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#144843 05/26/03 04:56 PM
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After 6 ½ months without a thread, I feel somehow compelled to start one. Frankly, I don’t know why. I’m not looking for advice, and I have truly run out of options. In any case, I’m not in a particularly receptive mood for advice.

Guess I’m just lonely.

The main source of encouragement I’ve clung to for myself, and offered to others was my belief in the human spirit. WAS’s want the same things we do. They want intimacy and companionship just as much as we do. If they didn’t, then they never would have entered into an R in the first place.

But a WAS has come to the conclusion that they can’t attain what they want with the LBS. S/he has come to believe that the only way to get what they want is to leave the R and hopefully find what they want somewhere else.

I still believe this is true.

I also always believed that if the LBS can demonstrate that the WAS can attain what they seek whilst staying in their current R, the WAS will discover that things weren’t as bad as they once seemed. They’ll see that the source of their discontent isn’t the LBS, and that the R can be a source of great joy.

I still believe this is true.

I always believed that, once the WAS can see that things can be better, they will be able to put the past behind them and the couple can be a team again – working towards a loving fulfilling future together. I believed that as long as both partners come to a point where they want to try, the human spirit can overcome all obstacles.

I no longer believe this is always the case.

My W and I are no longer friends. There was a time when we stood back to back against the world. When something went wrong for one of us, it went wrong for both of us. We were a team. We supported each other.

My W wants out of OR. Leaving OR is not feasable for reasons my old DB friends know about, so she lives her life and does her "job" (stay-at-home-mom).

She wants out, but there's nowhere to go. If I can't revive my M, then I have nowhere to go either.

About a week ago, our beloved DD#2 attempted suicide. W accepted support from her friends. We had nothing to say to each other.

Nurturing our children is her job, and supporting her whilst she does that is a role for her friends.


Andy
#144844 05/26/03 06:17 PM
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Andy - I can sympathize with you about the loneliness.

A lot of us are here to listen whenever you feel the need. Maybe we can even find a laugh or two somewhere along the way...


Bob
#144845 05/26/03 11:09 PM
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Hi Andy,

I know you're not here for advice or sympathy, but I'm thinking of you now...

Don't let the loneliness overwhelm you - come here and talk. ((((Andy))))

All the best
Mel


It's time to live, it's time to love, it's time to do what's afraid of It's time to breathe, time to relieve, it's time to shine
#144846 05/27/03 12:19 AM
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Andy...know that others are thinking about you. Please, do come here for the friendship if nothing else.

Sue

#144847 05/27/03 02:24 AM
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Andy,

I am distraught over your daughter's attempted suicide.

I'm so sorry. I pray she is all right. I pray you are all right.

Please e-mail me.

Matilda

#144848 05/27/03 11:38 AM
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Welcome back Andy, altho I sorry it isn't under better circumstances, but it is understandable to me at least why.
Altho not looking for advise, we all need a sounding board to kinda ponder our thoughts ... to get validation we may not be getting which starts to bring on self doubt ... to receive feedback from perhaps a different POV we may not of considered.

Quoting Andy:
I also always believed that if the LBS can demonstrate that the WAS can attain what they seek whilst staying in their current R, the WAS will discover that things weren’t as bad as they once seemed. They’ll see that the source of their discontent isn’t the LBS, and that the R can be a source of great joy.

I still believe this is true.
I, too, have hoped this is true ... now, I have my doubts, but I won't impose on your thread. All I will say here is this past weekend, my W told me she tried to regain the joy and while she doesn't fault me, she believes her source of her joy is still "out there".

I don't mean to be the downer here, but I'm begining to noticed a pattern here. First Lily, then Bridget, now Racheal, myself ... we all seem to have taken a turn for the worse. I find myself asking, How can this be?

'til later,
KAW

#144849 05/27/03 11:57 AM
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Thanks for your thoughts and prayers everyone.

My DD seems to be doing OK. I guess. I wish I was certain.

Mattie: you have mail.

KAW,

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that everyone is different. It’s true that history seems to repeat itself, and Lily, Bridget, Racheal, yourself, myself have all had downturns in our respective situations.

But Onion, Bridget’s H, Adrian, Lily, Bridget, Rachael,… All different people. All different relationships.

Perhaps there are similarities… patterns. But there are a lot of people who’ve salvaged their relationships too. My good friend Matilda is but one example.

Hang in there, KAW.


Andy
#144850 05/28/03 02:31 PM
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Oh Andy, I just got around to reading your thread. I feel awful about you D and your sitchuation.
I cannot imagine what you live day to day.
Please come here and talk to us. You have always been such a support for all of us.
I think we all go through the stages of acceptance. At first we are devastated by the WAS, then we try to be hopeful, and in that period there are many ups and downs. Afer so long though and things do not start to get better but instead deteriorate and you are simply living an existance with each other, hope starts to die. I really think there is a point of no return. If the WAS will not work on the M at all, it cannot be salvaged by one.
I find myslef in that sitch also at this point and at a crossroad.
I hate that you feel you have no options. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. I hope somehow you can find it by whatever means. Please know I care deeply for what you are living.
Rachael


Rachael
#144851 05/28/03 02:53 PM
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Thanks Rachael.

The stages I’ve gone through aren’t exactly the same since W has participated in OR. You know what I’ve gone through on my old threads. You know that despite the fact that things weren’t as I would have liked, I still had a R.

But W has run out of steam (her words).

It’s not her fault. Adrian is behaving very stupidly. My W just can’t handle an autistic son, a suicidal daughter, her own needs, and me too.

She has pondered the possibility of divorce, but she knows that it isn’t an option. It wouldn’t solve any of our problems. She needs me to do whatever I can around the house, and we simply couldn’t afford separate accommodations.

I need her for the same reasons, so all we can do is to live parallel lives under the same roof. We don’t even have enough room in our house to sleep in separate beds, though I sometimes sleep on the couch.

So the “stages” I’ve gone through were devastation, hopefulness, and dying hope. Just as you have described.

But sometimes the very fact that we don’t have options gives me hope. I don’t believe W wants to continue parallel living. Every living human being wants intimacy. She’s no different. Her only choices are to live without it, or to figure out how to get it with me.

But life gets in the way. Hopeless? For both of us? Sometimes I think so.

My W deserves happiness too, Rachael. She’s had the hardest life of anyone I know.

**sigh**


Andy
#144852 05/28/03 03:51 PM
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Hi Andy,
I hardly come here like I used to because I have not much to offer to anybody. I’ve just happened to stop by today to check on old friends. I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through lately, especially your d. I hope she is OK. Like you, I’m living in parallel world with my wife too. We even sleep in a separate bedroom and it has been for a very long long long time.

It gets to the point where I don’t even know what it would be like to sleep next to a human being. How would I react, toss and turn without disturbing anybody else. Sometimes, I wish that would happen, but in my reality right now that ain’t happen. Some nights I even dreamed about being next to someone I love cuddling with each other like spoons until the moon vanishes into the bright sky. But, that was just a dream and the nights continue to be empty and lonely.

LAN (LonelyAtNight).

Last edited by LonelyAtNight; 05/28/03 03:58 PM.
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