Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Hmmm, she mentioned about setting a trap too, though not in those words. Ok, so I've definitely stuffed up but didn't intend to. Back to the drawing board then smile


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Stuff up...or opportunity to tell her you thought about it some more and understand her perspective. From now on you agree that it is a good idea to talk first etc etc


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
Originally Posted By: ganb8te
Stuff up...or opportunity to tell her you thought about it some more and understand her perspective. From now on you agree that it is a good idea to talk first etc etc


I like this^^. Shows respect and willingness to see her perspective. Would that be a 180 for you?


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Possibly. I don't know to be honest. I always felt I was pretty good at seeing her perspective and my bigger issue was how I acted upon that. It's all something to work on I guess.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
B,

You did screw up, but not in the communicating with the wife. You screwed up communicating with you son. Remember that you talk from the position of things you control...not from the position of things you don't control. While I agree your son needs some one on one....all you should have brought up is one on one time between you two (thing you control) and left the wife out of it. If your son then brought up your wife, then you mention that he should discuss that with his mother. Even if you brought it up to her before hand, it is still kind of trapping her into a situation where she needs to do one on one time and can be viewed as guilting or manipulative. You talk for yourself in the singular....not as combined parents.

This situation happens a lot here...Kids want to have a sleep over on the ex's weekend. I tell them to discuss it with her, as it isn't my choice or decision to make.

The argument is just a symptom of the problem my friend.

The superior man is an excellent book Faith.....A lot of couples read it together actually. Some of it does have to be taken with a grain of salt though LOL


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Thanks again Faith2b, rppfl, gogofo, Ganba8e and LFW. After a few days off I can see where my wife, and all of you, are coming from regarding how I handle kid-related things with my wife. At the time, I was seeking advice on how to handle these situation with my wife. What I didn't mention was that my wife and I got into a yelling match at my instigation. I was adamant that she was going to treat me better than she has and she was adamant I would run things by her before discussing them with the kids. Not my finest hour. I sent her a message some time later apologising for my bahaviour but the deed was done. I stuffed up and there's no excusing that.

After reviewing everyone's messages, I reflected on recent incidents and how I'd handled them. There was a strong theme of losing my patience and being unnecessarily firm with my wife. I have struggled walking the line between standing up for myself and going with the flow for the benefit of everyone concerned. I do feel very strongly that my wife has treated me poorly of late but I should have handled this so much better than I did.

Fast forward to the past couple of days and I took the kids up to see my wife for the first time since she moved to her new town. I wasn't looking forward to it one bit as we'd barely spoken since the latest incident. To my surprise, the time away was pleasant. My wife and I largely kept to ourselves, did things together with the kids and also had our own time with the kids. I left her town feeling positive that we could make these visits work.

Only a couple of negatives came up. My wife asked me when the local town show was on, which I told her, and she asked her friends on Facebook later on that night. I get that; she doesn't trust me. I decided to leave it as she would get her answer and it wasn't worth sparking negativity over. The other one was she broached the subject of dating. She cited not wanting to be "blindsided when the kids tell her about Daddy's special friend" one day. I told her that whilst I understood her feelings at the present time, I wasn't going to do anything to further divide our family and that I hadn't given much thought to how to handle dating. I told her I would cross that bridge when the time comes. I'm not sure what to make of things as her job is a stepping stone and dating really doesn't make sense for either of us for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure how I will handle things if I find out she is dating at some point.

On a strange side note, I mentioned the move throughout the weekend and she said that she was in no rush for it to happen. This was really strange to me as she pushed pretty hard to have the kids with her prior to the school year starting and now is prepared to wait. Part of me wants to run with this and maintain the status quo and just get on with my life. I understand why I am making this move though and I feel very strongly that it is the right thing to do for the kids; they deserve their mum no matter how I feel or how she treats me. There's a lot of work to do in the meantime though.

On a positive note, I've received a confidence boost of late. A couple of times I've been out I've received some smiles from women. I've not acted on them; I'm adamant I want to see things through with my wife, but it's a nice feeling nonetheless.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
It's already been three weeks since my last post. Gee, time flies. I'm on uni break, my kids are back at school and my wife was in town this weekend for D4's first day at school. Everything has been going well aside from my work hours resembling a yoyo; my house is clean, my kids and I are getting along great and getting them back into a school routine has been quite easy. This weekend posed a few threats but I navigated them really well.

My wife stayed with other family on Saturday so I didn't see her until she arrived at my place with my kids and nieces at lunch time on Sunday. She was in a huff so I greeted the kids and carried on with what I was doing. She was quite rude when she spoke to me so I briefly answered any questions she had and went back to what I was doing.

Later in the day, my wife and kids came home for a bit but I was asleep as I had started work 6am both Saturday and Sunday. D3 popped in to playfully say hello but left again so I went back to sleep. When I woke, they were gone again. Fast forward to dinner time and I checked in with my wife who said they were having dinner elsewhere and would be back later. Having the kids out on a school night is not something I'm comfortable with as it upsets their routine but I let it slide and did some things around home.

W and kids come back later, baths and bedtimes are sorted and my wife asked about things I had placed in piles in the spare room. I said I had sorted some things out and that her things were in one section and joint things were in another section. She berated me for going through her things and I stayed calm, stated that I was sorting through the house and tried to pile her things as best as possible in one place. She continued to berate me and I closed the conversation and left. I understand where she is coming from but when I move, I'm the only one here to sort and pack things so I feel I've done nothing wrong. Once the kids were in bed, I retired to my room for the night rather than hanging around the living areas.

This morning was the big day; day one of D4's schooling life. She was so excited to be going to big school. My wife organised uniforms and lunches, I arranged breakfasts and everything was running smoothly. My wife and I still hadn't communicated properly since she'd been home but we kept out of each other's way and the morning went well. Come drop off time, we went to school as a family and since the kindergarten class started later, we accompanied my son to his class.

My wife asked if she could take our son to class as I got to do it all the time. I was caught off guard but kept calm and stated that I was going that way too as I had things for S7's class, including a substantial sum of money I wanted to make sure got to his teacher. My wife didn't say anything after that and we all walked with S7 to his class where, thankfully, I was able to hand over S7's school money in person! One relieved, short-for-cash Dad here!

Once the bell sounded, S7 went to class and the rest of us went to the kindergarten area. W spent time with our daughters while I sat in the shade before D3 came to play over near me. As much as W had been rude to me so far this weekend, this was her time and I left her to it. As the teachers were collecting the kids for class, we gave D4 hugs, saw her off and my wife dropped me back home before heading out with D3.

It was a good day at home. Clean house, too hot for yard work, and my wife had confirmed she wasn't pursuing a job in (yet) another town so I spent my morning relaxing, reading up on my next lot of uni units and looking for jobs/houses in W's town. W came home later in the morning and spent the next hour on the phone to government agencies due to stuff ups concerning our kids and her financial situation (mine was correct). When she got off the phone, she made comments such as "if things become an issue, I'll just take the kids with me." I listened and validated, didn't buy into her comments and reminded her that we would be in her town soon. I know I'm not her favourite person right now and I have some issues not being the biological father of my two eldest children but statements like "I'll just take the kids" don't sit well with me. I've told my wife repeatedly that the more help I get, the faster things move and the less help I get, the slower things move. I've also told her that I will not just hand the kids over as that transfers her problems to me rather than solving the problem of both of us being able to spend time with the kids.

My wife left shortly after the phone call so I retreated to my room to play video games and stayed there even when my wife came back. Come the end of the school day, we picked up the kids, W suggested buying ice creams and taking them home and she spent a final hour with them before leaving. This turned out to be the hardest part.

D4 immediately broke down and tears welled in W's eyes. D3 was stoic and S7 was good until he went to pull away from W and broke down himself. From there, W, S7 and D4 cried, D3 joined in shortly after and my wife had to pull herself away just to get into the car. I remained calm, tried to comfort the kids the best I could and managed to get outside before I started to feel it. With my wife in the car crying and all three kids clung to me bawling, I started to well up myself. W left and I went back inside to cuddle the kids while watching TV until it got too hot to be pinned down by them. They were fine after a short period and things got back to normal.

These are the parts that worry me most. The potential crazy ideas my wife may have; the reminders that I really don't have the money to pull this move off but it's best for the kids; the likely 'don't care about your problems as long as the kids are with me' attitude of my wife both now and especially when I move. I can only control my own finances, which I'm trying to do, but I am already screwed, have put away enough to enjoy the trip across the country for my brother's wedding (just over two weeks away and in four weeks time, it's a memory... finally), and file enough away to afford advance rent and bond on a new house. I can't afford any financial surprises and if the move is delayed beyond Easter, I'm sure my wife's opinion of me will continue to decline even though I shouldered the bulk of our financial burdens in the past 12 months and lack the income to rectify it.

I'm at a position now where I just don't trust my wife and that affects my move. I would like to find a nicer home for the kids and myself but that requires a job or some support from my wife. Neither of those things are guaranteed so I'm looking at roughing it for a while, working on finding a job and powering through uni while looking after the kids. The biggest hurdle at the moment is finding a place I can have my dog as pet-friendly properties aren't widely advertised here.

I'm sure everything will fall into place but there is a lot of uncertainty over the next two months. On the bright side, I have managed my finances well enough recently that I can afford to enjoy my holiday without guilt (can't go stupid but I don't have to stress about an ice cream here or an activity there). I'm really looking forward to seeing my family and seeing what has changed in my home cities. Two weeks on Wednesday; can't wait.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
It's funny how things change Barry I remember last year how concerned you were of this trip. Glad it's ok.

As for pet rentals. Some advice, see all rentals weather or not pet friendly. Make sure you meet with land lord.

You can explain your dog and offer refrences in person. If that's doesn't work you can ask on the Australian dogs online forum for help or leads. Depending on dog. Sadly smaller dogs get a better chance than bigger ones. Swf pulls sway. While that can stand for small white and fluffy.
It can aka as small wooffy and ferocious.

Believe ist possible and you will find away. Rural outskirts of town too can often be harder to rent there fore more easy going to keep your dog. As a good tennat it will be easier.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Thanks G. My dog is small so he shouldn't be a problem. Depends on how antsy landlords are really. The biggest issue is finding a place that fits my budget that also allows pets. Should be a fun time *groan* smile

As for the holiday, I'm still looking forward to it being in the rearview mirror more than when I'm actually there but I have managed to sort things out to the point where I can enjoy my time there without any guilt about spending.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
That's a postaive step. It will be hot over there.

As I said look at every thing, every thing. You can always included a carpet shampoo on exit at your expense to saistfiy the land lord.

Tell your mind you will find a solution. They will come. Try face book local pages like for sale, we have a few in our area that act like a type of notice board. You can ask for help, there are plenty of fixers out there who would love to give you a heads up.

You sound like a fairly switched on bloke Barry.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Page 4 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard