@Lost: Thank you for that. I can only say that the wisdom in your words shines through.
I've always just been happy to be in the room, so to speak, when it comes to life. I take my joy from the small moments in between the big ones, which is probably why I have so many good memories. And why I can't understand why she doesn't. Like when she and I would watch TV shows together. I was truly happy to be there veg-ing with her and she probably just wanted to watch the show. Its all about perspective.
I have been beating myself up with 'why' for months now and, of course, haven't gotten any answers. I guess I feel I am owed them, in a (selfish) way. I am a bit resentful that it was easier for her to walk away than to find a way to communicate.
I have no idea how to make myself happy as of yet. I WAS happy and now that is gone. I am just working on finding some balance and understanding. And, I am not ashamed to admit, finding some way to work this out and bring my family back together.
John, I can see how you want to understand why your W says or does some of the things that are so hurtful. Making the H out to be the bad guy, and rewriting the marital history is at the top of the list. I was a WAW who did the same thing, and yet I doubt I could explain to you where you could understand to your satisfaction, B/c John, you still think of her being the same person she use to be. There is the conflict in your understanding. It makes no sense to you, right? It is not logical. Even after you do a lot of soul searching, you cannot understand her. Sometimes, there are things in life we never understand....and this is one of them.
She is going through an emotional crises. Trying to decide if it is a MLC or whatever is not the point. It is a crises, regardless of her age. She may, or may not, not show it, but she is experiencing her own brand of pain that you will never understand.....and I can't explain it well enough.
Years of stress, unfulfilled expectations, unmet needs, etc., is handled differently by individuals. She may appear to be a strong, loving woman.....but somewhere something broke in her. Perhaps it was more like a slow death for her, IDK. But she is broken and trying to find her way to some happiness for the remainding part of her life.
She doesn't want your help. She doesn't want to be around you. She is full of resentment b/c she wanted and needed more from the M than she got. Now I am not discussing fairness. That's not the issue with her. The issue is she didn't get what she wanted, and now she doesn't want anything from you anymore. Her feelings for you have changed. She is different now.
Her brain and emotions are overwhelmed with negativity about you and the MR. Maybe she needs justification for leaving, maybe she needs others to side with her, or maybe she is just so angry and frustrated that she has to have a target to aim all this bad stuff toward......and you are the target. Something caused this to happen in her. Maybe it will surface eventually, or maybe it won't. But you will not be able to resolve things until she can get rid of the resentment. She will need space and time. The fact that she is "dwelling" on it, means she is really, really angry and can't figure out how to feel better. Again, you are not the person she wants to help her.
People who really know you will not believe what she says about you. You have to realize people will believe what they want to believe (without any proof to back it up). I know that's hard, but there's really not much you can do about it. If you get into a grudge match, that sure won't make you look like a strong, confident, man of grace and honor. You can't help what she does.......but you can help how you choose to respond.
I hope someday she can find herself again. It is up to her.
A lot of damage can be done in the heart of a woman, and her H not have a clue anything is happening. Sad, isn't it, that couples can't relate to each other better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
@Sandi: Thank you so very much for your insight. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.
If some of this is what is driving her animosity, that brings up a whole other set of thoughts and emotions in me. Regardless of who she may be right now (or even if she knows who she is), shes is my wife and my best friend for a long time. I love her more than I can possibly explain. If she's in that kind of turmoil, I so badly want to reach out to her to help make that stop. I don't want her to hurt...I've never wanted her to hurt.
To know that somewhere along the line I am the cause of at least some(majority? all?) of that hurt is a hard pill to swallow. And knowing there is nothing I can do to help her makes it even worse.
I guess all I can do at this point is to be the best me that I can be and be patient. Unfortunately, patience is not a virtue I own, but I can vow to give it my all.
I can only hope that she and I find a way back. I may have more to make up for than I realized. Given the opportunity, I would gladly do just that.
Now I have to find a way to create that opportunity.
(I see that my last handful of posts haven't shown up yet due to moderation, so If my responses seem a tad out of whack I apologize)
Sandi2, brought up a point I have been chewing on since I read it. It was about my wife's resistance to letting go of her resentment. Justified or not, she feels that I am the cause of many of her problems and there is no way we can move forward until she lets go of at least some of that.
I am following Sandi's rules until the books show up in my mailbox (they can't get here soon enough, but I just checked the tracking and it seems they're being shipped overseas so may take longer than expected...thanks Amazon). I'm a service giver and affectionate type, so these rules go against my personality grain quite a bit; but nothing else I have though to try has worked so I will treat these as the better idea I never thought of myself.
That being said, is there anything else I can possibly do to foster a lowering of the wall of anger I keep coming up against? And if not, how does one react to it to get a more positive result at the end of the day? How do I avoid speaking with her first when I want to know what's going on with my son?
I just came back from going to see my son, and brought a letter that was from my middle daughter's school offering bad news about her grades.
Wife and I talked for a few minutes. We're both sick, and I showed some sympathy towards her for that (no reciprocation, of course). I asked if I could come by to read books to my son a bit later and she said ok. We talked a bit about our daughter's grades. Then I left with a quick 'bye', without lingering, a somewhat uncharacteristic bit of behavior on my part.
If this were last week, I would have tried to engage her more in conversation, ask her what she was up to (in a friendly way...I miss our talks about daily stuff), gone into more detail about our daughter's grades or would have asked her what she was planning on doing about them. I may of asked her what plans she had for the evening and would have found some reason to elongate our interactions.
You don't avoid speaking. You do nothing that indicates you are mad, cold, sullen, etc.
What you do avoid is initiating other means of contact throughout the day. Don't text or email, and don't call her. If she initiates, then respond. When yomelet home, speak to her. But let her initiate conversation. Let her lead, and you learn to listen (eyes on her as she talks) and validate when you can. Don't follow her around and talk to her. Be nice, but don't overkill, like most LBH'S want to do.
This is one of the ways you give her space and don't smother her emotionally.
I think it is real important you not try to fix her. Seriously! She doesn't want you trying to fix her.
If you will step back and let her breathe, it will do more about those walls than you may think. Stop thinking of what you can do to help her and focus on what you need to improve about yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just came back from going to see my son, and brought a letter that was from my middle daughter's school offering bad news about her grades.
Wife and I talked for a few minutes. We're both sick, and I showed some sympathy towards her for that (no reciprocation, of course). I asked if I could come by to read books to my son a bit later and she said ok. We talked a bit about our daughter's grades. Then I left with a quick 'bye', without lingering, a somewhat uncharacteristic bit of behavior on my part.
If this were last week, I would have tried to engage her more in conversation, ask her what she was up to (in a friendly way...I miss our talks about daily stuff), gone into more detail about our daughter's grades or would have asked her what she was planning on doing about them. I may of asked her what plans she had for the evening and would have found some reason to elongate our interactions.
A question for the vets: am I doing this right?
Yes, you handled it well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
@Sandi: Good to know that I may be on the right track. Now I have to make sure I am quick enough on my feet to respond properly and to be consistent in my behavior.
And you're on the money about the warning not to 'fix her'. Not that I want to really fix her, but more that I want to fix us. But I think I'm finally coming around to the idea that I can't fix us, I can only fix me. Only we can fix us, and we're not nearly there yet. No matter how badly I want us to be.
Thank you, Sandi. None of this may work at all, but this the most hopeful I've felt in a while.
I was supposed to go see my son to read before bed time tonight. I had asked my wife earlier in the day and she said they were going to watch a movie but I could come over afterwards. They were only half way through at the appointed time (she started the movie late. On purpose? Lack of courtesy? Trying to push my buttons?), so - of course - I wasn't able to read. I was only the for ten minute, long enough to say good night and she spent the entire time ignoring that I was in the room.
This, to add to my story so far, is the only other thing I see from her besides the wall of anger. Either loathing or complete, cold disinterest.
I guess I broke mold slightly as I instigated conversation, albeit briefly. I'll do better tomorrow.
sorry just catching up on your sitch....i was away for a couple months but now I am back..your sitch is 90% like mine....my WAW is having an affair OM, we are separated and she is ANGRY at me.
I will read the rest of your story and root for you bro..takje courage!.Rayz
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
