Thank you again for the responses! Everything you had to say was pretty on point with my IC as well and it really helps to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. Your support and guidance means a lot. I hope you know that!
I'm feeling okay today. Cried a few times but managed to get out of the house and put one foot in front of the other.
I actually had my first DB session yesterday and my coach even mentioned that while they do not encourage divorce, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. She mentioned that my H sounded impulsive, unstable, and even narcissistic. And that while people can change, he would have to in order for us to have a healthy M. This added a new perspective to the mix. I expected her to give me advice on how to save my marriage and better myself, but with her concerns it allowed me to see through my desperation for a moment and realize maybe I'm not the problem, and maybe some of the issues we had were bc of H's tendencies. Interesting.
How are you holding up after your D? Still have bad days?
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
H came over today to see S8 and things were a bit awkward after the last time I saw him and he told me he "felt like a dirt bag". I tried to ignore the tension in the room but it was there. H even brought it up by apologizing for the other night and saying he was sorry he freaked me out. And that he loved the sex and know he is giving me mixed signals and how hard that must be. But that he feels much better now and isn't in his head anymore.
As he was leaving I mentioned that S8 and I may have found a place. I told him it was a 1 bedroom and that I would have to give up our dog, but that it was all I could afford. He said that wasn't okay and he didn't want that for us. I started to get teary-eyed and just replied that it was fine and S8 and I would be okay. He said, no, it's not okay and that's why your crying. He also told me he wasn't rushing us out of the house and that it was just as much my home as it was his. But I told him that honestly it felt weird being here. Then he left.
I know crying isn't a part of DB and I know I probably came across as weak again, but I couldn't help it. I tried to be strong by saying all was okay when I could have lashed out at H, called him names, or even added to his guilt by throwing myself a verbal pity party. But instead I tried to smile through the tears and reinforced that I would be okay.
A part of me thinks that maybe it's okay that I showed a little emotion. I'm human right? And truthfully, all of this, everything that H is doing is NOT okay. Maybe he needed to see that. Maybe he needs to let that sink in a little.
But next time I see him, I will definitely be strong and showing off my PMA. I may have shed some tears H, but I am stronger and braver than you think.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Feeling incredibly lonely and low today. I have made so many positive changes and improvements over these last 4 months and while H has noticed them and says he gives me the "highest compliments" to everyone he talks to, I know it is still not enough. While I am happy to do these things on my own and for S8 and I, the rejection is still unbearable.
When I told him S8 and I may have found a place last night he had a shocked look on his face. He was not expecting that. Possible 180?
He was also shocked I got belay certified at the rock climbing gym. This made me feel good.
Still, every night he leaves. He goes off and lives his live and keeps the D momentum strong. I try so hard to detach, GAL and have PMA, but it's exhausting.
I struggle with the fact that it seems like H made this decision in haste and now has something to "prove" by following through. Just a month before this happened he was sending me texts telling me how happy and in love he was with me and our life. Then boom-- everything changes.
So much back and forth. I don't know how much longer I can take. The pain is unbearable and I just want it to go away.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Faith, it sounds like you're doing really well. But of course there will be lonely and low days. You're going through one of the worst experiences life can throw at you. I often find that calmness follows a really awful day, so you may have that to look forward to.
Any time you feel you can't go on, maybe do something nice for you. Even if it's just for an hour - run a nice bubble bath, have a cup of tea and read your book. Give yourself little breaks to keep on track.
But remember, your reserves aren't used up. You can do this...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You are right-- actions speak louder than words and right now his actions are saying D. Is it weird that I feel like H is walking off a cliff and I keep running after him telling him to stop, to turn back, that this isn't right? I just truly believe in my heart this is a mistake, that this isn't right. That we are giving up too easily. My IC keeps telling me to remember that this isn't my choice. But I always have this urge, this feeling, like I need to keep trying harder to keep him from making this huge mistake. I wonder if anyone else feels this way in situations like this?
It's not weird I have long felt that once my H got the idea of the D train started (he blurted it out in a way that makes it hard to believe he'd been thinking about it for "months" especially considering the week before we were having avid conversations about remodeling our basement), he just wasn't able to stop it. He even said "I don't want to go back on what I said." Sometimes I think of it as being a mistake but moreso in a "wow, he's really going to miss out, because I'm working really hard and being pretty awesome!" type of way. Other times I think "How can I possibly know if this will be a mistake or not? Can I see 5 years into the future? Can I know what is really best for us? Nope." I was reading an article yesterday written by a marriage counselor about how "couples owe it to their marriage to do everything possible before giving up, including counseling," and just yesterday even I was still thinking "hmm... what else can I do to get him to try to work on this with me?"
You know what? There isn't anything. We can't make people want to fix things or do the work if they are uninterested in change. We can do our work, and we can let them go so they can see what the life they want is like. Like Melissa said, it s*cks that it takes two people to get M but only one person has to want to end it. It's also a normal part of the grieving process to be angry - providing you do so appropriately (so, not doing things to hurt H or burn any bridges just in case, but doing things like writing angry letters that you don't send, pretending he is in a chair in front of you and saying everything you want to say to him, exercise, going somewhere where no one can hear you and screaming and crying if you have to).
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Well, today a couple who H and I are very close with got engaged. I'm so happy for them both. They deserve all the happiness in the world and I know how much this means to my girlfriend. But I can't deny its a little bittersweet. This is a couple I thought we would be lifelong friends with, raise our family with. But just as our marriage is ending theirs is full of hope and life. The world is so funny like that. I'm surprisingly okay. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. Going to work through ghe pain and pick up some gifts for them. Giving to others helps when I'm feeling down.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Buying gifts helps me too. And I had something similar with friends getting engaged recently. Life is funny.
I can see you are hurting and there is a lot of raw emotion. You are further in the grieving cycle than he is, and you have to remember you most likely always will be. From being in such a low place true personnel growth can occur. Use this all as your motivation for GAL. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your S. Even Divorce is just another opportunity... says the guy who loves his W and will be getting divorced rather soon. I am fairly certain that is the understanding that with hope and hard work all things are possible.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Really struggling today. The last 2 times I've seen H he has been cold, acting as if he's annoyed with me or upset. I realize I am not detached AT ALL because this has killed me.
H called last night while S8 and I were rock climbing (GAL) and wanted to see S8. We told him we were leaving soon and would call on our way home. About 20 minutes later, H called S8 and thought it was me who answered the phone. He was very short and rude to S8, until he realized it wasn't me and then his demeanor completely changed. He told S8 he was running to the store to get himself some dinner and wanted to know if we needed anything. S8 thought this meant he wanted to make us dinner, so he excitedly asked me what we wanted. H then told S8 to put me on the phone. He said S8 "misunderstood" him and that he was getting HIMSELF dinner but wanted to know if we needed anything from the store. I politely say no thank. For the past 2 months I have been making H dinner every night he comes over. It really bothered me that he didn't want to eat with us and even went out of his way to get his own food to cook. I get it H, I get it.
When H walked in it was very awkward. Here's our conversation:
M: Hello H H: (no response) 2 minutes later... H: Hi W (I had already said hello so I didn't say Hi again) H: Hey W M: I said hey... H: okay
The next hour or so was painful. He seem so angry, agitated, upset. I tried to lighten the mood a little and keep a PMA but he was bringing me down. When S8 when to take a shower, H and I were sitting in the living room and as soon as S8 left, H picked up his phone. Then he says "God, I'm always on my phone." This through me for a loop. H used to complain that I was always on my phone when we were together (since then it's been one of my 180s to almost never be on my phone around H) and the other day I made a playful comment to him about how he's always on HIS phone now and the tables have turned. That must have really bugged him (at the time it seemed fine) because he brought it up again in a rude sarcastic way. UGH. I tried to joke around with him some more and asked if he was cranky and he just said "no". So I killed the conversation and got up.
After S8 got out of the bath I decided to excuse myself and take a bath. I let H know that if he was leaving to have S8 let me know. He said okay and "goodnight".
About 30 minutes later I heard S8 begging him not to go so I got out of the bath and went to tuck S8 in. H said an awkward "thanks and goodnight" then walked out.
As I laid with S8 in bed he started to really struggle with the situation and have a hard time. I encouraged him to call H, to tell H how he was feeling because it's so hard for me to see him upset and feel like he has to hide this from H.
S8 sent him a text saying: "Hi H. I feel really down right now and I'm just sad". H called S8 and started talking to him. S8 immediately clammed up and wouldn't say much except that he wants answers to why this is happening in his life. H said he would tell him when he gets older, but that sometimes when you life with a person it's just hard. H said that he loves me and isn't mad at me. And that we're still friends. Then he told S8 to go to bed.
I sent H a text after that simply said "Thank you for calling him. I know it's never easy. He had a weak moment but everything is okay. Thanks for all your help". He replied and said "Of course. I know it's hard for all of us". I never replied.
At this point I almost had a breakdown. I am so angry, hurt, confused. I am in immense pain. S8 is in immense pain. He cries because he feels unloved. He feels like another dad has walked out on him, doesn't care about him, that he isn't worth anything. This absolutely kills me. I am so mad at H for hurting us. I am so mad at H for putting S8 through this. For breaking up our family, making us move into a small apartment, and get rid of our dog. I am so mad he gave up so quickly. I am so mad he promised me he would never leave us and he did. I feel betrayed. I feel like I wasted 5 years of my life. I feel rejected. I feel worthless.
S8 and I finally found a place. It's a 1 bedroom guesthouse. I would give S8 the room and get a sofa bed for the living room. We would go from a 3 bedroom house and huge yard to 600 square ft. The place is fully furnished, very cute, and very very affordable. But I am dragging my feet on signing the lease. I don't want to leave my house. I don't want to give away our dog. I fear that once I do everything will really be over. I'm so afraid.
H, S8 and I have also been spending a lot of time together at the house since we are still there. I'm afraid once we move out all of that will stop. He is living at his dads and can't bring S8 over there to hangout or have sleepovers so he comes to the house and stays. Once we move out and he moves back in I know there will be no reason for him to see or spend time with me. Am I a fool for holding on to this? I feel like there is no hope and yet I don't want to let go.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Faith, I don't have much time to respond right now, will pop by later if I have a chance. I just wanted to say that you can't let your fear rule your life.
Will giving away the dog mean it's really over? No. It will just be more evidence that it is really over. It won't change anything. If your H changes his mind and wants to R, it won't matter whether you have a dog or live in a 600 SF apartment. Whether your H spends time with S8 has nothing to do with those things either. I realize it is scary to move and make more changes that seem to bring you farther apart, but the reality is that your H does not want to be married to you right now. Moving out of the house doesn't make that more or less so.
I 100% get it - I felt the same way. If I make a custody arrangement with him, then will it really be over? If I figure out the financials with him, will it really be over? When he moves out, will that mean it's really over? In retrospect, those things that I feared the most changed nothing between me and H, but actually helped me to move forward. Facing those fears, continuing to live my life, to make it the best I could for me and my kids, and to start taking care of things, helped me SO much. Having a custody schedule didn't make my XH want to be married to me any more or less, but it did make my life less stressful. Once you are in your place, Faith, you can make it a home with your S8. You won't have to live in the stress you are now about moving out and where you're going and all that.
The M is over at BD. It really is. None of those other things make it over, they are just more evidence that it is over. I know they hurt, but they are not changing anything. So you need to just keep moving forward. Look for the positives in your new place. Make it a great place for your S8. Nobody knows whether your H will continue to be in your S8's life. But you have no control over that, and moving will make no difference whatsoever. So you just make sure that you are the best Mom you can be for him. Be there for him. Be his rock. You cannot protect him from bad things happening, but you can help him get through it. Have you looked into counseling for your S8? It might be a good idea for him now.
Hang in there, you really are going to be better than OK, I promise!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I have long felt that once my H got the idea of the D train started (he blurted it out in a way that makes it hard to believe he'd been thinking about it for "months" especially considering the week before we were having avid conversations about remodeling our basement), he just wasn't able to stop it. He even said "I don't want to go back on what I said." Sometimes I think of it as being a mistake but moreso in a "wow, he's really going to miss out, because I'm working really hard and being pretty awesome!" type of way. Other times I think "How can I possibly know if this will be a mistake or not? Can I see 5 years into the future? Can I know what is really best for us? Nope." I was reading an article yesterday written by a marriage counselor about how "couples owe it to their marriage to do everything possible before giving up, including counseling," and just yesterday even I was still thinking "hmm... what else can I do to get him to try to work on this with me?"