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stacey9 Offline OP
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I don't know how to link previous thread but here's a brief update - married 22 years, H left Jan 2014 for OW, he is still with her. Lawyers involved, he said he wants a divorce, and wants the finances split.

I don't post very often, but am on this site every day looking for inspiration. I cannot believe it's been almost a year since he left. I saw him shopping with the OW last week and they were holding hands, looking so happy, smiling, in love and its like a dagger to my heart. I have heard he is spending Christmas with her and her parents and family.

I have been getting on with my life and I am busy with work, the house and family, but when will this stop hurting so much? I live in a small town, I am likely to bump into them often and I just don't know how to handle it.

I had hoped like many of you do, that the fog may have lifted somewhat, or the honeymoon period would be over, but it just seems to be getting stronger.

Holidays must be difficult for all of us, and I am filled with gratitude for what I do have, especially having met a friend of H and I who doesn't know if this will be his last Christmas as he has cancer.

The memories of my life with H are with me always, and I am still devastated that he's not here, and said he will never come back.

Sorry for being so negative....


Me - 44 Husband - 47
D20, S18
BD - Aug 2013
Moved out - Jan 2014
OW discovered Jan 2014
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Hi Stacey,

Your feelings are understandable, if you are 44 and you've been M 22 years, then, sweetie, you were with your H half your life and almost all of your adult years. I get that. Me, too. But 44 is not 88 and you have to look to the future now. Decide what kind of life you want for the second half and go after it. You can do this!



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Hi Stacey-
I am sorry you are here. Like you I have been separated for just about a year now and wonder the very same thing. When does it stop hurting? When do I become as 'Happy' as WAH with this new life? I am trying to GAL as much as possible. But find it extremely difficult to detach. How is your GAL going?


M: 43
H: 42
Married 19, Together 25; no kids
EA/OW 1 January 2012
EA/OW 2 Sept 2013
DB: 10/2013
Separated 12/7/2013
Divorce papers served 11/21/2014
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The holidays are extremely rough. My STBX has been gone almost 15 months now, and I still cried on Thanksgiving & this weekend.

Thankfully I had someone who really wants to be with me to spend some time with; otherwise it would have been even more difficult.

When I get really down, I try to think of the last year of our marriage & how we were worlds apart. The mind always seems to go back to the sweetest moments though, which still hurts.

She emailed me that she would 'settle' for $60k; sad that in the end it just comes down to $$$.

Hang in there; you are not alone.


Me: 46
Ex: 38
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Stacey,

I'm so sorry you are hurting. The holidays, in my opinion, are difficult enough and these sitches make it even more difficult. It's okay and understandable to be sad- you have to feel those emotions. However, RPP is right. You have act 2 of your life left to live and it CAN be wonderful and exciting.

I understand this isn't what you wanted. However, this next chapter can be fulfilling and exciting as well. Take your time. Enjoy the good stuff. There is much good stuff to enjoy.

Sending you a hug:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Stacy,

I just passed the 2 year mark, of my WAW leaving. That first year was almost unbearable. Even today, I still have so many thoughts and memories that haunt me.....But it gets easier, and it get better. I know you have heard that a million times, but it's true. Every day that goes by, the hurt will dull a little more. Will it ever go away completely" Probably not. Life will continue to improve though and you will start to build new memories and connections. To help speed this along, you really DO need to focus on that GAL. It will be your saving grace. I know it's hard to get out there and start over. I still struggle with it, but if you force it, your life will begin to come into focus. Whatever you do, don't go stagnant. You and I are the same age, and we don't want to waste another minute on working towards happiness. You have the skills and the knowledge you need. Now all you have to do is get started. Go out and do something NEW, today. You got this!


Me:46 Her:38
My D: 11
Her S: 8


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stacey9 Offline OP
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Thank you all so much for your kind words.

I find it easier to GAL when I still have a glimmer of hope. Its when I start thinking that there really is no hope of us ever getting back together that I struggle to get through the day.

I am just not ready to believe it is really over. I cannot come to terms with that and don't think I ever will.

Friends and family think that because a year has passed I should now have completely moved on and got over this. But it's still so painful. I do not want to see them together. I still want to touch him when he comes round to see the kids. It's pathetic.

I go out with friends quite often, and I think they are all hopeful I will meet someone else but I am not there yet.

My L is making sure I get everything I am entitled to financially when the agreement is drawn up, and I fear this will cause some friction between us, but I have to protect myself and my kids for the future.

At the moment he is being very helpful and has offered to do some jobs around the house, which I have appreciated and told him so.

I am so grateful to all of you here. Reading your posts and your words of wisdom has been so helpful.


Me - 44 Husband - 47
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Moved out - Jan 2014
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Stacey, I just wanted to offer my words of sympathy and support for you as well. I know it seems like there is no hope and the pain will never end. But you need to know that while you are alive there is always hope for things to get better!

Keep trying to move forward and force yourself to GAL and keep up those positive changes.

Sure it seems like your WAH is happy as a clam in his new life, maybe he is. But that could change, and probably will change. Keep your chin up you never know what the future might hold.

For right now you need to focus on your own life and your future. Try to plan something fun, interesting and exciting for early 2015. Do something nice with the kids or your friends, maybe a weekend getaway or a cool adventure? Something new and different to shake things up.

Good luck Stacey!

hugs, Lisa

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Stacey9 I know how you feel. It's hard and it hurts. I too still want my H to come back and to change his mind but I have also learned that I need to let it be. If we are meant to be we will be. Maybe this is your time to figure out who you are and what you really want out of life.

I sometimes think maybe I am just used to him. I too have been with my H half of my life. Give it some time. Maybe in time we will both grow and realize that this relationship wasn't the right one for us. I think we both need to let go and work on ourselves. Maybe they will like what they see.

Now I know it's easier said than done but just know I am right here on this journey with you. We all are and there is a plan for us. We just don't know what it is yet but it will be great.


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Kids 2
ILYBINILWY 08/05
Reconciled 05/06
S07/12
Moved back 03/13
Separated Again 06/24/13
Back Again (his choice) 02/14
Leaving again 03/23/14
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Prepare yourself for a 2x4!

Originally Posted By: stacey9

I find it easier to GAL when I still have a glimmer of hope. Its when I start thinking that there really is no hope of us ever getting back together that I struggle to get through the day.
Then you are not getting a LIFE, at all. You are simply going through the motions, while holding expectations that your husband will return. You're killing time. You're not getting a life. Here is the deal. You actually need to GET A LIFE! Trust me. It will help you, whether your WAH comes back or not. Some day you will be able to look back and realize this, but you have to take the steps forward. Stop holding onto that torch and get out there! Life is currently in progress!

Originally Posted By: stacey9
I am just not ready to believe it is really over. I cannot come to terms with that and don't think I ever will.
I totally get this. I was the same way, and I still am to some degree. It is soooo paralyzing. Here is the unfortunate thing; Your husband has moved on. He is with OW. This is the way things are, whether you accept them or not. So, what do we do with this? You continue DBing and you go GAL! It is going to sting for a very long time, maybe forever, but until you start to let go and move forward, you will never start to heal from this. You need to detach and GAL. It is absolutely necessary.

Originally Posted By: stacey9
Friends and family think that because a year has passed I should now have completely moved on and got over this. But it's still so painful. I do not want to see them together. I still want to touch him when he comes round to see the kids. It's pathetic.
Again. I was right there with you. I had those very same feelings at the one year point. Keep in mind, You are on your own path with your own timeline. Everything will happen when it needs to happen. Keep true to yourself and you will get there. Just try to allow it to keep moving forward. That is why detaching and GAL is so crucial. I mean, I cannot stress that enough.

Originally Posted By: stacey9
I go out with friends quite often, and I think they are all hopeful I will meet someone else but I am not there yet.
You aren't anywhere near ready for that. Those days will come. Don't rush them.

Originally Posted By: stacey9
My L is making sure I get everything I am entitled to financially when the agreement is drawn up, and I fear this will cause some friction between us, but I have to protect myself and my kids for the future.
You have to do what's best for you, just like H did when he walked out that door. Don't worry about causing friction. That is a consequence of HIS choices. Keep that in mind.

Originally Posted By: stacey9
At the moment he is being very helpful and has offered to do some jobs around the house, which I have appreciated and told him so.
That is absolutely fantastic. Show him your 180's and be that spouse only a fool would leave. He is giving you the opportunity to prove yourself. Now go get a life and show him how awesome it is.


Me:46 Her:38
My D: 11
Her S: 8


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