I have two kids, 6 and 8 years old. My husband and I live separately now since he insisted divorce. He has other woman. Our kids stay with one parent every other week. The thing is when the kids stay with my husband, I tried to call the kids and talk to them but my husband never answered the phone , so the kids never had chance to talk to me. Now they are traveling to other city for one week, my husband refused to tell me where he takes the kids, and didn't answer my phone either. I texted him that I'd like to talk to the kids, he didn't answer.
I feel really sad, and don't understand The reason. What should I do? Do I have the right to talk to my kids and know where they are while they are with my husband?
Your inputs are really appreciated. Thank you
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
I am honestly torn with this, as I do the same thing as your H. I am very selective when I will pick up an incoming phone call from W. I struggle with how important it is to my daughter, who should be the focus.
We have a 50/50 split as well, week on week off. W phones, almost every single day to speak with D. I feel it pulls away from MY time with my daughter. Wife's calls usually land during dinner, play time, or even events we go to. It is never a time that we are sitting around thinking, "hey, there is nothing for us to do but twiddle our thumbs and hope for a phone call". We are busy people. I often reverse the role and ask daughter if she would like to phone her mom. Rarely does she choose to make a call to her mom, not that she doesn't love her very deeply, but more because she is 8 years old. She wants to play and be active, not have phone conversations. The way I see it is, WIFE chose to divorce and become a part time parent, where as I want ever second of my child's time that I am able to share with her. I feel that Wife phones to shed her own guilt, rather than it being a positive interaction for daughter. Granted your sitch and mine are a little different, as you and I are both the ones left behind for another persons choices, but perhaps your H has similar feelings to mine?
I'd get a lawyer involved right now. I don't care who left who and how hurt anyone is. Kids deserve to have access to their parents as much as possible.
My oldest daughter played high school volleyball with a girl who actually had 2 cell phones and 2 cars, one given to her by each parent. Her parents hated each other so much that they refused to attend matches if the other one was going to be there. (BTW, her dad was one of the biggest dicks I've ever met.) I thought it was nuts. But no matter how I felt about it, this girl HATED it. She hated completely compartmentalizing her life because of her parents' issues. Her dad was even remarried! WTF? She used to tell my D20, "I wish my parents could just be in the same gym at the same time."
The dad started all of this with the notion that, "as long as you're on my payroll, you won't have anything to do with your mom for the things I provide you". Her mom had to respond because the dad enforced his stupid rule.
Your kids are way too young not to have access to both of you during the week. Oh, and BTW, the courts here in Colorado really frown on alternating weeks - for this very reason. They believe that children need to see both parents during the week. And I have to agree with them. Every person I know who does things this way winds up doing harm to the kids. They are innocent and should not be used as pawns in an adult, dysfunctional relationship.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Underdog, alternating weeks is becoming more and more prevalent in Washington state. Can you explain some of the damage that is done by splitting parenting time, like this?
I can't speak for your fine state or your family situation, but when my XH decided the weekly plan sounded ideal, our mediator put a document in front of him that changed his mind. This was 12 years ago, so please forgive me for being a little rusty at this.
The basic premise is that if there was no separation or divorce, kids would have access to both parents intermittently (or jointly) all week long. I remember something about some psychologist's long term study on kids who were young when their parents divorced and were studied over 10-20 years. The results were pretty convincing. They felt disconnected and similar to pawns in a game. They felt that the needs of the parents exceed their need to access both parents equally.
My two cousins were victims of this set up. One is now a cop who turns his emotions off completely (he's a bomb squad technician and uses his extensive travel requirement to avoid conflicts at home), and his sister is now caring for their dad with Alzheimers. Their mom died a few years ago. She's in a generally happy marriage - she also married a child of divorced parents with a bitter divorce. But her H also travels extensively (nuclear scientist) and she's got a lot of anger left over from her childhood. Both of her parents have said at different times that they wish they had made different choices. They had the most acrimonious divorce of anyone I knew, and were in fact my role models in what NOT to do when my own D came to fruition.
And as I said earlier, my D20's teammate said that she felt her life had to be compartmentalized to please her parents. She had 2 separate lives with each of them and it really hurt her. She's a sweet girl (well, now young lady), but I'm not surprised that she has not had positive dating experiences either. She's 23 now, and is one of those people who doesn't trust at all. And that includes her parents. While she loves them both, I think she's pretty angry at how she and her brother had to grow up.
My girls were 5 and 8 when their dad left and when he proposed we go to the weekly schedule. My then 8 year old told her dad that she wanted to see both of us during the week. In the end, he agreed. It turns out that he only proposed it because he thought it sounded great not to have to parent for 7 days in a row.
I'd say if you are going this route, make it easier for the kids to be able to be in touch with their mom while they are with you and to ask her to reciprocate - for THEM. I can promise you that my XH would sure as hell not wait 7 days if one of them started their period on his watch. Or if it was spring break and 3 doctors appointments were set up and it fell in his week.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
SP, I can't speak for your fine state or your family situation, but when my XH decided the weekly plan sounded ideal, our mediator put a document in front of him that changed his mind. This was 12 years ago, so please forgive me for being a little rusty at this.
I don't want to sidetrack, Peace's thread, so I won't get too involved in my own sitch. I will say that we have a 50/50 plan for every other week, with one after school visit day in the middle. We also felt it would be too long to go without physically seeing the other parent.
Originally Posted By: Underdog
The basic premise is that if there was no separation or divorce, kids would have access to both parents intermittently (or jointly) all week long. I remember something about some psychologist's long term study on kids who were young when their parents divorced and were studied over 10-20 years. The results were pretty convincing. They felt disconnected and similar to pawns in a game. They felt that the needs of the parents exceed their need to access both parents equally.
I couldn't agree more. I feel that divorce or separation is horrible for children. Of course they feel disconnected. Of course they feel like pawns. What I don't agree with is, how does ANY parenting plan change that? How can any schedule allow the children joint access to both parents? Regardless of the schedule, the children WILL be living separate lives in separate homes, and there WILL be many times that the parents are not (physically) accessible to them, whether they spend one day, three days or a week away. Swapping to a new home every few days is CHAOS on any person, and even more so on a child. With a weekly plan, What they give up with in time away from the other parent, is more than made up for in terms of stability and down time. They aren't in constant transition.
Which is more important, "hey I saw my dad yesterday, but I don't know where my homework is" or "I miss my Mom, but I know I have clean sheets on my bed and what is expected of me today"
Originally Posted By: Underdog
My two cousins were victims of this set up. One is now a cop who turns his emotions off completely (he's a bomb squad technician and uses his extensive travel requirement to avoid conflicts at home), and his sister is now caring for their dad with Alzheimers. Their mom died a few years ago. She's in a generally happy marriage - she also married a child of divorced parents with a bitter divorce. But her H also travels extensively (nuclear scientist) and she's got a lot of anger left over from her childhood. Both of her parents have said at different times that they wish they had made different choices. They had the most acrimonious divorce of anyone I knew, and were in fact my role models in what NOT to do when my own D came to fruition.
Be honest. Do you feel that the damage was caused by the parenting schedule, or more so the bitterness and ugliness that the divorce itself undoubtedly caused. I am envisioning parents that spoke poorly of each other, who didn't wish to actually co-parent, who used the children as negotiation tools, etc. I personally don't see things playing out much differently, if the parenting plan (time schedule) were altered. I am just not convinced. A harsh word about the other parent will cause MUCH more damage than spending an extra day before a child goes to Mom's or Dad's house.
Originally Posted By: Underdog
And as I said earlier, my D20's teammate said that she felt her life had to be compartmentalized to please her parents. She had 2 separate lives with each of them and it really hurt her. She's a sweet girl (well, now young lady), but I'm not surprised that she has not had positive dating experiences either. She's 23 now, and is one of those people who doesn't trust at all. And that includes her parents. While she loves them both, I think she's pretty angry at how she and her brother had to grow up.
How does ANY parenting plan allow the children to live unaffected lives with constant contact with both parents? I don't see how that can happen. What I do see in my situation, is that my child has a fair amount of time to "settle in" and adjust to the new home. She isn't in constant transition. She has a moment to take a breath and feel connected to her current situation. I feel that benefits her. It is so difficult for kids to constantly transition back and forth, forgetting backpacks, leaving friends, adjusting to house rules, etc. Regardless of the amount of time spent at each home, the children WILL be living separate lives in separate homes. They WILL be compartmentalized. That is a given. Allowing them more time in each home, I think will let them feel more at peace. It will allow them time to get in the groove and relax for a moment. It's like going on vacation overnight, or spending a week away. I don't know about you, but after a week in a Hotel room, I feel pretty "at home" in that Hotel room. On an overnight trip, I don't even unpack my bags!
Originally Posted By: Underdog
My girls were 5 and 8 when their dad left and when he proposed we go to the weekly schedule. My then 8 year old told her dad that she wanted to see both of us during the week. In the end, he agreed. It turns out that he only proposed it because he thought it sounded great not to have to parent for 7 days in a row.
Not sure what to say about this, other than if it works for your family, it is the right thing to do.
Originally Posted By: Underdog
I'd say if you are going this route, make it easier for the kids to be able to be in touch with their mom while they are with you and to ask her to reciprocate - for THEM. I can promise you that my XH would sure as hell not wait 7 days if one of them started their period on his watch. Or if it was spring break and 3 doctors appointments were set up and it fell in his week.
You nailed it! The only thing that will allow children a level of connection and normalcy, is the actual co-parenting. Keeping similar homes with similar rules for example, Maintaining similar bedtimes, levels of discipline, schedules, and of course, allowing the children access to each parent WHENEVER they wish. My daughter is welcome to (and she knows she can), phone or see her mother whenever DAUGHTER wishes. Being a parent who speaks highly of their ex-spouse, who shows interest in their child's life and makes an active effort to Co-parent as best as possible, is what positively shapes children from divorced families. Spending 3 or 4 days, as opposed to 7 days is a moot point.
I don't think kids understand the importance of maintaining a relationship even with a simple phone call. I call my kids every day when I'm not with them (and that is only every other weekend) just to say goodnight and see how their day was.
I think it's different if they're older and they don't want to make that call or take that call but, while they are little, I believe it's the parents responsibility to pick up the phone to initiate contact.
Yes divorce and separation [censored]. And in my situation H was the WAS. But I have never denied him access to the kids. I keep him up to speed with the kids activities and school events. If he wants to call or see them.. No problem. I mean, I don't bend over backwards and change my plans to accommodate his.. But if he wants to call and we are in the middle of something.. I will just suggest he call a little later. In the beginning it was much harder to do because I was hurt and thought things like.. It was his choice to leave.. But in the end, I know it was important to let all that go for my kids. So that they knew they never had to choose.. That if they needed one or the other parent, it wouldn't matter which day of the week it was or who they were with, they would always be the priority.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
SP--This will be really quick as I'm leaving shortly to take my D20 to the airport to head back to school.
Yes, all the folks I mentioned were mired in bitterness. I totally get your point about minimizing transition. I have a special needs kid who doesn't do very well with transition. I just don't know any families personally that weren't bitter in the week on/week off schedule.
I also agree that there is compartmentalization when kids are shuffled to two households. But I think it's our role as parents to make sure that it's minimized as much as possible. Even if it's painful for us.
Since you mentioned being guilty of not answering their mom's calls when you have them, I'm detecting some bitterness here. Is that possibly true? Why wouldn't you guys agree to let them be contacted by each other to minimalize this type of compartmentalization? There's no harm in talking to a parent when the desire is there from either side.
In the beginning, it wasn't easy for me either. But my #1 goal through all of this was to work on becoming better, not bitter. At first, he would still stick to "the rules" and not give me an inch. I decided to give him feet even when he didn't expect me to do it. Gradually, I think he realized that the girls thought he was being a jerk. It didn't take long for us to communicate more clearly and parent together much better.
Barely Floating definitely made valid points. Peace's kids are too little; in addition, they are still legally married and the courts aren't there to ensure that both parents have parenting time. There needs to be some defining document that states what is happening and what the parent rights are. He's making arbitrary decisions that I think seem harmful to everyone involved. I don't want to mind read here, but from what I read, I'll eat my shorts if he isn't manipulating the people around him by this kind of alienation.
And BTW, I do agree that consistency and not bad mouthing the other parent is paramount to a good parenting R. Absolutely.
Okay, Peace, since we hijacked your thread... and the title of this thread is the relevant issue here: your right to talk to your children/their right to talk to you. What have you done to change this situation?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
