I feel a sense of calm. And an inner kind of ...smile.
Not a big, "haha, I knew you'd be sorry someday" kind of satisfaction at all. Just a peace of mind that everything worked out for the best.
I knew, even back when things were a war, that I never wanted my kids to have hatred toward their father. Even though I believed for a time that JR didn't deserve them in his life, I knew it would haunt the kids in their lives if they didn't create some kind of R.
I remember clearly, the conversation I had with JR years ago in a park, asking him to let us go and move out of state. I promised JR I would not get in the way of communications or impede his R with he kids. I reminded him that he knows me, and he knows darn well that's not how I operate. I asked him to please, let us go, give them time to heal. I promised him they would come back to him if he did this.
That's what happened. It truly happened. We all win because he let us go. And because I kept our garbage away from the kids. I wasn't perfect, I slipped up. But, I always got back on my path.
I repeat this often as a mantra, what I told the kids when they were young, that my fight is my fight. They can't have my fight. They could have their own...lol.
I told my kids that their R with their father was something they had to have, in some way, in order to heal. What that would look like was up to them. I explained it would probably not look like he R their friends had with their dads. But, there had to be a "place" for him in their hearts. And it was whatever they wanted it to be.
I tried to carry on the lesson of forgiveness that my dad taught me. It has gotten me far.
Time will tell, how true and lasting these changes are. I happen to believe they are. He really is not the same. He holds his face differently. It's hard to explain. His eyes are kind. He smiles now. He laughs at himself now. He used to get defensive and attack if anyone joked about him. Now he laughs.
He acknowledged that he is not perfect, and he slips up from time to time. He is aware of it now, and does what he can to fix things and move forward. He said he has to forgive himself and not beat himself up every time, just make efforts and learn.
APPLYING THIS TO DB PRINCIPLES: We completely detached. I put the focus on me and he kids. We GAL. He did 180s
It's amazing to see the growth of another person. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Wow, Shining, that was amazing! It is such a shame that it takes so many people so long and causing themselves and the people who care most about them so much pain before they can figure things out like your Ex seems to have done. I see much of what he talked about he had done in my W. She has told me that she ended every R she was ever in until she met me. Even broke off an engagement with one guy. I have watched her lose every friend she has ever had over the years because of some perceived "slight" and she would just stop being friends with them. How she talks about needing to be "in control" of her life but never feels like she has that control. How she says "That's just how I feel and I can't do anything about that", she doesn't seem to understand that she can control her reactions to her "feelings". It's like her world is ruled by her emotions and to me, that would be a horrible way to live!
Control is an illusion at best. There are just too many variables in this life that you just can't control and how other people think and act is the biggest of them all. If only the MLCer could just be able to sort this all out without destroying so much, hurting so many. All it does is delay the process IMO. There is no reason that they couldn't do this work on themselves and at the same time keep their R's intact. It's like they fight until there is no one left to fight but them self and until that time, they just can't face that what is "wrong" is inside. It cost your ex so much, his R with his kids being the biggest thing of all. He now understands that he can never get that back, all that he missed out on.
He is so right about how you stepped up for your kids. You were there for them, protected them the best you could and gave them the safety and security that that needed so badly. It doesn't seem fair that you now have to deal with much of the same from current H. He is so right that you should be proud of the woman you have become. You really are a hero!
That's what happened. It truly happened. We all win because he let us go. And because I kept our garbage away from the kids. I wasn't perfect, I slipped up. But, I always got back on my path.
I repeat this often as a mantra, what I told the kids when they were young, that my fight is my fight. They can't have my fight. They could have their own...lol.
I told my kids that their R with their father was something they had to have, in some way, in order to heal. What that would look like was up to them. I explained it would probably not look like he R their friends had with their dads. But, there had to be a "place" for him in their hearts. And it was whatever they wanted it to be.
I needed to hear this. I'm going to use this. Thanks again Shining :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you, Heather, and Matt I debated about posting smaller chunks. I don't like reading (or writing) long ones, myself.... (OK, I know, I write long, wordy sentences that I feel need to have no less than three adjectives describing each word or no one will understand exactly what I'm saying. I love words. I'm keeping that part about me because I like it.) I DIGRESS LOL. Anyway, for this one, I really wanted to keep it all together as one post. Thank you for your patience in reading the novel.
Heather, I actually thought of you and Smokey as I wrote it. Matt, Mighty, bea and a few others here with "mean ones", too. Of course, every situation is different. Every person is different. There are no guarantees that anyone else's H or W will grow like this. Even my current H. No one knows.
It does give me hope, that the seemingly impossible is always possible, when the desire is there. It had to be his desire.
If you met him before, I am certain, you would not have ever thought he was capable. And that's how I feel about my H. This gives me hope, that even if I don't believe it now, anything can happen.
I know what you mean - one of the things that is hard is that while we need to own our mistakes in the marriage, being married to someone who has real unacknowledged issues is difficult. We know that whatever we have done or not done, that something else is going on. Hard to communicate that to many people who see it as simply a breakdown in the marriage, and not a breakdown of a person.
I have not hidden from my children that I have been hurt by all of this (they are adults) but also urged them to remain open to the possibility of a relationship with their father. Right now it doesn't seem an option, sadly, as he is deep in blame mode, but I remind them what a great father he was for many years, (until the MLC monster overtook him), and not to close the door totally.
I would love for him to rebuild his relationship with his children.
I am so happy for you that you have been given this great gift, and for the part that you have played in it. You are an amazing woman.
I am very happy to read that you've finally gotten some answers and he was able to actually sit down and talk to you about his "journey". You now have a better understanding of what was going on w/him.
I hope and pray that this is the key that opens the door for more communication/interaction for both of you, as well as the children.
It definitely is a gift that has revealed a lot to you in a short span of time. You are done a great job. Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow, Shining! What an amazing turnaround! And good for him for being willing to share it with you, not all have the willingness to do that part too.
You have clearly done an amazing job with your kids and it shows. I imagine it must have been so hard to make the choices you did back then but you are seeing the amazing results now. I pray I have the strength to do the same with my kids in our future.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
It's great to hear that JR was able to tell you what he was going through and that it gives you a little insight into current H. Keep doing what you're doing. Even current H will see it, just not sure when!
Hope all is well with you and your family. Prayers to your S18 who has just left to serve our wonderful country. You truly have something beautiful coming your way
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I read your story.... nothing past that. I am in shock. There is a connection here, with you and me...
You said it before... my xh reminds you of yours. Wow. You just don't know how much I was just.... in shock or something.
Not that my xh has come to the realization that JR has or same out come or anything.... but what a similar life we have lived.
Any you though... with your strength and courage... you did what I didn't. You are amazing. I always knew I couldn't be the impossible.... but I tried. I would have until death.
You are something, Shining. Something great. How emotional that must have been. And how great that JR has realized this and realized you....
