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"He has mentioned that he would do that. I just don't think he is quite there yet. "

This doesn't make sense. Did he say that he would go to C with you?

"When HE feels like it is something that will help HIM, then I think it would be worth spending the money.""

Who are YOU to judge that? If he wants to, then he has a right to go. And stop using the excuse of money as being the reason why you don't go to C. There are churches and other free marriage resources that can get you started.

You're still trying to control everything since Day 1.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Bond... he has mentioned it a couple times over the past few months. However, when I have suggested it...he pulls back, says he can do this on his own...So, out of my control.

As for IC, a few months ago I asked my doctor ~ she was going to get me into free community counselling. I haven't heard back. I guess I will call her again today.

Sunshine ~ Yes, I know he has a fear of commitment. However, this doesn't mean he wasn't faithful and loyal. He was definitely those qualities. Your assumption is incorrect. I did not push for marriage. After years of realizing we weren't getting married, I backed off. I was ok with it. We had a living arrangement that worked for us for a long time. BD happened due to mid-life crisis. His best friend died, and he went searching for a better life (didn't find one). He is back wanting to work on himself & our relationship. At this time, he thinks he can do it without the help of IC or MC.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for me.... last night I did what I did not want to ever do. I pushed and was trying to manipulate to get some security. I don't know what I was thinking... he invited me over for dinner & next thing you know I was going through his phone, talking about transparency & asking why didn't he have sex over the past 2 years. It was not pretty. He was trying to keep it light & playful ... I was pushing! UGHHHHH. Everything I said I wasn't going to do... I did. I am being insecure.. not confident & independent!

I do not like myself much today.

I want to fix, by saying I'm sorry..... but wonder if that's the wrong thing to do. Maybe just back wayyyyyy off until he feels safe to come around again?

I don't need the 2x4's. I am doing that all by myself.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/20/14 01:54 PM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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well... I just got off the phone with him. All seems to be OK... he fluffed it off into a joke.

But still ..... I really need to discipline myself in so many areas!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Call your doctor this morning and get the names of the free community counseling services. It's time you learn about yourself and why you do the things that you do.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job... I have... I keep getting their answering machine. I will put my relentless ways into this self help project.

GRRRRRR

On the flip side, I am expressing my insecurities .. trying to be vulnerable. Wanting him to feel that he can express his vulnerability too... maybe its just too early.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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Magic,
You are pushing the train up the hill and it doesn't work that way. You've got to allow things to progress naturally and the more you push and the hard you push, the longer it will take for things to work out accordingly.

Your partner may have laughed off your behavior of last night, but in the back of his mind, he knows you've not changed as much as you would like him to think you have.

What helped him to warm up to you was the fact that you were being independent, not jumping to accept every invitation that he posed to you, as well as living on your own and doing for yourself. Your insecurities, such as they are, i.e., pushing, impatience, neediness, always wanting clarification after he says or does something (which comes off as challenges/arguments) and yes, even wanting him to reassure you of his "commitment" to you.

Magic, you have received an enormous amount of advice that can and will help you, if only you would read it again and apply some of it to your situation. Your "fear" of him not wanting you is driving you to do the things that you once did. Have you given any thought to the fact that maybe your insecurities are what prompted him to ask you to leave in the first place? If he was in crisis, this behavior would not have been something that would attract him to you. It may have gotten on his nerves and he needed space and quiet time from your insecurities. Notice how you began to show signs of change and his interest began to take shape once again? Do what works and leave the rest behind.

Stop trying to fix him. You have to fix yourself first before you can even begin to try to work on your relationship w/him. You need to find out what is going on within yourself so that you can be the new and improved Magic.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job...

The stupid thing is ... is that I KNOW this stuff & yet it came out again anyway. The new & improved Magic, wouldn't do this!! I slipped up....and I don't like it!

I think the reason I did what I did, was to show him my vulnerability... hoping & wanting to see his. Trying to let him know that he can put his guard down.... because I want to put mine down. However, I guess its really WAY too soon. I want to put my guard down, but I have NO real reason to just yet. He has not proven himself to me. He is way to playful and not ready to be that serious just yet.

I agree... none of this behaviour is attractive... in fact, I am surprised that he hasn't run off yet.

"do what works, and leave the rest behind"......

Job, thanks for coming back... I do re-read my posts.. I think I am just in too deep to be able to see what is written in there. I like when you pointed out above what was working and what was not. Its clear.. its there. I like when Matt pointed out that I am only interested in US, if HE is interested and we are on the same page. I like when Sandi does her math equations to help me... I understand this stuff.

still trying to call the doctor!!! she said it would take months to get in... its been months (hope they didn't forget about me)


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,249
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You said you like equations....here's one

MM = sunshinelewis + GAL = MM <> sunshinelewis

In your answer to job, you replied


Job, thanks for coming back... I do re-read my posts.. I think I am just in too deep to be able to see what is written in there.

I suggest you read sunshines threads then, if they are still available.
Sunshine as she posted earlier, was just like you! and wow! What a transformation. Well done sunshine ! You might find seeing behaviours in someone else.

I don't think she would mind me saying that her threads were also like a soap opera.

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awesome smurf... thanks... I will do some reading..

Fingers crossed that I can see similar behaviours in her... did she reconcile with her husband? Please tell me how she was like me? (so that I can watch).

I also called my doctor, I am still on the waiting list....


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,249
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No sorry, you must do your own work, your threads are full of people offering advice, just to be rebuked. I don't intend to be another...,,.sorry cruel to be kind

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