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Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 #2509704
11/21/14 07:40 PM
11/21/14 07:40 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: Jefe] #2509817
11/22/14 12:05 AM
11/22/14 12:05 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Jefe .. just caught up ... something jumped out at me.

The GAL thing ... and how you do not really want to do these things as you were "content" with the M and family. I get that ... I was the same and did not want to appear I was having a good time and confirming her decision that its better off we are apart. But ... you are just staying in limbo as she GAL's ya know?

The GAL is to get your mind off this, help build yourself up a bit .. do something different and grow, get out of your comfort zone ... reading you are still basically obsessed with your sitch ... dude you need some mental breaks from this just to get into perspective. I have caught myself on this forum reading so many sitches I realized ... woah ... I need to step away, get with God, and find center.

I recently heard a sermon ... and have been trying do this more. Spend 10 minutes outside and just sit in silence. Ask God to speak with you and guide you. I have yet to do this consistently .. but when I have been able to get into that place, I feel 100% better.


Yes, you're right. I'm going crazy. Hope414 warned me, if I didn't go down this path with long term focus and some emotional detachment it was going to drive me mad. And here we are. Thank God I have my favorite Bible study/dinner tonight with my sponsor, grand-sponsor and lots of other friends.

I like the sitting outside thing. I literally have a lake 1 mile from my house. And there's 2 more larger lakes 15-20 minutes away right next to my church's main campus. Guess I need to start putting these resources to more use.


Okay.

Just got off the phone with the wife. Cali, sounds JUST like your sitch. She was calling about the girls and money, etc. Wanted to know what I was doing tonight, why the kids are spending the night at my mom's (But I don't ever dare ask what she's doing) that kid of thing. She had a very pleasant demeanor so I played along. Then she asks, "Are you ever going to talk to me about the email?" I said, sure, what about it? She wanted to know what I thought about it and I said, "This is not at all what I want." She wanted to know if she scheduled it would I go to the free consult. I said fine. Then I asked what was the big freaking rush. She said no rush really, just wanted to know what happens next if we move forward. That so sounds like my wife. It doesn't make it any more appetizing. The rest of the conversation was nice.

I hate everything about this. I hate the way we already talk about kids being here kids being there, Holidays, Roger, ughhh. Why would anyone purposely choose this as a way of life? Okay, rant mode off. Time to jump in the shower.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: Jefe] #2509886
11/22/14 08:19 AM
11/22/14 08:19 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
NY
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Hope414 Offline
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NY
Move forward with caution and make your feelings about a divorce 100% clear at the consultation.

Do not allow yourself to be trapped into agreeing to something because it sounded right or because you are being given options. You always have the option of disagreeing with the options.

What happens in these circumstances is people are put in a negotiating position: If I give you A then you give me B.

This is a great technique if you have reached an emotional state where a negotiation is what you are seeking. But if you cannot live with any negotiation please do not negotiate. It will slide you into a depression because you have no one to blame if you make a decision you don't like.

When we are forced to live with decisions others make it is maddening. But there is not regret. Never do anything you regret.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: Hope414] #2509931
11/22/14 02:51 PM
11/22/14 02:51 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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Jefe, accept the reality of where you are. Stop fighting it. She wants a D right now. She knows you don't. Why keep reminding her?

What does unconditional love mean to you?

Has she shown you that in the past?
________________________________

I don't know what "the email" was about but it seems it's a D negotiation/mediation. Marriage has 2 parts, the straight out business part and the spiritual part. Don't get the 2 crossed up.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: labug] #2510213
11/23/14 08:29 PM
11/23/14 08:29 PM
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Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Labug, I'm trying the best I can. I have unconditional love for my wife. We both have shown this to each other a lot in the past.

It's days like today that are very hard for me. I can relate to Maybell so much. I just want my wife to come home and let us just start over so badly. But I too know that there is nothing I can say or do.

My wife was here for a little bit today to visit the girls.
She is going to a surprise party for an old friend of hers from high school so she was dressed up. She looked very nice and I told her so. Then she will be back to get the girls to spend the night.

While she is here she is telling me she added another small tablet to our Phone plan and that it actually made our entire plan a little cheaper. She didnt tell me about it Tues when she did it but then she runs back to MIL's house to get it and bring it back so I can get it all set up. Then she's talking about how we need to get Netflix set up because it will be better than what we have been doing, etc, etc.

I'm so confused.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: Jefe] #2510310
11/24/14 01:48 AM
11/24/14 01:48 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Wife just left from picking the girls up to spend the night. We had some good interaction. Lots of deep eye contact, pleasant conversation, etc.

She grabbed *some* of her winter clothes out of her closet and one more pair of shoes (there's still 10 pr left). Like she just grabbing only what she needs. I don't get it. If your leaving why not take it all? Her dresser is still here, mostly full, too. I am utterly confused.

I am also not very detached today so feeling a little weepy. I did not display this to her though, I maintained an excellent PMA while she was here. So yay me.

Kids gone, and will be back home all too early in the morning. I feel so alone tonight.

This woman has been my best friend for 9 years. We've had some really crappy times, but we've had some really amazing times too. We've had awesome adventures and lots of laughs. We've shared tears and we've shared immeasurable joy. I love how she guided our growth in the church and was amazed by her persistence at gaining a desired position in the children's ministry. We had so much fun before kids and even more after they came. I have absolutely enjoyed watching my wife become the mother I had envisioned in my dreams, she is even better that I dreamed. I was by her side during 2 30hr child deliveries. With both kids I think I only missed 3 OB visits and I've been there for 75% of the Pediatrician visits, too. I haven't wanted to miss a single moment of her life since I met her.

I wish I had some magic words or something I could do.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: Jefe] #2510390
11/24/14 06:53 AM
11/24/14 06:53 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 176
NY
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Hope414 Offline
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Hope414  Offline
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Posts: 176
NY
Jefe,

I think I speak for a lot of us when I say:

There is nothing I wish more for you than magic words that you could say or actions you could do to make her come home.


M: 62
H: 67
Bomb dropped: October 2012
R: 4-2014

I've never regretted saying "I'm sorry"
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: Hope414] #2510397
11/24/14 08:57 AM
11/24/14 08:57 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Posts: 5,301
Jefe, I really understand your pain. But by staying so 'attached' to this outcome, you are making it all so much harder for yourself. So much harder that it may be difficult to stay the course.

Remember, the reason we detach is to make this more manageable for ourselves, and I worry for you that you spend a lot of time thinking about your W and the good times you had and how much you want her etc.

If you can accept that she is gone - at least for now. And let her go - at least for the time being, that might be best for you. Free yourself to work on the things you want to work on, and everything will work out in the longer term. Either you will reconcile, or you will part, and in all of this, you will be the man you want to be.

I know how hard it is, but I really think you need to think some more about this..putting her on the 'back burner' for a bit. She will do what she will do - work on you and your life with the girls - take the focus off 'her' and put it on 'you' and 'you and your kids.'


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: Sotto] #2510429
11/24/14 01:38 PM
11/24/14 01:38 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Dallas, TX
Thank you Toots.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Jefe wants to change himself. Pt 7 [Re: Jefe] #2510462
11/24/14 03:15 PM
11/24/14 03:15 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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labug  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
What kind of father did you envision yourself to be?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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