the Breakup of a Relationship
by John O'Donohue

Now you endeavor
To gather yourself
And withdraw in slow
Animal woundedness
From love turned sour and ungentle.

When we love, the depth in us
Trusts itself forward until
The empty space between
Becomes gradually woven
Into an embrace where longing
Can close its weary eyes.

Love can seldom end clean;
For all the tissue is torn
And each lover turned stranger
Is dropped into a ruin of distance
Where emptiness is young and fierce.

Time becomes strange and slipshod;
It mixes memories that felt
The kiss of the eternal
With the blistering hurt of now.

Unknown to themselves,
Certain small things
Touch nerve-lines to the heart
And bring back with color and force
All that is utterly lost.

This is the time to be slow,
Lie low to the wall
Until the bitter weather passes.

Try, as best you can, not to let
The wire brush of doubt
Scrape from your heart
All sense of yourself
And your hesitant light.

If you remain generous,
Time will come good;
And you will find your feet
Again on pastures of promise,
Where the air will be kind
And blushed with beginning.

[okjpc]

Still no contact w/my WAW since Nov. 3. Haven't seen or spoken to her in person since Oct. 3. I've had a lot of emotional ups and downs since then and the DB forum, the books and coaching have helped a great deal. Still working on GAL activities.

The number one thing that has helped is to take risks and open up to friends (about my sitch) and new people (for friendship and connection). A good friend of mine lost his W three years ago to a shockingly brief illness - he called me today. We hadn't spoken since my W first moved out. It was so helpful to talk about grief, the challenges of emoting and dealing with pain in healthy and productive ways. Before the S, I was pretty guarded. Now I'm finding that the more I open up to people, the more normal I feel.

I don't know if I can really gauge my success at detaching. The past couple of days it feels more like an acceptance that the R is over. But I am feeling like there will a life, a good life on the back end of this process.

I have a job interview with my company in a neighboring state (my home state) on Tuesday. If I get the job that will force some big decisions, but I'm looking forward to having more opportunities.

[jp787]

Okjpc,

I wont say don't be embarrased, as that is a feeling and they are real.

I will say this is a safe place to be open, honest and to get some great insight.

[SemperFi00]

Ok, just caught up on situation briefly. Sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected under very trying circumstances.

Don't worry too much about the highs and lows - it is so normal!

Also, like the poem at the beginning of this thread.

Doing the DB program is helping me feel like I'm at least doing everything I can do for the M. Then I can give it all to God. Sort of like if it's God's will that my W and I can come together and save the M, then I'm all in. If it isn't God's will, then I can rest more easily b/c I am not sabotaging anything and I remain willing to do God's will. It's a comfort I feel at least on occasion throughout the day.

Great comments that I copied over from your previous link as a reminder (primarily for myself).

Thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong!

[Pink17]

Hi Okjpc,

It is indeed a very hard time and Limbo is not a very comfortable place to find yourself.

In my situation, my H is always contacting me by text or calling me, we always have a lot of contact. But, he is still moving towards the D. The pain is the same if not worse.

This time will be good for you to think about what you intend to do next.

Hang in there...

Pink

[jp787]

Hi Okjpc

How are you?

It's Friday :-)

[Pink17]

Hi Okjpc,

How are you doing? Did you get the new job? Did you move?
Is your sitch still the same?

Try us again, let us know how are you...

Hugs,
Pink

[okjpc]

Hey there. I stepped away from the forum for a week or so. Reading everyone's sitchs and advice has been extremely helpful to me, but i needed to look squarely at my own for a few days.

I interviewed for the job and it was offered to me. I gave them a slight counter-offer and they are going to get back to me Monday or Tuesday. My kids and I have been staying at a friend's cabin in the woods for the weekend (there's wifi here) to talk about moving v. staying. They're ambivalent.

The new job wouldn't start until the end of May, so they could get through the school year here and have a few months to wrap their minds around it. Also, the foreclosure process on my house should be complete by then.

I've been praying and reflecting a lot about it and I think I'm going to take the job.

Last week, when I went to the other city for the interview, I had dinner with an aunt, uncle and cousins who live near there and had a nice time with them. Then I met up with a friend. Part of this job would entail lobbying/govt. relations for the non-profit I work for. He just got elected to the state House and said he would help me get on my feet in that role. Then I met up with a woman I met on a dating website. I reached out to her, told her I was contemplating a move there and asked her if she'd be interested in meeting. We had a lovely two hour conversation and both left feeling like we had made a new friend.

I guess I've embraced the realization that I need to make decisions for my life (and my kids') regardless of my WAW's actions. And I've mostly accepted that she is gone for good. I have shed a few tears this weekend after not feeling sad for a few weeks and I attribute that to the fact that I am making this decision to move away for good and moving on from her and the family we had together.

We'll be getting home sometime this evening and in time to go to church tonight. I'm feeling pretty good and will get back in the swing of things with this forum.

Thank you all for your help and concern.

[MCS]

Okjpc,

Such a tough sitch that you're in. I thought the limited contact with my W is challenging, I can't imagine going through absolutely NC. I do think w/o kids I would be in the same boat as you.

It looks like you are focused on yourself and kids, which is exactly what we all need to do here. From the outside, it looks like your making the best decisions for you and you family. That's commendable amidst all the pain you must be feeling. Keep going and good luck in the job offer.

[Pink17]

Hi Okjpc,

It's tough to get to this kind of realization. I myself got to this point now. After so much contact I am realizing that my H just want a smooth D. Even asked me to sign giving up the Maintenance fee what his mine by right in CO, and since we were M for 18 years, that will be at least nine years paying alimony.

Well, it's was not my choice, he decided all this for me and is making the kids and I go through it without even trying. So be it. The only thing is that with all this our M probably has not chance.

I also have been closer to God, it's the only way for me to survive all the pain that is locked inside. I have good and bad days. Last time I talk to my H I asked him to back off, give me the space to grieve, forget him, taking him from my like, heart and mind. He did respect it this weekend. Lets see were it goes from now.

I am moving forward anyway. I do not want to have dates or even think about another man at this moment. I need this time for myself and I feel I need to recover from all this.

The new job sounds like something can help you too. New place, new job, new people around. Even some family. It will make the transition a little easier.

I am truly sorry you are going through this. Who knows, time goes by and we do not know what God wants from us. Where he is taking us right now.

Take care and be happy with your children.

Hugs,
Pink