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A Message from Michele
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Re: Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated. [Re: luvmypg] #2520924
12/27/14 08:00 AM
12/27/14 08:00 AM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
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BFloat Offline
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BFloat  Offline
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I'm not sure... I don't know whether you are saying what you think you should be saying. Maybe it's because I'm missing the back story? How was your marriage before you found out about the affair?

I laughed at your story about OM being a virgin. It's fascinating the different things people will say. smile

I'm glad you're feeling good. It seems that most of us will go through some extreme highs and lows before things start to level out.

As for Christmas... Nobody can say for sure what is right or wrong. You sort of try a few things on and then figure out what is right for you. The focus is always.. What is helping you to change to be a better person?

Whatever happened with OM's wife? Did you call her?


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Re: Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated. [Re: BFloat] #2521049
12/28/14 12:30 AM
12/28/14 12:30 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 34
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luvmypg Offline OP
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luvmypg  Offline OP
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barley floating -- THANKS! I thought this thread needed a defibrillator. In order to get concise answers I will give concise feedback:

The back story to our marriage in my original post, I think? You saying this makes me wonder if I even did a got job laying that out. With that, the first nine years or our relationship, first five married were good from my end. She was an amazing wife. I have no complaints until, perhaps, Janurary-February of this year, when she started to change, from what now appears to have been detachment.

I think she would tell you that there is A LOT about the marriage she didn't like NOW but I think that comes from her rationalization during detachment. I think we had a great marriage, with a lot of fun and trips together, real quality time together. Then we had our D, who was actually an accident (even for a married couple! We thought she could bot get prego). D is amazing but has tested us in the relationship and that's when the cracks probably started. Ever since D started walking (we use to take her out all the time when she was still in the 'bucket') it has been a lot of work and we have not made enough time for each other.

I am confident she was 'unhappy' with how things were in Janurary-February of this past year but was not far gone from how she felt, the she "misses us terribly". 2013 was a busy work year for me and our marriage suffered. I do feel a sense of ownership for that but only up to that point. When I first found out about the OM and we went to MC, I took on WAY more responsibility for our problems, which I have since pulled back from BUT she doesn't know that because we are not talking about anything other than our D! Do I need to tell her this? I don't think it matters right now. It's only been six weeks and I am not a priority for her right now. *FEEDBACK PLEASE*

Looking back to the spring, when I began to realize her disconnect, I made attempts to improve the marriage. She never gave me feedback that it was wrong or too late, or not what she needed. It was like we were separated in a crown and when I turned to try and find her, she was a mile up the road and not looking back. We had some 'good' moments, like birthdays and get togethers with friends but I think she's been emotionally gone for a long time. It makes me really sad to realize this and write about it because in typical fashion, I didn't realize what was happening until it was so late in the game. I f-cking loved that girl so much but I am so sure she doesn't exist anymore. It is like another soul is living in my wife's body because when I see her and talk to her, it literally has no affect on me. No kidding, this is the honest to god truth.

So THAT'S the back story.

For Christmas, I relaxed at home while she took D to her parents. We met later that evening so I could take D home and she went back to parents. I am glad I did not go. My sense tells me that she wants me in her life, for family etc, but not has her husband. In my mind I am either her husband, or ex-husband and amicable father to our D. I don't think she should be allowed to pick the things she likes and leaves behind the things she does not. There are a lot of things about my wife that I overlooked for ten years because I accepted her for her. Anything else to me seems unreasonable. *FEEDBACK PLEASE*

GREAT morning with D, soccer and time at the before WAW came home and we swapped. For me, today has been a weird day. Can't pin a name on the emotion but spent time thinking about how to handle the off chance WAW does try and come back, because every day that goes by, I feel more and more like I don't want her back. I don't know her anymore. I don't know if I like her as a person. She has done a lot of damage and wonder if she'd do it again. I don't want to subject my daughter's childhood on a confusing relationship with her parents. *FEEDBACK PLEASE*

I have not contacted the OM's wife. I am totally capable of handling that, I have even met her a few times. What I DO NOT want right is someone that might become dependent on me (what should we do!?) or another side show to deal with. I am focused on #1 D, #2 me, #3 work, #4 church (catholic) and feel like I have a full plate.

That's all from here. LOVE any and all feedback! It means way more than you probably know. THANK YOU!!

_________________________
Me:44. WAW:35.
Amazing Daughter 2.5
M:5.5. Together for 10.
Bomb dropped:11/11/14
Separated:11/30/14

Re: Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated. [Re: luvmypg] #2521050
12/28/14 12:33 AM
12/28/14 12:33 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 34
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luvmypg Offline OP
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luvmypg  Offline OP
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Dude...my posts are ridiculously long. Am I driving people crazy with that??

Re: Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated. [Re: luvmypg] #2521821
12/30/14 07:43 PM
12/30/14 07:43 PM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
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unbidden Offline
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Try posting in Newcomers instead. You will get more responses there. Also, try to ask specific questions instead of just for generic feedback. Take care and hang in there. This is a marathon, not a sprint, as they say smile

Re: Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated. [Re: unbidden] #2521844
12/30/14 08:56 PM
12/30/14 08:56 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 63
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Vince H Offline
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Vince H  Offline
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Posts: 63
Question. And I'm asking this because I'm going through it myself. But why would you even want her back after she left you to go live with somebody else?


Me:39 Her:35
Daughter: 6
Married: 11
Together: 13
D-day: 5.7.14
She left: 1.26.14
Status: Separated
Re: Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated. [Re: Vince H] #2521914
12/31/14 02:15 AM
12/31/14 02:15 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 34
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luvmypg Offline OP
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Vince H...

She's not yet living with the OM, that I am aware of, she stays with her folks when not taking her turn at home with our daughter. The question, regardless of geography, is still a very good one because (the answer) is I am not sure if I want her back. Worse still, I move closer to that feeling, of not wanting her back with every day that passes. It has only been six weeks. One only wonders where I will be at the three or four month mark and so on...

All I know is that if we get divorced it will be HER decision, just like the other decisions she's made. She will need to live with that one too. I have retained and visited w/ family attorney a few times and there is ZERO benefit to me initiating the 'big D'. We have a very 50/50 marriage so there is nothing to loose, other than the ability to say later, many years later, that I was not the one that threw in the towel.

What's your story, Vince?

Re: Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated. [Re: luvmypg] #2521915
12/31/14 02:19 AM
12/31/14 02:19 AM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 34
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luvmypg Offline OP
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luvmypg  Offline OP
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Vince -- apologies. Its not all about me. I will read your posts and find out what your situation is. It looks like you have a few months 'head start' from me so if you have suggestions, I am all ears.

Re: Wife having affair with boss. We are seperated. [Re: luvmypg] #2527834
01/16/15 03:14 PM
01/16/15 03:14 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 63
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Vince H Offline
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Vince H  Offline
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Posts: 63
The only suggestions I have are to follow the [url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2230603][/url] 37 rules, and to update your sig.


Me:39 Her:35
Daughter: 6
Married: 11
Together: 13
D-day: 5.7.14
She left: 1.26.14
Status: Separated
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