The drinking? It's not a bad thing to have an occasional drink, Mighty. It's just that if it makes things harder or brings up emotions you aren't needing to deal with right now, it might be better to wait and find a different outlet. Sweating is always helpful.
The conversations? Your kids never had a say in the break up of their family. The parent that is stable is about to undergo some surgery, i.e. she isn't superhuman and impermeable.
It may help to let them be part of it. To experience the emotions with somebody they can be safe with and can show them how to deal with the emotions. How to deal with life and all that comes with it.
They are struggling to be adults and as such want more and more say in how things are done concerning their life. Seems natural to me. Also seems natural that you would want to protect them from that. I would (and have).
But somewhere in there is a happy medium. They already know more than you think. More than you do in some aspects. They have feelings. They have less experience with how to deal with those feelings.
The more you can do to include and show, the more they'll learn about life.
They might not like it at first. You might not like it at first. But if you keep at it, it'll get you all where you need to be without the trauma of learning as you go (as much).
That's been my approach. It's paid off with my son. My daughter? Not so much. But I don't doubt that I did what would be most useful to and for both of them. She'll see things differently later when she has her own family I'm sure. And although I didn't do anything to her to make her not want to talk to me, she doesn't want to talk to me - not about anything. It's how she is expressing her anger. For now.
She also knows that I'm a safe place to vent her feelings and thoughts.
Each person is different. Each one takes their own path to get to where they are going. Your kids included. But equipping them to deal with it is helpful for them. Keeping it from them won't work in the long term - they'll just make things up to fill in the gaps Not to say they need to hear opinions. Rather just how you are dealing with things. How you are seeing things. How the adult in their life faces and lives life.
The rest is up to them
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Dang, you're good, AJ. I will talk with them about it. You give me lots to think about, as usual. That's good. Things I should focus on.
They have been having a really good week. I'm so glad. We seem to be hitting a stride as a family. D13 is her usual self. When I got home today she had cleaned the house. Spotless! She is working for the new 1D album coming out.
S17 has been "putting in work" as he would say. He has met with his AP Eng. teacher (who is d13's best friend's dad) and got a lot done, feedback, etc. He got his college essay done, which he is really proud of (although he said no one is going to read except the college boards- for sure piqued my interest!), and finally registered for SAT's. (Which I didn't push in the spring bc he was not in a good place; just one more thing to stress...). Plus he has had really good football practices this week.
OK, thanks for the support. I love when things are going well with my kids. Whew... a load off. For now. Ha! The joys of teens (and a MLC parent!). Man, I was told as a teen that payback is a b!t<h. Yup.
I am feeling the distance with xh. Maybe I am accepting that he is happy and really committed to this new life. At first, I thought that he had made an impulsive decision and that he would quickly regret it. Well... I don't know either way. But, I guess for my own sanity, I have to realize that he may truly be happy. Honestly, I don't know how he could be. He did tell me, during one of our 2 "talks" since nuke that he is not happy about sitch with kids (several times). When I pressed, "No, xh, are you happy with your life outside of the kids?" He said, "Yeah, I'm happy." Now, it was not convincing. Maybe because he wasn't, maybe it was hard to admit to me, maybe he hasn't thought about it. I don't know. I just have to assume he is. How anyone can be who did this to their family, well... if he could be after doing this, well, that just reinforces that it someone I don't want to be with.
It is just really weird, you know, the communication part. There is always something every couple days. The funny thing is that, a few months before the nuke but after bd, the one thing I noticed is that on the weekends, he was around and that's when I would hear from him. Then, during the week, I could tell, something was pulling him away. Something was ALWAYS up during the week.
It turns out, hww worked with him, and on the weekends, her x was at her house with her. Well that explained that.
Now, I hear from xh during the week from work (they are in different departments), but on the weekends, I really don't.
But, every couple days, I hear something. It is very minor and nothing in-depth at all, but it is like clock-work.
For example, yesterday I got an email from xh (I had left work already, so I got it this morning). Now this communication shows no emotion at all. It is very weird. But xh asked about D13's assignments online. He spoke to her yesterday and could have asked her. My first response was, "Have you talked to D13 or her teachers? If not, feel free." But I didn't. I just sent a simple explanation. He replied, "Thank you." And that was that.
What gives? Really. I just am so confused. I feel like it is a business response, one that is annoying and taking me away from important things. And my response is to appease, not worthy of credit. And most of his communication seems so unnecessary, just a reason to communicate. I don't know.
I can feel my emotions cycling quickly lately. I think it has to do with the baby coming. I just have a feeling it will be sooner than December. But I really don't even know. I still haven't seen her. Lucky her.
The thought of someone I didn't even know existed was walking around for months carrying my husband's baby. Ugh. It gets me. Every time.
I can't imagine the feelings going through you at this time. Not to mind read, but I agree with you. It almost sounds as if xh is just sending random emails to keep in contact with you.
Just know your still in my thoughts and prayers!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Thanks Ats. I'm good. You know... Ups & downs. Good to hear from you! Thanks for your thoughts & prayers. Back at cha, babe!
Hey Hope! I'm fine. I feel fine and don't have symptoms or anything. I wouldn't have known anything if I hadn't gone for my annual check up. Thanks goodness for that! My anxiety is ok. I feel alright, just my heart goes a pitter-patter! I think time will take care of that.
Got a statement in the mail today from health ins. Xh was on my ins. I recently filled out paperwork to have him removed and had to give a copy of my divorce papers. The statement was saying it wouldn't cover charges for xh from August. It was like 4 days after d was final. It was all lab work. Hmmmm... Weird. Makes me wonder a bit.
The fact though that he's living w her & using my insurance.... Ggrrrrr. He must have gone to dr right before to get a script for lab work. Must have been before inc was cancelled- b4 d was final.
XH was texting the kids like crazy tonight. He must be having some kind of freak-out or something.
The kids were talking about it and asking each other if he was texting both of them like crazy.
D13 said xh texted her during her game, "Sorry I couldn't make it to your game."
Then he texted her later and asked why she didn't respond. She was annoyed, because she was playing in the game!
S17 said xh was texting him during practice. Then texted him "like twenty times."
The kids were invited to my brothers this weekend (my brothers and I take turns a couple times a year having all of our kids spend the night together. There are 7 all within a few years of each other. They get along very well and have tons of fun together.)
After interrogating d13 about why she does not respond to his text messages...
XH: why are you going to uncle x's Saturday?
d13: for fun.
xh: What's the special occasion.
d13: Just to spend the night.
xh: Oh, is s17 going?
d13: yes
xh: is he spending the night?
d13: yes
xh: Is your mom going?
d13: STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!
Obviously she reached her limit. Questions about me- off limits?
Apparently, the kids noticed his behavior tonight-- relentless text messages. Lots of questions. And asking if I am spending the night? What the...
Next stop Looneyville.... no way, I'm taking a detour.
Haha, I like your D13. She is brilliant. I guess there is Looneyville, or actually Lonelyville for your H. What… the things are getting boring over there…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
XH sent s17 the most ridiculous texts... incessantly to the kids.
Again. All evening and night.
A while ago he started again with
"Heeeeelllllllllllllllooooooooooooooo" to s17
and sent it like 20 times!
When s17 saw it, he told xh to realx. XH replied with something like, I am your father. You will respect me. Who do you think you are? yadda yadda...
But then he sent that same message over and over again. Then they started going back and forth, with xh sending like 20 copies of each response. S17 started to be come disrespectful to xh and told him to shut the f up.
XH kept respond and repeating his messages over and over.
S17 said to stop or he would block him, which he ultimately ended up doing.
It is pretty scary to have xh act like this. I don't know if he is starting to really flip or what. I know it may not seem like much, but even the kids are noticing it. And to act like that towards them. I don't know... something is way off... even more so in our crazy world.
I don't know why but I found it rather humerus to attempt to scold your child regarding respect via text. I can just see my D (who is only 7 but I can see this very clearly) just completely ignoring any text that would be me reprimanding her. LOL
Anyway, he's dying for some serious attention. What is going on?
What the what???? That's some weird stuff, Might....
I'm glad your S blocked him, it was definitely warranted.....but sad. I mean... That behavior is clearly not normal for a grown dad.... Sheesh.
This does seem new from other stuff you've written about. Perhaps h feeling a sense that he's lost control(kids are super distant and won't respond, baby almost here)....."I am your father"??? Seriously??? Who is he, Darth Vader?
They sure do bounce all,over and don't make sense.....How you hangin' in there, Mighty?
Not to say they need to hear opinions. Rather just how you are dealing with things. How you are seeing things. How the adult in their life faces and lives life. 