Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[gan]

Ah, Calibri. Sometimes I wonder if we are twins. Your post above puts in words what I have been feeling for a while. I've not written much about the circumstances beyond my immediate sitch, but in the months since BD there has also been a death, a terminal cancer diagnosis (months to live), a possible other cancer diagnosis (things are looking promising though), a premature birth (followed by NICU) and an emergency open heart surgery among my family and friends. Oh and that siege thing in Sydney. Didn't impact me personally but it was touch and go for a bit as it wasn't clear what we were dealing with. Every time I learnt of some bad news I felt the same desire to grab H by the ears and shake some sense into him. But I didn't.

Life is short and I intend to live it to the fullest. I believe I am on that path. I'm sure for many that would mean trying to move on and find someone new to share in life's adventures. It's strange though, in some ways it makes me want to dig my heals in more and see this thing through to the other side. Sounds like you are similar.

[TLEE86]

You doing ok C? Haven't heard from you in a bit.

[Calibri]

Hi everyone -- thanks for stopping in.


Have had pretty good interactions from H since Sunday.

Sunday, was super stressed out with alot of things going on at our house, few things breaking, trying to do routine maintenance on my own. Talked to H that night and ended up mentioning that I was overwhelmed with things going on and what not. And he mentioned to me that he didn't know how to help me, "right now." And for some reason, I was being very honest and said - "I do need help, but I'm not in a position where I can ask you for it." He asked me to elaborate.

Backstory: during BD aka "the month of screaming" - H expressed rather forcefully that he felt he did everything around the house. Maintenance, cooking, cleaning, and that he felt like that's all I wanted him for, that he was a glorified house keeper and that he felt like a caretaker. As such, I haven't asked him for ANYTHING since he left. I expressed to him that I was trying to handle everything on my own, and I know that he was overwhelmed with his roles in the household responsibilities, and that I didn't want to make him feel that way and as such, I was trying my best to handle everything the best I could.

He responded surprisingly well, stating that people need help with things, and that he knows he walked away from everything and left me to deal with it all, but he doesn't want to handle things that way, and if I have things that he could help with -- that he will handle it. And that he knows I'm apprehensive about asking him to do anything because of what he said, but that things need to be done, and that he's not going to, "get all resentful about it."

So I gave him a small list of things I need help with and he said he would help me with everything, and I thanked him.

We will see if this actually happens. I'm not going to bring it up.....so I doubt that he will remember, but who knows. Asking for help is a big deal for me. I'm a very determined woman. I don't ask for help. I just don't. I want to be seen as someone capable of doing it all (even though that's led to my downfall). So it was a HUGE HUGE deal for me to admit to H that I needed help. Especially after BD.

We texted last night for about an hour. Just regular stuff. It was a good conversation. H and I both agreed that it was "nice" and stuff (I'm really using $5 words tonight ya'll.) We did have a misunderstanding at the end, and we both apologized and cleared the air this morning.

So. Good, right? So why do I feel very apprehensive? I've kept low/no expectations for the past week, and H has surpassed them. Every time. We have been able to communicate fairly decently. No blows ups. H appears to be getting softer towards me. He's initiating conversations. And I'm repeating to myself the "slow is fast" mantra and not going, "Ok we've had a great week, let's go to MC" or anything like that. But. But. But?

I don't know. I will admit seeing H Saturday, holding his hand, just electrified me. I'm reeling from it. Makes me miss him so much more. I know I have to play it cool. I know I have to keep on keeping on. I just want this to work. So badly. I feel that I've added extra pressure on myself to apply the DB. Pulling it together, being nice, not talking about feelings, listening....but on like level 10. Which is not the way to do it -- and most likely why I have anxiety.

That, and I've had both IC and a close friend put some pressure on me to timeline this thing. Or to "move on." This annoys the hell out of me. And makes me feel more anxious. In our state, you have to be separated for a year before you can even file. We are almost at 4 months (yuck). If this were on the opposite end of the spectrum, and I was contemplating starting a marriage with H after 4 months? Instead of ending a marriage after 4 months? People would think I was crazy. But when it comes to separation, people think you should cut and run so quickly. Hell. It's taken us 4 months to get to a place where we can awkwardly talk to one another without emotions all over the place. Who knows what another 4 months will bring.

All I know is that I'm seeing changes. In myself, and my H. I don't know what those changes will bring. But I think I owe it to myself and my R, to not cut and run when things get tough. People may think I'm a fool. But it's my life to live. When/if I get to a point where I can't do it anymore, then I can evaluate. Because I've realized, H doesn't have all the power. I have just as much say if this R ends. So there.

I don't know. I'm venting.

I don't want to get my hopes up. I want the changes that I'm seeing for both of us to keep improving. I want us to grow together, not apart. And I want everyone to STFU about what I should be doing and stay in their own lanes.

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On the positive side, instead of going home and crying from my panic attack, I went to Crossfit instead. 15 pound PR on my squat clean, and did the worlds most awful workout afterwards. Doing the "Fight Gone Bad" workout tonight -- and it'll get some nervous energy out as well.

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Onward.

[TLEE86]

C!!! You're alive! Its been what a few days? Maybe I need to detach from reading your thread...

Anyways, um...I feel like I just read my own thread. It's a little scary. Even started off the same way...but first, I am so happy for you that you and H are talking. This is HUGE, as you already know, for your H. The fact that he is WILLINGLY and taking the INITIATIVE to talk to you? Awesome.

He responded surprisingly well, stating that people need help with things, and that he knows he walked away from everything and left me to deal with it all, but he doesn't want to handle things that way, and if I have things that he could help with -- that he will handle it.

So I gave him a small list of things I need help with and he said he would help me with everything, and I thanked him.

We will see if this actually happens. I'm not going to bring it up.....so I doubt that he will remember, but who knows. Asking for help is a big deal for me. I'm a very determined woman. I don't ask for help. I just don't. I want to be seen as someone capable of doing it all (even though that's led to my downfall).

Good for you. H no doubt knows that you are determined and very capable. Asking for help, I always thought as well, is a sign of weakness. But you remember a while back you posted about that triangle and we were talking about getting out of the rescuer/victim roles? This made me think of that. You are now, not necessarily the victim, but are giving your H the chance to man up and "rescue" you. You're giving him the opportunity to step in and take the reigns, give up that control that you have held onto so tightly and give it to him a little.

Do I think he will actually help? Idk. Don't expect him to, but at least he is trying. He is making the effort, at least on the surface.

So. Good, right? So why do I feel very apprehensive? I've kept low/no expectations for the past week, and H has surpassed them. Every time. We have been able to communicate fairly decently. No blows ups. H appears to be getting softer towards me. He's initiating conversations. And I'm repeating to myself the "slow is fast" mantra and not going, "Ok we've had a great week, let's go to MC" or anything like that. But. But. But?

Um...been there. Careful because this is where you start having expectations. You don't really try to, but its natural. You and H have been "good" for a week and a pattern starts to develop. You start to think, ok well things have been positive for a while so they should keep going right?

I ran into same thing remember? W called me everyday for 2 weeks straight, then stops for 2 weeks. I didnt really have expectations, but when someone does the same thing over and over for a while, you just start to see a pattern and when it falls through, your crushed.

To be completely honest with you, i am wondering if your H will have a mis-step of his own in the near future. The only reason I say this is because he is trying. But Idk if he realizes he's trying and when he does, i wonder if he will be like OK WTF am i doing, back to the BATCAVE! You know what I mean? Doesn't mean he won't come out of it in time, even Batman has to eat.

I will admit seeing H Saturday, holding his hand, just electrified me. I'm reeling from it. Makes me miss him so much more. I know I have to play it cool. I know I have to keep on keeping on. I just want this to work. So badly. I feel that I've added extra pressure on myself to apply the DB. Pulling it together, being nice, not talking about feelings, listening....but on like level 10. Which is not the way to do it -- and most likely why I have anxiety.

ANNND YES....doesnt it suck when they give a little bit of "normal-cy" and you remember what it was like? But I think you hit the nail on the head. Don't add pressure to yourself. Keep playing it cool like you have been. It's working, just slowly.

Oh, and hey nice on going to CF instead of crying and setting that PR. Fight Gone Bad...actually one of my favorites.

[MCS]

Calibri,

Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do with timeline. I'm surprised that IC would say something like that, unless the uncertainty is paralyzingly you, let it be on your time. Anyway long story, I'll tell you in my sitch, I still don't know whether it was real or a smoke screen, but 2 months ago it seemed like the W cracked open an Opportunity to talk about our R. This was right after I confronted her about OM, so not sure if it was just reactionary. Anyway, I took a crowbar, through it in the crack and busted it wide open to try and solve everything......bad move. I got emotionally involved in trying to reconcile, she started to shut down, I through DB out the door and it put us back to square one. Really NC anymore, W saying she doesn't feel emotionally safe around me, very timid opening up for anything.

Take it at his pace, it's the toughest thing to do, but as sandi2 said; if they are ready, they are not going to give up because you're going too slow at progressing things. Fight the urge.

Best of luck.

[labug]

Expectations will get you. Be careful. It seems you've jumped right back on the roller coaster without your anti-nausea band.

You are a determined woman and you want to do this by force of will. That won't do it.

How long have you gone at a stretch without contact?

[seaspin]

I've had both IC and a close friend put some pressure on me to timeline this thing. Or to "move on."

I can relate. My IC has put pressure on me to do the same thing. It's frustrating. Stick to what you believe you should do and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's hard to do in a world that tells you to "move on". But they don't have to live with the decision. Hang in there!

[Calibri]

Expectations will get you. Be careful. It seems you've jumped right back on the roller coaster without your anti-nausea band.

I'm keeping a careful watch on it. But I know it's toeing the line reallllllly close.

You are a determined woman and you want to do this by force of will. That won't do it.

Yes I am determined. But may I ask, how do you perceive I'm doing this by force or will?

How long have you gone at a stretch without contact?

A week.

[Calibri]

Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do with timeline. I'm surprised that IC would say something like that, unless the uncertainty is paralyzingly you, let it be on your time.

At the beginning of this, H had set a timeline in passing, of six months on how he thought if we hadn't figured things out -- we obviously weren't going to figure things out. H has also said alot of things, and I don't know if he still holds to that or not. I'm not asking.

I myself thought I should timeline it -- and the moment I set a timeline in my head, my anxiety went through the roof. When I took the timeline out of my head, I calmed back down. I think IC doesn't have hope that H can do the personal work he needs to do to in turn, do the work on the M. Which may come from where she's pushing for a timeline. That, or she may be asserting the fact that I can timeline it -- but I'm perceiving it as pushing. I dunno.

Take it at his pace, it's the toughest thing to do, but as sandi2 said; if they are ready, they are not going to give up because you're going too slow at progressing things. Fight the urge.

It's a life lesson for sure. I'm struggling with it, but have gotten better in the past few weeks. Not anywhere where I need to be, but small steps.

Thanks for stopping in and sharing MCS!

[Calibri]

You are a determined woman and you want to do this by force of will. That won't do it.

Yes I am determined. But may I ask, how do you perceive I'm doing this by force or will?

Bug - my response sounds snitty, and it's not. I can't think of a way to re-word it, but I'm not trying to be snitty. :-)