Jim0987 #8 - A bit clearer on the rebuild

[jim0987]

Well the last thread locked, link to it here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2517061#Post2517061

edited higlights of my situation

we've been together 6 years and my wife has been unhappy for 3.5 of those since my D3 was born. At the beginning of september 2014 she said she wanted to end our relationship as she didnt love me any more.

queue lots of begging, pleading, crying and general neediness from me. As well as occassional bouts of anger and 'you're making a mistake'. My wife has been the queen of detachment and has shown no signs of any upset or doubt regarding the split - her attitude toward me is mostly avoidant and dismissive.

I subsequently found out that she was infatuated with a man at the office and decided to pursue a relationship with him. to quote a message from my W to a friend 'I had to leave him because i know i would have cheated'

After fits and starts she is now in a relationship with the man from work (OM1) and by all accounts they are very happy.

assuming all the legal paperwork goes through she will be moving out of our house in mid january 2015.

My W's stated big issues in our marriage:
- She doesnt trust me and she doesnt feel like i trust her
- I've let her down to often
- Im always too negative
- I make horrible sarcastic comments
- I'm attritional when i argue

I've documented at length the issues that i need to address about me (what the rebuild needs to cover) including a giant post in my previous thread

My major DB issues are
Detaching so that i'm not affected by her so much
keeping my PMA
STFU - as i let my emotions do too much talking

[edz]

Jim just my .002 but I think that once your w has moved you can start to detatch and move forward, you know I fought the concept of moving but my attitude has improved so much since I've moved despite the issues there are still to face.

[jim0987]

edz, mate the difference in the tone of your posts is unbelievable you are so much more positive since you moved that the turn around is inspiring and real cause for optimism.

its a real pleasure to see.

[edz]

Thanks Jim, still a long road ahead but I'm in motion.,

[jim0987]

So i got home late this evening and my W asked about the agreement as she hadnt seen the email before she left work. (she was still up unusually and had had a few G&Ts)

I said there were some things i wasnt happy with and then corrected myself to say that i was uncomfortable with. She wanted to discuss it - I asked her to wait a couple of minutes (while i went upstairs and got my game face on)

so we discussed my concerns as laid out in early posts. I stayed very calm, quite cool and stood leaning back on the kitchen counter with wide and open body language. What i will say is that i dont think i did any validation during this it was quite confrontational but at the same time quite business like.

A couple of times I felt myself starting to bite, but i caught it and had this stock phrase in my head to stop me getting drawn into an arguement
'have a look at the draft, we can send it back and forth as many times as we need to get something we are both comfortable with'

I must have said this 30 times during the conversation.

A lot of the time she kept talking about the process, and thats how the process works. particularly if i said something she disagreed with she would say thats not what her solicitor says, or thats not how the process works. she also went to great lengths to tell me how reasonable she is being.

She was very resistent to a couple of things
- anything that seemed like me taking more control of things (moving direct debits to my account, taking my name off the joint account)
- anything that affected her planned timeline
- things that attempt to resolve matter prior to formal divorce proceedings. she seemed determined that finances will stay on the table after I've given her a big wadge of cash.

At the end of the conversation we got stuck in a loop

W: well it has to be signed so i can move and it has to be reasonable, i'm not signing anything thats not reasonable (variations on this including odd mention of solicitors)
M: have a look at the draft, we can send it back and forth as many times as we need to get something we are both comfortable with

we must have gone round this loop at least 10 times. before eventually she said that she would look at the draft and get back to me, and then thanked me for the 'prompt feedback.'

So all in all i feel like it went pretty well considering how unpleasant a topic it is. (I'm sure someone will tell me i've got that wrong). I'm sure it will be twisted to fit whatever narrative she wants but i think it was ok. I didnt agree to anything or back down on any of my concerns.

I will say that there is a enormous current of mistrust between the two of us, its really disconcerting.

[Complex]

Just read your thread Jim. How long again do you still life under the same roof with her since BD and the day you found out about her affair?
This is the thing I'm very afraid of not being able to move out any time soon. We just can't afford it at all, but living in the same place is so hard. If you're actually managing this well I give you a lot of respect for that. I don't know if I could deal with the fact hee having an affair and I live in the sse place

[jim0987]

BD was 7 sept 14 and I found out about the affair late september (I think it was the day after my birthday). Its been on and off in that time and she has pursued other men as OM1 wasnt interested but she was obviously still pursuing him - I could tell her diary for the day at work but what she was wearing in the morning.

Now the affair is more of a relationship rather than pursuit its got a lot harder because i can see the positive impact it has on her (shes glowing) and she has become a lot more antagonistic toward me and about being in this house - which in part is likely to do with the limitation that puts on the relationship.

She still denies it which i suppose is in someway a postive because at least she doesnt rub it in my face deliberately - instead its the dishonesty that i have to bite my tongue about

Up until this morning i was pretending i dont know about it, but i had a backslide this morning where i made a comment about it (while she was protesting her honesty and reasonableness)

reasonable has come up a lot today - I'm going to suggest its because she thinks im being unreasonable

[Wonka]

Jim,

The next time W throws out the "being reasonable" comment, it would do you good to comment that it is reasonable for two separate individuals to have their viewpoints on some matter. She shouldn't chastise you for seeing or thinking differently.

I find it interesting that W threw out "you're controlling" comment. This is the typical push back from WAW to get you to back off on something that she knows is right. I saw the same exact behaviors from HP's W and other WAWs. It I their way of asserting control of the situation and making sure things are going according to THEIR own internal timeline/plans.

When the LBH disagrees or stand firm on certain matter, then spew ensue from their mouths because you've thrown a serious monkey wrench in their plan by not rolling over and exposing your underbelly.

Please keep this in mind and try not to take W's future spewing personally.

[jim0987]

it was strange i was involved in the conversation but i found myself almost watching my wife's patterns. There were moments when I could really see the way she reacts to certain things in the style of comment she comes out with.

she cant just disagree with me, she has to make sure I know im wrong and usually she refers to some third party (Law, solicitor, article she read) as the 'proof' im wrong. Chastising me for not agreeing has been a pattern for a long time in our relationship.

with regard to the 'reasonable' thing a quote from Hamlet came to mind "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"

any time i act independently, but in a way that has an affect on her i get an immediate reaction, some kind of testing. if I unapologetically and calmly stand my ground she reacts badly, previously contemptuous spew, tonight was more subtle but still felt like spew

[Vanilla]

You can say that you will discuss this another time if she starts with g&t in her system, after she has read the draft.

And you don't have to hand over any cash without a signed agreement if you don't want.

None of the stuff you mentioned is 'controlling' of W, it is putting your own affairs In order. It is looking after your interests. You are not as far as I can see telling her what to think or do, just stating your own needs.

And now you are telling W you know about OM1, good for you. And it's perfectly ok in my book to say that you know about OM1, 2 etc. you don't like it but know that W will do as she waywardly pleases. She spews, as Wonka says ignore, it's incoherent rubbish especially after a drink or two and there is no sense in reasoning with someone uninhibited by drink.

Drink is a depressant and eventually poor lifestyle choices tell and bottoms are hit emotionally. That day will come as it must, A or no A reality bites hard on the drinker.

You are getting stronger Jim.

Vanilla