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My IC told me the that with almost the exact words.

We should pay heed.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Quote:
I'm tempted to tell you what my IC told me: my controlling tendencies, my preference for things being done my way (it's better!) has paid handsomely at work, but it's a behavior that doesn't translate well in other spheres of my life. It made me critical and controlling of my W. It makes me impatient in general when things aren't as good as I can do or imagine them. What I've realized is that my goal at home is not to optimize the loading of the dishwasher or planning of the annual holidays, but to optimize my R. This means to let go of a lot of little things in order to achieve this big thing. Make my W happy and safe with me, even if it means wasting dishwashing soap or paying more for our flights. Make of that what you will, if the shoe fits.


Mozza and Ladyug: thank you for mentioning this. I would like to know more about HOW you do this. If this is you too Calibri, maybe we should talk. Not to hi-jack your thread I can start another thread Ways to Optimize R.

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I think Mozza said it but I guess it could be expanded on-

optimize my R. This means to let go of a lot of little things in order to achieve this big thing. Make my W happy and safe with me, even if it means wasting dishwashing soap or paying more for our flights. Make of that what you will, if the shoe fits.

I changed it a bit to reflect my belief that we can't make anyone happy but we can respect their POV just as we want others to respect ours.

I try to keep in mind, Is what I'm doing right for the R or is it right for me and my ego?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Mozza - thank you for stopping in. I am very much a determined person. It's one of the qualities I admire about myself. Once I set my mind to it - I usually find a way to do it. Come hell or high water. Re: education and career: I have a Master's Degree and finally broke into my career field a year ago. Starting from the bottom, but I have the drive and goal to get to the top.

I've been thinking a lot about what your IC said to you and how/if that train of thought applies to me. I would say yes, in most aspects. I've been thinking about controlling tendencies and where they started, and I've been able to narrow it down to three places in my life where it seems like control/critical ness became up close and personal. The first being my childhood. When my mom married my stepdad, he was fresh out of the military (was a military kid before that) and really had no idea how to interact or parent a 6 year old. For the first several years, I was treated like a soldier and not a child. Especially in areas of chores, etc. MY SD enforced military cleanliness around our home and it wasn't uncommon for me to have to scrub floors with a tooth brush or stack firewood to EXACT precision. SD would always check behind my work and would always point out missed spots and make me do the job again. I'm ashamed to say I did this with my H. I'm not at all a clean freak, but certain expectations were drilled into my head as to the right way to do it. Whereas H came from a family who never cleaned. He rarely had sheets on his bed, their house was just in disarray due to multiple factors. So I thought I was teaching H how to clean something correctly, when really, I was coming off as an ungrateful bitch.

The second instance: a job I took where my boss was a well known, well respected professional. She was also extremely "type A" and had systems and procedures that had to be followed to the letter. I viewed (and still do) her as a very successful business woman. I believe because of the scope of work I had to do, how I was expected to do it, that situation really sparked my control issues. I was held to such a high standard that, in turn I started holding others to a high standard as well.

The third instance came about a year into my M when I learned that H had gotten himself (and by proxy, me) into SERIOUS debt. He had taken over the finances while I finished up grad school. He became overwhelmed with the task, and embarrassed that he couldn't handle the situation. Instead of telling me and having the opportunity for us to work together on the situation, he made some pretty bad choices, hid them and it all blew up. His way of handling the situation hit my credit, his credit and our finances hard - and when I discovered this, I really had to take control of the situation and undo a bunch of stuff. This situation also sparked some serious problems with my inlaws - because wouldn't you know, this was all my fault (according to them)? And I started believing that my way was the right way, as I never would have a)handled the situation the way H did, and had handled my finances fantastically before. I started controlling more things and some aspects of my H's life because I didn't want a big surprise like that again. And I equated doing it my way with success. Lots of judgement, control, and self righteousness right there. I own up to it fully.

I also think my jobs both past, and present have a lot to do with my personality, or rather, I'm successful because of my personality. All of the jobs need super attention to detail, oversee multi aspects of projects, etc. My current gig, I have to assure that everything we do in our office is to FDA, hospital, medical and ethical standards. Monitor other people, equipment, etc. Constantly auditing and pointing out other peoples errors in the work place, so they don't make them again. Because in my business, errors can get us sued, can kill or physically harm someone, or shut us down.

So, years of all this, lands me where I am today. And absolutely, my work has spilled into my personal life. But I realize my relationship, and in turn, my H are to be nurtured, not audited.

So, this long winded post is an emphatic, yes to your statement. :-)

Also: my current boss and current job have me so out of my comfort zone it isn't even funny. Even a year into it, I haven't even scratched the surface of knowledge and my boss keeps me on my toes because I never know what he expects from me or what will be asked of me. I feel like an idiot around him most days simply because of his experiences and simply being out of my element. It has been a good experience being out of my comfort zone, because it's opened up my eyes to lots of things. And having a boss who thinks his way is the best way? Is very much poetic justice in some cases.




Last edited by Calibri; 01/03/15 09:57 PM.

M:32,H 32
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BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
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Also, for those who were wondering:

Did not have breakfast this am with H due to miscommunication. I thought he was going to follow up with a time and suggestion and he thought I was to do the same so it didn't happen. He expressed that it wouldn't be our last opportunity to get a meal together. Met him at the funeral. I held his arm to navigate across the cemetery, and we ended up holding hands for the service. He squeezed my hand several times and held on very tightly. This was progress as in the past any physical touch has been very limited, as he hasn't wanted it or when he's given it, it's been very weak for a lack of better words. I'm not reading into it, but I am noting it was there. He noticed my new hair style and color and complimented me on it. After the service we chatted for a few minutes and I had him laughing about my latest shenanigans with friends. I was upbeat, smiling, looked good (as confirmed by several people at the funeral and at the gym afterwards), smelled good and was extremely laid back. He asked about working out and was impressed with the progress I had made. He mentioned that he was making a conscious effort to cut back on smoking. He initiated a hug, said it was good to see me, I pecked him on the cheek and he said he would see me later. That was that.

He looks extremely tired and sad. I don't think this journey is easy for him. He seems more, I don't know, softer with me for a lack of better words. With neighbor dying and news that a family member likely has terminal cancer (we received this news all within 72 hours, when it rains it pours), H seems shook up. He mentioned it that the news was hitting him hard. Perhaps it's putting things into perspective for him? I don't even pretend to imagine what his perspective might be.

From my end, it was a good interaction. I plan on sending him a text later tonight saying that it was good to see him and leave it at that.


M:32,H 32
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Hand holding?!?!

I'm wowed!

You're being there for him without controlling the outcome, Calibri. Don't look now but you're doing it!!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Originally Posted By: Mozza
even if it means wasting dishwashing soap or paying more for our flights.


Count me in on the control issues too (not to hijack). Apparently I still have issues because just reading about wasting dishwasher soap or paying more for flights makes me uncomfortable. They still seem important to me as not being wasteful. Zipping my lips would be hard. I understand what the IC meant though. Wow, I still have some work to do to let things go.


M:35 H:36
Married: 14yrs
Kids: D7, S4, D1.5
BD: 4/14
Mentioned Divorce: 5/14
Moved out 6/14
OW confirmed: 9/14
Wants to move forward with D 11/14
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Wow Calibri your posts sure were an eye opener for me. I have similarly to you not known when to STFU. I think you are doing great. There are always going to be setbacks. All we can do is get back up and keep moving forward. If hubby is not around you he can't blame you for his unhappiness. Giving him space to reflect on his own is a good idea.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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When it rains. It pours. And it's monsoon season over here ya'll.

Nothing bad specifically to me or H per say. But things happening to other people. My neighbor died on Tuesday. On Friday, a family member learned their cancer had returned - worse. And possibly in the brain. He is most likely terminal, but will wait to see after further scans, doctor visits, etc. Yesterday, a friend's husband died. They had been separated for 15 months.

Normally, I would say, "oh that [censored]" and likely wouldn't give the situations more than a few thoughts. But with my own relationship filled with uncertainty and, in turn, my life, these life events are causing me to pause. To reflect.

Life is so short. Even when it's a long life, it's short. The quality of the life we live, the life in our years, those are what matter. My mom, who is an oncology nurse, says at the end, her patients reflect upon their lives and often have regrets. Regrets for not really living. Regrets for not loving enough. They always meant to to do something, "when they had the time." To take that trip, to show their spouse how important they were, to live a little. And then, life got in the way. Bills, stress, self absorption. And when living your life is no longer an option? When you no longer have the time or opportunities? It's hard to find peace. To die with the what ifs lingering in the back of your mind.

Friend's husband dying, has really given me pause. They were separated for 15 months. She loved him dearly, but their situation wasn't a healthy one. The last time I caught up, she was opening her heart, and home to him to see if they could do it. To have a healthy relationship. And now, he's gone. My heart aches for her. But most of what I ache for, lie in the feelings I would have in her situation. How she would never have an answer either way with her relationship. Hoping that the last year of bad memories didn't overshadow the good. The grief she's feeling. The unanswered "what ifs". The unknown.

I think, the unknown, for many of us is a double edged sword. It can kill us or save us. I don't like the unknown, because I don't know what it brings me. I can't control it. But at the same time, what if the unknown is the best thing for us? Because at one point, our lives, were unknown. We had no idea what jobs would open up for us, how we would meet our spouses, if we would have kids. It was all unknown.

Many could argue that our current situations suck. And they do. But the unknown, while it brings pain, brings opportunity. For growth, for reflection, for resolutions, for clarity, for achievement.

Personally, this week has scared the bejesus out of me. It makes me want to run to my H and take him by the shoulders and shake him while simultaneously saying, "we have to fix this because what if one of us dies, I don't want us to live with regrets and the what ifs!"

But, I'm not. Instead I'm resolving to continue to work on myself and facing the unknown. I hope that H does the same. I hope for clarity and I pray that something like death, won't derail our train. Wherever it happens to lead.




Last edited by Calibri; 01/04/15 07:42 PM.

M:32,H 32
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Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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C, so sorry all thats happening around you. Sounds like left and right (censored) is just going all over the place.

Originally Posted By: Calibri

The quality of the life we live, the life in our years, those are what matter. My mom, who is an oncology nurse, says at the end, her patients reflect upon their lives and often have regrets. Regrets for not really living. Regrets for not loving enough. They always meant to to do something, "when they had the time." To take that trip, to show their spouse how important they were, to live a little. And then, life got in the way. Bills, stress, self absorption. And when living your life is no longer an option? When you no longer have the time or opportunities? It's hard to find peace. To die with the what ifs lingering in the back of your mind.


So, you told me a few things you were gonna do this New Year...CF competition, changing your hair, getting a new wardrobe, going to regionals to watch etc. What else are you gonna do? What's on your "bucket list" that you have an opportunity right now to check off by yourself? So you don't live with regrets and what ifs. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours? Sound good? May I suggest skydiving?

- Oh, BTW, after staying in a hotel for a week by myself, it is NO fun. I thought of your H, and i am sure he is not enjoying it in anyway.

- Oh #2. Im debating on that CF comp this year, idk yet but i'll let you know. Like you, my snatch is my weakest event, that and double unders and kipping- sounds like i have no coordination, ha. I'm a monster at rowing, sprints/runs, strict PUs, cleans and anything "Murph" related...


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
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