While I would prefer to not have to have any contact with him at all, I have to be the grownup and suck it up and make it work. So, I can negotiate instead of just being annoyed.
Btw..would love feedback before mediation: our draft parenting plan says that we will attempt to come to consensus on all child-related issues (education, religion, health), and that if we can't come to agreement we will go to a neutral third party before taking it to court.
That seems so ridiculous to me. Obviously we will always try to come to an agreement. But in the event we don't, we have to come back to mediation??
What have others done?
And it's hard to not be frustrated by the logistics of everything. It was hard enough to balance our families (we both have extended families who all live in the area-- and his parents are divorced so that adds another layer), but now I have to do all that plus negotiate with him about our time too. It's just so annoying.
Ok. Putting on my BGP.
Mediation tomorrow. It's been at least 6 months since our last meeting. I'm nervous. And I'm annoyed that instead of spending my time and energy and money in making our R work I have to spend my time and energy and money to fulfill his desire to break us up.
I've decided to do as little as possible. Why doesn't he draft a budget for me and I can revise it? He can contact the realtor and make an appointment to get our home appraised.
He wants this so badly he can make it happen.
(My head feels clouded with emotion so obviously I need some redirection...)
Btw..would love feedback before mediation: our draft parenting plan says that we will attempt to come to consensus on all child-related issues (education, religion, health), and that if we can't come to agreement we will go to a neutral third party before taking it to court.
That seems so ridiculous to me. Obviously we will always try to come to an agreement. But in the event we don't, we have to come back to mediation??
What have others done?
Claire, I don't have anything legal in my sich, but I don't see this as a bad thing. In fact, I see it as protecting your from H's potential unreasonableness. Let's say that you put your D in a private school because your local public school is the pits (just for example, not saying it actually is). Then after three years, in the middle of the year, H decides he wants her moved. No matter how you beg and plead, he won't budge. A mediator would say that you have to at least leave her there until the end of the school year, and then help you figure out what to do for next year. Hopefully, it would never come down to that, but it's nice to know the procedure if it does.
Anyone gonna be around tonight? I have mediation with H tomorrow -first time in 6 months--and could certainly use both cheerleading and practical advice.
Claire, anything that saves you court time is a good thing. Court is EXPENSIVE.
And since you guys aren't together and thus have already demonstrated an inability to come to agreement, building in a plan of action is the only smart thing to do. It's not personal. And not everyone is well-intentioned. I know in my brother's case it's better to assume they WON'T agree than that they will.
I'm sorry you're hitting mediation but it's important to have things clear on both sides and hopefully it will be a low-key event.
Also, I wanted to say earlier... when you were upset at having to yield on parenting stuff to your H, it's so wonderful how involved he wants to be! Consider the alternative.
HUGS!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think I didn't explain myself clearly. I definitely would want to avoid court. But I've heard that many agreements stipulate that one parent has ultimate decision making over education, for example, while perhaps the other has ultimate decision over religious-related things. So, the parties agree to attempt to come to an agreement, but if they can't, there is a default. I'm not sure that running to mediation every time there is an unresolvable conflict is the answer. I don't know.
I need to pump myself up to go in strong tomorrow. I need to try to see some positives in him, if only because that is the kind of person I want to be-- with friends, with students, with everyone in my life. I tend to jump to a negative interpretation.
I have some questions regarding finances for him-- how is his paycheck being distributed. And it's probably time to have some sort of financial separation-- even if it's just setting up a joint fund for expenses for our D or something like that. A friend gave me the great idea to ask for a "vacation fund" to be set up-- to be contributed to proportionally by both of us, and then split in half, so we each have funds to take her on vacation. I hate the idea of him being 'fun dad' because he has more money.
I'm still not sure if I want to keep or sell the home. I'd need to have child support for probably at least a year before I could even apply for a mortgage on my own. But do I really want to take on a mortgage for a home I don't even love? And as for selling it... I would need some concessions: either $ for a weekly housekeeper while it's on the market, and/or some other perk every time we'd have to leave for an open house or showing, and I was even thinking of setting me and D up in a temp rental (or permanent rental) while house is up for sale-- I mean, it's kind of unfair that he'll get to profit from the sale of the house without being inconvenienced by it AT ALL? Why don't I get to just MOVE OUT and then get a big fat check when it's sold??
There is a place in this for me to be angry at his selfish, juvenile behavior. Regardless of the fact that he and I were both unhappy, there is just no reasonable excuse for someone to abandon their marriage the way he did. I don't need to be spiteful about it, but I also don't need to protect him from the natural consequences of his ridiculous decision.
Ack. I don't even know how to make a plan for XMas vacation. This totally suxx.
I think I didn't explain myself clearly. I definitely would want to avoid court. But I've heard that many agreements stipulate that one parent has ultimate decision making over education, for example, while perhaps the other has ultimate decision over religious-related things. So, the parties agree to attempt to come to an agreement, but if they can't, there is a default. I'm not sure that running to mediation every time there is an unresolvable conflict is the answer. I don't know.
OK, Claire, I understand better now. And that's something to ask your L about. I have a friend who has been in a knock-down, drag-out D and custody battle for years. Her H is really awful to their 4 kids. At various times over the years, she has had temporary sole decision making, but that has only lasted a few months at a time, even though the XH is a real pig to his kids. And my point is......in this state you would be unlikely to get an agreement of the type you described, I don't know about your state, something to check on.
I just wanted to let you know, we skipped mediation in my case and just agreed to things between us, but I am looking at the joint legal custody agreement (which is a standard state form), and the part about trying to agree on these issues before taking them to a neutral third party is on there as well, and looks to be the "standard".I'd pick your battles, and you know your H better than us. Is he really likely to argue with you on school, healthcare and religion? If you think that would be relatively rare, I would save the "pushback" for other items.
That's just me, I guess I am pretty comfortable with this particular piece because STBX has always been pretty passive about these areas. Heck, I doubt he could name our pediatrician.
X Mr GB and I hammered out our own arrangement (I'm very frugal and it seemed ridiculous if we couldn't to me since we had 3 kids). To be completely honest, part of it was that I did not want a few things to come to "light" and we decided we could do it ourselves.
I have final decision making over everything except religion. X is atheist and I consider my spiritual so no formal religion. However, my kids do attend a religious school that h understands (due to where we live, learning disabilities and behavioral issues) is really the only choice. And now I'll say something that may warrant some head swiveling from fellow readers. I am relentless in anything that has to do with the well being of my children. I essentially told xh that he was welcome to final decision making over religion because if kids were wanting to join a cult, he should feel free to intervene and realize religion turns out to be an extremely personal decision. There was no snark intended as xh was raised in a fairly religious household. I was raised in a very religious household and while I respect others beliefs, for me, I started forming my own beliefs around age 8.
Sorry if I high jacked. Good luck :-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 12/05/1402:57 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Wow . I did not DB very well and its crystal clear he is done. Hoo boy. Among several cringe-worthy moments:
1) I brought up the fact that it is, in fact, difficult for me to totally trust him at his word now, which is why I have been pushing for more precise language in our agreement document.
2) I brought up whether it was appropriate to spend money on extra-marital activities. "Would you be ok if I spent joint money on an expensive gift for my boyfriend?" He said, "Sure, that's fine. I know you aren't the type of person to go crazy with spending. I trust you."
3) after we left, he stopped me to say he's really sorry that I feel like I can't trust him. I said I've acted in ways this past year that show, in fact, that I do. He said, I get what you are saying (about him breaking his vows), but in his mind it's different. I said, I'm sure you see it differently. Then we sort of got into a R convo which was basically me telling him (calmly, at least) that while I can understand that his feelings change, it's hard to understand his choice to abandon our marriage without getting any real help. His position is that he did try, for a long time, and he was just hopeless. Of course i went back about how we didn't get real, skilled help, and that things might have been different if we had.
I went into how i believe that love is a choice and that relationships can be rebuilt and that I acknowledge he feels differently. And that it was a surprise when he sat me down one day and announced he was leaving-- that I would never have expected that.
We were standing on a street corner in the rain and he had to go get our D. Perfect time for that kind of conversation!
Omg. I can't believe that I lost my control like that. And now I'm sitting in Starbucks crying.
So that's that. I think I need to move to another board. My thread doesn't get that much traffic anyway and I think this is a place for people who still have some sense that it may work out. Mine won't. He's totally calm, he says he's committed to us having a positive relationship. But he is done being married to me.
