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jim0987 Offline OP
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Here's the link to my last thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...nt=6&page=1

At this point my wife is moving out soon and has recently picked up her relationship with an ex. I have excellent advice but seem to keep digging myself a whole.

I can visualise where I want to be but struggling with getting there. I'm getting much more awareness of who I am and what makes me me - the work now is to learn to like that and overcome the fears , guilt, and other issues so that I can be the man I should be (and hopefully husband my W wants)


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Thanks for the direction GoatGal.

Perfect timing on the locking of my last thread!

I'm really starting to think there might be something in it. It had been suggested a couple of times in the past but since BD its been suggested as a possibility by:

People on here
A good friend
A clinical psychologist
My IC
The psychologist who was providing feedback on my leadership psychometrics

That's starting to feel like a pattern I should take seriously.

When I've looked into I can sort of fit some of the descriptions but I don't want to read too much into it as whether it is the case or not I'm not sure it makes much difference to what I need to do.

Having said that I don't think I should ignore it either.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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Jim,

I have to respectfully disagree with your statement that the Asperger's possibility probably doesn't impact what you need to do go going forward.

In fact, understanding this KEY ASPECT of who you are--if it applies to you-- and how it is impacting your relationships is a huge part of working on yourself and fixing what is fixable!

Believe me, it HAS impacted your relationships, even if you're not aware of it.

Although the syndrome itself is not "fixable", it is possible to manage many of the challenges it presents, thereby feeling better and having better communication and relationships with others.

Putting new skills into our repertoire and practicing them until they become second nature CHANGES OUR BRAIN CHEMISTRY.

I've said many times that no one who meets meet these days would EVER guess I have Asperger's. When I tell them, they don't believe it. Even my best friend has voiced her doubts.
"Because your social skills are so good, you're so kind and empathetic."

That is the result of WORKING ON MYSELF and learning the things that seem to come to others naturally. As a result, my desire to improve and my hard work has paid off in the sense that my social skills often surpass the so-called "normal" people in the room.

Because I work at it. I am now popular, have many friends, and am so appreciated by others. Now it comes more or less naturally.

But there is a big dose of STFU involved, always. I always WANT to say this or that, and I have to monitor myself socially. But you'd never know.

The only indicator is a need to go off by myself for awhile after intense social interaction. I do find it tiring.

But it's not being in-authentic or wearing a mask, playing a role. That's really me working the room, it's the me I WANT to be, that I can be, so I make sure that's how I'm presenting myself.


It doesn't change your DBing, but---no.
I think this could be monumental for you and would advise you to follow up with it. If nothing else, it will get your focus on YOU and off W and OM! smile


--(G)GGG

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jim0987 Offline OP
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I definitely need to follow up on it. I ignored patterns in my M and that didn't serve me so well, so probably better to not ignore this.

Either way social interaction has always been difficult for me and it takes a while for people to get to know me and not many people make it that far but I'm incredibly loyal to those that do (my friends have been my friends for 20+ years which I think says something).

Its why it came up at work as the suggestion is that I'm going to struggle with the next career step unless I improve my ability to 'work a room' and deal with interpersonal politics.

I find that you have figured this out really inspiring as it gives me hope regardless of why I struggle with this. Thank you


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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Jim

I see you very differently than you see yourself, may be at the beginning a little of how you described came through. Now I see a man who is seeking to improve himself. A very brave man who can think with his heart.

These are some of the amazing things about you (to get your 100 started):
A man who wants

To maximise his strengths and minimise his weaknesses.

To be a great and loving dad

To live a good life with a loving partner

Succeed in his work life

Who is committed to his own personal development

Who is kind

Who is hard working

Who likes cooking eating and travelling

Who can express himself romantically

Who makes friends and goes GAL


I leave you to fill in the rest

Please keep sharing of yourself, the more you do the more help you will get from the vets and support from the rest of us

Smiling with pride for you

Vanilla



Last edited by Vanilla; 12/03/14 05:02 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Vanilla, thank you for your kind words.

A list of 100 may take me a while. I made a list of 20 a couple of threads ago and that took me about 3 days so 100 will take a while unless i just list lots of different meals i can cook.

Ive ordered some more reading as recommend by GoatGal and see what that says. I've also spend the last little bit doing lots of reading online and a fair few self-diagnosis tests.

I come out on the lowest end borderline on the majority of stuff however there are a couple of big exceptions to that and that is i seem to have a 10/10 score for attachment problems (over attach) and my empathy quotient came out as very low (avarage for general population males is 35, aspergers is 20 and mine was 14). Its just internet diagnosis and so i'm sure i could find a quiz that says i've currently got plague so not to be taken too seriously but this is feeling more and more like it could be something that i really need to take seriously.

in terms of my self improvement i'm not sure how this changes things. After all my introspection my core issues seem to be exactly what they were at the start of this and what my W has actually been saying for a long while.

- I make everything (EVERYTHING) about me. if someone is upset its because I upset them. if its gone wrong i will get blamed. if they disagree its because they dont like me. If they arent paying enough attention to me then i'm hurt because they are rejecting me. when someone needs me to help them i'm too busy feeling guilt and defensive over how it must be my fault to properly help and support them

- Im incredibly socially awkward. cant do the social hugging thing at all - weirds me out. but i love to be physically close to my W. I dont really get the rules of when to join in and what is safe ground to talk about or when to stop. I push my point too far and too hard and find it very difficult to tell when i've moved from friendly banter/debate to aggressive and hurtful.

- I let my fear of rejection control me too much and it makes me very avoidant. it stops me talking to people and makes normal day to day things like making a phonecall or sending an email an anxious and difficult experience. I avoid all sorts of things and procrastinate because then i cant be wrong/rejected/thought badly of.

- My negative opinion of myself dominates my thinking and also allows other people to manipulate me through guilt and shame. it only takes the slightest nudge. Its very self destructive especially when combined with the other stuff it means that when someone hurts me i feel i deserve it.

- mature and approariate emotional responses take me a lot of time and are easily derailed. it makes expressing empathy in the correct way when its needed very hard and can make me seem uncaring and lacking compassion.

Key triggers for me on some of my worst behaviours
- Feeling my opinion has been discounted (rather than disagreed with)
- Being made to wait unnecessarily
- being ignored
- direct criticism
- when i make obvious mistakes and it gets pointed out

I'll give all of this some more thought and see if i can work out whether there is other steps i need to take


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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D paperwork in progress
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Jim,

This => "I don't really get the rules of when to join in and what is safe ground to talk about or when to stop. I push my point too far and too hard and find it very difficult to tell when i've moved from friendly banter/debate to aggressive and hurtful."

Really jumps out at me as an Aspie thing.

*** Please try and list your triggers as they relate to your W. I think that will better prepare you.

And I KNOW you can find 100 cool things about yourself!!!!!


---(G)GGG

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jim0987 Offline OP
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I think its that kind of stuff that has meant its come up. I really dont know what to feel/do about it. Here in the UK it says to go to your GP but i have no confidence as to whether i'll be taken seriously.

I can probably get to 100 if I make it a list of things about me that make me me. The issue at the moment is that its stuff that i dont like, which is ridiculous because some of the things I love most about my wife other people (includng her) might see as flaws - it stands to reason then that there are things that i dont like about me which may be the very things other people find endearing and so its a matter of changing my perspective - just thinking out loud i guess.

OK so i started writing triggers and ended up just writing a list of things that hurt me, upset me and generally negatively affect me emotionally. It got quite a big list. I've culled it back down to what i think are the little hooks and triggers that pull me into a conversation.

- Half asked questions that leave me hanging
- Dressing up and making an effort for OM
- her continued dishonesty
- anytime she says she tried to make it work between us
- the expectation that i will just go along with her line about what to say to the kids because 'its best for the kids'
- casual references to the divorce mid conversation like its a good thing
- 'Dont blame me'
- christmas
- when she seems worried or anxious about something to do with what is happening (divorce, my plans with the kids, my GAL activities)
- if she talks to me like im a child.
- several of her expressions also act as triggers, particularly the condescending smug expression if i make a mistake on anything or if i do something that validates her decision to leave. example below

She knows i'm still going to IC and she seems to have taken that as validation that it was all because im too messed up (she has said this or more specifically she said that 'she knew it when we got together which is why she didnt want to be with me at first but that she decided it was surmoountable and worth the risk, it turns out it wasnt surmountable). whenever i have an appointment that she knows about the smug expression makes an appearance.

unrelated to this, i just (as i was typing) realised another opportunity to show growth that i missed. W was trying to say that she was pleased D3s behaviour has improved from the problems we were having in the month or so after BD. it has and i should have jsut validated but instead i started talking about the things i had done with her that seemed to be working for me. however given what i know from before she likely would have taken this as me trying to say im the better parent.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
Joined: Apr 2014
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Jim,

Don't worry about doing this perfectly. So you missed an opportunity to validate. That's no big deal. Do better next time.

As for your list, go through point by point and address how you will handle each one of these things:

Half asked questions that leave you hanging?
Simple. Ignore. Same with half-answered questions!

Her continued dishonesty?
Be prepared for the emotional pain this is going to cause you. Let it go, walk away. W knows you know about OM and you are SURE this is an A? Then it's OK to say, "please don't lie to me". And then walk away.

These are just ideas. You should come up with your own game plans.

--(G)GGG

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To be honest i think its the same thing with all of them and that is to either just let it go or assertively state a boundary (please dont lie to me/please do speak to me in that manner) then let it go.

No talking is going to change anything - she will take what she wants to here from any conversation and if she doesnt hear it she will twist what i said to fit with her 'truth'

yes i'm sure, but with OM2 to confirm that i know would be to confirm her belief that i checked her phone - she hasnt said anything to me. She is off to her home town (where OM2 lives) for the next couple of days and today got home having had a haircut and purchased new Lingerie. She might not be going to see him but thats quite some prep if shes just going to her mums.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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