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AJM Offline
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Kira, while you wait, keep reading!


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Kira,
I've brought my comments over from the other thread that you created so that you can have them here for future reference on this thread.

"No, you are not broken...he is. Kira, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He's the one in an identity and spiritual crisis and he's the one that has to go back in time to the place where he was stunted emotionally. That time could have been as a small child or even a young adult, but he has to go back there, face the issues that are bubbling forth now, and accept what he can't change, in order to grow up to become a mature, settled man.

Okay, so you have some ideas as to what may have contributed to your part of the breakdown of the marriage. Work on those, but don't take on the parts that he dropped along the way. Keep in mind, that any changes you make, you make them for yourself and they have to become permanent. Along the way, you may have lost some of the kira that you use to be, i.e., it's time to rediscover yourself, find that to do list and work on it, get out there and have some fun and find things that keep you active and your mind busy. Do not make changes just to please him because he will know that is what you are doing...do them for you!

As for the conversation tonight, listen and validate. You'll learn more by sitting quietly and listening. When discussing things w/him, keep your voice calm and even, look him in the eye and if you aren't sure of something he's said, repeat it back to him to get clarification. The calmer you are, the better.

When you sit quietly, the answers will come and one more thing, you are going to have to dig deeper and deeper for patience as your h's journey unfolds."

Keep the focus on you and allow the man upstairs to work on your h. You can't fix or control him...you can only fix yourself and control most of what you do in your world.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks - I will also paste below my original post there and sorry about that!

First of all I am happy that I found out about Dh and the Dr book, this online community and also Liam Naden's stuff only days after he dropped the Dbomb. It has only been a week and a half so I'm still very much in limbo about a lot.

Anyway the main reason for this thread -

So last night I cam to a realization. It is sparked by one of the things H said when we spoke a few days after he dropped the D. (His big reason for wanting a D is that we have "no real chemistry" and thinks we never did)
He said he he doesn't want me to change, and that he doesn't need to either because neither of us are "broken" He says there is nothing to fix.

In my own thoughts and keeping in mind that I should "believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does" I think he's right. we aren't broken....and we shouldn't change...at least not random things just for the sake of changing them

I agree...we aren't broken...we just got lost. That's why a change is needed. I got lost....the real me, the me he was attracted to sort of settled after the wedding. I didn't continue to be outgoing and full of energy which was one of the things that drew him to me. I got lazy...complacent. I got lazy about myself and it reflected in other areas...like not keeping up with the house and brushing off the fact that something was wrong with our intimacy (I actually went to the doctor and found I needed a cream that balances the good bacteria down there, because the imbalance caused me great discomfort) And I think to myself, regardless of sex...why didn't I ask about it sooner? That was another area I got lazy in! I wasn't taking care of myself.

Tonight H wants to meet again. He asked to come to the house. (He's been staying at a friend's) I don't know what his thoughts are, if he wants to just talk more about selling the house (we're both young, have only owned it for a year and neither could afford it on our own, so that was (is?) his plan. I don't know if he has seen changes in me or not. I hope he does tonight.

I am committed, I know I will save my marriage. But it is still hard when I don't know what I am facing tonight. Regardless I know I am truly finding myself again and that is making me strong.


Any thoughts are welcome

Any suggestions for how to handle H tonight are also greatly appreciated

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kira96 Offline OP
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Thanks for your words job!

I am definitely not making changes to please him - I need to really be me. I think, whatever he is going though, true MLC or maybe something else... he became disilusioned with how we'd become...and I think that the changes I make for myself will better my relationship with others (it already has with my mother, who I had a very hard time facing about things I disagreed with and it let me to get angry with H. Even if there was a reason to disagree I was always angry too quickly too much....I think in the back of my mind I knew that.
So now I am working on that aspect of me and found it between - easy almost to go her and say what I feel!

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kira,
As you walk this journey, you will begin to find the person that you once were, i.e., pre-marriage. Do you ever think about your former self? Do ever wish that you could go back and be that person again? If so, now is the time to make those changes and find your inner self once again. We all tend to lose a part of ourselves in serious relationships, i.e., marriage, etc. We lose some of ourselves in our day-to-day lives because we are so busy w/relationships, work, families, shopping, keeping house, activities of children etc.

What types of things did you enjoy pre-marriage? How can you make your life better? What about that to do list that you never got around to checking off the items and completing?

Dbing is a tool that we all can use in our lives. It's not just used to try to save your marriage, but also to save you, i.e., to help you learn to communicate better and yes, keep your expectations within a normal range w/people.

I think you will find your journey to be enlightening and one that will open your eyes to the world around you, but you have to have an open mind in order to see clearly.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Kira,

I hope you feel less alone after these posts. Your situation and mine have a lot of similarities, from meeting in high school to buying a house a year before BD (and what the heck to do with it??) to H saying there's no chemistry/compatibility (oh, and our screennames both start with K!) I've been in Newcomers because it didn't make sense to post in MLC when my H is only 28... but as another poster said, the crisis can really happen at any time. I'll keep an eye on your thread!


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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kira96 Offline OP
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Hey Kgirl,

I definitely have been able to pull through due to the support I've found on this site. I wish you the best of luck as well.

I actually did have a talk with H last week and he asked to stay.
He seems to enjoy being back home, though he confessed to an EA which led him to think of the "what if?"

I think he noticed I was myself again and is drawn to me.
I am still somewhat scared he'll change his mind any minute and leave...
I didn't deny him being back but am certainly treading cautiously...I suppose this isn't fully an MLC if he's not following all the patterns.

But there was something...and I'm moving forward carefully.

I'm ecstatic hes back home...but am scared of him pulling away again...

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