Mozza 1 - 2009 near-separation, search for explanations. Mozza 2 - OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W. Mozza 3 - OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date. Mozza 4 - Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM Mozza 5 - W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email
My story After 9.5 years together, my W announced in early September that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said I was criticizing her too much, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. A week later, she had moved out. A month and a half later, she revealed that she was going out with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD (after a year of job-seeking). He's a good listener, 10 years younger than me, better-looking and athletic. He'd been courting her from week 1 and was omnipresent throughout her move. It didn't come as a surprise when she told me they were together. He left his gf to be with my W. He's moving in with her in January. My kids know and like him.
DBing I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, though I go back between full responsibility and the impression that OM shouldn't have courted a married W with 2 kids and that she should have told me and resisted. In any case, the only useful path is to reflect on my changes. I need to be less critical and less dismissive of my W's emotions. She had voiced her pain several times before the BD and none of her reasons to leave me (she didn't mention OM) were new to me. I had ignored her and she was hopeless that thing could improve. There was more fighting than average in the months leading to BD. She said we were incompatible.
I'm good at being silent and distant, so much that she once called me to ask why I was so hard to reach. The "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me because it means doing nothing. What I'm not so good at is acting normal and upbeat around her and what I'm awful is detaching. I've recently been told that I act as a "wet noodle" with her because I'm too kind to her gestures, like banter emails and hugs. I'll try to work on this. My kids (D6, D3) take to the separation as if nothing happened. _________________________________________________
Success stories Feel free to make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
The topic of the last few posts in Mozza 5 was: Can you nice your W back into the M? I'm engaging W every time she emails me, sometimes just for banter. It's something she liked with me and I was hoping to remind her that it's still all there. But in parallel, she's moving forward full speed with OM, even having him move into her apartment in January.
Wonka responded by endorsing what Sandi2 said to HPoirot.
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
Well, I may get switches in my Christmas stockings for saying this, but I would just have to say, "Sorry, too little too late". Then walk away. That is a truth dart that really needs to penetrate.
You see, this is just a taste she will need to experience. She has to see for herself that you are through with her. You have decided you won't take whatever crumbs she decides to leave for you. She needs to see what it must have been like for you. (Only she can't really feel the same as you did.) That is why it is important that you don't cave while she's applying this pressure.
Originally Posted By: wonka
That ^^ is the crux of the whole matter: not accepting crumbs from WAW. I hope every LBH reads this and lets that sink in in their wet noodle minds. HP, no it will signal the death knell of the M. Instead, it will signal the death knell of the Wet Noodle HP and show your W that you mean business when it comes to your boundaries.
Originally Posted By: wonka
This ^^ answers your earlier questions on what you are doing wrong. Exactly.
Can you do this with your W? Pull back and stop acting like a slobbering puppy around her.
I need to let that sink in. I'm back in my W's good graces and I still feel like she needs to see me as the person she fell in love with, which seems to be only possible if I'm a positive presence in her life. But I get that DB is counter-intuitive and that I might gain some respect from my W or that she might start to miss me if I disengage. Perhaps what I need is a Solutions Journal, as recommended by MWD, to track how she reacts to what. At the same time, I remember the words of Starsky309 (I believe): what works is what brings the WAS in the M, not what makes the WAS nice to the LBS.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, so I've been following your thread for awhile, and lately this particular conversation is extremely interesting…I've mentioned before that I'm in a similar position with my W as far as "nice-ing her way back into the M…" Just like you, I am in regular contact with my W and enjoy just..banter with her to "remind her of what it was like." But at the same time, I know that I get the crumbs from her 6 out of 7 days and of course it bothers me everyday
Originally Posted By: Mozza
what works is what brings the WAS in the M, not what makes the WAS nice to the LBS.
My thoughts on this are…do these not go hand in hand? If our WAW's continue to be a b*tch and are rude and not talking to us, does this not lead them further away from the M? Isn't it only possible to save the M once we are able to actually communicate nicely?
My W's R to OM, to my knowledge, does not seem as serious as yours but nevertheless theres still OM-she doesn't admit it. My DB coach actually recommended to me that I try and increase contact with my W by reaching out to her more often instead of letting her initiate all the time. This seems counter-intuitive to what I've been reading on all these threads here…I feel like by reaching out to her, it shows her I'm still interested (not pursuing, but friendly talk), but it also just gives her the opportunity to shut me down more when she doesn't want to talk? For example, today we were texting back and forth and then suddenly she just stops…and now, the balls back in her court and she's free to do whatever she wants and respond when she wants- its still a 1-way street, not sure if you are in this boat. Sometimes I wonder if we are just enabling our WAW's by talking to them this much because now they get us and OM…Then again, how do we show we are the "better option" by not talking to them…
What boundaries can we set to make us look and be strong and not a "wet noodle" but still maintain contact and be in wives good graces..
thoughts?
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
For the record, I'm in a rare place tonight: I guess you can call it half detached. I'm somewhat upset at W. The phrase that keeps spinning in my head is "She f-ed up". I see how she'll come to regret this, see that things were worth working out between us, that she's lost a good H. I don't feel, like I do most days, that I would take her back in a heartbeat. I feel like I can find a better partner out there, someone who's commitment means as much as mine. I don't feel the usual longing for her. There's a bar that she will have to clear if she wants back in. I usually reason that, but today I feel it.
I'm on a business trip. Everything is different around me and I'm very busy. I'm distracted by work all day. This helps a lot. I had dinner with a good friend. I told him a bit about my sitch. His advice was impressive, like he had read DB, but it was all instinct. Focus on yourself, don't think of them, you're a good person, boost your confidence, etc. Usually, I hint that I'd like W to come back, but I didn't with him and he jumped straight at it, like it's obvious she'll want back in. He wasn't saying that to please me, especially as I was more in a "she f-ed up" mood. ------
TLEE86 - I'm grateful you're following my thread. I wish I had relevant thoughts on this dilemma. I'm still processing what sandi2 and Wonka told us, because it seems to go against what I know about my W. But she's someone different now. I try to tap into that special mood I have tonight and I can tell that someone who's moving on, who's mysterious is more attractive. And attraction is what brings people together. Well, I really don't have an answer, but I'll keep thinking and writing about it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yep, I'm at the same point too. I don't know about you, but its almost comforting to be in that state of mind. W has the kids over the weekends, so I can tell you those times have always been horrible. Well, this weekend; I was actually looking forward to doing some things around the house. I went Xmas shopping for the kids, which we always liked to do together. Tonight, went out to get a tree with the kids. All I can think is what she's missing out on.
Its good to realize that we are all going to be okay no matter the outcome, just don't forget your goals. Especially be careful if you feel this way AND are on a business trip. Temptation can rear its ugly head in those cases.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I dreamed I was condemned to be executed. A nice nurse was going to administer the shot in a bland hospital room, like any vaccine, and my W and close friends were with me for support. When I realized I was really going to die, I started to wonder what part of my life I could sacrifice instead of the whole thing. I thought of my job. I panicked when I realized that all of me was going to die. The dream ended before I died. I very rarely remember my dreams.
My W is pushing my buttons. She wrote me an email at 3 am about the education of the kids. We had an agreement when together (public school) and now she's concerned about the quality of language of our kids, mentioning that we might want to send them to (expensive) private school after all. D6 is seen as a genius by her 1st grade teacher, ahead on most things. She's thriving and she has the language level appropriate for her age. The thing unsaid is that education is better in her country. Her parents have always been skeptical (to say the least) of my country and pushing for proper education in theirs. My W suffered from this pressure from her parents. Sigh. I don't want to deal with this for at least a couple of years. It's so hard outside of a normal R.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Not to hijack your thread but I'm wondering if there are any success stories in situations where the WAS has moved in with OP and then later decided the grass wasn't so green after all and went back to LBS.
I'm feeling like I need a couple pick me ups of "it's possible"!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Knowing that your W is involved with OM, you need to remove yourself as the back-up plan or as a place set that meets her need for "family."
Just focus on business and the kids. Being nice doesn't mean you slobber over W like a puppy. One can be polite and cordial without being rude or jerk.
I would cut down on interactions with W that are being used to temp check or find ways to get close in physical proximity. That needs to stop so W can sense and see that you are not going to be her sloppy seconds.
Little: There's one such success story in the making here! You should hear my parents: ab-so-lu-te-ly convinced that W will wake up and come back. I've to say, they make convincing points and it's a great boost to hear them. Other than that, have you explored the stories above in details? Many of them were very long and I'd assumed that many WAS lived with their OPs at some point Also, didn't you live with your BF? See: it can be undone, no matter the level of commitment.
paul 47 Thanks for sharing. Did your W live with her OM during that year? I like that either way, you got your happiness. If you wanted her back, you could. But you chose a different path. Would you mind telling us a bit about what brought her back? Many of us would be interested.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
