Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
hjoseph #2528062 01/16/15 10:28 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
Originally Posted By: hjoseph
Gathered from my counseling sessions for PTSD: My insecurities. Undervaluing my worth. The constant feeling of shame for what I did on deployments. They led me to think I was unworthy of the life I was living. To hide how I truly felt, I attempted to maintain the persona of the husband I used to be prior to my commissioning and when I failed, I lied.


I'm sorry you had such a difficult deployment. I can't imagine what that must be like. First and foremost, you have to address this for you. You have to love you. And it looks like you are working on it. Way to go!

Originally Posted By: hjoseph

DR has taught many great things about M. Especially, the M map. I have adopted many principles learned from DR. Its' a shame I didn't stumble on it before my separation.


You have DR now and you are learning. Onward!

Originally Posted By: hjoseph

To answer your question, my W knows me best. Any changes I have made to myself, she assumes its for her or R and are not permanent. However, I still monitor the results but no changes. At first, I thought I must have been missing the small signs. But, I did not want to confuse kindness for a sign she is willing to work towards R. I do take into consideration that she is now comfortable around me now.


It is still early in using this stuff. They like to say ACTIONS not words about changes here. Be consistent and show they aren't temporary. Marathon.

Originally Posted By: hjoseph

Caveat: If I had to describe her attitude towards me, it would be of a person who is content. I do not see any emotional struggle with her decision.(Might be because she doesn't see or feel any consequences for her decision.)She treats me a level below of being a friend. I am not called for anything else except for when it comes to the kids.


OK. Good baseline. And don't read in to the 'emotional struggle' too much right now. You said your contact was limited with W, so there is a lot you aren't seeing.

Originally Posted By: hjoseph

Its hard to know what works because I do not really see any changes in her, but I do notice the changes in me.


Are you changing for the better? Are you turning into the HJ you want to be? If so, keep doing what you are doing.

Originally Posted By: hjoseph
I want to add because I am considered a liar to her. Everything I say or do is immediately questioned in her mind. Instead of I said something, it is I claim something. I still believe I am not given the benefit of the doubt that I am telling the truth.


This is understandable. Is there a way to be honest with W about some small things? Maybe in doing something with or for you kids? Trust is built, and your previous actions have set W's trust meter to 0.


me: 45 W:45
M 20 years
T 22 years
S14, S13, S11, D9
BD 2/28/14
D papers served 3/3/14
I moved out 3/15/14
MC start 4/2/14
I moved in 6/2/14
D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
hjoseph #2530182 01/23/15 02:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
H
hjoseph Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
Update:
I am in a great place right now. I have been consistent at the gym and the track. Making new friends. Went a work-vacation week with a friend. Women are coming up to talk to me. It feels good to be wanted again. I finally have a life. The thought of my M still comes but it does not bother me as much anymore. I feel as if I am in the process of letting go of my M and opening a new door for a new M with my W or someone else. I feel confident and happy.

Last Saturday, W and I attended our S's soccer game. It was the first time where it was not awkward to be in each other's presence. There was no conversation still. A few months ago, I would have been sad and angry at the fact my W does not speak to me, that she does not want me and that she chose someone else over me and our family. I would have blamed myself for the failure of our M. Now, I am knowledgeable. This is not all my fault. My friends insist that I take the lead and I file for D. There reasoning is that I am young and have plenty of time to start over. They believe I am wasting my time fighting for someone who clearly wants out and wants to be with OM. Their recommendation goes against my belief and I still believe in my M. I still Love my W. I owe my children at least a chance at having both parents at home. That is why I am here.

I have reread DR/DB in order to make sure I am applying the principles correctly. I don't have confirmation that she is having an A but I rather believe that she is and fighting an A is a lot tougher than I had originally thought. I have changes to myself to look more appealing and I am a great father. Since my role as a H is no longer needed, I do not act as such. I don't contact her unless it is necessary. I do not try to take the temperature of our relationship or lack of it. I do take notice when they are changes to her behavior when I have a chance for a 180, but no movement towards R. LRT is difficult because of the kids. Our parenting plan changes constantly and we need to communicate.

What do you guys think? What should I do?

Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5 Step son 5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
DB:01/09/15
Possible OM, not sure


Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph #2531110 01/26/15 04:45 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
H
hjoseph Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
Update:
Saturday, I attended SS soccer game with W and mother in law at W's request. I had planned on attending before she asked. Also, I took the opportunity to ask for the money I was owed. In the evening, I attended a birthday party with old college friends. I had a great night.

Sunday, I studied for my entrance exam. I plan on attending graduate school this summer. I picked the kids that evenings for some quality time. Usually, the W would have not cared that I picked them up from grandma's on her week, but she was not happy that I did. She made it clear that I will have to inform her prior to picking them up on her week from now on. I agreed.

I found myself accepting my new reality. I have yet to get rid off that feeling of failure, but I am no longer controlled by it.

Noticeable Changes:
-W spends more time with kids. In the beginning, Mother-in-law and I would split guardianship while the W would be out with her friends, possible OM or at work. Past 2 weeks, she has been actively looking to spend more time with them. I wanted to see this change in her for the kids.

-She is friendlier to me. Prior to a few weeks ago, she would not acknowledge me. No HI's or goodbye's. Now, I am greeted. No conversations yet.

Overall, she sounds and looks happy. Maybe b/c of OM.

Is it normal for LBHs to ask themselves, why am I fighting for her? I love my W but she is not the only fish in the sea. Do I want D? No. Do I want to keep my family? Yes. But, the disrespect, the lies and the very likely A she is having. This is a hard to swallow.

Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
DB:01/09/15
Possible OM, I didn't ask.


Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph #2531115 01/26/15 05:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
I'm going to take a shot and guess that it is normal for the LBS to have that question. I have done the same these past few weeks. Even though we have, in most cases, definitely contributed to where we are, the actions taken by the WAS hurt and make us question. Only you have the answer as to whether or not you want to tolerate it.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Squiggy #2531174 01/26/15 07:15 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
H
hjoseph Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
Thanks Squiggy. I tolerate it because I love her. Sometimes, I wish I didn't.

Thing I've noticed: W is calling more often to either pick up the kids or take SS to practice on her weeks. Those are things I don't mind doing, but I was not usually called to do those things. I would have to volunteer. Lately, I stopped volunteering because I have been so busy. I understand she is in grad school and working full time. I want to help but I had the feeling she was using the kids as way to control my time. Also, when she wants to communicate, she does not text anymore. She calls.

Last edited by hjoseph; 01/26/15 07:20 PM.

Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph #2531481 01/27/15 04:43 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
H
hjoseph Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
Phone rings at 0630 EST, I answered because I thought it was an emergency with the kids but W needed me to jump start her mother's car. On my way to her mother's, W calls again to ask for my tax filing plan, S's social security card and SS's school account login information. NC is getting a bit more difficult.

I have been reading a lot of Starsky's, sandi's and Train's posts lately and implemented them in my DB plan. I have noticed a lot of immediate changes with the W. It might a little too soon to really think she is making a turn and I don't really expect her. Also, I don't know for sure if the changes I've made are the cause of her sudden change of behavior(correlation does not equal causation)and I might be putting too much weight into this development. My W has never been one to show a lot of emotion, her actions are the way she expresses herself. I feel as if she is trying to get closer to me but I keep my life a mystery to her.

Also, we used to have a common married female friend who has kept in touch with me and is very disappointed in W due to her wanting for D. She was kind of mentor to the W until she recommended that she tried MC. The W did not like that. Nevertheless, the friend calls to check on me, not unusual. I never say much. I let her do all the talking and I listen.

She called to say that I needed to let go. It has been long. I deserve better and that W's reasons for D are absurd. When she married a military man, she should have known that prolonged absences are the norm and her lack of self esteem and insecurities are not an excuse for abandoning her H upon his return from an oversea deployment. She didn't give you the opportunity to show her the love and affection she missed while you were away. To leave a good man for an immoral man is a recipe for a repeat failure. I applaud you for fighting for your M. You are only showing how good of a H you actually are. I would have understood if you were a cheater, an abuser or an overall bad person but you are none of those. You've worked on your trauma which was your only flaw. You showed her how much you loved her even when you were 1000's of miles away. I know because she would not shut up about the things you did for her, what you bought her and the things you said. But, I need you to know that woman is gone. Let her go. She will soon realize the mistake she is making, but I want you to find someone who will give you the love you deserve. Do not waste your love and your heart on someone who does not value their worth.
After all of that, she goes off in tangent about the W's possible OM and how she could have steeped so low and be with someone who is engaged. I listened. I chimed in to say that my W's choice is her own and I appreciate your concern.

I wanted to share this conversation because it's what I've been told by those close to me and W.

In the end, my opinion is all that matters.

Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
DB:01/09/15
Possible OM, I didn't ask.


Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph #2531713 01/28/15 02:23 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
H
hjoseph Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
So, SS's school has a fundraiser and I started to raise money on his behalf. Everyone who donates, I receive an email verifying the person donated. The W asked for my login information to donate and she donated. Later that evening, the person I thought as the OM donated. This man has been constant throughout my separation. Its safe now to confirm he is the OM. For some reason, I am sad but not shocked. I am also disappointed.


Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph #2532562 01/30/15 08:50 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 194
Hi HJ

I'm up to date with your sitch, and thanks for posting on my thread. I just wanted to drop in, say Hi, and say I'm sure it's more than difficult to hear about an OM. I myself don't have that atm, but it's obviously only a matter of time if we don't R.

There's a couple of things on your recent posts that really resonate with me which are,

"I tolerate it because I love her. Sometimes, I wish I didn't".

AND

"Is it normal for LBHs to ask themselves, why am I fighting for her? I love my W but she is not the only fish in the sea. Do I want D? No. Do I want to keep my family? Yes".

(I really need to try and figure out the proper quotation box thing).

Of course you will be sad, you wouldn't be here if you didn't love her. Although it may not be a shock to you as you had suspicions, the reality of it will still be painful and dissapointing. I take it you know the OM to some degree then?

As you know, I'm no vet, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I'm keeping up with your sitch.

Good luck.

Barry.


Me 40 W 38
T 23 M 21
S21 S19 D16 S14
BD 19/12/2014
D mentioned 27/2/2015.
I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Barry #2532635 01/30/15 01:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
H
hjoseph Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 39
Hi Barry,
Thank you. I am here to learn just like you. Yes, I know the OM. We used to be coworkers and his former fiancée and I were college classmates.

Update:
Last night SS could not sleep. He could only talk about me finally coming home and how he does not want his mom to forget about me. It was hard to hear that. I spoke to him and clamed him down. He ended by telling me that OM has been in W's apartment with them in the house. I am not shocked that he was there but I am at the fact my kids were there. My W and I obviously do not share the same moral principles as of this moment. We used to, but to have OM there when no one has filed for D rubs me the wrong way. We haven't spoken about the future of raising our children or our finances. We continue this farce on Facebook where our wedding pictures are still up as if we are just having marital problems. She continues to put herself and her romantic desires ahead of the kids. I am ready and willing to call her out on her lies. She hasn't come out to say this OM exist to me. I only heard about him from a mutual friend and now SS.

I need some more tools in my toolbox . We do not communicate. I am not easily accessible to her. With NC, we haven't really talked about M or had an opportunity to call her out. I feel as if my silence has given her a clear conscious to continue this A which is turning pretty serious.

Since I have been of these boards, I have felt better about myself and my sitch. I am back to my old self. I have a pretty healthy life now that helps me keep my mind off things. I am optimistic about the future. I am happy GOD led me here. I still want my M to work and keep my family intact.

If anyone has any more advice on how to combat this A, please share with me.


Me:28 W:24
M:4 years
S5, SS5, S2
Separated: 07/01/14
Asked for D 1/09/15
hjoseph #2532676 01/30/15 04:12 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
Hey HJ

Im in a similar boat in that just found out my wife is having an afair with her business partner.
Im soon to be moving out of marital home for financial reasons. I know a lot say dont but she holds all the cards financially at the moment. As far as her realising her actions she will only see that when im gone. The splittling of family, although she looks like she doesnt care right now will be painful. Me not being there as her best friend which i still was right up to BD. Even now she is stil trying to be my best friend. I do majority of household chores. Ill no longer be there to pick that up. Will this drive her nearer to other man? maybe But i cant control what she does.

As far as NC and combatting the A its comes across from vets that there really isnt much you can do. Be civil upbeat and friendly when you are in contact. obvisuly no persuing begging pleasding andything that makes you look weak. No woman wants a weak man. Im done with being weak.
Im moving on. Im not even sure myself that i want to be with her anymore. Think a lot of it is my pride.
We all know the stats on Affairs. They very rarely work out. Affairs are built on lies and deceit. When it is exposed it generaly takes some of the shine off. If/when they have a proper normal open relationship then that is when you start seeing all the flaws in the other person. Sat there in their PJs rather than the sexy undies they wore on their once a week visit. They snore!! oh no they didnt do that before. They fart a lot. jees they never did that when we were sneaking around. They smoke! that never bothered me before but now.........its awful hs breath stinks. My child hates him........wow no wonder you broke a family apart for this guy..they just want their dad/mum back together. They are very messy.....i didnt notice that when i saw her for just a few hours. What happended to all the sex? See above, doubt they want much sex anymore with all the flaws they are both starting to see.
So for me I am just going to let it run its course. They are in the fog and only they can come out of it. Anything i say will, to her justify her actions even more and reaffirm her decision to choose someone/something else. If im still around and she wants to work then who knows. As it stands im moving on, taking care of my daughter 50/50 split and going to get my old self back as I have wasted too much time already trying to fix something that cant be fixed. As one vet says, you have been given the gift of time. Use it. Do stuff you want to do for a change. If things work out with you both, great if not you will be a better and more attractive person. I truly believe that no matter what you see or feel now that one day the WAW in A looks back and thinks wtf have a i done. Was all that pain really worth it.

Stay on the boards, do what works for you read what the vets say


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard