My story advice please

[Ontheup]

Hi

This is my first post, my story and would appreciate any advice on how to proceed.
I wont bore you all with the details but I am in the midst of a WAW situation and could do with some advice

M 39
W 35
D 8
Married 10 years last August

My wife and I are best of friends, rarely argue and for the most part get along great but (the big but) we have been drifting apart physically for the last 3 years or so (wife not interested anymore) to the point where we haven't been intimate for 10 months now.
My wife for the most part of our time together was very intimate on a regular basis but this has just drifted further and further.
I would bring this up every so often doing all the wrong things, blaming, only seeing my own needs, threatening separation/divorce etc. (stupid I no know)

This however has now got to the point 4 months ago where my wife after one of my blow ups said she doesn't know if we can be together anymore. still loves me but..... you know the rest.

I did all the wrong things, pleaded, begged talked about what I said I didn't mean etc etc.

What also came out of this was that my wife feels and felt like I have let her become a single a parent. Don't get me wrong, around the house i'm great, washing, cooking cleaning I do most it but problems arise around my mother interfering and thinking she knows best about our daughter. I have never resolved this as don't like confrontation but this has built up to be a huge problem for my wife. Also as I have pushed for more affection from my wife she has rejected me (because she feels let down) which has then led me to not making effort with her and understanding her issues (not purposely)

She is extremely busy as she runs her own business and the drifting between us started around the same time she set it up. We have not made time for each other over the last few years and have just got into a cycle of blame.

I discovered Michele's youtube vids which made sense. It felt like she was talking directly to me. I then read the Divorce remedy which gives excellent advice and have read loads of posts on this site. So for the last couple of months ive been DB'ing. Ive stepped completely back from her, no ' I love you's' no more kisses on texts and emails, no more talk of us etc just working on myself and tying to stay positive. All this seems to be working. We are still together and there are signs that things are moving in right direction. Occasional stroke of the arm or big smile, loving look, last 2 days she has told me to be careful cycling into work which she hasn't done in months since this started. just little signs.

What i want to know is how long do you keep your distance. We aren't talking about the marriage at all anymore. We are just getting on with our daily lives, laughing and joking as always. I'm doing all the things i should have been doing to help out more (not to impress but because i should have been doing them anyway) and have resolved some (not all) the issues with my mum.
What I don't know is, can i ever bring up 'us' and moving forward or does it have to come from my wife? What is she never brings it up? I'm not saying shall i do this now but i'm asking is there ever a time i should? what are the signs?
I don't want my wife to think i don't want to move forward when she is giving me small signs and i'm still keeping my distance and not acting on them as i don't want to go backwards.

Any advice welcome

Thanks

[sandi2]

Hi, welcome to the community.

What I don't know is, can i ever bring up 'us' and moving forward or does it have to come from my wife? What is she never brings it up? I'm not saying shall i do this now but i'm asking is there ever a time i should? what are the signs?

Do you understand that you have to feed her emotional needs in order for her to desire you physically? This is what a woman needs so she feels connected to her H. You may need sex to feel connected. If you were neglecting her emotional needs, and yet expected her to be ready for your sexual needs....the blame game started.

DBing is about doing what works, and if she is responding to what you're doing, keep at it. Slowly incorporate those things that you know builds an emotional connection between the two of you. Forget about seeing signs to give you clearance for sex, right now. Her love tank is empty and you've got to get it filled up before anything else.

Helping with chores, spending time with the kids, etc., are all important to a working mother/wife. But the bottom line is this is seldom the reason a M ends. Women may complain about it, but they won't end a M over it. However, when she doesn't feel connected to her H, there's a good chance she will become vulnerable to having her emotional needs met elsewhere. That is what emotional affairs are all about.

I would not plan to have any talks. The talks don't won't work at this point. If she starts feeling connected, she'll get the message over to you.

Have you noticed any unusual changes in her? Does she do things that indicate she may not respect you as much as she once did?

[Ontheup]

Hi Sandi

Thanks for the quick reply. I may have given the wrong impression that im looking to get our sex life back on track. Although in the long run this would be great in the short term I know this is definitely not an option and not something im not even thinking about. I was just setting the scene that this is how I saw it from my point of view of us drifting apart.

We get on great. We always have. We are best of friends laughed and joked together all the time. A few months ago when my wife was talking about separating this stopped along with any physical contact (hand holding cuddles etc) all kisses, love you's on text and emails talk of us and we. Since I have been DB'ing we seem to be moving in the right direction in that we are again laughing joking watching shared TV programs together etc some talk of we/us. Or am I just imagining this??

I suppose what im getting at is what if things don't progress from here? I love my wife and want us to move forward. Get back to holding hands, kisses on text emails cuddles (not sex side yet) but now I have detached we are not talking about us anymore. Its like we have gone back to what we were without the above tactile bits. We're in the same bed together but under separate duvets. But then I will feel her rub her legs on me in the night or like a few nights ago she put her arm around me in the night (she was asleep) I haven't brought any of this up but is she wanting me to? Do I just keep doing what im doing and wait for my wife to bring it up if she wants to?

I am taking my daughter to her granddads for Halloween (wife's suggestion she is not coming) At first I mentioned about her coming but she is very busy work (runs her own company) so I just left it. Now she has made subtle comments about being on her own for Halloween etc almost hinting at me to ask again for her to come. I haven't because im not sure if im just dreaming this stuff.

My 40th in 2 weeks and she was asking about a very expensive gift she has seen for me asking me to try it on but as far as plans to do anything we don't have any and nothing has been mentioned. I've not said anything. Christmas also coming up. We usually do xmas for all the family but as of yet no talk of it. I wont bring it up. I mentioned once about a Christmas list for her. She has now dropped a few hints about things. Should I bring it up?

According to your rules I shouldn't be bringing anything that is us/we related up I know that.


As far as respecting me I don't think I have seen anything different. She is a very strong willed determined woman. Runs her own business in a mans world so our roles are probably opposite to what most couples are. She definitely wears the trousers in our relationship but i'm ok with that and always have been.
Is she having an affair? I very much doubt it. She doesn't really have time, not having lots of unusual nights out or texts etc etc. I have not seen any evidence to suggest she is

Thanks again

still confused

[sandi2]

As far as respecting me I don't think I have seen anything different. She is a very strong willed determined woman. Runs her own business in a mans world so our roles are probably opposite to what most couples are. She definitely wears the trousers in our relationship but i'm ok with that and always have been.

What about before the M. Did she wear the pants then?

In the intimacy of your bedroom, what are the roles?

[sandi2]

How are you doing? Hope you will post often.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi

This is my first post, my story and would appreciate any advice on how to proceed.
I wont bore you all with the details but I am in the midst of a WAW situation and could do with some advice

sometimes we really need the "Boring" details b/c they help us, to help you. Just so you know.

M 39
W 35
D 8
Married 10 years last August

My wife and I are best of friends, rarely argue and for the most part get along great but (the big but) we have been drifting apart physically for the last 3 years or so (wife not interested anymore) to the point where we haven't been intimate for 10 months now.
My wife for the most part of our time together was very intimate on a regular basis but this has just drifted further and further.
I would bring this up every so often doing all the wrong things, blaming, only seeing my own needs, threatening separation/divorce etc. (stupid I no know)

Glad you see that this^^ is about the opposite of what would motivate most women to feel amorous. Even when you feel justified, and most of us always do, Div Busting is really about doing what helps the situation, even if you don't feel like it...

This however has now got to the point 4 months ago where my wife after one of my blow ups said she doesn't know if we can be together anymore. still loves me but..... you know the rest.

I did all the wrong things, pleaded, begged talked about what I said I didn't mean etc etc.

What also came out of this was that my wife feels and felt like I have let her become a single a parent. Don't get me wrong, around the house i'm great, washing, cooking cleaning I do most it but problems arise around my mother interfering and thinking she knows best about our daughter. I have never resolved this as don't like confrontation

DING DING!! DING DING!!! A button of mine has been pushed. No one LIKES confrontation...I cannot stand the implication that your wife or others DO.
Of course you "don't like" it, who does?

An adult (and certainly a husband, man or mate) is still supposed to be able to handle it and not let it fester and poison a relationship....


but this has built up to be a huge problem for my wife. Also as I have pushed for more affection from my wife she has rejected me (because she feels let down) which has then led me to not making effort with her and understanding her issues (not purposely)

So the Mexican Stand off continues...welcome to the way many of us end up getting on this site...

She is extremely busy as she runs her own business and the drifting between us started around the same time she set it up. We have not made time for each other over the last few years and have just got into a cycle of blame.

I discovered Michele's youtube vids which made sense. It felt like she was talking directly to me. I then read the Divorce remedy which gives excellent advice and have read loads of posts on this site. So for the last couple of months ive been DB'ing. Ive stepped completely back from her, no ' I love you's' no more kisses on texts and emails, no more talk of us etc just working on myself and tying to stay positive. All this seems to be working.


Great! How's your mom doing with the child? Did you talk to her?


We are still together and there are signs that things are moving in right direction. Occasional stroke of the arm or big smile, loving look, last 2 days she has told me to be careful cycling into work which she hasn't done in months since this started. just little signs.

What i want to know is how long do you keep your distance. We aren't talking about the marriage at all anymore. We are just getting on with our daily lives, laughing and joking as always. I'm doing all the things i should have been doing to help out more (not to impress but because i should have been doing them anyway) and have resolved some (not all) the issues with my mum.


really? What does your wife think of that??

What I don't know is, can i ever bring up 'us' and moving forward or does it have to come from my wife? What is she never brings it up?

literally, "never"? She will....don't be goofy. She's not happy in the marriage as it was so if she now is, she'll tell you. And if not, she'll also tell you.


I'm not saying shall i do this now but i'm asking is there ever a time i should? what are the signs?
I don't want my wife to think i don't want to move forward

She does not think you are fine without any physical intimacy and frankly, I doubt she is. Maybe...but I don't know what your sex life was like before OR if she has truly got a low sex drive OR if you two had a good sex life once upon a time. IF SO, I'd pretty sure she misses it like you do. Why wouldn't she? .

when she is giving me small signs and i'm still keeping my distance and not acting on them as i don't want to go backwards.

Any advice welcome

Thanks

Stay the course (b/c it's working) and if she does not know about the talks you have had with your mother (and I hope you told your mom that as well intended as she is, she is hurting the marriage a lot, which does NOT help her grandchild at all), I hope you'll tell your wife about them.

[25yearsmlc]

According to your rules I shouldn't be bringing anything that is us/we related up I know that.


The "rules" are NOT rules. They are guidelines Sandi assembled based on the books MWD wrote. She jotted them down one afternoon but They are flexible and may not apply and usually cannot all apply.

For instance, If you were super detached before hand and that was why your w wanted out, obviously "no pursuit" would be more of the same. And you'd avoid that.

What are your 180s? And GAL? Yes, those do apply to you.

And finally, why not tell her what you'd like to do for your birthday? Not necessarily about a gift, but an activity or visit somewhere, etc.

[RAI]

Dear SRD,

I am sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. I share may of your concerns regarding how one knows what the spouse is thinking. Although my sitch is a bit different, my last post from today was very similar to yours. It is tough interpreting what each and every action means when you suddenly don't know your spouse as well as you thought. So I definitely feel your frustration.

I am curious: what do you know about the people your W works with? Remember, the decrease in intimacy preceded your reaction to it (blaming, etc...). This makes me suspicious that your W has some exit from the relationwhip. Assuming your mother has always interfered, do you wonder whether anything happened to trigger a decrease in the intimacy? think back. I would think very hard about the existence of an EA.

Best of luck,

RAI

[Ontheup]

As far as respecting me I don't think I have seen anything different. She is a very strong willed determined woman. Runs her own business in a mans world so our roles are probably opposite to what most couples are. She definitely wears the trousers in our relationship but i'm ok with that and always have been.

What about before the M. Did she wear the pants then?

In the intimacy of your bedroom, what are the roles?

Hi

My wife has always been the more dominant person in our realtionship even before we were married.

As far as roles in the bedroom it was very even split. We had a great sex life up until about 3 years ago. Then it has died a slow death.

[sandi2]

Going back to something you said earlier......

She is extremely busy as she runs her own business and the drifting between us started around the same time she set it up. We have not made time for each other over the last few years and have just got into a cycle of blame.

Not having time for each other over the course of a few years can be a killer to intimacy for a lot of women. It goes back to that lack of emotional connection. If her LL happens to be quality time....you can see how it is hurting. Unlike with some men, going without sex doesn't necessarily mean she will be as "ready" as you may be. With some women, going a long time without their H's physical affection only makes her colder. But people are different, so IDK with her.

I would work real hard to set up a get-away together and see if that would give things a kick off in making a connection again. I think you will see real quickly if she warms up or not. She may not be interested in physical affection immediately (since it has been several months)but as I said before, her tank needs filled first. Start with trying to make that time for each other. Being alone together and having some relaxation might help.

If you get no cooperation at all, then there may be another problem that will require you backing off and detaching.