Got some sleep and turned a corner. I can't wait to see him GONE. He's lied and cheated for long enough. He's not a good dad to my kids (according to D11, S6 swears regularly around H and H just laughs and says "Don't use that word.") Had to be TOLD to make a space for them at his house and hardly calls in between.
I have been happier, thinner, and better rested since he left... It just took me a while to realize it. Going to find a BULLDOG lawyer and move on. I don't need this.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Can someone please explain to me how it is that I'm looking forward to being single and in a more manageable environment, that most of my memories of him are negative and lonely, and yet I'm feeling weepy and upset? I WANT to let go. I DON'T want this marriage back. And yet there are huge lumps in my throat and chest, I haven't eaten, and I'm struggling to push him out of my mind? What is my body telling me that I won't hear.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXACTLY how I feel. Our D was final, XH ALREADY has a "new" gf (I suspect not quite as "new" as he claims), and I just feel all weepy and upset. I had FINALLY started sleeping well and then last night, it started again...waking around 2:00 and not being able to do anything but cry, shaking. I thought the D would at least bring closure, but not so much. Hang in there, Maybell...you are NOT alone.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Can someone please explain to me how it is that I'm looking forward to being single and in a more manageable environment, that most of my memories of him are negative and lonely, and yet I'm feeling weepy and upset? I WANT to let go. I DON'T want this marriage back. And yet there are huge lumps in my throat and chest, I haven't eaten, and I'm struggling to push him out of my mind? What is my body telling me that I won't hear.
I've been there, done that, so I have some thoughts on this. I think that, even once we realize that the marriage was no good, that we can be happier on our own, that our spouses are not good for us, there is still much left to grieve. The future we envisioned. The people we thought our WASs were. The family life we wanted. Whether it was delusional or not, we all envisioned a wonderful, loving marriage and a happy family, living happily ever after, right? And that has all been ripped out from under us. And yes, it probably is better this way than to stay married to that person, but it is NOT better than what we had imagined or expected. And it takes some time to grieve that.
I am way over my XH at this point. Yet I still get angry or upset at times. Like when I had to hand my children over to him for New Year's Eve. The first time I did not ring in the New Year with my kids since they were born. It hurts. And while I don't want anything to do with my XH and don't want to be with HIM, it is sometimes hard to be single. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't a single parent doing it all on my own, even though doing it all on my own is easier than it was when XH was here and everything was stressful and tense.
I think that a part of us will always grieve the loss of what we thought we had, or hoped we would have. But as time goes on, and you live your own lives and find your own happiness without your Xs, that part will get smaller and smaller. So, when you feel sad and weepy, lean into it. Feel it. Then let it go, appreciate what you do have in the here and now, and savor the anticipation of what might be around the corner for you.
Divorce is just a piece of paper. To me, it was a relief because our divorce was very contentious and difficult, so it was good to have it over with. But it did nothing for my emotional healing - that's something you just have to go through to get to the other side.
Hang in there, ladies. One day you will surprise yourselves with how things have turned around. ((hugs))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Mellissag it is so nice to see you here. And thank you for that message to Maybell. I need to hear it to. I hate having to admit that my marriage was never what I thought it was. I think because I do still love my H, but I keep thinking life without him will be better that it is with him especailly now--but I still have a difficult time accepting that it never was what I wanted it to be. I keep trying to kid myself into believing with just the right formula we could have the fantasy. Now I think that maybe we both had very different fantasies and that's why it never quite worked.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Melissa!!! Great to hear from you. Happy 2015. I just expressed this EXACT feeling to my older Brother. I didn't understand it....I sat with it for a while and its getting better. Our X's and the loss of our M's become part of us...so there are times when it just "hurts" or feels odd. Even with so much in my life to be thankful for...it still hurts sometimes. I don't. Want STBXW back. My M was not good. My current witch is way better....still there is pain with this.
My STBXW and I actually spoke about that...I told her this "thing" has left a mark on me and despite being in a really good place now...the mark is still there. She agreed....there were some tears and apologies...but nothing will change.
Make your life and your kids' life really great. You earned this good stuff.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I agree with most what has been said and think this stuff will always evoke memories and sadness. Even those who have reconciled would probably still have some sadness if they thought about it in certain ways.
I think the other thing is that when you truly let go (or each time you let go a bit more) you need to remember that part has its own grief cycle, by not getting go to an extent you've been in denial and so now you have you need to work through the stages. Its natural and normal and healthy but still feels like [censored].
Personally I thinks that's why WAS do what they do, take a band aid approach, just rip it off then anesthetise the pain somehow.
As your signature says - all will be well
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Thank you all so much for the wisdom and support. I know I sounded harsh this morning... I think to a certain extent I try on some of these attitudes to see how they feel. I do feel relief at the idea of divorce. I have family members who have remarried one another years later, so it doesn't scare me as much as the idea of two more years of limbo possibly ending in divorce. But I don't believe he has ever been truly committed to me and I don't see that changing. So I'd like to have at least a chance at the life I have imagined for myself.
Last edited by Maybell; 01/02/1510:28 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
