It ended on an interesting note about working through anger. It was fitting, then, that I went to PT today-- where some major pains in my butt (literally) were worked on!
Anyway... I called H to say goodnight to D. Before I hung up, he asked, "I know you have plans tomorrow, but if you have some time, I wanted to ask if you wanted to meet up with me and D for coffee. She's been asking about you. I mean, only if you are free (mumble mumble I couldn't even understand what he was saying, he sounded kind of nervous and awkward...)
I said yes. I want to see my D.
And, he did the same thing last weekend (invited me to come to her dance class, because *she* wanted me to come), but then she came down with a fever and didn't go anyway.
Is this a softening? I don't think so. I have NO expectations beyond spending a few great minutes with my awesome D.
I showed up looking put-together and happy. I was so happy to see D. She is so beautiful and was in a great mood. I mostly talked to D. It was a tiny bit awkward-- H literally had nothing to say to me. I asked him a few small-talk questions about himself, his friends, his plans. He did not ask me any questions at all. Not one. We did not have a real conversation.
That's ok. I was smiley and friendly the whole time.
After 30 minutes, D had finished her snack, and I got up to leave. H looked really, really sad-- almost on the verge of tears. D didn't want me to go. She was a bit upset (Mama, are you coming back to daddy's house with us?), but we left on good terms. I left smiling and upbeat, saying, "Have a good day!"
No expectations. I was thankful for the opportunity to spend an extra 30 minutes with my D. Last night was rough, but I got a good night's sleep for the first time in a while, and my PMA is back today!
I was doing really well for the last day or so until a few minutes ago.
Found out that a big group of H's friends and their kids are going away for New Year's. No idea if H is going too. He "generously offered" a while back to take D for New Year's this year (he had her last year, too, when they went away with this same group). "I thought you'd like to have New Year's free to go out." Right. He does that a lot- offers something and tries to 'sell' it (he is a salesman, after all), when really it's what he really wants in the first place. There is no altruism.
Anyway, I'm struggling tonight with a couple of things: 1) this group of friends has very clearly chosen him over me. (Maybe they invited him to go along-- he hasn't mentioned his plans, I haven't asked. When I asked a 'friend' tonight who was going, she didn't say H, but that doesn't mean anything.) I know they are in a tough spot. I get it. But the loss of those relationships, and travel partners (more on this in #2) is tough.
2) this group of friends has the means and the interest to travel quite a bit. And there are a bunch of girls near D's age, and they all get along really well. I feel like I am really grasping to find any travel partners whose schedules and budgets align with mine. I want to give my D a fun vacation, but I don't seem to have anyone to go with. And the idea of traveling just me and D seems too difficult and not enough fun for either of us.
I'm not close enough with anyone to be invited on their family vacations. I do not want to take a vacation with my family.
I'm feeling really low and lonely all of the sudden.
Claire, I traveled with my kids when they were little by myself frequently. I even took a two-week road trip to visit both sets of parents (mine and my in-laws) with a beach trip in between -- driving 600 miles each way, when my D was 3 and first son was five months and breast-feeding exclusively. It's not that hard.
1) accept that you are traveling at their pace and plan to do it in a way that makes it enjoyable for both of you. 2) little kids don't care that it's elaborate. They want your undivided time and attention. A trip is great for that because it pulls you out of your daily responsibilities. Which is also a great reason for it to just be the two of you. 3) accept that nothing on your trip will be perfect but the memories. She may eat goldfish and ketchup the whole time. It's ok. She can come home to eat lovingly prepared organic veggies. eating junk will be part of the adventure. 4) same with sleep. She's getting old enough you can be more flexible about naps. Let go of perfect.
A few weeks before my H moved out I took my kids down to see the cherry blossoms and some monuments. I remember it as a miserable day -- I was so sad knowing we were splitting up, it was incredibly crowded, I worried they'd think it was boring... But as we wrestled through Lincoln, looked at the scaffolding around Washington, and talked about the presidential homes nearby, things we all knew about history (and even my littlest knew a thing or two) and other places we'd like to visit, they thanked me for spending the day with them. And remembered the trip and talked about it at school six months later.
What makes a trip with your child fun? Is it the other adults around you? Or the two of you getting to know each other?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Wow, Maybell. That road trip you took with babies is really impressive!
Ok, logistically, I'm not sure how I would manage an airplane/car rental trip. Maybe when she is a bit older and doesn't need a giant car seat anymore, that is definitely do-able. But it is tricky to do single-handedly... It's possible, but tricky. I once saw a mom traveling with a baby in an ergo and a pre-schooler, with a giant guitar on her back as well! So, anything is possible, I suppose.
As for what makes a trip fun? Of course I love spending time with her-- but she also loves hanging out with other kids, and frankly it's nice to have some adult conversation once in a while, too...
Well, we took my D to Germany when she was 17 months (my one and only trip out of the country). I had a stroller that converted to a car seat and was FAA approved for air travel. I loaned it to so many different moms in my moms club that by the time I passed it on to the next family it had stickers from 6 other countries on it. Or you could get the Go-Go trolley thing that attaches to the suitcase for hauling the car seat. Or you could take a simple 2-3 day car trip. Or you could take a chance on someone who's not a sure yes and invite them to share the trip with you.
The point is to say yes to things you can do on your own and not make difficulties for yourself by waiting on invisible others to make them possible. It's not that tricky. You just have to decide that you can and you will, accept that there will be hard parts but they will be worth it. Then go do it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm actually messaging with a friend on the west coast right now-- her kids are older, but she's got a great community and is excited for us to come. I'll figure out the details, I'm sure of it. And I have that go-go trolley thing!
I also have friends within driving distance that we could visit, maybe over the summer.
I think I'm getting worked up because I'm finding myself trying to recreate the life that I had with H (the family and friend trips to resorts, etc). But I have to let go of that. And just because MY life with D may look different than her life with H (my parents will never ever go on a beach vacation, for ex), that doesn't mean I can't give her a great life, too.
Claire don't underestimate yourself. I have traveled solo with a 2 year old and an infant (my older two) and with all three of them, 7yo, 5yo, and newborn. And lots of age progressions in between and beyond. Both by airplane and by car (800 miles). It's not as hard as you think. You've got this girl! Plan that trip for this summer and have a really great time.
Holy cow. I can't imagine traveling alone with 3 kids. I really, really can't. Just loading up the car! Maybe it's hard to imagine b/c I live in the city-- no driveway and sometimes the car is a block away!
Would definitely need to call on my village, and the skycaps(!) for help on this one. And be ok with lots of junk food and movies...
eating junk will be part of the adventure.