So, my last thread was deleted. I still need a place to journal and get things off my mind, so here I am again. Life has been such a roller coaster the last 2 years. The anniversary of BD, is just around the corner for me. I am STILL not divorced. W is currently engaged. yeah, kinda getting the cart in front of the horse, but that's her journey. I still hold an astronomical amount of anger towards her. I still feel love for her as well. Its a difficult combination for me. I have resorted to having as little contact and interaction with her as humanly possible. Even during parenting swaps, it is usually done with a word being exchanged. I know I come off as a complete jerk towards her, but I have found this to be my best personal defense. Anything engaging, still just hurts, so I pretend she doesn't exist and that makes it easier on me. Parenting life, with my D, is awesome though. I feel like I have become a much MUCH better dad. Perhaps this is the most important thing I will take away from all of this. Business life is crazy. We had a great year, but we are heading into a very complicated waters. As some may know, I lost my Mom recently. She was not only the matriarch of our family, she was also the head chief of staff in our business. In recent years, she mostly played the role of referee between us siblings, so without her being here to bring our family together, who knows what the future will hold. I feel very alone without my Mom. We were very close. I struggle with it everyday, but I am coping and understanding well. It was just her time. I miss her dearly. I lost my dad 7 years ago. He was my best friend and confidant. My parents literally held my world together, and now I have to make my own way. Its tough, but I am doing it. On top of all that, my niece passed away tragically at the first of the year. It was a harsh blow to our family, and it is still so difficult to see the effect it has on my sister and her other children. Needless to say, sometimes it has been difficult for me to find positive things to smile about....But I am doing it! Sure, I have my bad days. I have those times when life pushes my triggers, but I am mostly smiles. I am happy most of the time, maybe 70% of each day, and I think that's better than it could be. I have been trying to get back into the dating scene. I am not having much success. I am not sure if it is my area, lack of available women that would be interested in a guy like me, my age or the fact that I have never been good at approaching women or dating in in the first place. I have started to become a little frustrated with that.....still smiling, anyway. I am not sure life will ever be as good as I once thought it was, but I am hopeful.
So, there is a whole lot of nothing, about my current sitch...haha... If you took the time to read it, thank you. If you have any advice for me or inspirational input, I always appreciate hearing it
Ps: I am happy to see some familiar faces that are feeling better about life and living it. Regardless of how many times I heard, "it gets better", during my sitch, I never really thought it would happen for me. It still hasn't become good, but every day its getting better. I am glad so many of you have made it out the other side. That always gives me inspiration!
Sorry to hear about your mom and your niece. Prayers to you and your family.
"I know I come off as a complete jerk towards her, but I have found this to be my best personal defense."
That's the "worst" personal defense. Have you gone to C for your anger issues? If you're planning to date and want to end the M, why haven't you filed? You seem to rely everything on what other people do rather than doing it yourself.
Take the reins and control your future.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
1 – I am sorry to hear about the losses in your family. Losing a love one is tough.
2 - Anger hurts who? YOU – right? Let it go or find a way to process it healthy. Period.
3 – Getting back to your mom……..want to honor her? Want to make her proud? Then really pick yourself up once and for all and start to (as Mr. Bond said)…”take the reins and control your life”. It’s time buddy.
4 – If you want to date and attract women, you will need to apply the following formula. It a sure bet to work….
The formula is ……
SP fixes SP + SP fixes anger + SP gains confidence in himself + SP stops feeling sorry for himself + SP falls in love with himself * 2 = women banging down doors to date SP.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sorry to hear about your mom and your niece. Prayers to you and your family.
"I know I come off as a complete jerk towards her, but I have found this to be my best personal defense."
That's the "worst" personal defense. Have you gone to C for your anger issues? If you're planning to date and want to end the M, why haven't you filed? You seem to rely everything on what other people do rather than doing it yourself.
Take the reins and control your future.
Thank you for the prayers. They are very much appreciated
I did file. I am the one that pursued all of the divorce process. We have anchored down the parenting plan, child support and parenting schedule. The only thing left on the table was a settlement. W, no longer has an attorney. She feels that I can simply have my attorney finish up the paperwork and finalizing. She placed that in my lap, while she makes wedding plans. I do not find it in my best interest, to pay my attorney to do all of the work, charge me hundreds and hundreds of dollars, just for the opportunity to write large checks made out to STBXW. So, I am just letting it sit for now. Perhaps she will have a different perspective on her wants and needs, as the wedding draws closer. That is what I have been thinking. OM is financially secure. Maybe she will eventually just cut bait and go. This is what I am hoping for.
I want to say, that I do have feelings of anger. I also have feelings of happiness, loss, love... but they do not control my actions. How can I not feel anger? While I do know that both of us played a role in the demise of the marriage. I feel that she is the one who left. She is the one who (in a very short period of time) introduced my daughter into another mans home. I do feel that some of the people and actions that surround wife are not a positive influence on my child. I feel that W, MIL and OM have publically portrayed me as the "bad guy". That makes me angry....on the inside. I am not acting on that. I feel I am keeping it holstered very well now. I do forgive W. I understand that her reality and mine were not the same. I realize she is doing, and has done, what she feels was the best thing. I accept that. I will however, treat W in a completely ambivalent way. I am not unreasonable, nor do I say or do anything negative towards her. I am always completely open to compromising with her in regards to co-parenting. I do things, such as send pictures of daughter, on occasion. I am open to her questions and suggestions regarding parenting. I just do not act in an engaging way. I don't wish to speak with her, for the most part. I don't wish to become her "friend". I don't wish to learn about her soon to be MIL. I am not interested in what her life with OM entails. I am not interested in HER life. I am interested in my daughters life, and that is where things stand.
1 – I am sorry to hear about the losses in your family. Losing a love one is tough.
2 - Anger hurts who? YOU – right? Let it go or find a way to process it healthy. Period.
3 – Getting back to your mom……..want to honor her? Want to make her proud? Then really pick yourself up once and for all and start to (as Mr. Bond said)…”take the reins and control your life”. It’s time buddy.
4 – If you want to date and attract women, you will need to apply the following formula. It a sure bet to work….
The formula is ……
SP fixes SP + SP fixes anger + SP gains confidence in himself + SP stops feeling sorry for himself + SP falls in love with himself * 2 = women banging down doors to date SP.
I completely understand what you're saying here. I don't feel that I am broken. I am taking the reins on my life. I am in control of it. Anger isn't controlling anything. I just know my triggers and I simply avoid them. I am a very happy person today, even given some of the tragic things I have been through lately. Every day, I find something to laugh or be happy about. I am getting there...... I do feel that I need to work on your math formula a little more. I am lacking in self confidence, and I have never really loved myself enough. I need some work in those areas. Thanks for the input, Eric!
I am lacking in self confidence, and I have never really loved myself enough. I need some work in those areas.
Hey man....do me a favor....
Give me 5 words that describe you. The words would be the ones that you would use to describe yourself in YOUR words...not what someone else said to you.
Ok?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
And, I was really thinking about my original post. I feel that I used the wrong word. Rather than saying that I have an astronomical of, "anger".....I think that word should be replaced with "hurt". I am not really angry, just hurt.
At some point X began communicating through email. I setup my email client to automatically save her communications in a folder outside of my inbox. At the time this was healthier than ruminating over each one of them prior to moving them manually.
Recently I read a few of them which awakened some negative emotions, nothing severe or long lasting. I don’t stick my hand in fire or on a hot stove, but I will check for radiant energy to determine the degree of risk.
Rick is right. Hurt is normal and we will continue to hurt until we are healed or avoid the painful stimulus. Personally I’d rather heal and move on than avoid. Find the path to healing, it is there, it is personal and waiting for you to find it.
I find self confidence tricky. To build confidence I need to risk and accomplish. This is how my brain is wired. I rely upon Roosevelt’s Man in the Arena speech for motivation, research and planning to mitigate risk leading to hopefully, accomplishment.
Failure happens, finding little successes and learning from failure leads to accomplishment. Buckminster Fuller’s quote “There is no such thing as a failed experiment” and again Roosevelt’s speech influences my thinking here.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
And, I was really thinking about my original post. I feel that I used the wrong word. Rather than saying that I have an astronomical of, "anger".....I think that word should be replaced with "hurt". I am not really angry, just hurt.
Hey SP, I've followed (maybe hounded ) you from the beginning and I think you seem better. Not as angry, a little more open, less victim-y. I think you're working through this but not giving and inch before you have to.
I'm so surprised by your saying you're artistic! It doesn't fit the picture I have in my head so see how misguided we can be without really knowing the whole person. Deal with that anger in your art.
I'm sorry to hear of your Mother's death, I know she was very important to you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
