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#2511260 11/26/14 09:08 PM
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This is about as good a time as any to start a new thread. My last thread lasted four months so I've got a better grip on how to handle things. It's nice to have this place to air my thoughts though.

As nice as it is to air my thoughts, my wife has been reading what I've written. How much and how often, I don't know. She saw that I wondered whether she would use our kids as pawns to get her way and she called me out on it. I told her that I didn't know what to think at the moment; that she's never let me down but I don't know what she intends to do. It's a horrible feeling not trusting her but the honest truth is that I don't. She doesn't have my best interests in mind and I have to look after those.

She returned home Monday night and we spoke about our situation Tuesday morning. She stated that she wants the kids in the new town for the start of the school, which I understand. I told her that I wasn't going to sacrifice my relationship with the kids to make that happen and that I needed to be able to support myself there before I would agree to a move. She accused me of controlling things again, saying it was unfair that I had the kids and not her, etc. I told her that it was unfair but that it would also be unfair to go from going without one parent to going without the other. This continued for a while and eventually she went away and did something else for a while.

When she came back, my wife was a lot more cooperative. We worked together and came up with a solution which, while not ideal, would see the kids and I in her town in time for the new school year. I missed the kids terribly when I worked away so I understand how my wife feels. The kids miss her too so I don't mind starting afresh because it's the right thing to do by them. I did have a thought the other day that I have to figure out how much it will cost to actually move as it may have an impact on the 'when' side of things but the goal at the moment it mid-January.

In other wife-related news, she is definitely creating more distance. She has told me she wants to start dating again, she has referred to me as her "ex-husband" openly in front of me, and she is making plans to stay elsewhere when she returns home. It is approaching summer here so I am moving back into the master bedroom as it has a working fan and air conditioner and it will be far more comfortable for sleeping. It is also near the kids as the bedroom I was staying in, the guest bedroom, is at the other end of the house (and the fan doesn't work). I don't want to move as the kids will be confused and they've known it as "mummy's room" for some time now but we've had some hot nights here recently and I would like to be comfortable of a night time.

So now my next couple of months just got a little hectic. I still have work, kids, house and uni to sort out and now I can add finding new work, a new house, tidying up the current house and yard on my own, packing, moving and unpacking again. All in two months. On the bright side, my uni results are still good so I'm coping alright.

TL;DR - wife is creating more distance and I am planning on moving to her town in mid-January in time for the start of the new school year so the kids have access to both of us.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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It's funny the things you take inspiration from. I'm home alone and I just finished watching the movie 'Sex Tape'. If you haven't seen it, it's very funny. One of the more poignant lines in the movie is "people forget why they started f***ing in the first place." As funny as that line sounds, it hits home because I did forget why I got together with my wife in the first place.

Before watching the movie, I was quite reflective of where I've been and where I'm at now and admittedly, I missed my wife. Not the version of the woman who wants very little to do with me but the woman I used to talk to online and sit around watching trashy reality TV with. I even thought about our sex life and how it was compared to how it wound up. Safe to say, I forgot what I had and I took my wife for granted. She took me for granted too. We're both to blame for where we are and it will take both of us to work towards a better outcome, if my wife chooses to reconcile at some point. None of this takes away from what I did; what I did was selfish, stupid and hurtful and I deserve everything I've got. At some point though, I hope my wife and I can remember what brought us together in the first place and rekindle it. And I hope that when that happens, I remember to tell myself what I've got and to cherish it.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
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Nearly a year for me too, it goes faster than you think. It feels like is crawling in the early stages.

It will work out the way it will work out. It sounds like your doing well on your issues.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Thanks Ggrass. I'm doing alright. Enjoying the separation, understanding where I've gone wrong and hoping for a better future. I'm at a point where I want things to work with my wife while understanding that we both need to make changes for it to work. I'm in but my wife isn't right now. I'm moving forward either way and hoping for the best.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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Hi Barrybran, based on the previews I saw, I'm stunned that Sex Tape has triggered such profound reflection ;-)

You sound very at peace with things, which is a great place to be. It's nice to know that there are a couple of Aussies out there who have reached that point!

Last edited by ganb8te; 12/20/14 12:21 PM.

H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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Sex Tape surprised me. Every Jason Segal movie I've watched has been humourous and a bit of a pointless boys-club film. This one was actually really funny and quite meaningful when it came to relationships, albeit in an often crude manner.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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OP Offline
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Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
I don't post for a month and I have a couple in a couple of days again. I've had an interesting day today. I started sorting through items in the house to make things easier when it comes time to move. I found a few sentimental items from my wife and kids and other things sparked some positive memories. It was pleasant but bittersweet. It left me looking forward to seeing my wife and kids later in the day.

So much for that! There was no sign of my wife or kids after lunch so I went to the shops to grab a couple of things and they were home by the time I got back. My wife didn't acknowledge my presence, only spoke to me when we were sorting out Christmas presents and then bailed me up over things family members have said to her that I supposedly said (that were misinterpretations or straight out lies). I was pissed off and told my wife that the information she received was false, clarified what I had in fact said, re-clarified what I'd told my wife of our current situation regarding the kids. I also told her that I had made many mistakes in our time together, learned my lessons and that I was trying to rebuild relationships, not tear them apart again.

Currently, I am waiting for government support to be approved before I start looking for a house and work in my wife's town. I've told my wife that I won't sacrifice my relationship with my kids and that neither the kids nor I will be moving until I'm confident that I will be able to support myself in the new town. I am aiming to move in late January in time for the start of the new school year but am prepared to wait until Easter if need be.

Somehow, this got twisted into a guaranteed move or me sending the kids to my wife while I stayed here. I was livid when I heard the second part, especially as I told my wife very assertively that I would not be sending the kids to my wife's town without me as it would transfer my wife's problems (missing the kids) onto me. My wife didn't have much to say about that and neither did I after that.

Later, she washed her car while I sat inside. I decided to go and help her because I don't want to be petty. I'm not going to stoop to everyone else's level. I've made my mistakes in the past and I'm determined to be a bigger, stronger person moving forward. While I was out there, my wife was being rude to me and I called her out on it. She wasn't impressed but she started speaking to me more nicely. I'm not going to put up with substandard behaviour towards me anymore. We both accepted far too much negative behaviour towards each other and there's no need for it. I am going to treat her more respectfully, as she deserves, and I expect the same in return.

My wife is heading home again now so it's just the kids and I for the afternoon and the next couple of days. Christmas was aready going to be awkward enough and now it's just going to be downright uncomfortable. I know I screwed up but I'm over the negative behaviour from her and everyone else.

All in all, I stand by my decision to recommit to my family. My wife may not want to be a part of it right now and that's her decision. I know I'll be fine whatever the outcome but I do hope that my wife comes around eventually. Right now, I just want to get to the new town and start my new life.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
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B,

Let your actions define how people perceive you, let good moral value define the path you follow, and let your principles be the light through the darkness........Remember words are hollow, manipulations transparent, and the low road is dirty.

Rise above others...and BE THE CHANGES YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!.

All else will fall into place as it should my friend...as it should.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
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Thanks for your input, LFW. It's nice seeing you in here again.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
I was thrown another curveball today. My wife's friend offered to look after the kids while I was at work so when I dropped them around, she brought up Christmas details as we have both been working through my wife and everyone has different information about the day.

Once we cleared up the plans, I raised with her the conversation I'd had with my wife on Sunday about things I'd said that had gone around a circle and back to me with some untruths. I said that whatever had been said between my wife and her friend was between them but that being the central figure in my kids lives now, that I was trying to work more closely with my wife's friend and her mother, as for all intents and purposes, they are family and I had failed to do so in the past.

We had a brief deep and meaningful about the situation, not my relationship with my wife, but the dynamic between all of us and how it would affect relationships, particularly as relationships will change when the kids and I move. To her credit, she listened and expressed her thoughts without berating me, which she would have had every reason to do so, particularly given what I'd put my wife through.

I felt a lot better after the chat. Whilst I have to be careful what I say to her and her mother, it's taken me a long time to understand that they too are family and that whilst I had previously tried to segregate them, they are an important part of my kids' and wife's lives and I would like to rebuild my relationships with them as much as I would with my wife. I can't blame them if they keep me at arms distance given the way I have treated them but they have been excellent so far since my wife has been away.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
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