The tone of his emails suggests, to me, that even though he has sadness about the outcome of our relationship, he isn't willing or able to take a step towards me. His own parents got divorced when he was about 3 or 4, so it was all he knew, and he has said that, since his parents got along cordially, it was kind of no big deal for him. (I think he has some unresolved issues in that area, but if he is not ready to face them, then so be it).
25years gave her M a 10% chance of survival. I give mine 1% or less.
If he was showing anger, or acting crazy, I might give it a better chance because that shows there is a lot of unresolved stuff. But my H seems calm, friendly, detached.
I've also been thinking a lot about our interactions in the last few days. I opened up a lot about my role in our downfall. He thanked me for that, told me he's happy that I am happier now... and yet still has not been able to really acknowledge his side of things. I played a big role, yes... but so did he.
And I've been thinking that this man who cannot--after a full year, after I have opened up about my responsibility, acknowledge any of the ways he specifically pushed me away or contributed to the failure of our marriage--is certainly not the right man for me. Not now anyways.
Part of me--the vindictive part-- wants him to get into a new R because I think that's the only way he'll learn that what he thought was so horrible was actually just LIFE. And that if he hasn't changed the same old Sh!t will come up for him again.
I don't think he's capable of doing that work. I think he believes that you either pick the right person for you or the wrong person for you, and it either works or it doesn't.
Fine, I'm doing tons of mind-reading. But I think the road back together is so long and filled with obstacles that I don't think he can handle. It's taken me a year to get where I'm at... I have seen a tiny bit of growth in him, but not much.
I dunno. Stuck in a negative zone right now I guess. Which means I need to GAL.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
The tone of his emails suggests, to me, that even though he has sadness about the outcome of our relationship, he isn't willing or able to take a step towards me. His own parents got divorced when he was about 3 or 4, so it was all he knew, and he has said that, since his parents got along cordially, it was kind of no big deal for him. (I think he has some unresolved issues in that area, but if he is not ready to face them, then so be it).
25years gave her M a 10% chance of survival. I give mine 1% or less.
If he was showing anger, or acting crazy, I might give it a better chance because that shows there is a lot of unresolved stuff. But my H seems calm, friendly, detached.
I've also been thinking a lot about our interactions in the last few days. I opened up a lot about my role in our downfall. He thanked me for that, told me he's happy that I am happier now... and yet still has not been able to really acknowledge his side of things. I played a big role, yes... but so did he.
At about the 1 yr mark, probably a little more, I was at a very similar place, spilled my guts to H, he was cool and detached. "Thanks but no thanks." He was calm, friendly and detached from jumpstreet. Never visibly angry with me (after the first week), never a harsh word.
I was also sure he had work to do yadda, yadda, yadda but the real crux of my story was, I still had work to do. When we continue to be worried about someone else's sandbox it's a clear sign that we're not done yet. There's still work to do.
So I let go even more, and left him to his path.
Really. Stopped looking over my shoulder to see if he was back there.
I gave my M a very small odds of making it. I "knew" my H so well.
Let go of your timeline and live your life. make the most of it you can. You're not ready for a new R anyway, are you?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Let go of your timeline and live your life. make the most of it you can. You're not ready for a new R anyway, are you?....Labug, thanks for that! I am going to write that down and post it on my mirror so I see it EVERY morning and EVERY evening. That sums up what I need to do to GAL. GREAT advice. And, so sorry, Claire, for high-jacking your post to steal a piece of advice that spoke to me.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yes, Maybell, I realized I was on Claire's after I typed it. But your threads have been EXTREMELY helpful as well.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Lots to respond to and process. Have had a tough week so took a couple days off of posting on my sitch.
Some of you may remember a while ago I wrote about how my MIL has made a photo book for my daughter every year of her life so far. Last year, she made a "When D was 2" book. I was in just one picture, and she didn't use the word "mama" once. Many of the pictures in the book were ones i had taken. I was very hurt, but never mentioned anything to her.
Since then we've had a couple of heart.to hearts, met for lunch, she's told me that while she wants to remain close to me, and loves me, she cannot discuss the M with me.
Today, she sent an email to me and my WAH requesting that we send her pictures for this year's book.
I don't know what to say or do. Do I open up to her about how I felt last year? Do I STFU and just respond to her request? Do I passively aggressively send her all pictures of me and D and see what she does?
The very thought of this book-- chronicling a whole year of my D's life in which i missed out on huge chunks-- is so upsetting to me. And her email was a "it's that time of year again" kind of tone. Ouch.
I have so much work to do and feel exhausted right now. I can't think straight about this.
This is something that you will be dealing with annually - its clearly something that's important to your MIL. It also sounds as though while she wants to maintain civil relations with you, she's also having a some difficulty navigating what is appropriate and finding a balance. I think a lot of the In-Laws in these situations struggle - there's not a lot of advice out there for how they should behave.
Do you think she left your pictures out of the book to deliberately hurt you? It doesn't sound like you do, instead it sounds like maybe she was either a little thoughtless or more concerned with her son's feelings. It's probably better to attribute the kindest motivation to her. I know this kind of thing hurts a lot, but I think you just have to be the bigger person here. Go ahead and send some photos (and definitely include a reasonable amount with you in them)- but I wouldn't say anything to her.
If you don't like the end result - I would just make your own book entitled "Mommy and Me 2014", all about your adventures together with D this year. I bet she'd love it!
