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A Message from Michele
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Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 #2498695
10/20/14 02:18 PM
10/20/14 02:18 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: Jefe] #2498710
10/20/14 02:49 PM
10/20/14 02:49 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
shodan Offline
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shodan  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
Jefe

There clearly are some positive signs in your exchanges with your W. She seems to want to be more present in your lives and in your home. My advice, and one that I NEED to follow, is continue to detach, GAL but also show compassion and kindness when you can. Be a GREAT father and friend.

If your W has guilt over what she did (and we know she does) and she thinks either you will not forgive her or she cannot forgive herself, nothing you will say will change that right now. I am sure you have told her that you will forgive her for her actions and that you also are working on yourself. What you cannot control is how she forgives herself. I prayed to God today to help my W find a way to let go of whatever resentment she has and to find a way to forgive herself. Your W and my W need to do that piece on their own, with God's help.

You need to care for yourself. I think your exchanges with your W were good. Maybe keep then shorter (I am bad at this piece myself). Sometimes, I will just send a text exchange with "TTYL". End it on your terms. Not her terms.

Keep on truckin'


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: shodan] #2498722
10/20/14 03:30 PM
10/20/14 03:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
I had not thought of the forgiving herself angle, to be honest. I have been wrapped up in my feelings about it never thought she my have self resentment over the situation. I will pray for her right now and I guess I need to see her in a little bit of a more human light. The WASs make it hard on themselves when they display the everything is great and awesome and just the way I planned it attitude.

Thanks sho


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: Jefe] #2498763
10/20/14 05:51 PM
10/20/14 05:51 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,516
California US
C
CaliGuy Offline
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CaliGuy  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,516
California US
Jefe ... Just finished catching up on your sitch.

Yeah, my W has mentioned a couple times that "I deserve better" ... she seems to be starting to see that she destroyed a family and a marriage ... and honestly .. the past couple years the marriage was not good, and like she said .. it took losing it all for me to realize what I had .. and she was right. Amazing how we all just go through life and then get the BD and all ths sudden there is very little that is more important to us than the M and the Family. I regret not appreciating this earlier .. but I have recently thanked God for opening my eyes.

Just know ... this is going to take some time ... I think that's the hardest part of it all. Your WAW is going to have to process it all .. and realize that what she is about to lose is nothing to what she will gain .... it very well may take her "dating".... just brace yourself and continue .. seems what you are doing is working. I get a feeling she is giving things ALOT of thought.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 10/20/14 05:52 PM.

M: 44
W: 44
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: CaliGuy] #2498929
10/21/14 02:33 AM
10/21/14 02:33 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Amazing how we all just go through life and then get the BD and all ths sudden there is very little that is more important to us than the M and the Family. I regret not appreciating this earlier .. but I have recently thanked God for opening my eyes.

AMEN.
God has been convicting me of all kinds of stuff that I had even forgot about. If anything, I have a much clearer picture of what a marriage should look like.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: Jefe] #2498936
10/21/14 02:49 AM
10/21/14 02:49 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
Journaling

This afternoon the W picked up the kids from school and brought them home. I was under the truck trying to get the last little bit of stuff finished. D5 has been very whiny and crying alot lately. She is not coping with the situation as well as D7. So my W is dropping them off and starts spewing at me for not getting them to bed sooner the night before because look at how whiny she is, blah, blah, blah, blah....
I respond, "She's been like that for weeks. You haven't noticed?"
Then W complains about the house, the dishes, the clothes, the lawn...blah, blah, blah, blah....
She was here an entire 5 minutes and off she went. It's pool league #1 night, you know. And Johnny is going to be there as usual. Oh, how fun.

I'm thinking to my self, if I didn't have to be both mom and dad, try and run "our" business, put the engine back in the truck and keep up the house, I just might be doing a better job. Ugh, the toxic egocentricity of the WAS's is nauseating some days. Such a stark contrast to yesterday.

She texted later and apologized. I ignored it.

A friend called today to check on me and the situation and see if I needed anything. She said she's been monitoring FB and is just appalled at how a woman can walk away from her children, husband, marriage and home and post how wonderful everything in life is. I said of course it is. It's all rainbows, unicorns, and leprechauns over here, don't you know.

Is it a felony or misdemeanor in Texas to put your wife in time-out?


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: Jefe] #2499015
10/21/14 11:16 AM
10/21/14 11:16 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
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Jefe  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
More journaling.

Text transcript from last night:

4:24pm her apology for her agitation:

W: Sorry, I'm just ready for that stupid truck to be fixed so you can concentrate on our girls and the house.

5:43pm
W:No Check (in the PO mailbox)

10:53pm (She's leaving the pool hall)
W: Hello?
W: Are you not responding now?
(Took her 5 hours to notice?)
M: I heard you
W: Is the truck fixed?
M: Almost, just need some fine tuning
W: OK, how are the girls?
M: Asleep
That was the end.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: Jefe] #2499022
10/21/14 12:52 PM
10/21/14 12:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
S
shodan Offline
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shodan  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
You are handling this well. Make sure you are the better person and handle this in a way that will make your family, your kids and you proud.

She is still way deep in the fog of alien land. Continue to focus on you but listen to her when she spews. The advice that was given to me was to really listen to the stuff that hurt the most. This feedback is probably dead on and something on which you need to work.

Would keeping the house cleaner be a 180 for you? Perhaps doing this would (1) show her that you do not need her and (2) demonstrate that you are moving forward. My W always made the bed in the morning but now never does. So I make it every morning. Why? To show her that I am moving forward and do not need her for anything. Not only might this attract her back, but it also is preparing me for what could be the inevitable (being a single dad). In the case of the latter, I will need to make meals, make the bed, clean up the house, etc.

Finally, next time you do not reply to her texts, perhaps instead of "I heard you" respond with "oh, sorry, I have been super busy, just getting to your texts now." I heard you sounds like you were stewing a bit and angry. Anger will not attract her back. Confidence will. As the vets have tried to drill into my head, be happy, positive, confident and strong.

Keep on truckin'


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: shodan] #2499047
10/21/14 01:51 PM
10/21/14 01:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
J
Jefe Offline OP
Member
Jefe  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
Dallas, TX
Quote:
She is still way deep in the fog of alien land. Continue to focus on you but listen to her when she spews. The advice that was given to me was to really listen to the stuff that hurt the most. This feedback is probably dead on and something on which you need to work.

So you are saying the things she says to me that hurt me the most is what I need to give more of my attention to?
Quote:
Would keeping the house cleaner be a 180 for you? Perhaps doing this would (1) show her that you do not need her and (2) demonstrate that you are moving forward. My W always made the bed in the morning but now never does. So I make it every morning. Why? To show her that I am moving forward and do not need her for anything. Not only might this attract her back, but it also is preparing me for what could be the inevitable (being a single dad). In the case of the latter, I will need to make meals, make the bed, clean up the house, etc.


When she left because of your depressive funk, and I was in one too, the house looked horrible. I busted my hump getting it back in order. She even texted me one day saying she liked how clean I kept the place. With everything going on the last week or so I have let some things slip a little. It still looks way better than it did when she left. But yes, I do see your point.

Quote:
Finally, next time you do not reply to her texts, perhaps instead of "I heard you" respond with "oh, sorry, I have been super busy, just getting to your texts now." I heard you sounds like you were stewing a bit and angry. Anger will not attract her back. Confidence will. As the vets have tried to drill into my head, be happy, positive, confident and strong.
I was half asleep when she was texting but I still knew it was a little snippy right after I hit send. Truth is, I am angry, I was angry last night. This whole situation has got to be the stupidest thing that ever was. I understand though that it doesn't really fit into the detaching motif. I will do as you suggest at the next opportunity.

Thanks Sho. Your input and advice are valuable to me.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Need help. Scared, confused pt 3 [Re: Jefe] #2499057
10/21/14 02:14 PM
10/21/14 02:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
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zew Offline
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zew  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Originally Posted By: Jefe
Originally Posted By: Shodan
She is still way deep in the fog of alien land. Continue to focus on you but listen to her when she spews. The advice that was given to me was to really listen to the stuff that hurt the most. This feedback is probably dead on and something on which you need to work.


So you are saying the things she says to me that hurt me the most is what I need to give more of my attention to?

When a WAW spews, she will likely touch on things that hurt her the most. It may all sound like fiction to you, but buried in the spew are her perceptions of you or your actions that drove her to this state. Whether real or not, it's what she perceives. So if you listen closely and honestly, you will learn what it is you have to fix, even if you don't agree it was broken. And if you're really honest, you will recognize some truth to what she says. Maybe she's interpreted that truth to an extreme that was opposite of your intent, but that doesn't really matter now, it's what she believes.

-Zew

That's what Sho means when he says "This feedback is probably dead on, and something on which you need to work."

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