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A Message from Michele
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Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: nit84] #2526626
01/13/15 08:06 PM
01/13/15 08:06 PM
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nit84 Offline OP
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nit84  Offline OP
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Starsky,

I have a question for you in complex's thread specifically post #2526575 you suggest to him that he confront his W in a certain Manner.

As you know I have confronted my W but not in the way you suggested to Complex. My way was very doormattish. Could I still attempt something like this or is it too late?

I think I could do something like this.

I just need to make not look like pursuit or neediness


I would love your thoughts on this


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: nit84] #2527181
01/15/15 02:47 AM
01/15/15 02:47 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: nit84
Starsky,

I have a question for you in complex's thread specifically post #2526575 you suggest to him that he confront his W in a certain Manner.

As you know I have confronted my W but not in the way you suggested to Complex. My way was very doormattish. Could I still attempt something like this or is it too late?

I think I could do something like this.

I just need to make not look like pursuit or neediness


I would love your thoughts on this




Nit, let me read up thread for your recent context, and I'll try to give you my take. I'm reeling today myself, as we lost my wife's dad today and we were extremely close.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: Starsky309] #2527190
01/15/15 03:05 AM
01/15/15 03:05 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Train Offline
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Soooooo incredibly sorry to hijack, nit. Please forgive me for just one moment ...

Starsky, (((((hugs)))))). Big, ginormous ones from this heart that is hurting for you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your precious family. The timing absolutely blows. I will be praying for peace for your W ... and for God to give YOU the strength you need to not only grieve the loss of someone you love but to be able to (simultaneously and once again) be an unmovable pillar of strength for W.

nit, I'll read through your threads myself. But when Starsky talks, I always agree with him. So I'll likely have nothing to add. smirk wink Sometimes I ramble behind him. But mostly, my advice would be to just listen to him if/when he can scoot back by with advice.

Hang in there ... BOTH of you.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: Train] #2527196
01/15/15 03:12 AM
01/15/15 03:12 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Thanks, Train. I SO wish I could find you in the alt; have you sought the DB or Not DB group on FB?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: Starsky309] #2527238
01/15/15 04:41 AM
01/15/15 04:41 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Train Offline
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Train  Offline
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I haven't, Starsky! Never knew it existed. I'll look for it. But that's not promising I'll find it ... though I'd love to find y'all there, too!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: Train] #2527321
01/15/15 02:00 PM
01/15/15 02:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
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nit84 Offline OP
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I am extremely sorry for your loss Starsky, Please know I will pray for you and your family.

Train no worries about the Hijack. I know you and Starsky have a bond. I also value your opinion on things very much add what you can.


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: nit84] #2528612
01/19/15 12:34 AM
01/19/15 12:34 AM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
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nit84 Offline OP
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Well I saw the W at a function at the club we belong to.

I gave her space and she did the same for me. We acknowledged each other as she came around selling things for our Relay for Life team(well I guess it hers now that I wasn't asked to participate last year).

She also went around selling 50/50 tickets and I bought some. She stood at our table talking to the people I sat with in a friendly manner but those people thought is was faked.

I said I couldn't tell. Her family sort of surprised me a bit. When I walked in W Grandma waved back as I waved to her but when we stood right next to each and I said "Hi Grandma" She ignored me or didn' t hear me. W Uncle did shake my hand and said it was good to see me. I believe he was sincere and that makes feel a little better.

My MIL kept shooting dirty looks to a female I was sitting with according to my friend. I said "if it bothers you I will sit elsewhere" she said "absolutely not". I stayed put and our table had a fine time.

I left before the party was over as I was tired and finished dinner.

All in all, it was a good day but it seems that there a definite division of mutual friends. This is the 3rd time I was at that club since Jan 2014 so either my W is saying things or it is my MIL. It really doesn't matter to me what was said to make those friends choose sides because I know the truth about everything and that is good enough for me.


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: nit84] #2528643
01/19/15 02:36 AM
01/19/15 02:36 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 841
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HPoirot Offline
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Just wanted to say sorry for your loss Starsky.

Nice job nit showing poise with W's relations.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: HPoirot] #2531674
01/27/15 11:56 PM
01/27/15 11:56 PM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
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nit84 Offline OP
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nit84  Offline OP
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My L sent a letter to my W L telling them that I can no longer afford to pay all the Marital Debt and the Mortgage and pay the court ordered Spousal Support.

Therefore, I am seeking my W consent to sell the Marital home. This is something I never wanted to do but my W played her cards correctly I guess and now is forcing me to do something she said back last Summer that was not her desire.


By putting the house on the market I will use my W figure since that is what they think it is worth. If we get that amount I suppose I can afford another home.


I suspect that the amount that we will get will 1/2 of what my W wants to get.

In between is where the house was appraised and I was able to get financing on my own to refinance the house. All my W had to do was sign a paper that she was aware I was borrowing money against a house she was part owner of. This would not had put the house in my name only but my W felt this made it too easy for me to get the house at some later point.

She doesn't want the house and has told me this on several occasions but it has become apparent that she also does not want me to have the house either even though she communicated to me 7 months ago that I should see if I was eligible to refinance if it was my desire to keep the home.


This is the frustrating part of everything, I have come to terms with my the fact my W does not want to be M to me, she is an A and probably will be for a lot longer, but is holding up the D attempting to get outrageous amounts of money.

It really rings of someone who has a great deal of resentment. I know I cant control what she feels and I only control how I react to certain things and short of caving in to her demands I am in Financial limbo until she decides it has been long enough.


I do not want to D but I am not roadblocking it and never have. I, at some points, wanted to but never did.

This process has taught me a lot about myself and has changed me for the better from now on. I still want my W to try and attempt to work on the M but if it doesn't happen so be it and we should both move on.


I wont date till I am D but I believe in every other facet I have moved on. I see a future without my W but also without a reasonable amount of Money that split between us. I will make more money. It is getting to my future in "ok" fashion that I am fighting for now.


I will see if this letter gets any response in moving things forward and take it from there.

It is weird though, I still feel that the final chapter of our M hasn't been written yet and there is still room for a happy ending if I had the pen in hand.





Thoughts welcome on how maybe I can get the process moving forward even though it is not what I truly want to see happen.



Thank You


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: afraid I have waited too long #5 [Re: nit84] #2533135
01/31/15 11:23 PM
01/31/15 11:23 PM
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
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nit84 Offline OP
Member
nit84  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 511
My W still or more like it her L hasn't responded to my request to get my W consent to sell the M home.

I really don't want to get any closer to D but I know there is no stopping it so I am just trying to protect myself Financially.


According to sources My W is getting closer to GOD in some ways which is encouraging to me. Not necessarily so my W may come back but because it may allow her forgive me possibly and let go of the resentment that I feel she is holding for me.

I am happy that she did this on her own. I asked her a couple times when she was still living here to go to church with me and she declined so her doing it own may allow her faith to be real and grow and not forced upon her.

I am not on the rollercoaster of emotion but I am happy and sad at the same time but I realize that my sadness is selfish and I need to keep the happy in mind because maybe what my W is doing at the moment faith wise will help her find some peace about us and maybe, just maybe allow her to stop her A and then somewhere down the line seek a renewed R with me.

That is my hope but I am also realistic about the dire straits of our sitch.


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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