Hey GGG(G), Hope GUBU is finally realizing just how stupid losing you would be. Let's just hope he is maybe coming out of his tunnel. In the end, it's going to be up to you to decide if you have outgrown HIM! Just be careful and watch those expectations, he may need more baking!
Oh Goatgal....you have brought some bat-inspiration to my rather batless life for the past while.
The dark knighteth returneth and I have brought a bottle of french canadian bat Merlot & Riesling!
That is SOOOO encouraging that your H has warmed up to you...baby toddler steps rawk.
and yes I think you should belt out your harmonious jazzy voice in triumph! I have been kareoking like a fiend twice a week...and even go by myself! let the good times roll as I sing every sad 1980s Richard Marx song that I can!!
But for you today I sing "Wagonwheel" by Darius Rucker...cause I am a canuck bat version and its a good honkey tonk song
I was reading your post about crying in the foodstore. I know, me too. like you, i can always see someone worse off, or know of them - and make myself man up and get past it.
something about the time we 've spent in foodstores, picking up someone elses favorite thing- a treat...
i'm lonely too- i feel cheated because i didn't have kids also. . Nobody had a gun to my head- it was half my decision also - i DID however loosely plan to have this guy in my life forever, which he lied and lied to further. who the heck knows about this junk - it sure is junk.
. I still feel that nobody has everything- we all get some of this, and not some of that. there are many tradeoffs and decisions in life- we do the best we can. maybe i spent too much time being grateful for what i did have - to wo rry about what i did not.
ANYWAY- YOU SOUND okay tho, i think it's natural to be lonely- better to acknowledge it than to shove it all down all the time. life alone is not pleasant.
i can remember times when i'd have killed for some solitued- ha!!! that saying about "if you got half your 2wishes - you'd double your trouble" sure seems true.
funny old life isn't it?
anyway- i couldn't kill a chicken ei ther - i'm even squirmie about bugs these days. i gu ess the more vulnerable we are- the more we respect the vulnerability of otehrs. animals are people too.
oh well- onward and upward. wish i had something smart today- KNOW YOU'RE IN GOOD company- and good for you to hone in on the good stuff - positive potential in you.
i think (gulp) we'll come out of this okay (someday) - i'm pretty darn sure - so as long as we're takin those steps forward -
fall down 23, get up 24...
xxoo have a great day (or try anyway) and you're soooo rite about the voting - now if there were only some such thing in this life and country as REAL & total equality for women- but it's waaay better than it ever was before - soooo - we keep movin forward rite??
Not meaning to hijack or anything, but I can sure relate to being lonely. Just in the past few weeks, I've seemed to have noticed it more and more.
I don't know....maybe you get past the heartache or mostly past it, then the loneliness sets in...Just babbling out loud.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Sorry if I caused any worries! (But it's nice to know I'm missed!) Thanks Maybell, Wonka, for checking in on me.
I've just been doing a LOT of thinking, not as much GALing, but I have been woodshedding pretty non-stop for this recording project, and the music is going very well indeed.
Turns out this project has taken on a life of its own and now I'm doing some of my own arrangements, and perhaps even some of my own songs. There have been offers to back me up on any gigs I can get, as well as performing with some area bands.
This is great news for me and my future. ----------------------------------------------------------------
I have been laying lowand just pampering myself; eating well and getting my head straight, getting to bed early after a good dinner and a hot lavender bath, taking my vitamins and getting plenty of exercise.
This coming weekend I have a big dance event and that will pretty much be like running a marathon, and I just wanted to feel rested and strong; I plan to burn up the floor and bare my soul... -----------------------------------------------------------------
As for GUBU, it's about the same. I still get the oddball texts (now I am sort of used to them so I they're not as funny as they were, but still pretty strange.) He is back to telling me his whereabouts, has been staying here later, planning his weekends around mine, pretty much here every night right after work, then back to his friend's place.
If he is having some exciting life, I see no evidence of it. He listens, barely, when I mention anything I've got going, and his lack of enthusiasm is no surprise either.
He never did take his bass guitar and amplifier to "his" place, as he threatened to do. I think I am correct that that statement was only to tell me "hands off" his instrument because I might have "too much fun" with it!
He has shared little things with me about work, fixing the lawnmower... just day-to-day inconsequential stuff. We talk about the dogs, the problems they're having, who's have what procedure done.
This week he doesn't seem as perky as he has. This is also the first weekend when I did not go out, so he didn't stay over. I just saw him for a bit each day as we did a few chores together. He's been riding his bike each morning, and, I suspect, drinking a lot at night. He looks TERRIBLE.
If he were to ever actually GO out with one of his online dating targets, I doubt they'd find much to be attracted to. Even with my "Marriage-Goggles" on with our good history, prior to BD, I don't see an attractive man there at all. It's sad, really. ----------------------------------------------------------------
For you ladies who were fans of the "Cock-Of-The-Walk", the broad shouldered Big Black Rooster, Poe, he has found a new home with plenty of chicks to chase around. H convinced me that the senior rooster, Bart, just had to have his place back. Yup. That's what he said. Now he keeps talking about how much "Happier Bart is now." And Bart IS happier, but it's hard not to see the parallel here. ------------------------------------------------------------------
I have had a few benchmark behaviors I have been looking for to see if H was making any progress in terms of his thoughts about our M.
So far, he has done nothing for me other than to leave me a beer. (Guess when he has an 'extra' he can part with.)
He has yet to ask if I need anything, if he can help me, or ask how I'm doing. He will do things like buy gourmet pizza and eat it in the car on the way over, but doesn't think to get a few slices for me, even knowing full well that I'm having trouble keeping my weight up. (Yes, he does know.)
On the other hand, I am doing some small Acts of Service for him, like bringing him a hot thermos of coffee when he's been out cutting logs, that sort of thing.
If I ASK if he'd like x-y-z, he usually says "No thanks." It *feels* to me that he doesn't want me to do anything for him. CAUTION: MINDREADING ALERT!!!!
I *think* he feels like such crap, that the idea that I'd be nice enough to do anything for him almost makes him feel worse. I *think* that he needs to believe the things he told himself about me that justified his actions. If I am kind and forgiving, fun and sexy, funny, upbeat, and fun to be around, have similar interests and many things in common, not to mention ongoing projects where I can swing a hammer too... well, that all kind of messes with his head.
And on that endeavor, I can say that I AM, in fact, giving him a run for his money! There is really nothing he can point to to say "See? And THAT's why I need to get away from her." He's got ZIP.
And I *think* this is starting to pile on pretty deep in MLC GUBU's psyche. He's got to wonder what he's running from and be aware of what he's destroying. And what kind of woman he's throwing under the bus.
(Where she has the nerve to throw a party! ) -------------------------------------------------------------------
So far, three big announcements about "wanting to talk about the future" but still not a peep. I'm not helping him on this one.
It occurred to me the other night that, "wanting to talk about the future" probably doesn't mean about the divorce. I *think* the wording would have been different. I *think* he would have said something more like "We need to talk about moving ahead/how to move forward/how to start the process...."
I went out on a bit of a limb today; just mentioned that I was going to make a Thanksgiving dinner for myself since I have no invitations and I want to enjoy my holliday... and that he'd be welcome to join me.
I stupidly tied this with asking if we could finally bury our little dog that weekend, since she's been in the deep-freeze for a few months now, so when he said "Um... we'll see..." I'm not sure if he meant the meal or the burial. I *think* looking back, that he meant the burial, but I wouldn't swear to it.
Either way, I'm fine. I'll have a nice meal alone, and if he wants to eat, that's up to him. NO EXPECTATIONS. I have a big dance event the day after, and great plans through my birthday in Feb. (and anniversary of getting the D papers.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting things:
He acts and speaks as though we will both be in this same spot (me living here, him being here on some level) through the next year at least.
He informed me that I should wait until I get new glasses because he increased "our' health insurance to include vision benefits this year.
What the heck.., I'm going with it. I am grateful that he is keeping me on the insurance. Guess he will continue until we're divorced. He does value his ability to provide, so...
He says "we" and "our", instead of "me", "mine", and "you/yours". Whatever that might mean. Nothing, something, or he's forgotten he's filed for divorce. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
I have experimented with very small touches, on his shoulder to get his attention when he's had the protective earmuff on, that sort of thing.
All I can say about that is he doesn't flinch. As he has in the past. But I wouldn't say he's exactly lingering at my touch.
He still appears to be locking his truck (so I don't snoop" And find what? I shudder to think). I try not to let this hurt my feelings. Yet it does. I'm working on that.
I have completely STOPPED LOOKING AT ANY AND ALL STATEMENTS which would give me an indicator of any of his activities.
I don't look at the banking, credit cards, nothing. I made a point of handing him "his" last credit card bill without even opening it. As if to say "I couldn't care less what you're up to." And for the most part, that's true.
Not having any intel has helped my detaching quite a bit. --------------------------------------------------------------------
Although I want to ask him if he's still in therapy, I don't. He has not missed his chores due to a therapy appointment at least. Don't know. Nothing I can do about it.
He is, however, still writing and now he is READING. I *think* he wants me to ask him what he's reading because he's mentioned it in his nighttime texts several times now. I figured the next time, I'd bite and ask him about it.
He's never been a reader except for the rare book, and the way he talks about this "reading" sounds as though it's "homework" as I think the "writing" has been.
(I hope he's reading all the books we recommend!!!!! Wouldn't that be something?) ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Now for the part they all said would come.
That at some point, it comes down to the LBS to decide whether or a future R would be possible with the WAS/MLCer.
I am approaching that point. The point where I am becoming detached enough that I can see things more clearly and wondering whether or not I'd ever want this man in my life again.
There has been so much pain, so much hurt and trust destroyed... he has treated me so terribly, not just BD and infidelity and all that, but looking back I think the emotional distancing and sexual coldness/lack of affection and attention bordered on emotional abuse.
Yes, he was a good guy in many ways, but now I'm starting to wonder if I accepted too much. I am feeling happier on my own than being with him and having to deal with the passive-aggression, stonewalling, and lack of attention and closeness.
I have decided I want more, and that I will not settle for less. Whatever part of my life remains, I won't waste it in a half-life marriage.
I'd rather be alone. I really would. There is so much work he would have to do, and it would have to be permanent.
I have continued to learn and grow throughout my life, and I see now that he has not. In fact, he's sort of shrunken into someone I hardly know anymore. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
He still appears to have zero compassion for anyone, especially me. Every time I am around friends and family who love and appreciate me, it throws up into stark contrast to the way H is now, and particularly the way he is WITH ME. He treats me as though I was contaminated, and I'm possibly still infectious.
Yet, HE is the one who betrayed ME. I have never done anything to cause him to feel this way about me, except for being so hurt and angry after BD/OW that I said many things to him I would have never said to him before. Hurtful things. But true things, or true at the moment, anyway. Things I would have never said to him about how unhappy I had been, how I tolerated his treatment of me grudgingly... and more. It was said in anger, and I am not one to say hurtful things to people. But I was in pain. I lashed out at him in a way I had never done.
Frankly, I think seeing that side of me frightened him. And hearing me say all the things I had stuffed over the years made him realize that his way of "handling" me and the M was really cruel, and that it was OVER.
I brought up the negative things he did, like finding excuses to not do things with me, to not be intimate with me, not be fun and friendly towards me, refusing to communicate about his thoughts, undermining and diminishing any unhappiness I expressed about the M. Keeping secrets, expending his sexual energy on porn, being manipulative and passive-aggressive.
I have never said a word of anything along these lines since Feb 2014, and the worst of it, well over a year ago. I'm supposed to "let it go" and yet I feel like he is the one holding onto the pain I CAUSED HIM. Because, according to him, I should "dump that victim crap."
I swear he feels that HE is the victim of me saying mean things to him after the emotional equivalent of him running me over with a steamroller.
Ten times. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
I have had enough of this.
I look at him now and I'm starting to wonder what I ever saw in this man. He is a far cry from the man I met almost 30 years ago. I am struggling to find that person in his face, body, voice, and actions.
To be blunt, he is now an unattractive, out-of-shape senior citizen who is unhappy and angry, fearful and passive... who keeps secrets and has too many problems to list here. He is not fun, he's not vibrant, he's a drag to be around and he adds nothing of value to my life except for things I could pay someone else to do if I had the money.
I know this sounds cruel, but it's the truth. The qualities I valued in him the most; his fidelity, his devotion to me, his "Sterling Character" (and yes, I often used that phrase about him) were either never really true, or they're just gone...maybe gone for good.
Without those qualities, a shared history and entangled lives is not a good enough reason to stay. I can't go back to how things were. My eyes are open, the glasses are off, and I am seeing things clearly for the first time.
He's not a terrible person, he's just a very damaged one. I feel sorry for him at this point, because I predict his comment "I will die alone for what I have done" may well come true.
This experience has helped me to grow, to learn about myself, and to wise up about relationships and understand what I want going forward.
I just don't think he's up for it. And, if I can be blunt, after what he's done, the idea of being close to him physically at this point actually makes me cringe. I can't see that changing. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Funny, I didn't feel this way until recently.
Even after I discovered OW. Even then I wanted him to hold me and kiss me, and tell me everything was going to be OK, that he loved me and was going to make it right.
I held onto that for over a year now. I kept my heart open and watched him continue to trample on it.
Now along with detaching, I feel my heart closing to him. A big part of it is because I am really thinking things through and I am using my head as well as my heart.
And what they say is true. It's not dislike or anger, it's just indifference. I just find I don't much care as much anymore. Maybe it's another cycle for me, maybe it's a clue to what's coming next, I don't know.
I am just trying to be realistic. I know I can never be happy with things as they were between us "at their best." It would have to be SO much better.
I would like to believe in him, his ability to grow like I have, but how can I?
This man still can't even make the slightest gesture to make himself vulnerable. He was actually better at this last year, before I started DBing, when I was driving a lot of R talks.
It's a fact that those pushed him further away, but he was talking about his feelings more. Now it's like we're both pretending what's going on isn't really going on at all.
*sigh* -------------------------------------------------------------------- So I continue my GAL, PMA, thought-stopping, and I am doing a LOT of soul-searching.
I am trying to decide if my sticking here any longer is because of the difficulty of physically moving and starting over, leaving my home and "kids", and giving up the idea of having that partner who'd be with me through thick and thin, and---the ego-blow that frankly, PISSES ME OFF, the "how dare HE leave ME!!!"---if I am being honest, that's part of it.
That I put up with so much of his chit only to have him toss me aside like an old boot. Do I just want it to be MY choice? Sometimes, like now, I think so.
This is also going to sound crappy, but I think I can do so much better. Either on my own or with someone else. I keep thinking about good things that being on my own will bring, so many changes that seem positive.
And now, I don't think I'm having a MLC or planning on being a WAW. I'm just being practical and as honest as I can be.
I think I may have outgrown him, is all. I think I've learned so much, that I can no longer settle for the crippled emotional connection that he was able to give.
Even if he can improve in that area, it will never be natural for him, it's likely to be a constant struggle. It basically would require a personality transplant.
I just no longer see much that I like in him, much less love about him. And as far as physical attraction goes, it's in the negative.
It s*cks, but this is how it is now. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Just keepin' it real, DBers. This is my journaling journey.
I guess we'll see what my increased detachment brings as far as his actions.
Carry On!!!
Your Pal,
The Goat Gal (G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Over the years I always saw the best in him, whereas recently he tried to find so many things "wrong" with me to justify the way he felt and to excuse his actions.
Things are now reversed.
The complaints he had about me had little to no value. The more I consider the few issues he brought up, the more I can see that they were deflections from dealing with his own issues.
They say to look at everything and decide which complaints "sting" and therefore have merit, which complaints are valid and things that we should change.
Well, the complaints, such as they were, were very much extensions of his own problems. He took responsibility for my emotions, so if I was ever upset, he got upset with me. And I didn't get upset often. Any minor frustration I expressed, he took as a personal blow. Maybe because he felt he was supposed to "make" me happy.
If he was generous with money, and I wasn't "happy" all the time, then there was either something wrong with me, or he wasn't doing his job of "making" me happy.
There was a lot of this stuff.
Yet, my requests for attention, affection, and emotional closeness, quality time, not only went unaddressed, they turned into attacks on ME.
Now since BD, he believed because he was unhappy, that it must have been my fault for not doing my job and making him so. Therefore, I deserved what I got from him.
Because he "Gave me EVERYTHING".
His "reasons" for not ML with me in the past were also smokescreens for his problems. He turned things around on me, saying I wasn't attractive, I wasn't political enough, that I said or did this or that minuscule thing. All manipulative. All designed to avoid pointing the finger at the REAL PROBLEM, which resided inside of him. His problems with porn and intimacy.
But he tried to make it about me. This has been our entire relationship. There was a constant distancing act going on with him, and I learned early on to accept it.
But I lied to myself.
I DID want a good, strong emotional and physical connection with someone. I didn't get it with him. And looking back, it was a bargain I struck with myself which was unfair to me.
I want those things NOW.
I'm not saying I was perfect, but there was very little he had to complain about. I see now I pretty much let him walk all over me emotionally.
So the tables are turned, because the things he said about my failings were LIES, and I see now they weren't true.
And the good qualities I believed he had are no longer in evidence.
I know I'm rambling now, but one of the reasons I haven't been posting is because I've been doing so much thinking.
I am much more of a human than he wanted me to think I was.
And he is much less of one than I believed him to be.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Funny, isn't it, GG? How we can be married for so long, and just accept so much of this as the normal give and take of a marriage. And then once the WAS forces us to reevaluate everything..... sometimes we start to see that they really weren't very good to us throughout the marriage. I still think I had a better marriage than most, there were lots of good parts; but truth be told, I spent a lot of it being unappreciated by an unhappy critical husband who couldn't appreciate what a gem he had. And I say that, not out of hubris, but because EVERY lover I have had since the divorce has said it to me!!!! Not one of them can figure out why any sane man would have let me go (yes, it's true, a couple of them let me go too, but only for legitimate reasons having nothing to do with me). My current boyfriend, The Keeper, says he wants to send my ex a thank you card. And he loves me exactly the way I am. it's a welcome change.
