Hello... This is hard because its barely been a week since they day my husband says he thought we needed a divorce. We've had very little interactions and he has not stayed at our house since that day. I've implemented the LR and am happy to say that at least I've had a lot of personal growth. I have faith that this will work and I know that I will forever continue to work on myself, however...I still, of course have panic and worry days.
We've only talked once after he dropped the D and I have to say I did some of the wrong things...though I feel like I got mixed results. I did ask him what he'd been thinking and he said that he felt we did not have the natural chemistry a couple is supposed to have...that we never really did. Now...we met in high school and started dating in our teens. We dated for 9 years and have been married for almost two.
One of the things he's mentioned is that he feels like we never explored ourselves as adults on our own, because we were together. That was my biggest clue that this was an MLC situation. I feel as if his thought are all "what if?" He doesn't say he's miserable, but that he is just content. that he would be "ok" but doesn't feel like himself and he doesn't want to be content, he wants to be happy.
I mean he mentioned that there are things, which I know I had to improve because I hadn't been myself, as I mentioned at the beginning of this post - I've had a lot of personal growth in this short week. I took many things for granted...and I didn't do things that somewhere in the back of my mind I needed to do...for myself!! I know that "fixing things" doesn't solve our situation, but it is essential in my and our growth.
His main thing is that he feels we are not compatible and don't have natural chemistry. He even mentioned a friend from my college days who he noticed I had great chemistry wit and who he thinks I may have dated if I hadn't been in our relationship, but at the time he just found it interesting but it didn't matter, we were together and knew we wanted to be. I find this interesting now..sure with it off and had chemistry...maybe we would have dated if I'd been single - but I know that I wouldn't have entered into a marriage with him. A big part of that was certain rather extreme views he has that I just do not agree with - and I do not see us helping each other grow.
I think one of the reasons my husband and I attract each other is just that - we don't share tons of interest, we have different views on things that actually helped us open up, become better people, help each other become fulfilled and happy...but all he sees is "We share hardly any interests at all and we have no chemistry..."
He even says he doesn't think we ever had the chemistry he, I suppose, has seen in other couples...he's very observant that way, about the microinteractions of others. It saddens me because I remember how often he said people didn't understand ho linked we were, that although we were young we didn't need others in our lives because we knew we would help each other become the best of us we could be. I even have tons of old emails were he says this multiple times, different days...
I have faith and am working on bettering myself and doing the most for my marriage but one thing is pressuring both of us in the wrong way...we bought a house last year and, because at this point he feels divorce is our outcome, is adamant about getting it on the market. This [censored] because neither of us can afford it on our own...we are young and really at the beginning of our professional careers...and I know I cannot afford it on my own. We would have to sell. He also had a plan to joins friends in a lease which would begin in two months and then he certainly couldn't afford it either, especially paying for two homes. I have no argument for wanting to hold on to the house and honestly, anything I say about not being ready to put it up yet is going to sound like I'm doing it to get revenge on him or retain him. which isn't the case. I'm ready to let him live what ever it is he needs to live through and want to have a home for us to be in when this time has passed. Since this lease will happen in the next couple of months he wants to get rid of the house as soon as possible...I don;t want to sound like a mindless, limp noodle simply agreeing to all he wants...but I also know that I cannot keep the house and that his MLC may last more than 2 months.....
He texted me this morning asking about me working out some issues with family that he thought affected our marriage. I kept it all about me and did't make any mention of us, just said I'd talked to that family member and was proud of my growth because I was able to fave her about the issues we'd had. He told me was proud of me. Then a little later he let me know he's coming by tonight after work to "talk about some stuff" I got very excited but also know that it may not be a good thing...but it could be. I think he has noticed the positiveness and growth I've gone through.
I am also scared about what may happen, and am doing my best to be ready for whatever he may throw at me.
Any thoughts or words are appreciated...and thank you for reading though my story
Hi Kira, Sorry you have to be here but you came to the right place. MLC is about dealing with "life changes" and can hit early or later. Buying the house was probably a big one for him. Get used to the "We never..." statements. It's part of the MLC script. Most of us on here have heard things like "I never really loved you, even the day we were M..." and this after 20 + years of M!
Cadet should be by soon with some things that you will need to read and study. Do this work, it's important and will give you a better idea of what you are facing.
Good luck, Kira. You will find many great people willing to help any way they can on the board!
All I can say is this .. that 2 month thing .. yeah .. its going to be ALOT longer if its truly a MLC. I agree wiht Matt ^^^^ Get ready for all sorts of things you have never heard. Buy a Starsky Spew Jacket .. I think they are available in the MLC Online store.
I have had the I have not loved you in 2, 4, 10 years now .. it grows with each battle ... they rewrite the history of the relationship. Its not a fun ride I will tell you .. but the vets here have ample advice ... you will learn not right off .. but during this journey ... its just as much about you if not more .. than it is about your M and MLC'r
Thank you guys. I am trying to take it day by day. His reasons still sound so crazy it is sometimes hard to wrap my mind around. It seems insane that when we were younger h would say he was glad we had found each other early because we made the best in us come out, so why spend time dating others and now as and older and supposedly more mature adult he thinks we never explored and we deserve someone we have with more (True, in his words) chemistry with.
Hey Kira, Just to give you some small taste of some of the weird stuff that you may hear...my W and I had been together for 25 years, M for 21. I have heard that she has never loved me in that time, she was "pretending" (must be the world's best actress!), that she loves me but "..there are many kinds of love..", just don't feel the romantic feelings, that because she didn't miss me when she went away for a week for work, that MUST mean that she doesn't love me anymore, I have been accused of hiding things from her that I didn't, and when many of the things she said she thought were true were proven not to be, she said she HAD to leave a 21 year M and break up a family because "I can't stand the way you chew your food".
One thing you will learn this isn't something YOU "caused". You didn't break them...but that also means you can't fix them either. They are unhappy, they have issues that from the past that they need to work through but instead they blame the person closest to them. Many times they become the exact opposite person they were before. If they went to church reg., they will stop going. If they were tea toddlers they begin to drink. Most start losing friends from the past and find new people who are unlike anyone they ever would have hung out with in the past. They are searching for a way out of the inner turmoil they are feeling. There are H/W's who were great, involved moms/Dad's that stop caring about the kids.
There is a script that most follow but each one's journey is unique. If I had a buck for all the times that some else on the board posted, word for word something off the wall that my W has said I'd be rich. But each person's issues are theirs and theirs alone and vary.
Just be ready for the long haul here. It was be fast and it won't be easy but so worth it!
I agree with the whole "best actress/actor" thing. In my reflections I certainly realize that i got a bit lazy with some things and took our marriage for granted - that because he said he had married me, we'd just always be married even if things seemed dull or i wasn't being myself. I've learned that all relationships, not just marriage are always growing and you have to be putting energy into it.
One of our issues was difference in sex drive. After a doctor's appointment today i found I have need of a cream to regulate certain good bacteria in my vaginal area - I knew something was up, but my mistake was not realizing earlier and just thinking "this is my sex drive and he has to just understand" I can;t imagine how lonely he must have felt...how unwanted. I know this isn't the only thing that led to this point, but I should have stepped up and admitted I needed help.
One thing you metion about being or not being "broken" It's odd - he says neither of us are "broken" that there is nothing to fix. He just goes back to the "no natural chemistry" point. He says he cares about me and loves me (as you say the whole different love thing) and wants to be bale to stay friends. He doesn't realize we are - we're best friends who both let a long, beautiful relationship get dull.
I know it may take a long time, but I agree. It is worth it. We ended up not talking today, he literally said "let's hold off for today but we definitely need to talk later this week"
Not sure what to think. I keep swinging between panicking and expecting the worst possible news to getting super hopeful that he has at least decided to work on us... I would be happy with a small baby step...that's all....
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi Kira - I heard all this: lacking natural chemistry, he is content but wants to be 'happy' (he actually said 'I'm not UNhappy, but I'm not happy), and said we were close, but we never really 'grew closer together.' I'm sorry you heard these words too. Best thing you can do right now is your 'homework' as suggested by Cadet. You will get some mighty fine advice here that will get you through whatever might be coming your way. And keep posting - let us know how your talk turned out tonight...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Kira, welcome to the boards. Not that you wanted to be here, but it's a great place to find people that understand and support.
MLC or not, what he's telling you is indicative that it's him, and not you that's the problem with the relationship. Keep that in mind when you feel anxious again. He knew you for 11 years - he knew what he was in for
I strongly suggest you read Cadet's postings. That's a lot of reading, but it's important to get a background on goes on. That helps you to not be surprised by what you hear or see. I think you'll need that in the coming days.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you - your post is encouraging! I really did feel very alone...I know there are small details that makes everyone's situation different, but I really did feel like mine was unique. I'm working on the homework and have found the MLC for dummies is amusing and is helping me realize that...no matter what he says otherwise...the childish immature on here is him. He thinks he's being more mature by saying this is "what is best for both of us" That i haven't really "grown up" yet because I was dependent on my parents and then dependent on him...sure I have lots of growth to achieve but no human stops growing! I wish he could read it and realize what he's doing...but of course any of that and he'll be pushed further.
We ended up not talking. Not really sure why he literally texted "Hey let's hold of for tonight but need to get together definitely this week." This is frustrating because one - he insists on texting as our only communication (except for this talk we wants to have) and two...
I am swinging between hopefulness and anxiety about what he may want to talk about. I think I may drive myself crazy if I continue to think as to why: did work go late (does happen) did he do his guys night (usually is tues or thurs) and if he did did he talk about us is he just rethinking what he wants to say to me, is he having doubts about what he wanted to say to me (good or bad) ahhh!!!!!! I don't know.
Another concern I have is that our anniversary is at the end of this month...I think he knows just as I do that our friends and family (save for the few we've talked to) are going to joyously congratulate us...and I fear this may push him into being even more rushed about a D.
