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#2501843 10/29/14 11:43 AM
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Thread #6. There were some really good resources and information shared towards the end of my last thread. I highly recommend reading the posts from sandi, Maybell and others starting 10/27/14.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2501802&page=1


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2501844 10/29/14 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted By: lostluv
just reading up on your thread to help me consider how to handle IF my situation gets to the point that my W wants to date others. something I'm not really wanting to think about right now
Trust me, you won't want to think about it even if it gets to that point. Definitely don't waste your energy on those thoughts now. Since she told me, the happiest I've been is when I have not thought about it for a day or two (basically since I got food poisoning 2 days ago lol)


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2502127 10/30/14 02:00 AM
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Lots of contact the last 2 days with WAW, mainly regarding D2. She has also been following up on my health, like 4 or 5 times in 2 days, which I do appreciate. First time she has genuinely, outwardly expressed any real care for me since S. Have tried to show gratitude without being over the top or any "please let me help you like that!" kind of stuff. I know she is just loving me as a person, cousin or colleague (take your pick). Not even close to reading into any of it, so that is a WIN for me.

Had to go over to her apt tonight to pick up D2, unscheduled. WAW coming down with some kind of throat/fever thing. I told her I was sorry, hope she feels better, but again didn't take it over the top. While I was there, she asked me if I could take out her trash. For a moment I thought about the boundaries (haven't mentioned a word of it to her), but thought, "okay, she's sick. don't be a jerk to pound my chest about my boundaries". I took the trash out, told D2 to give WAW a hug and kiss (on the cheek, not the lips!) goodbye, and leave swiftly while being friendly but not best-friendly like I've tended to do.

Other interesting thing coming up with WAW is Halloween night. I have D2 on the schedule that night. We set the schedule before the "dating bomb", so it didn't even cross my mind what that night might look like. Just figured WAW would come over for the trick-or-treating, especially since she picked out the costume. We're all going to a big get-together at my cousin's house (most of whom WAW hasn't seen since the night we announced to my family what was going on, in July). WAW is nervous. I haven't been too reassuring, but again, not a jerk. Typically from now on I don't want to do things like this with WAW while she is "on the market", but I figured it's a special occasion that she has some right to participate in if she wants, plus I'm sure D2 would want her there (although she is still young enough to forget her for a few hours if she wasn't). I just thought this was too special of an occasion to tell WAW not to come. D2 will only be 2 on Halloween once, and WAW searched on Etsy for 2 or 3 weeks for the costume. So I'm letting it go. I really don't know how it will go Friday, though. I'm not going to stand around WAW like everything is normal so she isn't uncomfortable. We'll see.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2502187 10/30/14 01:59 PM
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Once again, I am so grateful I did not have to go through this with young children. Hang in there, Card.


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Nitty #2502269 10/30/14 05:35 PM
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Mine still isn't as bad as people with kids beginning a little older than my D2. They take it much worse, it seems.

Today I'm inspired by the earliest post I can find from board vet Underdog, from 10/22/03:

Originally Posted By: Underdog
My H left in early Jan 03. We entered mediation the following month--not with the intent of Big D, but to learn how to live separately until decisions were made.

The mediator spent some time with us reviewing our financial situation. Yes, it was very uncomfortable because you plan with the assumption that this will be carried over into the divorce. I was very uneasy about it, but since I was the one who requested mediation (we have 2 D who are young), I had to live with it.

Initially, it was a different mindset. We had to go from using the word "ours" to taking individual fiscal responsibility. He pays me child support and we operate out of different accounts.

I will tell you honestly that after the initial shock of operating this way, it has worked very well. We are living under the agreements we made during mediation, and it has allowed us to avoid having to discuss finances while repairing our relationship. In a nutshell, it has allowed some peace and for H to take control over his own money. He's always been a saver, so I never had to worry that he'd go off half cocked with spending. Neither have I, so we're okay with this.

A good friend of mine was actually divorced from his W for 3 years and they have now remarried and are extremely happy. Nothing short of a miracle, you know? Anyway, he told me that they kept their money separate when they remarried. Oddly enough, it's pretty much the same arrangement that H & I have, and he said it has allowed both of them to take responsibility for things. They both contribute to savings, etc. He agreed that the power struggles have disappeared because they are both contributing. Obviously this doesn't work if one of the parties is not earning an income, but it has definitely helped me.

It doesn't have to sign the death knell--just look at it as a means to heal. Best luck.

Underdog

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...8067#Post168067

I am in the midst of going through the financial separation. No ill will or hard feelings on either side, and at this point it is obviously necessary. This post gives me hope that it can be a positive down the line.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2502807 11/01/14 02:14 AM
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Made it through Halloween. Just a get-together at my cousin's. i had a great time and so did D2. Her first trick or treating. Weather is terrible, so we only went to 10 or so houses. Sweet memories smile

WAW was there and was very nervous. I knew she was because she was asking me for reassurance the last couple of days, worried about one or two of my cousins, in particular (first time she'd seen most of them since S announcement). I just said it would be fine. At the party it was hard, though. WAW was a little clingy to me just because of how uncomfortable she was around everyone else. I really wanted to eat that up and be her "BFF". Instead I was friendly but kept my distance somewhat. Kind of let her squirm a little, not like I wanted her to, but just so I didn't keep pretending like everything is cool. One of my cousins loves her, though, and she was warm to her. I was happy about that.

So we went our separate ways, I went home with D2. WAW started some friendly texting. Sent me a couple pics from the night, I sent a few in return. After a couple of jokes, she asked where I am in the final season of The Office on Netflix. We had talked about watching the final season together after S. I found out a couple of weeks ago that she'd been watching it without me. Kind of hurt at the time because I still had it in my mind that we were going to watch it together. It was hard for me to say, but I said:

Me: you go ahead and finish it. I don't think I should watch it with you right now.
WAW: Ok. I wondered if you regretted me going tonight.
Me: I'm glad you went. You're a great mommy (validate her as a mom since she has always been insecure) and D2 always deserves to have you there for things like that. I know you were uncomfortable. (Validate her feelings tonight, acknowledge that I was aware).
WAW: I think it's important for us to be able to do things with her together
Me: I agree. But it depends on the things right now. I feel different about that kind of stuff while you're dating.

She never responded directly to that comment, but I was fine letting it go like that. Ended up with a few more exchanges about candy and going to bed. So, I wasn't planning on pushing a boundary talk, but that came up organically, I thought. I didn't launch into details, motives, etc. like I would have before.

Thoughts? I know I don't have to ask you guys to be honest


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2502813 11/01/14 03:05 AM
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I've been thinking about this for a bit. And there was no reason at all for you to mention the dating thing. You did that for yourself I think, to see if she'd take it back.

Don't do that anymore. It's a form of pursuit and you have things to do right now, to put yourself back on track. Don't take the dating thing so seriously. It's hard to let it go, but it won't do you any good. She will or she won't. You get no say. Not ok... But true.

I'm glad you had a pleasant interaction with her and I hope they continue.

I want to say more, but I'm not sure what direction to go. So I'll just remind you to stay in your own sandbox. You've got plenty to do here, and plenty of friends happy to support you in doing it.

Be well.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2502851 11/01/14 11:25 AM
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I didn't intend for the dating comment to be for her to take it back, but I can see how you are interpreting it like that. And if you see it like that, I'm sure she could have, too. So, yeah, mistake. I'll try to not mention it again.

My intention was to clarify why I'm making that decision, that's its not just because. But I guess that was unnecessary. I like the sandbox image. I'll try to remember that to help me with my decision making going forward.


Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
Card29 #2502884 11/01/14 02:27 PM
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I knew you were trying to set boundaries but I think you could have dropped it, too.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Jefe #2502936 11/01/14 05:05 PM
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Hahahaha learning how to handl WAS is like learning a new language. So many different things to try to blend together. I agree that mentioning dating/OM should be avoided. Don't let her think it has a hold on your mind...that means she has a hold over you...that means she isn't risking consequences for her behavior...so in a weird way the more you talk about it the more she'll keep it up. OTOH...when you explain that family time isn't happening you are trying to SET consequences.

Definitely didn't fit in this exchange, and I think a rule of thumb is not to bring it up without a good reason and time to reflect or get advice. But you already knew that. Mainly just wanted to give you kudos for trying to follow the advice you've been given and staying in charge despite how tough this is. Hang in!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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