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A Message from Michele
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Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: jim0987] #2529096
01/20/15 10:05 AM
01/20/15 10:05 AM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 58
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sonas Offline
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sonas  Offline
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Posts: 58
Hey GGG,
I miss you...........
I know I haven't posted in a while but I was reading everyday and have always kept up to date on your sitch - all your feelings and emotions seemed to mirror mine almost exactly but you express them so much better than I can. I have watched you become more and more detached just as I have done. You get great advice here and I have learned from it too.

I really hope you are ok........let us know

Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: sonas] #2531421
01/27/15 01:19 PM
01/27/15 01:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 58
S
sonas Offline
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sonas  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 58
GGG,
If you don't feel like posting about your sitch for now - that is understandable, I didn't for nearly six months but I kept reading and it helped............

Could do with your well expressed, funny comments on my sitch, need to lighten things a bit, might be a distraction from your own!
About to make an important trip, any advice / thoughts??

Or,
just pop out and let us know that you are ok...........

Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: sonas] #2531708
01/28/15 02:07 AM
01/28/15 02:07 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
Michigan
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LiveNow Offline
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LiveNow  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
Michigan
I second that. Hope you are doing ok Goat Gal!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: LiveNow] #2534509
02/05/15 02:01 AM
02/05/15 02:01 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline
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Maybell  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
GoatGal, y'ok?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: Maybell] #2534695
02/05/15 06:03 PM
02/05/15 06:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Texas
M
Matt165 Offline
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Matt165  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Texas
Ok, I'm really starting to worry about GGG(G)! If anyone hears from her PLEASE let us know! She's out there in the country taking care of all those animals; that can be dangerous!!

Last edited by Matt165; 02/05/15 06:04 PM.
Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: Matt165] #2535832
02/09/15 05:21 AM
02/09/15 05:21 AM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
GGG,

Where's my skinny dipping partner? I'm in the mood for another round of it. C'mon down and join me...willya?! wink There'll be s'mores and drinks waiting for us afterward.


slap

You men! What's wrong with your gutter minds@!@!@?

Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: Wonka] #2536559
02/10/15 09:35 PM
02/10/15 09:35 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
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GoatGal Offline OP
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GoatGal  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
Hey All,

I'm here, was traveling for awhile with not much access to internet, then found that I was thinking more clearly about my sitch with less input. So when I returned home, I found that trend continued...

I have thought of you all many times, but just couldn't face getting on here and reading, much less writing.

I have been working really hard on my detachment which means thinking as little as possible about my marriage and my husband, and much more on myself, my future, and all the things which are under my control.

I have been working on a variety of projects, mostly of the musical variety, and that is going extremely well. I am even considering remaining in this area no matter what happens with my marriage, because I realized the value of all the wonderful people I now have in my life. (And I love snow and winter, and they just don't have that down south.)

In the past, it's been too much time thinking about my sitch, about other peoples' sitches, when that time can be better put to use furthering my own goals.

Things with GUBU are at a standstill. Now a solid six months of him saying "We need to talk" about once a month, but he doesn't ever open a conversation. I just ignore...

He continues to come around, help out, and "be nice". However, there is still no remorse, no emotional connection; in fact, he has made it clear that any emotions from me other that "Life is GREAT and so are YOU!" are unwelcome.

For all his therapy, his emotional coping skills are zero. His empathy is zero. His humility is zero. At least from what I've seen, and there have been plenty of chances for him to demonstrate something, anything... and yet.

I am of use to him. I'm a great pet-sitter, animal-carer, house cleaner, grocery shopper, maintenance person, "buddy", project-pal, an attractive, kind person who can be trotted out on occasion to increase *his* value.

I suspect many people on his end don't even know we're separated since I've heard he still refers to me as "his wife" and the same people don't seem to know he's living in his friend's guest room.

I think he likes it like this. It's how he always wanted our marriage to be.
All of the benefits with none of the drawbacks. (Like having to uphold marriage vows, not have secrets, not have activities which are at odds with having a loving, committed relationship.) He can have a "wife" for all the reasons it's convenient, without having to do any of the emotional work or change anything about himself.

He continues to focus his energies on the things he finds important, and while he's "nice" to me, it's not like he ever really goes out of his way. Not if it means being vulnerable or really warm.

I'm frustrated with this and coming to the end of my ability to tolerate the continued compartmentalization of me as a person in his life.

I am so grateful for my friends who have supported me through this. But looking forward, I just don't think he has the character to weather this storm and do what he would need to do to R with me. His mode is just to sweep things under the rug, and if I know him at all (I think I know this much) he's thinking that with time, it'll just fade away like it never happened and we can play "pretend."

Unfortunately, no relationship can withstand such a great wounding without addressing that wound. I will recover on my own and have for the most part.
But I can't recover with him unless he does the work, and that is not forthcoming.

It's been 18 months since I discovered his infidelity, and we are no further along than we were then. Not really. There is no movement from him in terms of any kind of real remorse. (Saying "I'm sorry for our sitch" in a text is just insulting. As if it happened all by itself.)

I'm fine. Better than fine. I'm back to being happy---UNLESS I have much to do with him, and then it's back to insomnia and getting manipulated.

When I withdraw from him for my own sanity, he steps up his game, starts calling now and texting long messages, about how "sad" he is and other stuff. Until I open up to him again and then it's the same old, same old.

Acting like he cares, without the actual warmth or caring. Since I now know what genuine warmth and caring feel like, it gets harder and harder to tolerate this facsimile.

So I'm frustrated, moving ahead with my own plans, and trying to engage with him as little as possible.

I think it's clear to him that I'm a good person, someone worthy of being in a loving relationship, someone he likes, would find attractive, would enjoy being around, would be a good match.
Except; he doesn't feel that way.

Whether it's because he ruined whatever trust I had in him, made me into someone who is no longer gullible and easily manipulated, made me stronger, or because whenever he lets his guard down with me, he can see what he's done to me.

I'm not good at hiding my feelings, and even though I have a tight rein on myself, I know it shows on some level.

But his avoiding my pain is not about helping ME. It's his weakness that he can't face it, and he wants ME to put it on a shelf so he will feel less uncomfortable.

That is 100% clear to me, and it's not going to happen. It's not my job to pretend so he can avoid feeling the brunt of what he's done. Which doesn't mean I bring up the A or say anything critical. I mean, I can't even show emotion that might be related in any way.

That's not acceptable to me.
I am tired of walking on eggshells and tired of pretending to be perky and perfect and happy when he's around.

Oddly enough, when he's NOT around, being happy and upbeat is never a problem.

That tells me something.

I do appreciate you all checking in with me; I felt guilty not providing an update, and I'm sorry I didn't do so earlier. I just needed a break.

I don't anticipate anything changing this year with him. I fully expect him to push the divorce through when he can, and also expect him to want to keep me here on some level. So he'd have his "divorced" status for his online dating, but all the perks of having me as a wife. Or half-a-wife. Have his cake and eat it too, I guess.

Well, that won't work for me. I have the sense that all his "niceness" is buttering me up so he can create just that situation for himself. With me, the ever-trusting, loyal former wife who won't date or make demands... while he's free to do as he pleases.

Of course, I could be wrong about all of this, but I don't think so.

I have not seen one tiny bit of him wanting to support me or get close to me emotionally. Yet, he wants that from me.

I have to stop giving it to him, but it's hard. When he's here, I can let my guard down, I forget what's happened... and I think he counts on that.

I find myself chatting away, and then it's back to the same old "Mr. Nice Guy" routine.

But being "nice" is not the same thing as being kind or compassionate.
I've been doing ALL the emotional lifting in this R for years, and I'm done.
I need to expend my energy on things that will actually give me a return for my money, and sadly, I no longer think he's going to be one of them.

Sure, a miracle could happen. But it's not likely.

The man is very emotionally closed off in more ways than I ever knew.
This time alone allowed me to really look back over our whole R with the goggles off, and I have seen a lot.

I have seen how insidious his treatment of me has been, and how it's led to this point. I was manipulated and used, and sold a false bill of goods. That's the truth of it.

Sorry not to have better news, but there it is.

Love you guys...

Your Pal,

The Goat Gal


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: GoatGal] #2536567
02/10/15 09:44 PM
02/10/15 09:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Hey GGG!

Good to see you here...glad you were able to enjoy your travels and hanging out with cool people.

What a long update.

Say that you just met this guy last week, would you date him? Would you consider him as marriage material?

I know, I know. He is in MLC. You just cannot fritter away your life if he won't or will not do a jot as a good-to-honest-spouse.

What he does around the house etc, you just can do it yourself and even hire a handyman to handle occasional projects.

I need to say this: I do worry that if you do divorce H, that you will saddled withe farm and the animals. It's a drain on you emotionally, physically, and mentally. Heck, it is been happening for a while.

You DO matter. Sometimes we hang on to things out of "obligation." I have learned that it is okay to say "no" and/or turn things down.

My time and energy are a very valuable commodity that I own 100%. If I say "no" and people are not pleased with my choices, oh well...they're not living my life.

Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: Wonka] #2536578
02/10/15 09:54 PM
02/10/15 09:54 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
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GoatGal Offline OP
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GoatGal  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
Hey, Wonkie!

No, I won't be saddled with anything. Neither will he, since neither of us can run this place alone, financially or otherwise.

We will lose the house, the animals, and all of it. He doesn't seem to get that yet, but it's the truth. The only reason he'd think that wasn't going to happen was because he'd either never divorce me and keep me in "separated limbo", or hopefully divorce me but keep me living here.


I know I matter, that's why I don't want to be around people who tell me through their actions that they don't really respect or value me.
He is one of those. He is too concerned with himself and his own issues, and they clearly come first.

He acts like the victim, and it's repulsive to me.

So---No worries about me!


As for dating him, the red flags are waving high and bright! I wish I'd seen them 30 years ago. Not on your life would I date him. There is nothing to like. He is like a shell of a person. He "acts" nice, but it really seems like an act. Sad. Really sad.

And I don't think any other woman would either the way he is now, unless she was a total mess of a person. And I guess there are plenty of those around.

At least when I met him, he was cute.

smile

The fact is, I'm doing so much better on my own that I have with him in many years. My social life is very full, I have more invitations than I care to accept. I have been doing new things and meeting interesting people all the time. I am networking and following up on jobs and housing. I am planning my future WITHOUT HIM.

No doubt he feels this, and is stepping up his game.

I remember Labug saying, "If you're friendly with him, how does that give him an incentive to change?" (Paraphrasing). I insisted on more contact because he seemed to "like" that.

Well, I now must say that they were right and I was wrong.
(Isn't this always what happens?)

He just took advantage of my kindness and openness, and changed NOTHING.
They were right. Why should he? He has just what he wants, short of me inviting him to come back and we'll pretend none of this nastiness ever occurred.

I'll just blindly trust him again, still be loyal, still be who I was.

Well, that woman is long gone.

In her place is someone smarter, stronger, wiser, and more skilled in identifying and deflecting the actions of manipulative and dishonest people.

What a lesson to learn, but learn I have.

I can never go back to how I was before. I'm IMPROVED and I LIKE it.

If he doesn't, oh well. That's at least one good thing he gave me. A hell of an experience.

---(G)GGG



Last edited by GoatGal; 02/10/15 10:04 PM.
Re: The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice [Re: GoatGal] #2536582
02/10/15 10:01 PM
02/10/15 10:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
GGG,

It'll be your decision whether to pull the plug or not. Tough choices indeed.

T2 did and he's now living it up now that he is an officially divorced man. He did the walk and gave it all. Ultimately, T decided that he was too valuable frittering away time on someone who didn't want him at all.

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