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A Message from Michele
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Continuing DBing... #2519257
12/21/14 02:31 AM
12/21/14 02:31 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
P
PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: PeterV2] #2519258
12/21/14 02:36 AM
12/21/14 02:36 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
P
PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
Quote:
Peter I don't think cake eating has to include another man. To me cake eating is when she has the best of both worlds. Basically she has the best of you without making a firm commitment to the marriage and being transparent along with doing whatever it takes to meet YOUR needs.

You're still in db mode where she is living at home but with no commitment.


She's only been back home for 3 weeks and most of that time was spent moving back in and getting the house in order. It seems to me things are getting better daily, we spend a lot of quality time together, but she's still coming to terms with her wayward past and needs time to find herself again. I'll be patient. In five weeks the RH will be sold and we'll be sleeping under the same roof again - just in separate rooms. Baby steps.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: PeterV2] #2520106
12/23/14 09:43 PM
12/23/14 09:43 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
shodan Offline
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shodan  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
Peter

It does seem that your W is moving towards your M, not away. I also agree that the transparency issue is tricky. I know everyone on the boards says it is the only way to reconcile. How can there be trust without transparency. My W also refuses to provide it but yet says she wants our M to work.

I also agree about letting your mind get carried away. I do the same thing.

Ultimately, transparency is necessary to move you back to trusting your W. Without it, can you ever heal? Maybe, but it will take years. I think we both are in potentially very destructive/unhealthy relationships where we could get hurt. We are spending time with our Ws, having fun, laughing, etc. Is that cake eating? I don't think so. As you said, your W is working through her own demons but at least she is trying to do it with you.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: shodan] #2520134
12/23/14 10:55 PM
12/23/14 10:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
P
PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
Shodan, thanks for your words of encouragement. Yes it's a delicate sitch, and hence I don't want to sabotage it by demanding transparency as that will be seen as pressuring. When she's ready to let me into her world a little more she'll do it on her own terms and in her own time.

By me choosing to trust her, that opens up the space for her to come into that world without me issuing ultimatums or demands - those things only backfire. I choose the path of love and acceptance of the time things take.

True there is the potential for heartbreak, but my heart's already broken. And its mending is not going too well following the path I was taking with all the suspicion and lack of trust. Hence the 180.

Hey, I have my own dark secrets from my past that I choose not to share at this time. Some things are best left unspoken. I'm sure she has some too, and I'm willing to let them remain hidden if they serve no purpose towards reconciliation. I'd rather just move forward from this point.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: shodan] #2520216
12/24/14 05:46 AM
12/24/14 05:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
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JCred Offline
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JCred  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
Quote:
I know everyone on the boards says it is the only way to reconcile


Not true. It is NOT the only way. Many people on here have reconciled without demanding total transparency. It is NOT a requirement and it is not true that you can't have trust without total transparency. It is an individual choice. Don't let other posters put things in your head that could cause you to fail at reconciling. One person may need total transparency and another does not. Don't let the one who needs it convince you that you can't trust without it. You most certainly can and many have. If you don't need it, then move on and work on your relationship.

I can think of 3 right off the top of my head that are still posting here that I have never heard say they had total transparency as a requirement. All three seem to be doing just fine.

If you need it, then it works best to get it when the wayward is coming back and WANTS to reconcile. You can then use it as leverage BEFORE you agree to reconcile. After reconciling it is in my opinion a detriment to the relationship to ask or demand total transparency and causes more strife than it is worth.... The former wayward almost always fights against it once you are already in the middle of reconciling and then tell them you want total transparency....

Pick your battles wisely.. If it's a deal breaker, then don't reconcile without it. If it's not, then move on past it. You can most certainly learn to trust again.


Justin Credible
Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: JCred] #2520388
12/24/14 07:56 PM
12/24/14 07:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
P
PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
JCred, thanks for the viewpoint. I agree. I choose to trust.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: PeterV2] #2520436
12/24/14 11:38 PM
12/24/14 11:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
I agree with Justin's comments. Well said, Justin.

Merry Christmas! smile

Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: Wonka] #2520474
12/25/14 05:09 AM
12/25/14 05:09 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
P
PeterV2 Offline OP
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PeterV2  Offline OP
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 485
Ontario, Canada
I've been tempted in the last couple of days to say to my W, "I trust you completely", but I'm not sure if that will be perceived as weak, or as pressuring - as if expecting her to return the favour.

Today I gave her a Christmas present - a star-shaped charm for her charm bracelet. Along with it I penned a note about the North Star being a guide used by sailors caught in a storm - the star won't create a safe harbour, but it can guide the sailors to a safe harbour. Then I wrote 3 lines:

To be the best each of us can be
Self-improvement
Commitment

These are the 3 North Stars that I see that our relationship should use as guides, but I didn't connect the dots like that. I figured just be a bit poetic and leave it at that.

I ended the script with "You are my star". She loved it. But I'm not sure she understood the deeper meaning. This is all based on Lee Baucom's ebook about strengthening relationships. Anyway, at least it will be a bit of foreshadowing if we can get to the point where she'll join me in the quest to reconcile and read that book.

Still we had a good day together, and she even commented so as I tucked her into bed before heading to the RH for the night.

I would like to take this moment to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and to thank everyone on this forum for the amazing advice and challenging dialogue I've engaged with you in over the past year. I would not be where I am today in my path to reconciliation had it not been for the love and wisdom of you all. Thank you a hundred times over!


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: PeterV2] #2520476
12/25/14 05:12 AM
12/25/14 05:12 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
H
HeavyD Offline
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HeavyD  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
Rhode Island
Merry Christmas Peter!


Was made a better person by DB'ers
Re: Continuing DBing... [Re: HeavyD] #2521143
12/28/14 01:57 PM
12/28/14 01:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 29
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Rominique Offline
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Rominique  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 29
I'm still in my situation similar to yours except my wife is still talking moving out just started Friday her place is finally ready, and I'm just so exhausted with trying to make it when all she does is lie and hurt

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