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A Message from Michele
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Re: KGirl con't [Re: KGirl] #2515011
12/08/14 08:20 AM
12/08/14 08:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
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gan Offline
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I love that article KGirl! Can we do a mass mail out to our WAHs? ;-)


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: KGirl con't [Re: gan] #2515082
12/08/14 02:58 PM
12/08/14 02:58 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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Wait a minute, Carrie Bradshaw was complicated?

(actually I wasn't a watcher of SITC but I have seen a fair share of episodes. Maybe I missed those in which she showed complexity)

About your question to me, it can be because of his needs but it doesn't mean he has to be blamed for but if that makes it work for you, so be it.

I think always needing to place blame on the outside keeps us from looking inside. We shouldn't "blame" ourselves in a masochistic kind of way but rather take these moments as opportunities and ask what am I supposed to learn here.

Have you read the driving post I wrote on Maybell's thread? I think it relates to this discussion.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: KGirl con't [Re: labug] #2515084
12/08/14 03:00 PM
12/08/14 03:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
This is the pertinent part: Do you ever get into power struggles with other drivers? Maybe those who seemingly ignore the "Right lane closed ahead" signs and then want to be let into the line of traffic. Perhaps we decide they don't deserve to be let into the lane.

Why does that bother us? In the scheme of things, what difference does it make? Are we teaching them a lesson by not letting them in? Have we been caught in a similar position through no fault of our own? Why do we allow ourselves to get emotionally ensnared? What is it in us that makes it so important to win, when there really is no win. There isn't even a competition, except within us.

For me the answer is, there are rules and rules are to be followed. "Good" people follow the rules, "bad" people break rules and then expect to be treated like good people. "Bad" people deserve punishment. (I was a very black/white thinker) It doesn't take a neuroscientist to figure out where that comes from for me. The task is untangling all that programming in my present life. Disengaging from the past.

Then we can stop allowing the past to control us.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: KGirl con't [Re: labug] #2515173
12/08/14 07:18 PM
12/08/14 07:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Colorado/USA
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Pink17 Offline
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Labug I like your way of seeing things, I really feel through your words that you have been learning a lot for a long time.
If you have a chance, please help a bit, I am somewhat very confused.

KGirl, I wish you can let go on all this resentment... it's not good for you alone.

It hurts more on you then on him now. I am no expert, but I have been working with my IC in some of my childhood grudges, resentments and I am learning how to forgive and let go and it is working for me, I feel better.

Now I can see that many of my fears, insecurities, inferiority complex were all connected to my resentments. I just wish I had realized this long ago and did the work I am doing now to let go of all these feeling that did not add anything to me but pain and more pain.

Listen to Labug, her analogy is perfect. At some point, who is gaining, who is losing, why the competition?

Hope you find peace in yourself, it's hard, it takes so much tears to get so deep in our souls and become clean with ourselves. The last 4 months of my life have been the hardest ones, but in some ways I am happy that I can finally be myself, no more masks reflected in the mirror.

Hugs!
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Re: KGirl con't [Re: Pink17] #2515291
12/09/14 12:11 AM
12/09/14 12:11 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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Hmm... Bug, I'll have to think on your post on the driving thing some more. I thought about it the whole way home and all I could come up with was: sometimes that's the case, and sometimes it's not, and maybe the key is knowing when it is the case vs. isn't. For example, I work at a university with college students, and a lot of what I do philosophically is about the educational experience, learning life lessons, and holding people accountable for their actions. A student emailed me last week about how she needed 4 very specific classes to graduate but three of them were closed, and wanted to know what I could do to get her into them. I looked at her history and she waited 3 weeks to enroll in classes from when she could have. Had she enrolled 3 weeks ago she would have gotten into all of them. This student has a pretty lengthy history of not doing things until the last minute, asking someone to fix it for her, someone will fix it, but then note "I told the student that in the future people wouldn't be so accommodating when she does not plan ahead." But, every time people accommodated her anyway. We talk a lot about setting students up for adult life after this, and this is in no way being helpful - you can't walk into your primary doctor's office and say "I would like to see the doctor today for my regular exam." Could I have tried to push to get this girl into some of those classes? Possibly. Am I going to? No, this is not something I should be spending my time on. Her failure to plan shouldn't constitute my emergency. But now she's furious and complaining to anyone who will listen that I won't help her. I don't know if that made sense, to summarize: isn't it sometimes appropriate and necessary to enforce consequences? One of my past supervisors said it very well: "In our job, we have the power to take away consequences for people... that doesn't mean we should do it often or regularly." If a student plagiarized and violated the rules, we can't say "oh, I understand how hard it must be to write that paper... you can stay here." They will get kicked out. Maybe it's a matter of separating that from my personal life, I don't know, but I also think when people don't treat you well, there are some consequences (like not maintaining relationships with them and setting some boundaries).

Maybe I just need more time to get there.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl con't [Re: KGirl] #2515300
12/09/14 12:45 AM
12/09/14 12:45 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Colorado/USA
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Pink17 Offline
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I agree with all what you said about consequences, but I do not see it so straight forward as you see.

For many things in life it is you do this and then that happen and if you don't then you lose, or is late, have the aggravation. I know that is they way it is supposed to be, but in R it's a little more complicated, in my opinion.

There are a lot of external emotions as well as internal emotions and they build up with time. Feelings are a very hard matter, love is something amazing and in the same time very complicated.

And the master of all... communication. Most of us can communicate quite a lot throughout our lives, but in R the communication gets distorted, misunderstood. And that's why most people say that it is very hard to live together, to be married to someone for many, many years without trouble.

One day we wake up feeling a little crappy, we go to work or do errands and the day does not improve, it gets more crappy, then we came home and the other half is there feeling really good. H/S says something funny and you are not in a mood, you want to just be quite and go to bed. You resent you other half because he did not notice how crappy you are feeling, and the other half resent you because you are not a fun person to be with.

Next thing you know you are creating resentment, blindness, hurts that will stay with you for a long time. Then the next time there is a misunderstanding, it start to build up.

We are human beings, beautiful creatures, but we are complex in the area of "Feelings".

So, if we are able to recognize and think about all we want to say before we do, all we want to transfer before we do, it would be fantastic, but we don't. There are just too many routes in a day and sometimes is the R that suffers the most.

I think this board is a blessing, it start opening my eyes and my brain to what it means to care, to love and to share a life with someone important to us.

I see now that it's not about winning or loosing, it's not about having more or less, better or worse... it's about giving. And doing that we always receive more.

Maybe I am too romantic and believe too much in good. I know there are bad people out there and we can do nothing about them. But maybe, if we don't judge, we can see who is who in all this.

It's just a tough, really I don't know if this is what everyone needs, I know I have been learning that some things are just not worth my heartache. I am learning to let go on all the hurts, and I have been feeling a little better every day. It is for me and for me alone, no one else.

Hugs!


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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