Claire's dozen (#12)

[claire7]

Was starting to feel sorry for myself again about new year's, so I did some digging to remember the last few years:

--came straight home from honeymoon to friends party. Literally straight from airport (and I should mention that I came down with terrible food poisoning on our last day so I couldn't even eat or drink anything and was exhausted!

--was in Europe on a terrific vacation. Quiet but delicious dinner.

-- celebrating a friend's wedding

--home with a newborn baby

-- overnight with D and H at a friend's house. Most grownups were asleep before midnight.

--H made a special dinner for us at home; I made a special dessert. We had gone to a fun concert the night before.

This past year, i was newly separated and out with girlfriends.

So... I've had a pretty good run and there is nothing to be sad about. I'm taking D to see a show during the day. If I end up eating pizza, watching a few episodes of mad men (just started the series!) and get a good night's sleep I can be ok with that.

Next year maybe I will take a fun vacation. Maybe with a new boyfriend... that's a long time away...

I've also decided to not be so sad over the friendships I've lost. Some people are only in your life for a shot time. That's ok. Friendships don't have to be forever.

[Maybell]

that's the Claire I like to hear!

[claire7]

Haven't posted in a while... Just don't think there is much to say.

I'm generally much more at peace because I do feel like I have let go (maybe not 100%... but at least 80%!)

I find myself grieving a bit still, but less and less. Mostly my grief is about missing out on time and experiences with my D. That will never go away. And I need to eventually figure out how to make sure that she doesn't feel like I've abandoned her. Every time I tell her I'm not going with her to Grandma's house, or that I'm not going to see her for a couple of days (and I do it with a smile, because I don't want her to feel bad leaving)... does that make her think I'm happy to leave her?!?

I got a referral to a child psychologist... this is my number one concern at this point. I am also very concerned about how to answer the question "Why?" if my daughter ever raises it. Do I say, "Daddy and I weren't getting along?" While true, I do not want to teach her that's what you do when you "don't get along" with your spouse.

These are big questions that I'll be working on for years, I suppose.

I am not perfect--I never will be. But I am definitely someone only a fool would leave. I have NO regrets about my behavior. I can go to sleep at night knowing that I did absolutely everything I possible could. It just wasn't up to me.

The support from this community has been so amazing-- life-changing, really. I will always be so grateful and will spread the word of how important and valuable this process is to anyone I can. Thank you all.

[gan]

Claire, I haven't dropped by your thread in a while. It's so nice to read that you are in a good place right now. Good for you!

What you say about this place is so true. I've already referred someone here (my sisters friend who I never met) when I found out her M was breaking down. Separation can be so isolating so it's nice to be able to retreat here and know we are not alone. There is peace in knowing that.

Happy New Year. May 2015 be a rewarding year for all of us!

[Maybell]

Claire, I hear you. Don't know how to answer, but I hear you.

[claire7]

Just read that Giada DeLaurentiis and her H of 11 years (though they've been together since college) are getting divorced. One D, 6 years old.

Is it strange that that makes me really sad?

[claire7]

A random question popped into my head. I was reading about HP's situation with paying for the rental car...

My H has been using joint funds to pay for his new residence since he moved out over a year ago. Would I be entitled to half of that back when we finalize the settlement?? It's a lot of money. I guess that is a question for my L.

[Maybell]

My understanding is only if he's spending marital funds on an OW. But I'm not a lawyer.

[SunnyB]

My H has been using joint funds to pay for his new residence since he moved out over a year ago. Would I be entitled to half of that back when we finalize the settlement?? It's a lot of money. I guess that is a question for my L.

I have the same understanding as Maybell. My H is spending a small fortune on his apartment and it's hard not to resent that half of that is mine. I did have a L tell me that if he were wasting marital assets on the A, then that would come into play in the settlement. But not his own living expenses. Definitely something to talk to your L about.

[seaspin]

My H has been using joint funds to pay for his new residence since he moved out over a year ago. Would I be entitled to half of that back when we finalize the settlement??

My H has been doing the same thing. It's not fair.

I know it's different for every state, but I'll tell you what my lawyer said, just to get an idea. I wouldn't get any of it back. My lawyer told me that he can do anything with the $ before he files. Once he files, there's an injunction where spending is limited. It's at that point where we take inventory of our assets and split what we have at that point in time. If he's spending $ on his A, only what he spends after the D is filed could be recouped by me. Stinks!!

There is also the option of filing a legal document stating that H wants his share of the $ now and that would factor into the asset split at D. For me though, if I were filing this legal doc, H would say might as well file for D if we are filing something legal.