Not "broken" just...lost

[kira96]

First of all I am happy that I found out about Dh and the Dr book, this online community and also Liam Naden's stuff only days after he dropped the Dbomb. It has only been a week and a half so I'm still very much in limbo about a lot.

Anyway the main reason for this thread -

So last night I cam to a realization. It is sparked by one of the things H said when we spoke a few days after he dropped the D. (His big reason for wanting a D is that we have "no real chemistry" and thinks we never did)
He said he he doesn't want me to change, and that he doesn't need to either because neither of us are "broken" He says there is nothing to fix.

In my own thoughts and keeping in mind that I should "believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does" I think he's right. we aren't broken....and we shouldn't change...at least not random things just for the sake of changing them

I agree...we aren't broken...we just got lost. That's why a change is needed. I got lost....the real me, the me he was attracted to sort of settled after the wedding. I didn't continue to be outgoing and full of energy which was one of the things that drew him to me. I got lazy...complacent. I got lazy about myself and it reflected in other areas...like not keeping up with the house and brushing off the fact that something was wrong with our intimacy (I actually went to the doctor and found I needed a cream that balances the good bacteria down there, because the imbalance caused me great discomfort) And I think to myself, regardless of sex...why didn't I ask about it sooner? That was another area I got lazy in! I wasn't taking care of myself.

Tonight H wants to meet again. He asked to come to the house. (He's been staying at a friend's) I don't know what his thoughts are, if he wants to just talk more about selling the house (we're both young, have only owned it for a year and neither could afford it on our own, so that was (is?) his plan. I don't know if he has seen changes in me or not. I hope he does tonight.

I am committed, I know I will save my marriage. But it is still hard when I don't know what I am facing tonight. Regardless I know I am truly finding myself again and that is making me strong.


Any thoughts are welcome

Any suggestions for how to handle H tonight are also greatly appreciated

[job]

kira,

Please keep to one thread at a time when posting on the forum. The reason for this is so that we can follow you and provide advice, guidance and support to you as you walk the path on your own journey, as well as allowing you to refer back to your former threads when you are searching for something that someone has posted to you.

Also, when you reach the 100th posting on your thread, you can then create a new thread and link your former thread to the new one.

No, you are not broken...he is. Kira, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He's the one in an identity and spiritual crisis and he's the one that has to go back in time to the place where he was stunted emotionally. That time could have been as a small child or even a young adult, but he has to go back there, face the issues that are bubbling forth now, and accept what he can't change, in order to grow up to become a mature, settled man.

Okay, so you have some ideas as to what may have contributed to your part of the breakdown of the marriage. Work on those, but don't take on the parts that he dropped along the way. Keep in mind, that any changes you make, you make them for yourself and they have to become permanent. Along the way, you may have lost some of the kira that you use to be, i.e., it's time to rediscover yourself, find that to do list and work on it, get out there and have some fun and find things that keep you active and your mind busy. Do not make changes just to please him because he will know that is what you are doing...do them for you!

As for the conversation tonight, listen and validate. You'll learn more by sitting quietly and listening. When discussing things w/him, keep your voice calm and even, look him in the eye and if you aren't sure of something he's said, repeat it back to him to get clarification. The calmer you are, the better.

When you sit quietly, the answers will come and one more thing, you are going to have to dig deeper and deeper for patience as your h's journey unfolds.

[BBlove]

Kira, I totally can relate to what you're saying and in my sitch throw in 2 very young kids and you can imagine how much more of ourselves and our relationship was lost.

I've truly come to terms with the notion that he is the one with the problems and although I wasn't perfect I was 110% willing to self reflect and make the needed changes to "fix" our R. He still is not. So I took responsibility for my lost items and have worked hard on myself but placed allllll the items back on him that he tried to blame me for. Those are not my responsibility. It looks a lot different when you give back the responsibility they need to own.