Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[labug]

He had a hissy fit about Christmas Eve because I said I had plans for that evening and didn't want the kids & I to go out to dinner with him because I have plans. He had them for Thanksgiving the whole week, and will have them during the day Christmas Eve because I have to work, and will have them the weekend after Christmas as well. So he's only missing dinner with me that evening. He'll see them a lot. When I said no to dinner he demanded to know what my plans were and that I didn't need to be "so mysterious" -- that I could be specific about what my plans were because he has a right to know where his kids are on Christmas Eve. So I told him. Then he wanted D11 to not participate in my plans and also said he would take the boys away from me on Christmas Day to play the video game he bought them.
I said no, he was NOT to do that because he'd had them for Thanksgiving and Christmas was mine. Then he pitched more of a fit and said that "I know things aren't conducive to things being much of a "family" Christmas right now, but I'm doing everything I can to try to make this one at least as normal for them as it can be, and for it to involve us both equally." (which I notice wasn't at all a concern for him when he excluded me at Thanksgiving.) He also claimed to be the only one trying to make Christmas nice for them at all.

There's a lot of charged language in this. Hissy fit, demanded to know, he would take the boys away, pitched more of a fit. Was it really that charged? Or is that the story you're telling yourself? I don't know that answer, just asking.

So we smoothed that over with some validating and mutual apologies.

So let's put this on the fire and watch it go up in smoke.

Then the next day he asked if I had gotten a separate bank account for my new paycheck and that he had a "right" to know what I'm making and how much is in my bank account because he's treated things as shared and I ought to as well. So I told him my salary, confirmed I have my own account, and told him how much cash was in it. Then I said that if he had anything more to say about the finances we should reserve that for an in-person conversation when the kids weren't present. He answered another element of that email but didn't respond to the finance part, which I took to mean he DOES have more to say about it(mind-reading) but is respecting my request to do that in person.

I had told him before he even moved out that if I got a job I wanted to have my own bank account so that I could feel more like my own person and he'd said he understood that. Given how things are going I do feel very insecure about his intentions and any mention he makes about money exacerbates that.

I think you handled this beautifully and it's another one of those things you can let go of unless or until he brings it up again.

When we make boundaries some people are going to get chafed. It's OK, that's their choice. You're not responsible for his emotions. I know, that's a difficult pill to swallow 'cause it appears you've lived your married life feeling responsible for his emotions.

Looking it over again I can see that maybe he didn't mean for that to be nearly as threatening as it feels to me, because he can't understand that I no longer see him as trustworthy and because I've seen so many examples of SAHM's being left in dire straits.

As I've said to my IC many times, "It is really all about me and my stuff, isn't it?"

I need to be legally separated to address some of that fear. I am afraid that this new H who snaps at me and seems to expect me to be available at his request is going to try to back me into a corner about taking steps to feel more secure. He's going to see it as a personal insult on his integrity. Which I feel he has very little and he has said (even post-BD) that he has lots of integrity and is a very honest person. I guess, in short, that I'm afraid my changes are about to be tested and that even if they stand firm that I will be made to suffer for it in some way.

Wow, where does all that come from?

You're a strong woman, if he does that, you can handle it.

What I would try to avoid is creating a narrative in your mind to which you react. I'm not saying stick your head in the sand and let him run amock but rather be honest about how much of this is him and how much is created by your fears.

You don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've seen it happen here and IRL and that prophecy manifests from our worst fears. What we resist persists, what we focus on grows, the wolf we feed becomes the strongest...

I've been through enough. I'm ready to spend my time on people who are happy that I care about them. People who don't lash out at me because of their own choices.

That will never happen. Becoming a person with strong boundaries involves pushback. Kids, partners, employers, employees, friends will all test us, just as we will test them.

Let them lash, you are teflon.

I hope the Solstice idea was helpful. It's a beautiful thing to realize we are in charge of us.

We can throw off the chains.

[Maybell]

I could probably count on my fingers the number of times he snapped at me in seventeen years, and half of them were in the last two years we were together. He almost always shut down rather than lash out. The few times he actually expressed displeasure I tried to really do what he wanted because it told me he really meant it. And yes, I did take a TON of responsibility for his feelings. I know better now intellectually, but it's a hard habit to even identify, let alone break.

Which is also why I felt anxious at the idea of his lashing out at me.

On the other hand, lashing out is WAY healthier than bottling for years on end. It feels more honest even when I feel shaken and a little scared. (Fear is a lighthouse!) so that's something.

Where does my speech about his integrity come from? Two years of lying about OW, lying in therapy, making speeches to his affair partner's baby daddy about how the *baby daddy* ought to be a man his daughter can look up to, changing his FB page to keep his friends in the dark about his behavior, not telling anyone we're separated, and signing up for online dating while married. Sigh. Someone tell me what I'm here for???

The Solstice idea was nice. A weight went up with the smoke. I put a little dried sage on the flame too, which is supposed to be cleansing. I'm keeping that idea handy.

I've been reading Harry Potter aloud to my kids since H moved out and we've just started the seventh book. It's the one where Harry has to wrestle with the idea that Dumbledore had dark secrets in his past, and we just finished the scene where Dumbledore's most devoted friend and a malicious gossip-monger are arguing over what happened to Dumbledore's sister.

One of the themes of the book is Harry's inclination to give greater weight to the testimony of the more negative speaker, because he can't believe that goodness and badness can exist in a single person. (I've founf that all of Rowling's books deal with people in varying shades of gray, but that's another post). Anyway, the Harry thing tonight has got me thinking about what my H's side of this situation could be.

I'm really struggling to understand it. Is it because I never understood him well because he didn't express himself in a way I understood? Or was I really awful? But I have my own side to that, and while I acknowledge there were times and ways I was difficult, we both kind of laughed about being pains in our own particular ways. Or is it MLC and a thing that just descended on us? Or is he truly fatally flawed?

Unknowable at this stage.

But the Harry thing is maybe useful in reminding me to keep an eye on the grays in our circumstances. And to watch from a distance without judgment (which I haven't done yet). And to not be like Harry in books 5 & 6, when he was constantly snapping at people.

(I'd really like to be like Fred or George Weasley...)

Anyway, thanks for listening to my ramblings...

[Maybell]

Oh, and btw, all you fellas contemplating exposure of the A/OM... My story:

Baby Daddy exposed to me three times. It did NOT bust the affair but it did drive it underground for a time and ultimately led to H moving out and leaving MC.

Baby Daddy threatened to beat my H -- and has the means and temperament to do it -- H laughed at him. Mattered not at all, and H attempted to teach Baby Daddy the Fine Art of Quality Manhood to boot.

If H had lost his job over this, maybe it would have stopped the affair (because his means of communication with her *might* be reduced) but it would definitely have caused hardship to me and my three kids.

Behold, the glories of exposure. Don't bother.

[mustardseed]

I love your Harry Potter musings. There is always lots of gray. I have a hard time with understanding the gray. I can love too much and I can hate too much, but getting to the point of accepting that he is who he is, and right now he isn't for me is very tough for me. I spend the weekend away from him hating him--called the lawyer to make an appointment (but she wasn't in the office so I will have to call again tomorrow, and then I saw him and my heart warmed again. Why? He isn't being nice to me, but he isn't being nasty. My paranoia from the weekend that he was hanging out with other women subsided as soon as I came home and it was almost like that was enough to make me second guess my decision to file. Who cares if he is having an A or not? Who cares if he still is capable of being a decent human being in certain situations? Those are not reasons to stay in a marriage.

I think I need to go back to goal setting. Not to save my marriage, but to end it. I was doing that over the summer and I was in a really good place. But then he reeled me back in just long enough for me to forget those goals and this last heartache has sent me into a bad pattern of focusing more on him than me. Because I am so angry, and bitter, and resentful, and impatient and I feel the need to hate--to block out any hint of gray or white and just see the black. But all I am doing is making myself miserable.

[labug]

Where does my speech about his integrity come from? Two years of lying about OW, lying in therapy, making speeches to his affair partner's baby daddy about how the *baby daddy* ought to be a man his daughter can look up to, changing his FB page to keep his friends in the dark about his behavior, not telling anyone we're separated, and signing up for online dating while married. Sigh. Someone tell me what I'm here for???

Ahhh again, we miscommunicate I was asking where does all that fear originate and why you think you can't deal with his possible actions.

Only you can answer why you're here but whether the marriage is saved of not, you can still be a success story.

You're well on your way.

[Underdog]

Hey folks!

In response to Bug's teflon comments and observations, this is a passage I got in my inbox yesterday from the Daily OM:

There will always be factors and people that we cannot control; how we respond can determine the quality of our lives.

There are many stories of spiritual masters embracing the presence of an annoying student in their community. There is even one story that documents a teacher paying an irritating person to live among his students. From an everyday perspective, this is difficult to comprehend. We generally work hard to avoid people and things that we find annoying so they don’t bother us.

From a deeper spiritual perspective, however, irritation can be an important teacher and indicator that we are making progress on our path. Being able to remain centered and awake even when we feel uncomfortable is much more impressive than doing so in an environment where everything is to our liking. No matter how good we are at controlling our circumstances, there will always be factors and people that we cannot control. How we respond to these experiences to a great degree determines the quality of our lives. The goal of spiritual development is not to learn to control our environment—which is more of an ego-driven desire. And while having some measure of control over our external reality is important, it is when we are confronted with a person or situation that irritates us and we can choose not to react that we know have made progress spiritually. It is when we have mastered our internal reality that we will have become the masters of our lives.

The more we try to eliminate annoyances, instead of learning to handle them gracefully, the further we get from developing the qualities that come with spiritual growth, such as patience, tolerance, and acceptance. It is often in the presence of people and experiences we find annoying that we have an opportunity to develop these qualities. Fortunately for most of us, our lives offer an abundance of opportunities to practice and cultivate these traits.

And in regards to Harry Potter, I love the gray you point out. I live in a gray world. Some things are black and white, but most things are really double edged swords. BTW, I'm pretty sure Harry, Ron and Hermione were snippy because they were hormonal teenagers!

I'm really struggling to understand it. Is it because I never understood him well because he didn't express himself in a way I understood? Or was I really awful? But I have my own side to that, and while I acknowledge there were times and ways I was difficult, we both kind of laughed about being pains in our own particular ways. Or is it MLC and a thing that just descended on us? Or is he truly fatally flawed?

Well, we're *all* flawed. We are a sum of our upbringings and experiences. Those flaws have a way of getting in the way of healthy relationships. So maybe all of the above?

I think I told you that I used to be a horrible crazymaker? A crazymaker is someone who creates drama to manage it - for a variety of reasons. Mine was that it was the only way I could control outcomes. I'd set the fires so I could put them out, so to speak. I didn't even know why or even when it originated, but it was something I learned when I was young. I drove my BF's crazy, and I drove my XH absolutely insane. He despised it. Yet, I couldn't see it. I saw it when I was ready to see it. And I had to dig deep to figure out why and what need and fear it was addressing. And then I stopped doing it. I live a relatively drama free life now, and I absolutely hate it when it drops in my lap. I've become drama intolerant.

And yes, I did take a TON of responsibility for his feelings. I know better now intellectually, but it's a hard habit to even identify, let alone break.

Have you considered addressing this topic all by itself with a qualified counselor who works with addicts and co-dependents? Codependency is its own addiction. Bug and I have both had to do this work. The only way out is through. There's hope, Maybell!

On the other hand, lashing out is WAY healthier than bottling for years on end.

Actually, my former IC would disagree. They are both completely inappropriate responses to fear. Both are hurtful. Bottling is emotionally dishonest, but lashing out is a cruel way to manage anger. Passive aggressive or a rager? Who'd want to choose one? They're both scary.

Where does that anger come from, Maybell? It's telling you something is not well and needs to be addressed. Yes, your H is deceitful. I understand that one. But that teflon Bug mentioned can come into play. His behavior choices are not you or an indicator of who you are or your value system. Can you blur some of those lines so that you can get to a gray here?

Hugs, and Merry Christmas!

p.s. Choose George instead of Fred!

[Maybell]

Lord, when it rains it pours.

I got an email tonight from that almost abusive definitely bad news boyfriend from 22 years ago. I have literally not heard from since I was 20. Why tonight? I don't like that he knows my married name.

Seriously, I do not create this drama. It finds me. Why????

[vossy]

Ignore it. You don't have to respond.

[Maybell]

Oh, I did. It just was a shock, and the timing is very strange.

[gan]

And if you can...LAUGH about it!