Maybell XXVI

[Sotto]

The idea of a gratitude jar is a nice one for with the kids (or on your own?) I went shopping with a friend of mine and she was looking for a big jar to use as a memory jar with her S7 this year. He is going to write the dates and the memory on little postits, put them in the jar and they'll look at them Xmas next year.....lovely!

[labug]

When S8 was about to be born I was tested for Group B Strep and found positive. I had been negative for D11. I was telling H about it because I had to take a round of antibiotics. He got a funny look on his face and said "Is that an STD?" I said, "I don't know. Why?" And he said "Never mind." And I let it go because I was nine months pregnant, unemployed, with a toddler.

I feel so stupid.

Why do you feel stupid? More depth please. How would he know, you didn't. I'm confused.

[KGirl]

^ Maybell, I believe you said you feel stupid because you interpreted H's reaction as him thinking "oh, maybe she has an STD, and it's possible for her to get one because of what I've done" - basically that he was cheating - right? And that you should have seen that as a red flag.

Labug's response is another way to look at that. I don't know that I would assume he cheated in the past, either, from what he said (although it's easy to jump to that now in hindsight). He might have heard "B" and then jumped to something else (Hepatitis B?) and been genuinely confused about where such a thing would have come from... nothing more to it.

[Maybell]

I do think now he might have been cheating. I don't think that was an idle question. The only reason to ask if it was an std is if he thought id gotten it that way, since I had been negative with D11. Between the two of us he's the one with the opportunity to stray. I certainly never went anywhere but church, book club, and yoga.

There were several times in our marriage when he would do something new in bed and I wondered where that came from -- especially in the last five years.

He traveled a LOT. And I strongly feel (in retrospect) that there was at least some boundary crossing before the OW I know about, if not actual sex happening.

He set up the Tinder account at the time he told me specifically he wasn't going to date. He violated every agreement we made when I agreed to the separation (and he wrote the separation agreement himself). He can't be trusted.

[melissag]

I don't think that I have posted to you before . . . sorry for just canonballing right in! I remember seeing your name here not too long after I left to take some time away from the boards. Back then, seeing all these new names and sitches just felt depressing and I didn't feel like I could offer too much in the way of help because I was still struggling myself. Now that I am divorced, done, and feel that I have come out the other side happier, I hope I can help others because lord knows I needed all the help I could get for a while.

I don't think about my M and my XH the way I used to (obsessively), but from time to time, something does pop into my head, and I think how dumb I was to have ignored those red flags. I think it's good to acknowledge that, but it doesn't help to feel stupid or be angry with yourself. Better to use that realization to make better choices in the future.

[paul19510]

I agree with M^^^^

[Maybell]

So H wants to talk about "where things are and where they are going" and he is demonstrating some urgency about this. I have a pretty good idea of what I want but I'm not sure how prepared I'll be without seeing the lawyer. Should I try to push it off or should I take what I know and go to meet him as I am?

[Elsa]

Can you meet him with the intention of listening to him, but not revealing too much about your own position? That would give you more time to meet with the lawyer -- and that time may be spent more productively if you've already had the conversation with your H.

I admire your patience and restraint. If it were me, I couldn't resist the temptation to hear what my H is thinking (for better or for worse).

[Maybell]

Elsa, I don't think this is patience & restraint. I expect this is his opening bid for the ending the marriage. I want to make sure I'm well-armed before he lobs that out there. I have a history of folding for him. I do not intend to fold. I want to roar.

Thank you for your suggestion. That's a good stopgap if I can't get in.

[KGirl]

I also like the idea of going in and just listening, and telling yourself you will not make any decisions or agree to anything at this point, and that's what you can relay to him if he asks you what you think or if you agree with xyz ("I'll need to think about what you've suggested and get back to you," for example). That way you can really focus on listening to what he is saying and remember it for later, rather than thinking about what you will say in return or how you will lob it back (which will result in less listening = less likely to remember what he said = more likely to misconstrue or assume later on).