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Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: wmwb123] #2512533
12/01/14 03:53 PM
12/01/14 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
I think you're beating yourself up unnecessarily.

Do what you want to do as long as it's without guile, from an authentic place.

It's the holidays, I would guess you don't have as many family customs in Jan . smile


OK, I can do that. And getting a tree together is fine by me. Because I think it will make D12 happy.

Both my birthday and H's birthday are in January. So that's the next hurdle. But I'll worry about that later.

Originally Posted By: labug
Things will change as they change.

You've listed what you think is good about his life now.

What's good about yours?

What new things are you going to do for you in the New Year?



My life is pretty similar to what it was before H moved out. And it's really easy to keep it that way. My days are already full with work, kids, house. And my kids are the best thing about my life right now, hands down.

I know I need to make a little more effort to get out of my comfort zone. I have some things planned for next weekend, several things, actually. That's easy during the holidays, there are more things available than I can cram in.

In the New Year, I don't know. I have a big giant list of things I could possibly do. I just need to pick some of them.

I need more friends. I need different friends. All my friends are M. And I have lunches with them like I always have, but it's hard to be the third wheel on a weekend. I've said this before, but D is just not done in my social circle. I need a bigger social circle. I was pretty jealous of Maybell's flirting stories over the weekend, because among my friends flirting with a guy would mean one of my friend's H. Not cool.

Originally Posted By: wmwb123
I'm with labug. You're not really feeding a double life. The kids know he's gone, and they know why he's gone. If he's delusional, maybe he thinks he's pulling it off, but in reality there's no secrets. I think you're doing well considering the circumstances.


I really meant from his perspective. Not that he's fooling any of us, but that he can go back and forth between lives at his whim. Have a family when he wants it, whoop it up in his own apartment with the duck when he feels like it without the inconvenience of a family. If he can live the free life most of the time and get his family fix when he wants it, why should he ever come back? Aren't I supposed to be acting in a way that makes him miss us? He can't miss us if we are doing the same things we always do together.

I suppose I'll just try my best to live with grace and dignity through the holidays and go from where I am in the New Year.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: bdub] #2512545
12/01/14 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: Underdog

rpp, I have to agree with Bug as well. It doesn't appear that you're in a good place to start all over with different traditions. You can reevaluate during the year next year and see where everyone is. It's probably easier for your kids to get through what will undoubtedly be a weird holiday with as much familiarity as you can both offer.

Hi Betsey! You are right, I am not interested in forging new traditions this year. Not for me, not for my kids. I kind of feel like it's best for them to keep things the same as possible. Fact is, H and I are NOT divorced, I don't have to push acting like it.

Originally Posted By: Underdog

In the same theme as Bug stated, have you had any ideas from reading The Best Year of Your Life?


Not yet. I have read the first few chapters and made some notes. Last night I wrote out what kind of life I wanted a year from now and what kind of person I would need to be to get it. And I can tell you in generalities what I want. Specifics are harder.

Originally Posted By: Underdog


Focus on what you can do to take care of yourself and your kids. I'd really focus on YOU this holiday. Your kids have been your priority for awhile, and the time has come for some extreme self-care. Coffee with friends, mani/pedis, new costume jewelry, a new, fun workout (pole dancing? LOL hot yoga?) - anything to give to yourself will go a long way toward making you feel better about YOU.


I am so not good at this. I appreciate the reminder.





Originally Posted By: bdub
I disagree with Labug and wmwb. I think you are allowing him to cake eat. He chose to run, let him go. Let him deal with not having a family anymore.



bdub, I know exactly where you are coming from on this. And that's why I'm spending so much time tossing this tiny thing back and forth as if it were life-changing. But after I've thought about it more, I am going to let go of what I "should" do (get my own tree) and do what I "want" to do (go together as a family). That's what feels right to me this year. Maybe after the holidays I'll have a clearer picture of how to proceed. I always appreciate your viewpoint, bdub, you make me think. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: SunnyB] #2512551
12/01/14 04:40 PM
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Agreed. The holidays are tough and sometimes its more about survival than anything else.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: bdub] #2512559
12/01/14 05:12 PM
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Eventually you'll need to make your own traditions, but what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter what he thinks. If you think it's best for your children to keep the old tradition this year, then do it. Don't even think about what WH is thinking. It's not about him.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: wmwb123] #2512581
12/01/14 07:09 PM
12/01/14 07:09 PM
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Let go of all the shoulds. I get the feeling you have a lot of those (my life was ruled by shoulds), it'sll take time and effort to let go.

I'm with Bets, about only keeping traditions that bring joy. Otherwise what is their meaning.

I dropped Christmas cards, unless I feel like it.

I dropped excessive baking, unless I feel like it.

I dropped shopping, unless I feel like it. I shop but I do a lot on line for Christmas. My list is very short these days. I do like to go to the mall on Christmas Eve and people watch.

You do what works for you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: labug] #2512593
12/01/14 07:48 PM
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Originally Posted By: wmwb123
Eventually you'll need to make your own traditions, but what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter what he thinks. If you think it's best for your children to keep the old tradition this year, then do it. Don't even think about what WH is thinking. It's not about him.


Got it. And that's very freeing. We'll get the tree together because that will make D12 happy. And that's good enough for me.



Originally Posted By: labug
Let go of all the shoulds. I get the feeling you have a lot of those (my life was ruled by shoulds), it'sll take time and effort to let go.



Of course I have/had a lot of should. How can you get to perfect if you don't do all the shoulds??? smile

Actually baking is something I enjoy, but I had cut way back on in the past few years. H didn't like to have the kitchen messed up. Even though I cleaned it right after. So I've told D12 that she can invite some friends over to bake and decorate cookies this year. And we'll get frosting all over the place.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: SunnyB] #2512625
12/01/14 10:41 PM
12/01/14 10:41 PM
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Quote:
How can you get to perfect if you don't do all the shoulds??? smile


LOL! Isn't it wonderful that we don't ever get to perfect?

Quote:
H didn't like to have the kitchen messed up. Even though I cleaned it right after.


WTF? Is he the grinch or something?

Baking is the kind of thing that is a memory builder. It's not for people who want a kitchen for show. Good grief, rpp. I hope this year you bake to your heart's content.

Back to our program, already in progress... guess what the topic of discussion was at my dentist's office an hour ago? Self care. Apparently, my hygienist and the office manager are having difficulty with this too. We discussed baking and traditions as well. My hygienist is married with 2 very small kids and apparently she grew up in the world of "should" with the rest of us. We discussed balance and what that entails. Well, as much as I could while getting my gums blasted by the ultrasonic. At any rate, she said her mom started her own traditions when she got a D. She was between middle and high schools and told me that she and her brothers were totally on board for something new and fun.

She and her hubs go up to Estes Park the day after TG for the weekend (with the kids), buy a new Christmas ornament, stay the night and do fun things (like sledding and cross country skiing) to start off their holiday season. I really like that idea. She said it helps keep her balanced for a few weeks and serves as a reminder to work on the joyful part of the season.

And I'm guessing since this has come up in two places today it's a reminder to stick with the theme. Along with actually using my Sonicare... so my public service announcement is to brush and floss and use a Sonicare daily for gingivitis. frown

Quote:
We'll get the tree together because that will make D12 happy. And that's good enough for me.


This is a fabulous mantra, rpp. For me, doing things that made my girls' lives happier became my line in the sand. If it didn't do that, I gave myself permission to cease and desist.

All my earlier threads are thankfully gone. But had you read them 10 years ago, you would have seen my dilemma that undoubtedly led to people thinking I was allowing cake eating. My issue? Mr. Wonderful really wanted to come over and eat dinner with us several times a week. I did it for a long time because it made my girls happy. And I also had my wonderful DB coach, Laurie, coach me into keeping him plugged into the family where he was allowed to be. There did come a day when it confused me. So I told him that having him there confused me and also gave me hope that he was coming home. I remember the deer in the headlights look. He agreed that if it gave me false hope and made things worse for me that he would end that routine. And then he brought the girls home with him for his time. It worked until it didn't work anymore. And for some reason, I knew when it was time to do something different. Learn how to trust that instinct.

I *will* say to you that when I had this conversation with him, I had learned how to communicate more directly - by using "I feel" statements instead of "you make me feel" statements. I had some good practice under my belt before I was ready to have this talk. And it worked out well.

Now, here we are almost 12 years later (my bomb drop anniversary is later this month) and I ask him to spend TG dinner with us. It's crazy but it really works for us. But it took time to figure out how we felt and what we could or would do for the sake of our children and not do further damage. Trust the process. It's not cake eating if it serves a good purpose. There *is* something to be said about missing you. But trust me, he knows when he goes home to his meager apartment. Whether or not this is something to tip the scales is not something you can control. So do what you can and leave it at that. You'll know.

Oddly enough, my XH is all about Christmas. He LOVES everything about it. It hasn't always been a happy holiday for me, though. I'd go through with the efforts because it made HIM happy. When he left, I revolted by decorating sparsely and one year I didn't even get a tree. It certainly mirrored my feelings, but my D20 was absolutely miserable. Turns out, I gave birth to another Christmas lover... the person who absolutely LOVES having a decked out house with all the pomp and circumstance. So I incorporated things that made her happy along the way and worked on my issues.

Her first year of college I had my house up for sale (which I wound up pulling off the market later on). I asked her dad to give her one last decked out exterior for her present. He did it happily. I had to admit that it looked nice. But what really made my year in 2012 was the pure joy she felt when we turned the corner after I picked her up from the airport. I could have put crap in her stocking, but she would have told people she had the.best.Christmas.ever. I realized how powerful experiencing the joy of others truly was.

I'd be paying someone to do it for me this year, but my roof is being replaced in a few weeks and the roofer asked me not to put up lights until it's done. So I'm working on the interior now. smile It's funny what we'll do for love. And although I still complain about the materialistic side to the holiday, I have to admit I do love my house decorated too. It all worked out because of what I had to do to get there.

And I promise you all will too. Even if you reconcile, maybe starting new traditions will help remind you that you will never go back to that life. laugh But I won't lie... the first couple of years were difficult. I just had to keep the mantra of finding balance and joy to propel me through to better times.

Some wise person here long ago used to tell us that the only way out is through. It's stuck with me through the years, because it's oh-so-true.

Hugs to all-
Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: Underdog] #2512804
12/02/14 03:48 PM
12/02/14 03:48 PM
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Good morning! Journaling: Nothing. The End. Seriously, another quiet evening at home with my girls. The only contact with H yesterday was a work-related e-mail (I handle the space scheduling for my church, he wanted a practice time/space for his band); and one about a Spanish tutor for D16. I have a few things I want to go over with him, but I'm simply making notes and saving them up for an email later in the week, none of it is an emergency.


Originally Posted By: Underdog
Quote:
H didn't like to have the kitchen messed up. Even though I cleaned it right after.


WTF? Is he the grinch or something?

Baking is the kind of thing that is a memory builder. It's not for people who want a kitchen for show. Good grief, rpp. I hope this year you bake to your heart's content.


Honestly, I have no idea what his problem with the baking was. I have no idea what his problem with my cross-stitch project "taking up space" inside a cabinet was. It's not like we lived in a two-room cabin.

And he did in fact want a kitchen for show. About a year ago, he had an electrician split the overhead kitchen lights onto two switches, one for the outside perimeter, one for over the island. H thought it would look pretty to have only the center island lights on at night. I hate it. You can turn on the perimeter from either side of the kitchen, but you can only turn on the center section from the breakfast room. The way I use the kitchen, I never enter from the breakfast room, I enter from the family room. That means I can't turn on all the lights when I enter, and to turn them all off, I have to turn them off and then walk through a dark kitchen. Did I mention I hate it?


Originally Posted By: Underdog

All my earlier threads are thankfully gone. But had you read them 10 years ago, you would have seen my dilemma that undoubtedly led to people thinking I was allowing cake eating. My issue? Mr. Wonderful really wanted to come over and eat dinner with us several times a week. I did it for a long time because it made my girls happy... It worked until it didn't work anymore. And for some reason, I knew when it was time to do something different. Learn how to trust that instinct.

I like your story. And I'm going to ask him about Christmas plans later this week. Originally, he had proposed spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas Day together. I agreed to Thanksgiving, but balked at Christmas. But I thought TG went well, and I think my kids would enjoy having as normal a Christmas as possible. So I'm going to take him up on the offer if it still stands.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: SunnyB] #2512813
12/02/14 04:13 PM
12/02/14 04:13 PM
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About a year ago, he had an electrician split the overhead kitchen lights onto two switches, one for the outside perimeter, one for over the island. H thought it would look pretty to have only the center island lights on at night. I hate it. You can turn on the perimeter from either side of the kitchen, but you can only turn on the center section from the breakfast room. The way I use the kitchen, I never enter from the breakfast room, I enter from the family room. That means I can't turn on all the lights when I enter, and to turn them all off, I have to turn them off and then walk through a dark kitchen. Did I mention I hate it?



Hire an electrician to put it back the way you want it smile
Every time you have to walk those extra steps : 1) you will think of him 2) resentment will build.

It's amazing how long I parked on my side of the garage and slept on my half of the bed. Now, my truck sits in the center and my body sleeps at an angle across the bed, corner to corner.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Re: Blindsided and on my own (10) [Re: bdub] #2512816
12/02/14 04:18 PM
12/02/14 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted By: bdub


It's amazing how long I parked on my side of the garage and slept on my half of the bed. Now, my truck sits in the center and my body sleeps at an angle across the bed, corner to corner.


Ha! bdub, I'm already a pro at taking up the entire bed. He travelled waaaayy too much on business for me not to learn that one. smile



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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