The book of Lou - Chapter 2

[LouR]

Thank you gwen and job

job - thank you for saying what you feel life for my h is probably like - I feel so torn with my feelings atm. Its a complete mixed bag and I know all of you here understand and have felt it. Marry her omg, I have not got past the fact he is even with her yet - it absolutely kills me inside.

Have you given any thought to doing some volunteer work at the local hospital or senior citizen's home? Maybe volunteer at the local library or school? These would not only provide you w/some activities to keep you busy, but also give you experience as well.

I don't want to sound negative - I thank you for all your suggestions and please keep them coming -

I live in a very small and isolated village - atm all that is open is a small newsagent, a small grocery store, a post office, a cafe and a pub. The main trade is tourism - surfing and beach go'ers - all the shops, cafe's, bars and campsites open in March. The nearest place to me is 30 mins away on a very unreliable bus service. We do have a village school and a play group - I have asked if I can help out in anyway and left my number. No library, hospital or nursing home near - I have enquired at the dr's about driving people to appointments and was told they don't provide that service any longer. Its really is like bashing my head against a brick wall. A few places told me that I need a police check done before they allow me to do any kind of work involving people - terrible society we live in nowadays - that we have to do this; that there are so many untrustworthy people out there that it has impacted on those of us who are genuine and want to help.

I will get some work, it will happen, just have to be patient and wait until feb when everyone starts looking for seasonal staff.

Until then I will drink lots of tea and walk the beach lots of times

[LouR]

Nero - we must have been posting at the same time, I have just seen your post !

Thank you as always.

Clovelly - not very far from me, which prob means you have been to where I live :o) other side -

(i do reserve the right to be a screaming whining mess tomorrow should something new arise - i am not claiming total "victory" (YET)...I'M Just sayin - this minute it's new and i appreciate it.

Lol, I think we are all like that - day by day nero, day by day.

back at your stage (for me) i just "kept busy" and tried not to think. just move move move - keep breathin - sheesh. i shudder to think back. if you're alive and here- you're doing great. i'm not kidding

This is pretty much how I am surviving all of this - but I do worry that I am not dealing with the shock/grief process properly and that I am burying it by keeping busy -

i do actually feel like my "new life" is beginning - but it's more in my head than anything anyone can see - even me. a feeling. i just feel differently- all on it's own - and i even wonder what i'll do next.

I am so happy to read this nero - it seems easy to get stuck waiting for something to happen with h and your r. Only you know when its time to say enough and sounds like you are reaching that point?

i do wonder if h packs it in for good with me - will i go thru all that again? i don't think i could ever be as surprised and miserable as i was - i've become more accustomed to the notion of being on my own and i'll endure whatever happens and get thru it. i feel loosely optimistic, yet apathetic about the future - (oh yeah- - whoever said whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger sure knew what they were talking about). that's exactly how it feels.

You never know what ....or who ... is around the corner. Try keep an open mind nero, you may be pleasantly surprised

it's hard after a lifetime of worrying about all the other guys in your life first. I like myself well enough and am good company- but that isn't the issue is it? really. like you - he'd pop into my head a million times a day - he's part of your life. the biggest part. that doesn't disappear quickly- someone being incorporated in your life completely for soooo long.

I really identify with this quote. I can't imagine him not being in my head, the movie not playing on loop. I can't imagine me ever not loving him or wanting him in my life so badly. H was my rock, my bf, my everything - which is probably why I feel so much pain, I put my all in to him and my boys and did not leave anything over for me. I feel just utter utter sadness that this has happened to us, to him - as this is not him - the caring, loving man who would once upon a time have done anything for anyone, has turned into someone who if it does not benefit him, then he does not want to know. I want him to return - more for him, as he was a much nicer guy before this happened ..... No one in the village can believe it, everyone is stunned, we were the model couple - always happy and loved up.

Its s17 18th tomorrow - I am skyping with him - I know I in for a few down days as it pains me to not be there celebrating with him. He is still staying with h as s17 wants h to buy his first pint .... well legal pint ha ha. Then s flys back home on Tuesday, takes his full driving test wed. He is out with friends celebrating his 18th next weekend. I feel so sad I am missing out on all this - but it was my choice to come to the UK over this time, so I should not moan.

Anywhoo, thanks nero, you are a rock - ((hugs))

[LouR]

Went to a RollerDisco last night with some girlfriends - hilarious; I have not been on rollerskates since I was a teenager lol. It was a very fun night and I came home with all limbs intact - bonus

I just skyped with S18 ....saying 18 now omg. He is 18 today - he said they are all going out for dinner tonight (not sure who "they" are, didn't ask). He goes back home on Tuesday, seems organised with somewhere to live which is good - I feel a little happier now.

S20 was with him, so got to say hello to him too which was lovely. He told me he is getting internet next week so will be able to skype with me from his house instead of having to keep going to his dads - less awkward for both of us -

Had a very lazy day - the weather has been terrible so no walk today - lots of journaling and watching movies; trying to distract from the movie playing in my head. Maddening.

[job]

Lou,
I'm glad you a fun night out. Glad to see that all of your limbs are still intact. It just goes to show that even though you haven't been on skates in a long time, you still can do it. In my area, we don't have any roller skating rinks any longer. The interest in that died down a long time ago and yet, it's good exercise and fun at the same time. Kids today don't know what they are missing.

Happy belated birthday to your son. Sounds like he's getting his life in order and was having some fun w/friends on his birthday. Your S20 also sounds like things are moving along quite nicely for him too and once he gets internet service, you both will enjoy talking to one another more frequently. This will help you a lot, I think.

The weather here isn't the best today, but it looks like towards the end of the week we'll be in the upper 50's. Now, that's a heat wave for us. I hope your weather improves too.

Lou, I'm glad to see that you are taking care of yourself. Journaling is a great way to get your thoughts down on paper and a year from now, you can go back and read what you posted and see just how far you have come. It's a one step forward, two step back dance for a while...but eventually, you will be going forward and on to a new life w/o even realizing it.

Take care.

[nero]

hey lou-

i was thinking of you last nite- but too lazy to get out of bed (burrrr) and go downstairs and find laptop.

This is pretty much how I am surviving all of this - but I do worry that I am not dealing with the shock/grief process properly and that I am burying it by keeping busy -

i'd say quit worrying about how you're "dealing" with this crappola. it's the worst most damaging thing that's ever happened in your life- why in the world would you know what is the "rite" things to be doing and do them quickly? it's like being hit by a car - by surprise - and suddenly finding yourself in the hospital flat on your back and your life in danger. no kidding- .... so try and take a step badk. (mind you- i found it hard as heck and woke up night after night with my brain demanding I "decide" something, "do" something, "gal", what have you. this forum is very darn good for ranting and being understood - which i think helps quite alot. knowing we are not the only ones that felt our world fell off the planet and we were in pain and afloat-

THE BAD NEWS is that sometimes it seems like a ton of rules and orders and guidelines and things we need to do or feel or know. it's not like that imho - we all are different and do it all differently, at a different speed, or whatever. even our mental image of it is different. i am disappointing i'm sure to alot of people - who would have liked me to walk away immediately- or then, almost immediately.

i don't think dbing is like that. in the book mwd says it may take 6 months, 6 years .... that's the "journey" bit - no one alive (even you) can guess how your journey will go, your h's either. no one can tell how long - how hard - how easy, etc. he's playing it by ear just like you - and certainly the rest of us have no room to boss you around. it's however you want to play it - . So- maybe try and quit demanding of yourself what you can't possibly do.

The fact that you're alive, here and journaling and trying to get thru each day is enough. ENOUGH for now. it's the only thing you can do- when your heart or brain has a little change - or perk-up - or step forward - it will pretty mujch happen without "you" even knowing probably. just one day you'll notice something different (better hopefully) in your attitude, or actions or something. you can't rush it- you can't make "it" happen - you are (gag gag ) completely powerless really here. all you can do is preserve yourself and plod along like some dumb beast - unknowing and in pain - one foot in front of the other. there isn't really a one-size-fits-all "ANSWER" either. it's just a huge unknown thing out there ripping your life and brain and heart apart- and you can't even face the enemy and fight.

the nebulous nature of it all is wh at makes us crazy i think. y ou are at the very very beginning. (unless a miracle occurs and your h awakes) (not such a good thing to even begin to think that). maybe all of us saying you'll feel better SOMEDAY makes you feel rushed to get there. you can't. your hands are really tied here- just keep writing out what you feel, doing things and forcing yourself to keep moving and keep partricipating in life around you- just do your best with that. it's all you can do- care for yourself and make you keep moving. as far as demanding of yourself answers and sollutions, etC - FUTILE. TREAT YOURSELF AS KINDLY AS YOU WOULD A FRIEND IN TROUBLE.

LIKE you and tons of folks, i'm hard on myself too- try and work on your mental attitude of that. thik of a l ittle injured animal- seriously injured animal and treat you like that.

it's jerky sounding- but maybe just try to tell self to slow down and keep just moving along in your own life. the notion of it all being out of your hands (except for what you're doing- trying to db & see) stinks and is very very hard to swallow. that too will come- some kind of recognition that isn't too threatrening and sickening. well, it is totally threatening and sickening - but just keep reminding your self you're alive and healthy (could have been worse , like an accident that lfet you paralysed). no kidding- list the good things, yourkids, brains, swell self, health - all things not to be taken lightly.

okay- off the band wagon here- be kind to you- no need to rush... no point.

the job- boy do i get that. the no experience, but can't get a job to get some. i feel a hundred years old when i think that far back. something will turn up eventually. dopey and trite- but probably true. we just plug along- run into someone, take a turn off that way; get an idea - take a little jog that way; can't know what will happen or come along that will head you in some other direction.

bohy- i sound nutty today don't i? well, i felt like i was going crazy for quite a long time over this. sometimes i still wonder or worry that i in fact am, and am not knowing it. just keep walkin, writin, talkin & reminding yourself how happy you are to have a body that is healthy. it's something...

okay- you're doing good. still breathing today- and went skating to boot. yay hang on man- you can do it.

xxoo (( )) clovelly was on the very first ever trip we took to england. h had found out about it- my knees wobbled going down as well as up (and i was a heck of alot younger)

he was mentioning tyraveling again this spring (we haven't been to europe since 2010. (long time) he ruined it(for me anyway) by being all on his stupid laptop allll the time in evenings - i did not know about ow and EVERYTHING back then. only that we had a 'disconnect" that was making me feel awful all the time and i had no idea why. thought it was his retirement & life issues because he just lied and lied.

oh man- seems like fifty million years ago. i like to travel and appreciate gesture(?) - is it a gesture really? but dr ead it too. you know, the "what ifs". gotta quit it and remain open minded.

you too- stop now if you can with asking self "how could he" and "when did this begin" ; why does he?/??? all that junk. i'm not sure if you can - i couldn't well in beginning- i plagued myself with thinking and figuring and all that. if possible- try and empty brain- oh yeah, stomach crunches. keep that old brain from thinkiing while it's recuperating (well, trying)

anwyay=- shortbread dunked in lemon curd; real cream allover the place and poured over sponge cake - yummmmmmmmm - totally totally big ole fish&chip battered old giant snausage with chips; i even love those goppy chips- what? me a chow hound? how will i ever re-lose those stupid six lbs?

idk - one crisis at a time huh? i do love england .

it's uncomfortable as heck to wait and wait to feel better. I'm sorry to report i don't believe there is any "quick" goin on in this process. "journey" is the rite word - because it's long and winding and who knwos where the end is.

maybe if you can view it as a physical injury- nothing heals as quickly as we'd like.

[LouR]

Nero - thank you, your writing is so healing, I love finding I have a post from you ....and everyone else for that matter, you are all so wonderful, I feel so grateful and humbled to have found such a caring group of people.

So just wanted to describe to you what is currently in front of me - as I think you may "get it"

I am sitting in a comfy chair, looking out my bedroom window - it looks directly onto the beach and the sea, the hills and one point that encloses the bay. Today is a rainy day and the clouds are grey and thick in the sky - I opened my laptop and there was your post (nero) ....and you know, the strangest thing ... a small opening in the clouds formed and the sun started to stream through, it looked like the heavens opening and rays of light shone down onto the hills and sea concentrated in one place. Most surreal - like saying to me, hey look, I am watching and listening to you and your questions - you have the answers inside you, you know they are there, and when the time is right ..and not before ... the answers will reveal themselves.

So thats my profound moment for the day :o)

Clovelly - lovely lovely place - twee. Did you know they have a landrover that can take you back up the hill !! I just love the harbour and the pub at the bottom - oh and the little shops and the donkeys on the way down - sadly its become a bit over tourist now with a huge spaceship looking visitors centre at the top but once you leave the airlock its like entering a different world. Devon & Cornwall is beautiful and the scenery so diverse - harsh and dramatic landscape, yet twee and picturesque with little stone villages, beautiful bays and green hills and many fables of shipwrecks, lost souls and love ... sounds like my life ha ha .....

I know I am useless at this being kind to myself mylarky, it is not natural to me ...typical british ..Keep Calm and Carry On lol. I will get there - I have such safety net of support around me - I know that I am luckier than most. I just need to allow people to help me - I have given for so many years, I need to allow others to give back to me - thats what friendship is about.

Shortbread dunked in Lemon Curd omg that sound so yummy and indulgent - especially if it really gooooood lemon curd :o) For me its Jaffa Cakes - I have missed them so much that I have over done them a bit since coming back !!

Right, enough waffle, all this food talk has made me hungry.

[LouR]

Having a moment -

Skyped with S20 this morning, he is staying at his dads house for a few days to look after the dogs.

H has taken ow away on a holiday :o(

Also - she has moved in. They have bought new furniture and its now "their" home. She shares custody of her children so they are there part time.

s20 said he is always seems to be spending money and buying stuff. He said that he feels his dad is not really happy and getting irritated with her kids being around and to him they don't seem "that" happy. But I wonder if he is just saying that to make me feel better about what is going on.

S20 asked me how I was, saying that that is what is important, as what his d is up to is crazy and not important. He said he has given up trying to talk to his d about it all as he just shuts him down saying "its my life".

Turns out that they did all spend s18 birthday together :o(

He asked if I was going to move back - I said that he and s18 are my priority so yes I will be moving back, and this is just about having time away from his d -

Idk, I am gutted he has moved her in - that has really been a twist in the knife. Its so fast - I am so shocked.

We keep saying that we never know what tomorrow will bring - I did not expect this one when I went to bed yesterday !

[NLW]

Oh Lou, I am so sorry...
I have been just where you are - the shock of these things and the speed with which they are done is so unbelievable.

Please keep in mind that this is how this craziness typically unfolds. I've seen it so often on here.

It's just what those who are in this type of crisis (or whatever it is) do.

It doesn't help at all, I know; it still is so hard to take.

We are gutted, but we get through. We have kids and we have our own lives to lead. We go on.

And we thank god that we are not these men who used to be fathers and husbands.

[job]

Lou,
I'm very sorry to read about what has happened, but as NLW, pointed out, this is generally how the crisis unfolds. It's going to take many months, even years for things to get sorted out in his mind and heart. He allowed the ow to move in and now he's going to have to tolerate her children. That may get old fast and the arguments will begin...but...time will tell on that little situation.

Sometimes when they are around each other day end and day out, the fantasy of that new life together will grow boring and the light of day will expose all of the warts and imperfections of the two of them. Maybe this is a good thing so that all of this can finally play out and allow reality to set in. The man has lost the most wonderful woman, a relationship that was good and eventually the respect of his sons and for what? Something new? Doesn't make sense, but the crisis and what they do doesn't make sense...so with that being said, leave him to his mess and you continue to focus on you and the healing process. Okay?

Lou, you are going to be okay, just give yourself the time and space to heal.

[123Gwen]

Hugs for you Lou. I wish I had answers or comfort. All I can say is that job is correct. You are a wonderful woman. It is obvious in the way you are handling the toughest of situations with grace, love and optimism.

Time for healing and reinvention creeps so slowly. I wish the process wasn't so painful but know you have lots and lots of support here. I suspect you have more support out in the real world too. Sometimes it is very hard for others to say the correct thing at a time when the situation is so irrational.