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#144873 05/30/03 05:24 PM
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Andy-It will not let me change my user name no matter what.
Even if I open a new post it still ocmes uner the same username which shows uner "poster" My H would recognize my name. I mistakingly put that in there thinking they needed it but not knowing it would show up on every post!
When you try to to change your user name you have to enter your email address and it says they already have a user name for that email address!
Surley there is a way. I hit "contact us" and asked them how to doit but they have not replied yet.
I don't know if my SIL would tell my H about this,but I don't wan tto take that chance.
Any other ideas??


Rachael
#144874 05/31/03 01:17 PM
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Gee Andy!

I must not be very good at getting my point across anymore. Must be spending too much time with my goldfish.


***********************************************************
I knew someone would say that I gotta change myself, and if anyone would insist it would be you, Kent. It’s what you’ve been telling me all along. And ultimately, you may be right. But there’s something basic in me that I have no desire to change. It’s hard to explain, but if you accept that it’s my choice to change it or not, my choice is not to change. In a sense, my choice not to change this particular je ne sais quoi makes me miserable, but I’m not being a martyr. I’m just not allowing circumstances to force me to become someone I’m not. Make sense?
***********************************************************
I'm not really trying to tell you to change yourself as much as I suggest to change the situation for your benefit. Sounds selfish don't it.

We have spent way too much time obsessing about the "what was" and "what coulda been". We forget to live for today and we fail to enjoy the moment. My W continues to struggle with her own journey. That becomes evident from time to time. Like you, I have chosen my own path and pretty much know who I am. I try to focus on making my own path a more pleasant experience, for me and for those around me. What's great about this kinda attitude is that you begin to realize how much you can affect indirectly. Eventually, you stop worrying about the things you can't affect (like W).

Try to find a little peaceful spot where you can stop thinking so hard. Sounds like you need a break.

K

#144875 05/31/03 03:55 PM
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Andy,
I'm glad you've decided to start a thread. I'm glad you feel the BB is a place of safety, friendship and most of all a place to work out a lifelong plan... DBing, my friend.

One thing we have both agreed upon is that to DB is to do what works and to not do what doesn't. First let me get selfish and talk about what cyclical behaviors DO NOT work for me: the placing the situation in a box: the MLC box, putting a little ribbon around it and focusing on my H's problems, our M, the past, and looking at it with the MLC-tinted glasses on it. Now, allow me the courtesy to point out, IMHO, your cyclical behaviour: philosophisizing, understanding your W. I want you to break the pattern Andy and think about you. I want you to obsess about you. You have developed an amazing amount of strength in accepting the bad that happens in our lives. Life's a bowl of pits, right? I want you to let yourself smile. I want a report of the moment you smile. When you're walking down the street and you see a guy do something, like step on bubble gum on his way to the prom and crack up. Or that you look in the mirror and there's the faintest glimmer in your eye. Andy, you have so much to offer yourself.

Maybe your W would like it if you made yourself happy for a change and then she couldn't resist hanging onto your coat for a ride.

Then I want you to give me an assignment. You do not live in the gutter my friend, or on an island.

Andy, let your W fall in love with you again in her own timeframe. Look at your situation that you are one of the lucky ones. You have TIME on your hands. How can anyone love you if you don't love yourself. Look at the parts of you that you haven't looked at yet.

You do have another place to go.

SS

#144876 05/31/03 04:29 PM
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Excellent post Sarah ! Listen to her Andy !

#144877 06/02/03 12:02 AM
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Ditto Andy. DItto, ditto, ditto!


Rachael
#144878 06/02/03 12:30 PM
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Thanks everyone.

I hear ya Kent. It’s probably me who isn’t getting my point across.
Quoting KentS:
I'm not really trying to tell you to change yourself as much as I suggest to change the situation for your benefit. Sounds selfish don't it.
Yeah. It sounds selfish. But that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? I doubt anyone has posted their dissatisfaction with what they were putting into their R. Every thread on this board is about what the poster is missing from their R. Even the “I’ve become strong” posts are a reaction. Why have you become strong? What necessitated the change?

You weren’t getting what you want. Something is missing, and you find ways to compensate.

It may not sound like it, but when the moment is good, I do enjoy it. I’ll admit that sometimes, thoughts of “what was” and “what could have been” spoil it for me. I’ll even admit to obsession. My obsession isn’t constant like it was when I first started posting. But it happens.

Two or three years ago, I started to try to affect things both directly, and later indirectly. I had my ups and downs, but over the long term, things seemed to be going forward.

Things aren’t good, Kent. My latest bout of obsession isn’t about “what was” or “what could have been.” It’s about the future. I’m struggling to figure out what to do if things never change. It’s a possibility I’ve never really contemplated before, but I feel I have to now.

In other words, I’m contemplating ending my marriage.
Quoting KentS:
Try to find a little peaceful spot where you can stop thinking so hard. Sounds like you need a break.
You’re right. There’s too much krap going on, and I think it’s time to give myself a break. I’m gonna hafta return to my contemplations, but there’s just too much happening for me to think clearly, so I do have to spend more time in that peaceful spot. My plans for the future are gonna hafta wait.

Sarah,

You’re right too. But there’s a lot more to my sit than meets the eye. I’m not gonna post a detailed analysis, but I’ve been trying for an awful long time. And by trying, I’m including “not trying” because sometimes the very fact that you’re trying doesn’t work.

I do love myself, Sarah. I’m very proud of the adversity I’ve overcome, and as far as I’m concerned, there isn’t a better man who walked the earth than me. If I didn’t believe that, I’d have to agree with my W that our R is all wrong. She deserves no less than the best.

Here’s my “smile report”

Even in the darkest hours of my depression, I enjoyed my karate. It was often my only lifeline to the “real” world. But as the date of my black belt grading approached, life was getting difficult. Between my loneliness, my DD’s sit, work, … You know the story. I was missing a lot of classes, and my concentration was shot. Factor in an old leg injury, and things weren’t looking very good.

The black belt grading is a gruelling 5 hours that starts with an hour of vigorous exercise. Before it started, I knew that things would go in one of two directions. Either the “warm-up” would wreck my leg, and the exhaustion would further cloud my concentration, or the warm-up would actually warm up my leg and tire me to the point where my mind would be clear to do what I had to do.

The second situation was what happened.

During the grading, there are a whole slew of black belts who act kinda like proctors. Since my S#1 is a black belt, he attended. From time to time, my son’s voice could be heard from behind me. “You’re doing great dad.”

I smiled.

At one point, I heard a strange voice from behind. “Nice back stance.” It threw me to get a compliment in the middle of a technique, so I flubbed the next three moves. All I could do was laugh inside and pick it up as soon as I could.

At the 4 ½ hour mark, I realized that I hadn’t been kicked out of the grading. I had made it.

I smiled.

The next day there was another two hours. Mostly a show for our folks, and the presentation of belts. As I was called up to perform, my mind went blank. I couldn’t remember a thing. But when they announced the technique to be performed, it flooded back into my memory.

I put on a good show for my W and girls.

My leg hurt. I grimaced.

But I also smiled.

When my name was called out, and I received my belt from the master-sensei, you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.


Andy
#144879 06/02/03 01:35 PM
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Congratulations ANS! Good job!

rayanne

#144880 06/02/03 02:07 PM
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Well done, Mr. Black Belt!!!

I liked the smile report, too

All the best
Mel


It's time to live, it's time to love, it's time to do what's afraid of It's time to breathe, time to relieve, it's time to shine
#144881 06/02/03 03:16 PM
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Great smile report!!

Right back at cha!

'til later,
KAW

#144882 06/03/03 04:43 AM
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Quoting ANS:

I do love myself, Sarah. I’m very proud of the adversity I’ve overcome, and as far as I’m concerned, there isn’t a better man who walked the earth than me. If I didn’t believe that, I’d have to agree with my W that our R is all wrong. She deserves no less than the best.



I love that Andy, it really strikes a chord. Now I know you'll be ok.
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